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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, July 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart2:
It certainly is difficult to try to reconcile living apart, particularly as I was the relationship "caretaker". I won't "chase after him" as I call it, but he still assumes it is up to me to assign him tasks to do to reconcile. I made it clear from very early on that I will NOT do that...if he is that interested in reconciling, then he will do what is needed without me directing the action. But he doesn't get it....and frankly, I am reaching the point where I am finally dealing with the fact that he doesn't really want to...at least not on my terms. He would like to have his companion back, his social secretary and his financial manager back, but he isn't really interested in getting a WIFE back and I will settle for nothing less.

And how do I keep my self-respect? I have been asking myself from day one, why would I even want to stay with him after so many years of cheating and I just can't come up with an answer....
Bad day today....can't seem to stop crying....seems like I would be very dehydrated by now....

iwantamiracle:

when can you say that you have done all that you can do? if you are in active reconcilliation, i believe you need to base every decision froma hindsight perspective

I guess that's part of the problem...we really aren't in active reconciliation. We haven't really had a decent discussion since about April and certainly not since I pulled the plug on mc in May. We have had several nonsense go round in circle and rehash the same old subjects with no progress. Mostly me raging and/or crying and him whining about how "hard" this is for him. Nothing constructive....if he were headed in the right direction and just slow, maybe I could be a little more patient, but he is still waiting and hoping I will just quit asking him for too much and all will be fine. I haven't and I won't.


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

leapyearbaby:

i am so sorry for your pain...i know the feeling well unfortunately...

i never considered my wh and myself in reconcilliation. he never stopped lying, still doesn't know how to own his shit, still blameshifts, still denies....and when i know there is stillmore he has to come clean about...but i reached my point...if he didn't do it by a certain point i knew he just wouldn't....and the fact that he didn't love me enough in the first place added further insult to injury....my d-day may have only been 7 months ago, but i have been waiting for over 22 years for the man to step up and love me enough, i heard for over 22 yeras how he was changing....well i think i've waited long enough, if this latest discovery of just how much he didn't love me enough, was not enough of a catylist, well then it will never be...so i decided, i took the ball out of his court and decided once and for all that i was done...

staying in this sham of a marriage for my children is what i have to do, but staying with him in all respects has come and gone.....

but thats me....whats right for me may not be whats right for you

only you can decide what you can and cannot live with....there is no rush, take all the time you need, you will want to look back and have no regrets....and that means take your time before you reach a decision thats right for you....

i know that really doesn't help with the pain, i have no magic words, no magic potion just lots of hugs and support.....

in the meantime....go to the library, get out a bunch of books and be proactive in your own healing, stop wating for him....being proactive in your recovery will also help you figure out what ou need to do for you!

(((((leapyearbaby))))))

in the meantime treat yourself to the puffs plus tissues, they are the best tissues, god knows i went through my share of boxes....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Janis
♀ Member
Member # 18656
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 24th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to all who gave me advice...I know you all are right...just have to pull up my own boot straps and get busy.....


me-52
ws-61
together 28 yrs (married 16 yrs)
2 boys--21yrs and 27 yrs
D-Day 12/4/2007
?EA for 10+ years (maybe always)
"just friends".....
R..One Day at a Time
Let the Facts be Your Guide...Not Your Emotions....


Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, July 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, really quiet here today, tonite...

hoping thats a good sign!!

as always

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to go back on AD's for awhile. The only real problem I had with them last time was... well climax. Last week was not so good for me at work.. I just had zero motivation and feeling so sorry for myself... Physical intimacy has been so important to me during our R and I'm going to try give that a break... My last post here still dwelled on the past too much. I think I'm going to give them about 4 months and step up my exercise at the same time... try to not obsess.. I must get control over my life again... it is up and down.. down and up... I have to try something to get be back to living again.

Last night was the first time my wife and I talked about the future... a dream of sorts... sell some of our properties and buy one on a lake we can fix up... I have not had a dream in so long other then the ones that have me leaving and starting a new life.

Can I please asked you fine ladies to help if I get off track? Try and keep me positve...

I'm gonna to let God take me on my next adventure...

iwantamiracle.. Thanks for your help too, for some reason you make me feel real good.

