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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
redhairtemper
♀ Member
Member # 24716
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, July 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

I was over in the Reconciliation thread but it's getting to look like I don't belong there.

Is 7 years too long to reconcile over?

I hate him so much right now, I can't believe I thought of taking him back.

I won't cry anymore. I've had years of tears, first for being such a shitty wife, then for the affair but I can't do it anymore. I think I've mourned his death long enough. My husband the man I married and gave my heart to is dead, this mean, cold, cheating lying imposter killed him.

I can't deal with this.


Solitude stands in the doorway, and I'm struck once again by her black silhouette; By her long cool stare and her silence; I suddenly remember each time we've met; And she says I've come to set a twisted thing straight;

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2009
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, July 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rehairtemper,
Glad you took my advice and came down to our little corner here. Recovering from a long term affair is a very unique thing and in my humble opinion a brutal one.
In my opinion, the length of the affair can tack on length to the recovery. But the chances of reconciling I believe have more to do with how remorseful and what steps your husband takes in the aftermath of all of this i.e. is he willing to go to individual counseling, marital counseling (if you are willing), is he willing to be open and accountable, etc. And of course, it goes without being said that NO CONTACT with the former other woman is a MUST!

One of the things here we try to stress is that the first part of recovery has to be focusing on YOU. Their affair was about them, their selfishness. This is a trauma and you have to be careful to nurture yourself during this recovery period.

What are you doing to take care of you right now? This board is a great start. Are you in individual counseling? Do you have a good support network in real life to help you through?

The hows and whys of the LTA are tough, and I think most of us figured out our Hs were not who we thought they were when we married them. In my opinion, anyone who has a LTA has deeper issues that will take longer to unravel and require the FWS to *want* to work at that.

But there are people on SI in general and on this board who have recovered from the LTA and now have a good marriage..... I think they would all agree that it takes a long time, though, to reach that point.

You have just begun what we call the roller coaster. But you have many supportive souls here who have walked/are walking in your shoes and can be here for you. You are not alone.

Hugs,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Shoestring
♂ Member
Member # 20731
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, I never realized there were so many facets to the R process. Especially after ones spouse had a very LTA.

Try 25 years in my case.

Like shock and how long that can last. Like the fog a BS is in for a long time too.

Like unbelief. Like devastation and how deeply it hurts. How an A can destroy any trust you had for your spouse before D-Day.

How does one get back to what would be condsidered normal? Is that even possible?

Better then before? I don't see how that can be even after a year and 5 months out.

That light at the end of the tunnel is still so darn small I can barely see it even with my glasses on.

Is Harmony possible in the resulting marriage, what's left of it? Maybe that's about it and all one can expect.

Will those feelings one had for your spouse ever come back? And what if they don't? How long before you decide to end it or stay together.

Can you endure until that time comes? Again, especially if your a lot older like I was when you learn of her infidelity?

How much time do I have left?

Why isn't it refered to as ADULTERY, like it really is?

So many questions without answers. And where do you get those answers?

Do you get them in MC? or IC? I haven't gotten very many because all our MC and IC have is book learning, no real experience with this topic so they can know how it reallt feels to be cheated on and lied to for a very long time.

I would like a BOOK called "Recovery From Infidelity/Adultery for Dummies..."

If there was such a thing.

The price can be more than $19.95 plus shipping.


H (me) 73 Nov 7th
WS (her) 71 Aug 6th
A lasted 25+ years
Maybe all our married life?
M 53 yrs on Oct 2
OMM - Same age as WS
They were Hi school sweethearts
D-day March 27, 2008
Children grown Son 48 D 44


Posts: 656 | Registered: Aug 2008
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle..
so that you KNOW it was nothing to do with you.
my not my fault story...

I have a wife that really had no moral boundaries... When she got pregnant by her BF back in 1982 or 83, she took the easy road and had an abortion. She thought it would be OK to have sex with another man after only 3 years of marriage. She may have continued that A but we moved to Indy. Then she says that her boss gave her so much attention, compliments and flirting, over a year she fell for him and it just happened.

