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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH2 - all joking aside, I would definitely get on a plane and hop the pond to be part of that gathering. However, FNF pm'd me the details and those dates don't work at all as I will doing a family thing then. Maybe another time?

Oh! The situation with the child. I don't know how you have the emotional strength to do that after everything you have been through. You truly are a saint.

Miracle, I saw your H's post in wayward about the loansharking and I thought "Oh, shit! Why don't they EVER learn?" All lies, big lies, little lies, lies of ommission, they are all so damaging. And having the kids brought into it... I am so sorry.


(((((((IWAM))))))


Hi Gettingthru!
Hi Zanny!

Lunch was great! I was so nervous I almost bailed but they were really nice and we had all BTDT. I can't imagine how awesome it would be to meet some of you guys. These were a couple of SIers I don't even know. I just saw the Boston get together thread in F&G and thought "can't make that but I could meet up with them for lunch." so we did


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB, I have no more to add hon. The line has to be drawn in the sand and you cannot spend your life watching and waiting for the next dday or potential dday. You sound strong, but he has to do the work, not you. You have to ask yourself if the m is worth saving and if you love him enough to try. But no more last chances. Keep your dignity and self respect.

Shirley, I hope the letter gives you the separation you are looking for. And that she respects your wishes. Sometimes it is best to keep toxic people out of our lives. I’m way too forgiving in that respect. Well, not so much now, having cut off my B&SIL!!!!

FYI, I am going into Boston today to meet TreadingWater and ImGonnaMakeIt.

Yay!! You’ll have a great time!! Fill us in later.

Feeling: why are you carrying on like this? Why are you allowing them to carry on like this? This is NOT good for your psyche or your health. Please make the break, this is killing you. You cannot R with someone who doesn’t want to and/or who is not willing to give up OW. I’m sorry I can’t help you, I don’t “do” tech stuff. Hugs.

Miracle. Please remember that these LTA’ers do squash things down. FWH couldn’t “remember” the last time he saw MOW other than it was “a few months ago” which turned out to be a few weeks and that it was “around” her b’day. ‘scuse me, it WAS her b’day, which he claimed to not know. (talk about pulling teeth). He’d known her five yrs and then another five and he didn’t know her b’day??? To this day I still can’t get my head round that one. He knew I was in contact with MOW and he still couldn’t/wouldn’t say. By that point I began to wonder if he could blank some stuff out of his head. I think he had simply stopped caring about her and was wiping his memory after each contact. As to the loanshark, he isn’t learning much, is he. All I can say is; expect more showdowns. Stay strong sweetie.

LostH Not a nice thing to have to do, but the child has to come first. I couldn’t do your job, I’d want to take all the kids round to my house and keep them here!

I’ve always hugged my boys and I’m pleased to say they are quite happy to hug me back and say in front of their friends I love you Mum. Awww.

I've gotten so good at pretending that it's scaring me.

Utterly fed up with it. Getting out that false persona and fake smile. Ugh, sometimes it just sucks and sucks again.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops! Cross posting shirley.

Knew you’d have a great time!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I watched the dateline video posted by JustWow with some infidelity “expert” saying that 88% of WH saying that the AP was not better looking or in better shape than the wife, nor was it about sex, it was about feeling they were not appreciated at home. That the AP was showering them with attention. Well, whoop-i-di-do. Did my H read or write the book? I tell you, that made me so fucking mad. There was I doing everything else and he was being a complaining schoolboy. He had no fucking excuse. We had three teenage kids and a 6yr old, a sick parent and he was feeling undervalued? So he lives a fucking fantasy for years on end? An alternative life? How fucking dare he. I was STILL seeing to his needs and wants anyhow. We were still having w’ends away, nice meals in and out, I was looking after myself (as the saying goes) and we were having a good sex life – until HE decided it wasn’t enough! How about he did it just b/c he could and he wanted to???

