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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IWM: I did not mean to offend, but I'm just of opinion 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Is there some real reason you don't seek legal separation & co-habitate? He could go on his merry way w/women & some people think if separated, it's okay to date others. Your kids seem old enough to understand things like divorce. Would WH go NC w/kids, if you separated?

My DS12 is really depressed right now & had doctor put him on AD (along w/his ADHD meds). I probably shouldn't have told him about OW, but he's old enough to know how OC got here, so he might as well know about WH's infidelity. I really think DS's mood change is linked to what our M is going through and it really bothers me that how WH & I behave toward each other is impacting him so negatively. He was always my Happy child, singing while coloring or playing...always giving hugs & kisses. Between puberty & his suspected depression, he's just withdrawn.

It really sucks that WH is so selfish & jeopardized our family over OW yet again!

GOD, I pray this is really the end of all EA/PA w/OW! I know, life's not fair, but this really sucks sometimes, doesn't it? If I didn't have daily joy from children & even WH, I'd be curled up in fetal position somewhere....awaiting my death from heatbreak.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping it to say "Have Fun" to everyone going to the big UK reunion....wish I could join you. I WANT PICS!!!!!

Leaving for the beach with the family tomorrow so may be able to lurk a little but not post so much. Hope everyone survives the long weekend.

HS


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((TRIBE)))
We are back from our long road trip and (don't laugh, ok maybe a little)- I managed to fall and injure my tailbone. It hurts to walk, it hurts to sit, and it even hurts when I LAUGH. But we saw sooo many beautiful things!

Catching up!
HUGS,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IWM: I did not mean to offend, but I'm just of opinion 2 wrongs don't make a right

i am not offended at all...what is there to be offended at? did i miss something?, or was i out of line?

Is there some real reason you don't seek legal separation & co-habitate? He could go on his merry way w/women & some people think if separated, it's okay to date others

have not even thought about a legal separation, being that we are still living under the same roof...

and he has already gone on his merry way with women. and as far as other people, i have never done things just to please other people....and if i chose to persue a relationship, it will be a decision based on what is right for me and only me...as long as my kids do not know anything and it doesn't interfere with them then i am free to do what i need to do...

Your kids seem old enough to understand things like divorce
.

they are old enough to understand what it means but not old enough to understand why?...hell i don't even understand why?.....i see no reason to put my kids through hell and back while they are in the throws of their teens.....i've been one of those mixed up teens, its truly the most miserable experience....

the way i figure it is should i throw him out and persue divorce i know that i will be miserable, my kids knowing everything and i'm sure not happy knowing what they know will be miserable...miserable teens get into a whole heap of trouble......so now everyone is miserable and worse my kids are being changed and might end up doing alot of stupid things that would not be able to be taken back...the way it is now the only one who is miserable is me....and i would rather just me being miserable then my entire household.....when they are older and their foundation is on totally solid ground, well that will be another story.....


Would WH go NC w/kids, if you separated?

this is so not an option, why would i do that to my kids, why should they lose a father....as much as he hurt the family he is still their dad, and he's finally behaving most of the time like he should have all along...why would i take that away from my kids...it would only serve to hurt my kids....and thats something i could never live with.....

My DS12 is really depressed right now & had doctor put him on AD (along w/his ADHD meds). I probably shouldn't have told him about OW, but he's old enough to know how OC got here, so he might as well know about WH's infidelity. I really think DS's mood change is linked to what our M is going through and it really bothers me that how WH & I behave toward each other is impacting him so negatively. He was always my Happy child, singing while coloring or playing...always giving hugs & kisses. Between puberty & his suspected depression, he's just withdrawn

maybe you should take your son to a counselor....yes he needs to know about his sibling and the how it happened but he doesn't need to know more then the facts or the specifics of the sich....children should not have to handle adult issues....

and yes it suck big time that the selfishness of these men has jeopardized their families....and i agree 100% life is not fair.....