Not every a word to me about something she needed! She never told me she needed more attention from me, more romance, more this and that. She says she did but I was caught up in my own world. She definitely did not communicate it to me. NO WAY. I would ask her, “why don’t you want me any more?” and she would blame it on… “Maybe I need to see a doctor”, “Once we get going I’m fine”

I was always working and traveling. She truly thought I was having sex or A when I was traveling. I would always chuckle and say huh? A few times she could not locate me but it was due to communication issues and me not checking in enough… but strictly business dinners or drinks at real restaurants and bars with male customers not strip joints or stuff like that. It’s funny how I always kept a distance from female business relationships out of respect for my wife. My wife would always know when I’m talking to a female when working. She would say you talk differently to them. It was true. My wife always thought it was because I looked down or had no respect for businesswomen. Reality is that I kept a distance and was trained, moral compass, whatever and felt different around them. That was the natural me. anyway back on track...

About 3 years into her affair, just out of the blue she said something about my working too much, spending too much time volunteering, with others… even brought up the D word.. I was shocked!! I mean shocked! Even mentioned MC… It was so shocking, I could not understand?? I was such a model husband… clean, fun, good provider, great father, we had so much fun together. So I tried to change my behavior and took her to lunch more, movies, dinners, a few more things. I never said no to MC but she never set it up. But as time went on, she would say she was too busy for lunch today, didn’t feel like it, and we fell back into the same ole life.

No doubt her lover at work was a drug. He owned this business and she ran his office. They were together as much as us. It was pretty ease for them to fool his wife and me. They would go to the motel for lunch. Day trips out of town for deposition (law firm). Saturday’s when I was coaching, kids stuff, working on properties I own. When I was out of town, meet him after work and home by 7 or 8. His wife was home taking care of a handicap kid on ventilator 24-7. His child needed nurse care every minute and his wife is one hell of a great lady. He was everything I was not… alcoholic, gambled $10K/week, greedy with his payroll, cusses, and had other affairs. Even had an Affair on my wife and his wife! It’s just nuts. He had a LTA before my wife. It’s just a crazy thing beyond my believe in my world.

In my case, her A was at the end of it's rope. She has told me that since DDay, a big weight is off her shoulders. A No-Proof letter came in the mail... she said it was a lie and I believed her... and the next day she confessed to the truth. It is amazing what the brain can do... I musta been nuts. She says she would have never married a man like her x-lover.. he had so many issues.. I heard her, but I frankly could give a damn about that.

So anyway… No, I don’t blame myself at all for her choice to have a relationship outside our marriage.

However, I do believe since I have decided to R, it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to try and be the person she wants in a husband. AND.. there are things I need and want now too... I hope she will and can give them to me. You saw my dream... FL would be good but it is the others...

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:25 AM, July 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
redhairtemper
♀ Member
Member # 24716
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks hearbroken, right now my support system is thin on the ground, so you people are it for now. I'm in survival mode right now, I go to bed and I eat. I'm not making any rash decisions, I'm not drinking at bars picking up guys and emailing photos of me doing nasty things to them to by wh, which is what I would love to do. Instead, I'm painting my living room, new curtains and new rods, it will be lovely when I'm done and it keeps me busy.

We are both in ic and mc. My ic is our mc but she defers alot to wh's ic because she was her mentor at one point.

He has made some changes, drinks way less to very little, exercises, eats well. He says he's been NC since January when we dicided to reconcile and the only contact was when she im'd him but he turned her down, blocked her and told me about it. He has made changes but only after I ask him for a simple thing (ie drop out of the work lottery pool with her) he flips out then goes and talks to his ic and she then says: yeah, you need to do things to show your bs you've changed.

But, he still lives 2 hours away, originally it was a 1 year plan to get back together, now he says 3. He has eveerything he wants, he doesn't have to be a full-time father or husband we are in a box up north that he gets to take out and play with as he pleases.

I started dating when we broke up and had a semi-serious relationship which drove him insane. He didn't want anyone else to want me or have me. But, he still wanted her, he tried to turn me into his ow on her! I said nope, we are going to counselling etc.

But what worries me is how easily he was led into the A, how willingly he went. I have no way of knowing if he has really changed and I bought soooo much of his bullshit before.

I'm so angrey at the ow too. Her husband did this to her so she just turns around and does it to me? I wound NEVER EVER betray another woman that way. I don't care if I think I met my soulmate, too bad. Opportunities are missed all the time. If I really thought about it, my boss and I would have been perfect for each other but he's married, so he is a mentor and friend and that is it.

He said some horrible things about me in our mc on Thursday, I just want to be in a relationship where I'm valued and loved and not where my spouse is waiting for me to fail.

He is morally bankrupt. I'm not sure you can get a federal bailout for that.