I had a curious conversation with FWH at the w/end. Well actually, I ended up yelling at him. And i don't do yelling. A song came on the radio on Friday “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack. I went out to the kitchen, looked at the radio, tears springing into my eyes, my heart crumbling into pieces and tremblingly turned it OFF and gave a loud “No, no NOOOOO”. FWH had texted me XXX. I told him the song that had come on, this was his reply
“There are 21 songs on Stevie Wonder’s album with great lyrics on all of them and they all remain valid today. With so many words, and I love you amongst them, and you must not cry because the first time ever is still true; for me the awesome line is when I lay with you. That was my defining moment. Don’t let my crass behaviour 30 years later make any difference to how you, I, we felt then X.” [he was obviously listening to the SW cd]
Okay, so Saturday evening, I asked him what he meant by “defining moment”. His answer was that it was the amount of trust I was putting in him after the rape incident. Allowing him to be with me and for us to have sex with him even though I was in a fragile state (KISA syndrome here). So I pointed out that he had used those lines in a POEM ABOUT HER!!! “ A stillness from when we were young, the first time / Ever I lay with you smilingly recalled, tasted once more,” The stupid bastard said it didn’t matter, because the lines were as relevant to her as to me, AARRRGGGHHHH!!!!! I know he doesn’t “do” music or pop songs, but really!!! I could have wopped his head off his shoulders, what a fuckwit of gigantic proportions!

And then there was the monologue in bed later. And it was still all about him. Guess it always will be. Rant over.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll do a "before and after" in F&G when my eye is better. Having stitches out on Thursday. But after pestering (shirley!) here's last summer on the London Eye

*poof!*

and this one is 30th March, at the vineyard, 6wks after the op. FWH wanted to take a photo, as you can see, no jewellery so I hadn't finished getting ready!

*poof!*

Ladies, these will be poofed in the next day or so!
eta oops, try again!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:28 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! OMG! OMG!

UKG!!!

I soooooooooooo want to meet your surgeon! You look like you are 30 (tops!) Absolutely amazing! And, I like the hair color too. Sweetie, please don't have any doubts about "this corner of my eye" or "that boob is lower". Christ, I can nearly tuck my boobs into my pants!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW! Now, seeing the before picture, I woudl have said you were beautiful, but boy do you look so YOUNG in the after picture! Plus I love your hair color, and your figure is ridiculous it's so cute! Seriously, no regrets, you are hot!

Crappy here. The roller coaster continues. Told him no more porn, he's looked at it twice since then. Once he left it up on the computer and I found it in the morning. He hadn't completely deleted history. I emailed him about that and he hasn't read it yet. We'll see what he says when he readsit.

MC wants me to talk to him about sex. To ask him if he wants to have sex with me. To find out the answer so I can go form there. She thinks he woudl not have done this much work and come this far if he didn't want things to work with me.

I saw him type to someone that he was happy to have his family still and he coudln't screw that up, although it's hard. Why is it so fucking hard to be faithful??? I don't get it. I really don't.

I am just not sure what I am goign to do. Divorce is still always in the back of my mind. He doesn't even think about it or see it as an option. He wants us to stay married.

Like I said, don't know what will happen.

Hmm, not sure why you need video to prove he is doing anything. I don't think I understood your post. Have you talked to him? Asked him? Looked at phone records? If she is really in the hosue with him, why not just sneak up on them? I am sorry, just really ocnfused by your post. You sound quite frantic about it all.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl, you are fabulous!!

Don't post much anymore, but lurk daily--hugs to all of us in pain.

Life goes on here--for those of you who don't remember or know me, H had a 5 year, long-distance A which resulted in an OC right before we were to move 5000 miles away from OW, which was supposed to end it.

The OC business is still difficult but we're managing. Our problem (or H's problem) is that he remains defeated by all of it--regrets it, feels like it was in an alternate universe which he couldn't get out of (a common thread with some LTA'ers), knows that he wrecked my life, our kids' memories and expectations, his OC's life in that he is a truly long-distance father, OW's life (not that I care about that one much, but it was a relationship and he does know he messed up with her as well, tho she knew well what she was going after and the fact that he told her from the beginning he wasn't going to leave me and his family--go figure), and his own life as well.

All true, but he is unable to move forward very much. We are still together, have built a life in our new home, but although he says he loves me and wants to grow old, be with grandchildren (if the kids will allow it), etc. etc., his feelings are completely dead. I don't really get it--if you say you love someone, how can those feelings be dead, but he says that's the best way he can describe it.