time flies so quickly, sometimes though when you are in the middle of a really big hurtful change it can't fly by quick enough...but it really does....i can't believe that its been just over 6 months since d-day...i feel like that entire 6 months is lost because my emotions took over just so i could function and get the hell out of bed everyday.....i will be damned at this point if i lose anymore time due to his issues and his choices....and that is MY CHOICE!!!!

i do not envy you your situation, you have an enormous amount of in of itself...overwhelming circumstances....what doesn't kill will make us stronger.....
or make us insane


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hs...enjoy your mini vacation, may you find some peace....

hearbroken...glad to hear about your trip...and my goodness how did you fracture your tailbone?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess, I just wanted DS12 to know that I'm not a "bad guy" in this situation. That, if we divorced, it's not just me being selfish, that WH made choices that I don't EVER want my 2xDS to make in their relationships. WH's grandfather had 2 families (sometimes bearing children w/OW & wife w/in 12 months apart)....I don't want my sons thinking that this was acceptable behavior, just because their father did it.

I guess, I wanted DS to know that I'm not a basketcase for no reason. I know, that's selfish of me, but I didn't want WH coming out smelling like roses (as usual).

I'm glad your WH is behaving for now. Mine was for a long time....I guess when things got tougher @home, it was easier to seek OW out (since she made herself available again), than to sit down & discuss MC w/me.

I am sorry that you put-up with infidelity for the sake of your kids. I find, that WH's affairs have made me a bitter woman. Someone I never wanted to be. I used to always be optomistic about everything...now, I can't trust anything from one day 2 next.

P.S. OW told OC & BH that she wanted to start having more kids w/BH...so she could keep trying until she had a son. I don't know if that's good or bad. I know, if OW has another child @home, it will impact CS calculations for OC. WH is on unemployment right now, but even if OW did get pregnant, WH's unemployment would run out by time she gave birth.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad your WH is behaving for now.

he is behaving as a father, not as a husband....he is so not behaving as a husband and the sad truth is that he never did...i just didn't know the why til 6 1/2 months ago...

I am sorry that you put-up with infidelity for the sake of your kids

i so have not ever put up with infidelity for the sake of my kids, nor will i ever....i am choosing to co-habitate, i am not choosing to be a wife as he has most certainly chosen not to be a husband...

staying married in every sense of the word is not an option....had i known what a liar he was, this disolution of sorts would have taken place immediately upon discovery....being married to a lying cheat is not for me....and it never will be....

P

OW told OC & BH that she wanted to start having more kids w/BH...so she could keep trying until she had a son. I don't know if that's good or bad. I know, if OW has another child @home, it will impact CS calculations for OC.

why would her having another baby with her own husband impact you wh's oc...one should have nothing to do with the other....this woman sounds like she's not dealing with a full deck...to bring children into ugly on purpose is just emotional abuse for the new child....if she thinks that having another child is going to make world better, what will she do when that child comes and her world gets worse...she is placing an awfully huge burden on a child.....to concieve with that intention is just wrong on every level.....so i would say its a bad thing.....

the aftermath of these affairs on the families is just mind boggling...and it never seems to have an end...because generations to come will still feel what was done prior.....children bare all the scars of their parents mistakes and then pass them along to their children...its a never-ending circle....and SO SO SAD....

I used to always be optomistic about everything

i hope that you can one day find some things to be optimistic about, like your children for a start...some day....be optimistic about that....and find joy in them....children have this uncanny ability to bounce back, hoping for better, praying for better and actually expecting it for most issues.....they daydream and when they do all of their wildest dreams come true....and sometimes they really do in real life...

wishing you some peace repeat, sounds as though you could use a good dose of peace....i think we all could...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am choosing to co-habitate, i am not choosing to be a wife as he has most certainly chosen not to be a husband...