LH. thanks too.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:57 AM, July 26th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 26th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey tryn: thanks for the compliment.....its a nice feeling to be complimented by a man other then the wh......
i have a couple of pondering questions for you:


Last night was the first time my wife and I talked about the future... a dream of sorts...

-how did this make you feel, talking about a future with your wife?

did you feel hopeful, happy , content, excited, scared, terrified????

and

I have not had a dream in so long other then the ones that have me leaving and starting a new life.

how does this fit in now?

or

is it hopefully on a hold of sorts, where its not at the front of your mind, and hopefully you can store in the deep recesses....

its really hard to concentrate on a future if you've got one foot out the door......

as much as the onus of r is on the ws's, we bs's need to be open to it and that would mean that as much as you have a plan if it doesn't work out, you need to have 2 feet firmly planted within your marriage for it to work, and i am assuming you want it to work......

i don't know if i am making any sense, sometimes i know what i mean but my translation is somewhat off......

and my last one:

I decided to go back on AD's for awhile

i am not a fan of drugs, i do use the xanax or at least a half of the lowest dose when needed, but to rely soley on drugs to do the work to me does you an injustice......i think people have to learn how to rely on themselves, to find their inner strength, we all have it, tapping into at times is impossible, but necessary in the longrun...so in addition to the meds please try to tap into your inner person, he really has enormous capability which means you have enormous capability.....get some books, meditate, exercise and eat well, you would be surprised at what you can accomplish....if i did it, truly anyone can.....

oh and take your pictures and keep writing....creativity is one window to the soul, and can be quite cathartic and have meditative value....

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:34 AM, July 26th (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all!

I have been lurking a little. Not online a lot. Spenidng lots of time with my mother consoling her about the loss of my father. Sorry I haven't been here to welcome all the new members. So sad to see so many more but glad they have found a place for support. I don't know if I will ever catch up on the last few pages but will do my best. For now, just hugs to all.

It has been a little over two weeks since my dad passed away and she is doing so much better. The service and internment are in a couple of weeks and I imagine that will be another "down" on the rollercoaster for her. Unfortunately, I am gripping onto the "safety bar" as the service and internment are very near to my 2 year antiversary. From what I have seen on SI, the two year mark can be a bad, bad place.

In the meantime, I think of all of you. If I read back and think of any advice I might just interject it here or there. If it doesn't "match" whatever discussion is happening at the time, please forgive me. Thinking of all of you.

HS


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hs,

glad to hear from you, so sorry that its going rough....i think about you often.....sending you some warmth, i get the feeling you could use some....

(((((hs)))))

and its quite quiet here again, so im hoping this is a good thing.....

as always

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey iwantamiracle
how did this make you feel, talking about a future with your wife?
I have said to her for months now… I would walk down the aisle with you right now. I get responses of caution… “I’m here, I love you, nobody knows the future, Living day by day” blah blah blah… So the commitment has not been there…. in a sense I am in limbo too. So yes, that “future” comment made me feel good.
one foot out the door
In a sense yes… and for good reason I think… why would anyone want someone who just said 3 weeks ago that she doesn’t desire you? Nor commitment on the level you need… or maybe we are just not ready for 100%.
And AD's... I am ok with them during rough spots. I'm sure they have done the brain scans that determine what areas have activity while in pains from A's. What they do is change the brain chemistry. And as time goes by, you work through the emotions and have a chance to determine what you want to do... or until you come to grip on what has happened. I do not want to lose my job right now as it is a good one... I have an obsessive personality and didn’t know it until my first IC pointed it out. I kinda view this obsessive personality as both a blessing and curse…. A curse when you wife was a cheater… a blessing when it is something positive. So these helped me from November to March… and I quit taking them because I felt so good and the side effects…. and just recently been feeling so depressed this past month.. so low… not feeling good about myself…

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:21 PM, July 27th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

or maybe we are just not ready for 100%.

tryn: without 100% from both of you, true r will not take place....

the desire that she lacks i understand is a sore point for you, understandibly so, but that is something that you would have to put aside for now anyways.....at least you know it has nothing to do with you, she has no desire period....

and just recently been feeling so depressed this past month.. so low… not feeling good about myself…

i do hope that you can turn this around.....you are a good man and you clearly love your wife.....you also need to love yourself.....

so do!!!