I was hoping I would feel better this morning but nope, just more angry and I want to drive to his house or her house and yell and scream and breaks things. But, the most ethical man I know is my boss, so whenever I have these impulses, I think: What would Mike do? and then I can usually move on.


Solitude stands in the doorway, and I'm struck once again by her black silhouette; By her long cool stare and her silence; I suddenly remember each time we've met; And she says I've come to set a twisted thing straight;

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

redhairtemper.. I wanted to kill the OM. I had a gun loaded and in my car ready with plan to kill him. I mean it too. God must of stepped in... for some reason, I called my best friend. He talked me out of it and get rid of the gun... all the pain and hurt was so unbearable. I was crazy and I snapped out of it. I was so angry, I physically hurt my wife in a rage... I never hurt a sole in my 48 year life. That was a turning point... I thought of myself so perfect... but I'm far from that… as the pedestal I had put my wife on was no longer too.

I changed my IC to a faith based lady... she is great! I read Total Forgiveness by RT Kendall... This book and my IC has change the way I now think.

You are is so much pain.. and I cannot say I am not.. but I know my anger is gone. I have no ill will to the OM. It was not him.. he was just the means...

It is so hard to live separate lives and continue to R... IMO just impossible... you have much work to do... I think you have to find a way to move back together. This is up to you to do your part... Then, it's up to him to do is part. R is two. You will not be able to control his decisions. I so want peace for you.. work on what you can do, control… and get rid of any weapons since you hate the OW!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Shirley)))))))

You have my deepest sympathies on the loss of your father.

May the memories you all shared give you and your mum the strength through the days ahead.

LH


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
redhairtemper
♀ Member
Member # 24716
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support Trynhard.

I know what you mean about wanting to kill the op. If you ever since the final scene of There will be Blood, you'll know exactly what I wanted to do, I just couldn't figure out how to take her out bowling.

I'm at the point now where, if an opportunity to gain revenge on her fell into my lap I'm not sure I'd turn it down (legal of course) but I have no will to seek her out and hurt her.

I do have an urge to hurt wh, but that's why I'm painting my house right now and keeping as busy as possible.

My ic is okay, she was our mc years ago when I just thought we were going through a rough patch, I didn't realize he had been in the affair at that point for a year and a half. So, she knows me well and I don't have to go through my history again with her.

I think of all the sacrifices I made for him. I had an abortion when our son was a year old so that he didn't have to drop out of school and give up his dream, yet he still punishes me for that. He valued me so little and our family. I cannot believe that overnight that has changed.

The ic/mc says there is a lot of work ahead but I'm not sure I have the consitution for it.

Oh well, we'll see.


Solitude stands in the doorway, and I'm struck once again by her black silhouette; By her long cool stare and her silence; I suddenly remember each time we've met; And she says I've come to set a twisted thing straight;

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((redhairtemper)))))

welcome to our little corner, hearbroken is quite correct we are a unique bunch, with circumstances that are scarily alike.....and as i always feel...so sorry you are here!

you are in a great deal of pain, and i think you need to read as many books on the issues you need to work on for you, and find something aside from your living room to put yourself into....something that is purely for you and you alone.....being proactive in your healing can be a truly positive and enlightening experience.....

i agree with trynhard about trying to r over a distance, its just not feasable, he has too much work to do that needs to be done.....there is so much pain and from your perspective his distance is hurting instead of helping....i do not think you hhave to live together, but not so far apart...

from what i've read so far it seems as though your wh is a cake-eater in a bit of a fog.....

you need to set up your requirements for the marriage to go forward and your dealbreakers, and then you need to stick to them, if u don't think you can stick to them, do not make them......

if you have not already done so, go to the healing library, its a good place to start your reading journey....

shoestring.....

my wh first affair partner was already in a relationship when they started their ea 30 years ago, after she married her then boyfriend, she and my wh became lovers, and "were in-love" for 25 years of the 30....

my wh though didn't stop there, had another lta for 12 years....

and he didn't stop there either, there were more......

there is no reconcilliation for us, he is still a liar and that is one of the dealbreakers he broke, he did break several....

my marriage is now in name only, i choose to allow him to stay in the house because i have 3 teenagers, so i choose to move forward as a family only.....there is no marriage...as far as i am concerned he broke that contract before he even made it, which makes the contract NULL and anything and everything he could have done to try and salvage this sham of a marriage- well he did the oppposite....

but i have done alot of reading, soul searching and working on finding "ME" again, and i did....i missed me, i love myself and i am glad that i am back, i even like the person that i am....my journey is still ongoing, i still read and i still work on staying me....