Miracle, what do you want from this “relationship” ? Where do you want to be by Christmas? If your H says he has done his best and it is not enough, what then? I can read how angry and fucked off you are, but this is not healthy for you. I am not wanting to upset you in any way, you seem extremely fragile right now, but I am concerned with your need for some sort of revenge. Revenge is short lived and it is destructive – mostly for you. Revenge affair? Shit, the times I have thought about that. Kind of “fuck you, now you can know what it’s like”. But it will not be the same and it would have to remain a secret for me and that would screw me up even more. Please try to work on yourself to reach a plateau where you can stretch and breathe; you seem taut, like a coiled spring right now. And winding yourself forever tighter. Your hurt and pain is screaming through your postings. Try to take a step back and treat yourself gently. You have a right to be angry – furious even – but you must take care of you.

Repeat, I don’t know what advice to offer for your son. Your love for him will never change and the want to keep him from hurting will never change. I think the only thing you can do is offer some sort of adult view point and to emphasise that he had no influence on his father’s behaviour. This was a decision taken out of the family situation and he is not to ever, ever blame himself in any way. Tell him about anything that would affect him that’s going on between you and his father. That you are dealing with this as best you can and that, whatever happens, he will always be a beacon of light in your life. It is so important that he does not feel compelled to take sides - and that OC is in no way to be blamed either.

FWH knows I went to see a divorce lawyer. It was 10mths after dday. I wanted to know where I stood after I had found some explicit “poetry” he had written about MOW which made me doubt his reasons for staying with me. He had clearly, very clearly, been totally besotted and in love with her. Obsessive, I guess. The meeting gave me the reassurance that I was entitled to more than 50% and maintenance too. It made the thought of continuing to try for reconciliation easier because I wasn't wondering if the longer I left it, the worse off I would be. Not the case, over in the UK. I have never thrown the D card on the table more than twice. Once when I found credit card statements proving where they had stayed and how often (FWH lying and minimising ) and then when I found the poetry and was ready to throw in the towel I didn’t even register on his horizon. He knows when I mention divorce, it’s deadly serious. But then I’m a clear cut, black and white type of person.

Find out where you stand from a legal point of view, and then keep it in a file unless or until you need it. Then you are ready and several steps ahead of the game. It’s security.

I’m off now for our little SI LTA meet in London. How many of you on that side of the pond have squeezed yourselves into FNF’s suitcase??

Have a good weekend, see y’all in London – or next week. Love my Tribe.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 2nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, what do you want from this “relationship” ? Where do you want to be by Christmas? If your H says he has done his best and it is not enough, what then?

what i want is not ever going to happen....what i need to do in order to live with myself is already taking place....my wh has already claimed to have done his best at being a changed man.....i don't need to wait for xmas, i already know what my new reality is and i am merely learning to cope and live with what is.....

as far as a revenge affair....will not happen...an affair for me...yes....

i would like to have sex again,
i would like to have the company of a man,
i would like to be held again,
i would like a penis...not a bob, but a penis....preferrable batteries and or pump not needed....

ukgirl...i really am better then i have been since this whole ordeal has taken place...

angry ...yes...
hurt....yes....
but i really am more of who i always was....very in control of me....and o.k. i'll admit it..quite a bit sarcastic....

enjoy your meeting with our fellow members of this wonderful tribe....

i am VERY VERY JEALOUS......and so happy for all of you at the same time.....you are all an extraordinary group of women...and thankyou for all of your words, your 2x4's, your hugs, and basically everything....enjoy each other...and drink a toast to the rest of us...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 7:36 PM, July 2nd (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 4th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy 4th of July to our American tribe members wherever they happen to be!

Hope any fireworks this weekend are the kind that fill you with wonder and delight.

{{{LTA}}}

Is the UK LTA get together happening today? I'd love to send good wishes to the group.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
didnthaveaclue
♀ New Member
Member # 23327
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

Arrived home from UK LTA meeting and can say how lovely it was to meet the people behind all the good advice I have received, some truly lovely ladies.

Thank you for a wonderful day.

DHAC


Posts: 21 | Registered: Mar 2009
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so jealous of all of you who got to meet. Any pictures you'd be willing to post or PM?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our meet was just absolutely amazing. Its like we have known each other for the longest time. I cant believe we stayed there at the cafe for so long (about 5 hours??!!) and they didnt ask us to leave. Guess we must have looked/sounded pretty intimidating!