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No not feeling good about myself right now...

I know I'm letting my company down right now.. Other peoples jobs are dependant on me and I am letting them down. I hate to travel anymore. I can't make that extra effort, I just don't... I have zero motivation... I've had rough times at work but but this is unreal... I'll turn it around with the help of AD's.. lol...

Hey check this out.. I was driving along in MI and saw these guys... not focused because I'm still learning this camera.. http://www.flickr.com/photos/39426400@N08/3764309128/

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:46 PM, July 27th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey tryn:

the picture looked good to me.....sad caption for us on si, or wishful thinking for us on si.....

i hope the ad's work for you and i hope you find some motivation...sometimes you just have to fake it til you make it....yeah i don't know about that one either.....didn't even have the ump to fake it at times....lol

but i did manage to pull myself out of the funk, it was not pretty funk either.....getting my body back with the weight loss gave a slight boost to my ego, the biggest boost came when i was asked out on a date a couple of months back.....put that together with all the work i had been doing on me with all the reading, the walking, the eating right.....it was huge for me.....

i hope you get soemthing like that, i think your pictures might give you some of that....your pictures and writings.....so do it often, make time to just go out on nature walks or whatever take you camera and a journal and get lost in yourself....its a great place to be....


o.k. tribe....seems really quiet in here, i hope it means good things for all...

as always
(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my question for FNF and LH or the rest of the tribe-what boundaries did you set for R and what are your H's setting as boundaries for themselves. I mean if YOU view things differently and think they should have higher standards for themselves what do you do?

HB,
Very early on when we were discussing the R contract, these rules were established. As LTA2 happened at work, I think h himself was scared about how lax his boundaries had become, and was keen to uphold them. We had a few hiccups but touch wood, thats been going ok. I dont know if I insisted or we decided together that there wil be no more friends of the opposite sex, no time alone with opp sex except when it def cant be helped at work, no emails or onlne chats either that were not strictly of a work nature. Again we had a few hiccups but it seems ok now. Having said that, bear in mind pls that i dont have any access to his mails etc and all I go on is his word.

HB, it is obvious that your H's relations with these females is upsetting you(and understandably so)- my question then is why isnt your healing and your trust and your M a priority with him? Why is he still willing to hold onto old behaviours in spite of showing again very recently how poor his judgement is. Is he that willing to risk what he has?

((((((((HB))))))))

And good on you for prioritising you. All the best with your programme. You are going to get through this for YOU. If he is worth it, he will run alongside you.

***

He would like to have his companion back, his social secretary and his financial manager back, but he isn't really interested in getting a WIFE back and I will settle for nothing less.

Way to go, leapyearbaby!
It took me such a long time to get to this point (and I have to still work at it). I recently told my IC how well H had been treating me and commented that maybe he was scared from the last fallout. She said that she thought that in fact he was treating me well because he has realised that I will not accept any less, that I do not give in to his moods and threats.

How are you feeling now,leapyear? The first year is an absolute nightmare...

***

((((((((Shirley))))))))))))

Hang in there, Sweetie. Sending you buckets and buckets of white light.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn,
The rollercoaster just plain sucks.
You dont have to go back on the same antideps you had the last one - I had to try out a few before finding one whose side effects I could live with.

And hey, cut yourself some slack already! There is ALOT going on in your life and noone expects you to be superman. One of the good aftereffects of dday, was giving myself permission to not be "perfect" all the time. I have actually gotten pretty good at being imperfect!

***

Hey Miracle,
Thanks for holding down the fort whilst you have your own stuff going on.
How are you doing?