so i've got my answers....they just weren't the answers i was looking for...

and that book...maybe collectively everyone on s.i. could contribute and write it together...$19.95 seems cheap for a life- altering, life-saving book....a definite bargain!!!!

trynhard.....you are an admirable man, your bs is very lucky....and i am really glad for both of you that you snapped out of that potentially life-threatening anger......no matter what she's done she never deserves to be physically hurt...and good for her for getting past that.....

as always much hugs

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
redhairtemper
♀ Member
Member # 24716
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The distance is a problem but I cannot go back to that town, plus I love my job I'm not leaving it and the kids are finally happy and settled.

That being said his house is in need of some repairs he can't afford which would negatively affect the sale price and this economy isn't great. Also, he is about to be made master at his mason's lodge and he isn't willing to give that up, so he wants to stay there for that. So, he is not able or willing to move and I need to live here so that the boys have some stability.

I'm thinking of giving him an ultimatum: beg, borrow or steal the money to fix up the house, move, start looking for a new job and provide proof and switch lodges, I don't care that you'll have to abandon your chair and start over, and get out of that damn lottery pool with the ow~!


Solitude stands in the doorway, and I'm struck once again by her black silhouette; By her long cool stare and her silence; I suddenly remember each time we've met; And she says I've come to set a twisted thing straight;

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh...small update....

i asked my wh last night for a divorce in the future, i want to set up a plan, sort of an exit strategy...i would like him to be able to remain in the house for my kids, i would also like to find a way for he and i to become friends...co-parenting friends..as i've said before he is family, as the father of my kids he will always be family....but that doesn't mean he has to be my "husband"

reamining in the house is contingent on him ...because he still doesn't get it, i know he is still a liar. if he doesn't abide by some rules of mutual respect he will have to leave. living in an angry home is no life for my kids or me!!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
redhairtemper
♀ Member
Member # 24716
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remaining friends is really hard, the mc told us that it takes years to get to that point.

You can work on cordial. I remember when I had d-day but he didn't know that I knew and I didn't want to confront him yet because I wasn't sure what he'd do. I remember thinking: okay? what are my strenghs. I'm polite, so that's where I started. It worked really well and if our r doesn't work that's the place I'm going back to, cordial. I can't imagine having to keep him in the house though, that doesn't sound healthy for anyone.


Solitude stands in the doorway, and I'm struck once again by her black silhouette; By her long cool stare and her silence; I suddenly remember each time we've met; And she says I've come to set a twisted thing straight;

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanting to kill the OP is a common feeling. But it takes the consent of both parties for the A. Somehow we feel better if we think our WS’s were coerced into the situation, they were lured or blackmailed. The fact is we don’t really want to see our WS as someone capable of such deceit – so we blame the other party and/or ourselves. Directing the blame is a way of protecting our existing primary relationship. Once there is NC, it is best to forget and disregard the OP. They were a symptom of underlying problems and issues, not the cause. Hard to do, as I know only too well! I have never really hated MOW, or wanted her dead. Although driving by two motorway pile-ups near her location recently had me looking for her car. Just in case. Meanwhile, I hope she is unhappy. And unhappy for the rest of her pathetic life.

She truly thought I was having sex or A when I was traveling.
Tryn – this shouts justification. Believing you were not only capable of but carrying out the same deception made what she was doing not so bad. The fact she chose this particular individual also says something about herself and how she sees herself. She dumbed down because she felt unworthy of anything better. This is also pretty common. It is so that she can see what she has with you is worth hanging on to and he – the OM – is nothing in comparison. Another difficult concept to wrap your head around. She says a big weight is off her shoulders, an indication that the affair was over for her some time ago. She was waiting for the opportunity to finish it. Genuine remorse, openness and a want to put things right are all steps in the right direction.
********

Redhair, R will be very hard for you with him living 2hrs away. And it sounds as though he is still in the fog, rationalising his current behaviour towards you. He doesn’t want to face what he has done and is blame shifting to alleviate or banish his feelings of guilt. That is not good. You need to keep the 180 in place and deal with him on YOUR terms. If you don’t feel valued by him, you need to say so. Your IC is right in saying cordial is a good start. It implies that you are listening and prepared to have a conversation. You can do this while still doing the 180. I think you should also be looking at why he thinks the physical distance between you is acceptable while you are going though a marital catastrophe.
********