Fnf, Ukg, DHAC and Brooke, thank you all for a lovely time.

BT, I think a pic will be posted by ukg soon (for a short while).


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, July 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you had a good get together! Really envious and would like to see pix of everyone.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, July 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i second the others...


i too wish i could have been there...this tribe consists of absolutely extra-ordinary women.....

very happy for those of you who were able to meet....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, sounds like so much fun. If you do post a pic don't go *poofing* it until I have had a chance to see it!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

me too on the poof...

hope everyone had a good 4th....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
repeatBS326
♀ Member
Member # 22068
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you get OP to finally give up on WS?

WH has been so much better about NC than ever before in the last 10 years. I don't want OW to break NC again (she did a few weeks ago by talking in background while OC was chatting w/her daddy about her day & then he ended up asking to speak w/her after 3rd call in 1-2 weeks from OC/OW duo).

I fear, that even though OW is wanting another child w/BH, she also had another child w/BH & still had enough nerve to call MIL when WH was critically injured and proclaim her love (while pregnant by BH).

HOW can I stop her? WH is sometimes weak & I need to fix this. HOW can I make her stay away, short of hiring hit man or committing murder (that parts just a joke)? We need complete NC for R#3 to even be attempted & she had been for about 3 months (Mar-Jun 09). When ballgames start again for OC in Oct, we will be face-2-face w/OW again.

I triggered really badly on Friday. OW has been losing weight (like me) & it appears she's lost about 50 lbs in the past 4-5 months. Instead of remaining in vehicle @park on Friday, she had taken OC & BH's toddler daughter to play about 1 hour b4 pickup/dropoff. She's not as curvy as me, but her appearance was good. She'll always be prettier than me, but I had been working hard on toning/slimming/improving my body. It really upset me to see her looking so much nicer. OH GOD! Someone help. I have been triggering, doubting, questioning, argueing w/WH all weekend since Friday. I have absolutely ruined everything & now WH is kinda pissed @me for starting the Q/A over again after so long. I have not triggered so badly in months. Antiversary & EA-suspected D-days are fast approaching (one EA realization was in July08 - followed by gaslighting & blameshifting & denial for months).

BTW: WH agreed to see MC. Let's see if he'll go through w/it, once I find one. MC was one of my conditions in 9/08 for R, yet he weaseled out of it due to financial issues (his layoff and expending excessive amount of $$$ on legal joint custody of OC).

Can M be saved after 10 years of off-on-off w/OW? Anybody out there had any success in getting OW off your back & having successful R? We have essentially eliminated any real need for contact w/OW based on child-support agreement/visitation etc.


Me/BS:39(former cybersex addict 1992); fWH:41; DS:15; DS:11; OW:34; OC:10
Together: 22yrs; Married: 18yrs
D-day#1: Jan99, then FALSE R (subsequent conception of DS#2)
D-day#2: Told about OW/WH pregnancy July2000
D-day#3 (same mOW): 19sep2008

Posts: 1721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Attemping R #3
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have no experience in this matter repeat...but the only thing i know for sure is that you cannot change anyone but you.....you cant change her, you can't change your wh, you can only change you, your perspective, your reactions...your anything....even your wh cannnot change who he is...he can only change how he deals with her, how he speaks to her, how reacts to her.....

we all would love some magic potion that we can quietly slip to our ws's, so that they not only change but change the way we want them too....but life doesn't work that way....even for the ws who really wants change......its one of the hardest things for a human to do...change who they are and who they have been in the hope of who they can become....

there is not a single human being that doesn't want to change something....but the free will and the power to make it happen are the keys....both free will and power over self are required....

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 1:45 PM, July 6th (Monday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart2 and others...

Any SI get-togethers are to be posted in the F&G forum and they are not to exclude anyone on this site.

Thanks


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192075 | Registered: May 2002
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