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lh2:

good to hear from you.....and hoping since you didn't post anything other then responses to others that means you're hanging in..i know you were having some small rough spots after some larger one, if i remember correctly...

as for me, i was doing really well until today, but not a related...i had a mommy breakdown of sorts, right now i do not like all 3 of my teens...2 of them in particular....i feel very unappreciated and that they are very ungrateful...i know its just hormones mixed in with parent issues ( 1 for self-esteem and the other mainly because she knows) the third one had a very minor infraction, his just came as the last straw and it was something so stupid, although i was in the middle of still listening to the middle one going off.....

sometimes its so exhausting, i feel like all i have ever done is put my kids welfare ahead of my own from the get go and still am doing just that.....and sometimes i feel like why should i bother.....thankfully i know why i feel like that and i don't feel like that except fleetingly.....right now i am taking a time-out of sorts from them....i am mad and they know it...it may not be the right way to handle it, but right now its the only way for me, i need a little distance, i will still say goodnight to them, but regular convo is not a happenin....every once in a while they need a good shakin up....mom is no ones doormat!!!!and thats final

other then that i am fine lh2, aren't you glad you asked!!!

as always
(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey iwantamiracle... I've been on this latest AD since Saturday and starting to feel better already. We'll see. And just think.. back to school soon! These kids just have no idea about life... yet they know it all too. Glad you liked my pic and caption... So you know, when hunters kill the mate of a Sandhill Crane, they do go on to find another. That was the first one I've ever seen...

Lost Heart2, this is my third different AD... I'm gonna keep tryin like you say...

Gonna finish the week off grand...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mom is no ones doormat!!!!and thats final

Amen!

I never realised how much my life revolved around my children and how little I gave myself, until I started working. Its taking us some time but we are getting there, where we ALL realise that mum needs time off and that she cant be everything to everyone.

Will your H step in when you need some timeout? This too took awhile but my H is more able to step in and more imptly, the chn accept this (in the beginning they would all look at each other dumfounded until one yells, "Muuuu-uuummmm!!!"

How about scheduling regular time out for you?

***

Tryn,
Keep up the good spirits!


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: glad to hear that this latest ad is helping, you do sound better too....

as far as back to school, i actually like my kids, i always did, so i like having them home, i hate when school is on, too much work, not enough down time and i have to be on top of them for h.w., projects and stuff, for 2 out 3 at least....yesterday though was another matter, i did not like them at all, it still contiues today, i am sure it will blow over soon....they are just being teenagers...

lh2: my h did step in and try to talk to them last nite and he defended me to them...my dd who knows about him took a major offense to that......my kids are old enough though that i could actually leave them alone for a bit without issue, they are 14, 15 and 16 years old so leaving them alone to take a time out is easy enough....

thanks for asking tryn and lh2....its been a rough mommy day or two, hopefully it will be back to normal soon....

So you know, when hunters kill the mate of a Sandhill Crane, they do go on to find another.

so, can we find some hunters, dress up my wh like one of these cranes....and well.......mmmmmmmm, nah it probably wouldn't work anyway. he'd proably take a bullet in the ass because he is one
hunters don't go shooting for asses do they?

shame om me, i am being very sarcatically bad.....

at least my sense of humor is here! thats always a good thing......right?


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello back to you Lost.

And hello also to you Shirley. I've been thinking about you and hoping you and your mother were doing all right.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 29th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

having a big trigger....

i get to go to one of the places my wh was with his last skank.....and i believe its where they first had sex.....yippee....

seriously....at least i will get it done.....i refuse to let his dick dictate where i can go comfortably....i had to put the first place they met behind me because that is one of the main places i walk every morning....otherwise i will spend my life avoiding place i really would like to go...as it is everytime i watch the weather and her town is always on the friggen map....its like give me a fucking break, i don't want to think about her or him...its bad enough i have to look at him everyday.....can you tell i am having a little anger...

i want to SCREAM at this moment, i am so angry that he did this to us.....o.k. i feel a little bit better, venting is always therapeutic......

on a great note, my middle son has apologized and spoken to one of the kids who disrespected me yesterday....long story not worth posting the whole thing...so anyway...YAY for ds....he sounded so grown up, the way he handled his friend and even this a.m. on his end of convo with his dad, his responses were grown up instead of what they were yesterday, which was a spoiled rotten brat....

o.k. i am one down...the daugter is totally another story....that one is still not pretty....but i know it will be better....eventually....just normal teenager crap....it just feels magnified vecause of everything else....whew...glad i got it all out of my system...sort of

thanks for listening (reading)


hi bt
still really quiet in here....


as always

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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