Miracle, are you really saying you are prepared to just be housesharing until the kids leave home? Is this punishment, or is it practical? I don’t see how you can continue to live with someone while having no intention to try reconciliation. It doesn’t seem fair to you, him or the kids.

i asked my wh last night for a divorce in the future, i want to set up a plan, sort of an exit strategy...i would like him to be able to remain in the house for my kids, i would also like to find a way for he and i to become friends...co-parenting friends..as i've said before he is family, as the father of my kids he will always be family....but that doesn't mean he has to be my "husband"
And what if, after he has done everything he can to win you back and fails, he decides to leave and D you? I’m sorry to say this, but it sounds as though you are bent on revenge and keeping him shackled as an emotional prisoner with no indication of ever releasing him. I hope I’m reading this wrong.
********

Meanwhile, FWH has been hopping from one foot to t’other about this holiday. We went to our local agents who had been in on the secret and she gave us the print offs of the places he had looked at. Including a couple of tiny islands that you get to by ferry. DS2 is all for saying “Go!” and he says he can sort any problems that might arise in loco parentis. He has travelled since he was 17, he’s 23 now so I suppose he’s more than able. And he has enough money to get anywhere that might be needed in an emergency. And he is soooo sensible. So I may agree to the luxury spa hotel in Madeira for a week, which is about a 3hr flight. Watch this space!!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good day. Welcome newbies to the club nobody wants to belong to. Weekends are usually slow here but this seems to be an exception.

I'm just stoppin in with...
Good news! DD's water broke so they went to the hospital about 8a and after fetal assessment were sent home about 11a. She is 2 cm. and 8 minutes apart so they are 'resting' at home and will let me know when they go back to the hospital later. She called me from home and said "Mom, we're having a baby today!"

Grandson #2 is on his way. As some of you know, he was due yesterday so we are glad he's decided to join the family today.


So I may agree to the luxury spa hotel in Madeira for a week, which is about a 3hr flight. Watch this space!!!

UKgirl... go for it! Sooounds wooonnnnderful to me.

{{{LTA tribe}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl.. thanks for those comment.. I still don't think my wife has come to terms with her abortion... and funny how all her brothers had A's too. It's kinda like when I grew up and went to school, I never skipped.. her mom would allow it. I never call in sick when I'm not sick.. she does. So her boundaries were never as solid as mine. I failed a picking a woman that had the same boundaries as me. I never really thought those would be a factor in life.. I read Sex on the Brain and it talks about that topic of picking the right person. Of course I was 23 years old at the time.. what the heck did I know?

iwantamiracle... You are so special for staying. Because for me, being with a partner may be more important then my kids...although mine have one foot out of the door... and I do feel good about my 19 years of being a great father.

redhairtemper...

I'm thinking of giving him an ultimatum...
It would so easy for me to tell dump his ass... but I know how hard. We all deserve to be with someone that really wants us a loves us. Our abuse has been going on for years and years. It's time for it to stop! I know mine has stopped. And I like what is going on right now but I still hurt like I'm in hell at times.

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:56 PM, July 11th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are prepared to just be housesharing until the kids leave home? Is this
punishment, or is it practical? I don’t see how you can continue to live with someone while having no intention to try reconciliation. It doesn’t seem fair to you, him or the kids.

this is for him and most especially for the kids...its not a punishment, if anything i am punishing myself, i want him out....but i want my kids to have their dad more....

my wh fucked up royally with my middle son who is now 15 years old, i have always been concerned for this one, i used to threaten my wh that my ds was prime pickins for a pedophile, because he was aching for my wh's approval....my wh was reliving his own childhoood and repeating this dad's mistakes......now my wh sees his kids for the first time and is willing to rectify that damage....better to rectify it while living in the same house...

the way i see it, if wh moves out, i will still be somewhat miserable, wh will defintiely be miserable and my kids will be miserable....so it doesn't make sense for everyone to be miserable....this way only my wh and i are miserable.....but it will hopefully not always be misery....for the most part as long as wh is not going on with his so called innocence or in my face with his shit, or lying (i know really big tasks) we will be fine.....

and financially this is probably the only way to helpo my kids in college, all 3 of them will be in college at some point at the same time....

so as long as wh abides by some mutal respect rules we should be fine, if not i have no hesitation to basically throw his ass out of here

the only reason he has been allowed to remain here is because of my kids....we've gotten close a few times to my boiling point and throwing him out, but for the most part he has retreated.....

ukgirl....the trip sounds very cool...r u o.k. with it yet?

lostsoul....keep us posted...how exciting love love love new babies....

You are so special for staying

trynhard...thank you....

i'll check in again later....


(((((tribe)))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 8:53 PM, July 11th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
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Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, July 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<> at LS!!! Granny! Fingers and toes crossed that all goes well. Or has gone well.

Tryn, it turned out that my MIL had an A. FWH thinks he was about 12. It was vaguely referred to by my FIL in a letter to me where he said he had “some idea” of what I was going through and proceeded to tell me the best way of dealing with it was to push it down until the feelings went away. Hmmm! And his family history on both sides has documented but not talked about adultery. It seems that there were other families produced by the erring spouse. One time I yelled at him that now he had the perfect excuse – he was genetically predisposed to having an affair. Not one of my finer moments, esp as we were in the park. But I do wonder if that knowledge somehow made it slightly more acceptable in his mind.

Miracle, do you think there is ANY chance of your m continuing? A year or so after dday, I did an “emotional” divorce inasmuch as I no longer consider myself married. I don’t think I will ever think of us a married ever again, but that doesn’t mean to say that we couldn’t be in a relationship. It’s hard to put into words as it’s not a state of limbo, it is a definite and definable state to be in and it’s where I’m happier. I don’t feel trapped and know that if things change for the worse, I will have no guilt about leaving him. He felt no need to do right by me and so I owe him nothing. He selfishly did exactly what he wanted, without any regard or respect for me or this family. Knowing now that he was not there for me (or probably ever)means he will never have 100% of me again. Caution will keep a %age back for me. I doubt he REALLY wanted to marry me, as far as he knew, the ex gf was married, so I was the one he just HAPPENED to marry. Besides, he still thinks he was not in a delusional state, that he didn't rationalise, project his guilt, repress what he was doing or have altered memory. Don't think he has really come to terms with what he has done if he still can't see it.

As for the trip – waiting for Monday to see if a couple of the options are still available.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:28 AM, July 12th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning everyone.

redhair, glad to see you took our advice and came on over. What you're attempting is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. But with him 2 hours away, he's kind of already out of your life isn't he?

Absolute NC is essential, including the damn lottery pool! My H didn't get it either. He thought he could still be in touch with the people who knew the OW and knew of the affair. But he was convinced they knew nothing. Like people (especially these people who both cheated on their spouses) would be that stupid.

But I didn't give him an ultimatum. Well, maybe it was, but I just offered him this "You do what you think is best for our marriage and I will do what I think is best for me." He was offered a job working with the OW's "best friend" and chief drug distributor. I said "I would feel extemely uncomfortable with that arrangement." He didn't take the job.

iwant, I'm sorry to hear you've reached the in-house divorce point. But you are not alone. I've ready many stories on here with arrangements as yours. Able to co-parent and remain in the house together. My IC would be the first, however to say, get out. Just proximity is going to affect your lifestyle. Our of sight, out of mind. And that the children would adjust and actually thrive in an atmosphere of less stress and tension.

tryn:

A No-Proof letter came in the mail... she said it was a lie and I believed her... and the next day she confessed to the truth. It is amazing what the brain can do...

I had the letter in my hand, in her writing, her name, my H's name, an explicit description of where, when and how and he said he "didn't know WHAT I was talking about" could he see it? He was so shocked, thinking he'd disposed of everything as it was given to him. I believe he was totally unaware she had hidden this one in his truck. THEN he went on to deny she'd ever been in his truck!

When I read him the letter, he said the OW was just some nut case who had a crush on him, even though the letter was EXPLICIT about things no one would casually know about him. It is truly amazing what the mind in denial can do.

(((shirley))) so sorry to hear the news.

((ls)) give that brand new grandbaby a hug and kiss from all his "aunties".


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello 'Aunties' and 'uncle/s' (don't want to leave anyone out)

Grandson was born @ 2:45 a.m. CST July 12th 2009. He weighed 8 lb 1 oz, is 22.5 in long and we think he's beautiful. Pediatrician agreed 'He's a fine boy'. DD is tired but very happy. S-i-l is tired and proud.

PM me for a photo as I don't have permission to post here.

This is a blessed family event and FWH and I are happy in the present. Don't know what the IC apptmt next week for FWH with my IC will do but she wants to see him. He agreed so... think of us Tuesday.

I may be busy at DD's this week but will have the tribe in my prayers.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big guy, LostS! Congratulations.


D-day 7/29/04.

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