He's depressed, but not clinically (so meds probably wouldn't help much), had IC for awhile, has thought out what allowed him to do it in the first place, all that. Still in the depths--he's a natural pessimist, and most of what he's depressed about is all true and not going away...still, I'd like a little more life in his R with me.

It's tough cuz though I am changed too--all the things we all know that happens with an A and a LTA especially, but I am by nature an optimist--and just sort of feel, let's get on with it, make the best of it, for god's sake, I'm 60 years old and don't want the last years of my life to be so depressing.

But at least I love where we live (Bay Area--any others around here?), love my job, won't give up 30 years (minus 5 for the A!), won't give up our lifestyle, and do love most of H.

BTW, I can really relate to the face that some of us put on to the world--no one knows about this yet except our therapists--kids will within a few months, we're working on the logistics as they're far flung and we want to do it in person.

Again, hugs to all.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

uk girl.....u rock.....

thanks for the support.....

dealbreaker...i had told him that it needed to STOP or the marriage would not go forward, he lied and just never stopped....

he claims its for real this time...sounds like a child

Why is it so fucking hard to be faithful???

(((SOLOST))) isn't that the question of the century for all of us?

i am envious of the get togethers.....a happy for you kind, wich i could join.....i would imagine its ike meeting family....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to the rest of this wonderful tribe...

much (((((HUGS))))) as always

sorry to see new names, but look forward to learning about all of you.....this is a growing state of being for way too many people.......very sad


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG,

Looking good!! And hopefully feeling good as well!

Just jumping in to say good morning and offer my hugs and good thoughts.

R is going well, better than I ever thought. I don't even worry about "jinxing" myself anymore!

I only have a few days of work left and then a couple months of freedom and I can't wait. Mr. Lovin and I have alot of trips planned, camping of course, and it should be fun. I can actually say that being with him, and around him is fun!!

Sorry for all the hurt here, and I continue to keep you all in my prayers.

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - You look fabulous. If I were staying longer in London, I might be tempted to set up an appointment with your surgeon. I agree with HS, you look "30 tops"!
HS - isn't it amazing meeting up with SI'ers IRL?
One day hopefully we can meet up too.
SL - sorry to see that your H is still being challenging.
I do hope his IC or your MC can help him to work through this. Does his IC do any sex therapy or can he refer him to someone? I do think he would benefit from someone in this field.
25Wimsey - it's good to see you again. Believe me, we all admire your strength in your situation. And who gives a damn about the OW's life now. She knew this going in and is now suffering the consequences of her crime.
I'm sorry your H is suffering so much depression but I don't understand why you don't think he'd benefit from AD's. I do not suffer from clinical depression but I did take AD's that first year after d-day and they helped me get over the worst of my "situational" depression. Have you or your H talked this over with his IC? It certainly sounds like he needs something to pull him out of this.
Miracle - I read and responded to your H's post the other day. I have to tell you, that it was hard not to be harsh (I didn't want to get kicked off this site so I restrained myself.
) It was so strange reading his topic, How can I get my wife to believe me, and then read his post admitting that he continues to lie to you and change his story, and continues with his loansharking when he promised he would stop that. Who would believe him? I didn't understand how he could ask that question and then list all the ways he continues to lie and think that you should believe him when he tells you something.
He has a lot of work to do. I hope he has the determination to do it.
Many hugs to you Miracle.
I hope everyone has a good day. Take care tribe!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK, you are a beautiful woman. Thanks for posting the pix.

Tell me your H didn't write those words to the OW during the affair? If he wrote them when they were together before you guys that's one thing. But if he thinks you should be willing to have him apply the same words to you that he did to an OP, he needs his neck wrung.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You look like you are 30 (tops!)

ROFLMAO!!! I wish!!! “20yrs younger”
But thanks.
I’ll get there.

Tell me your H didn't write those words to the OW during the affair?

Umm. Yup. He did. Just after the affair began. It went like this:
"These are the dreaming visions, thoughts falling apart,
Bodies trembling to the touch, shadows, ringwraiths,
Candles spluttering, breasts pounding, breathless,
Memories pouring back, commonsense clawing back,
A stillness from when we were young, the first time
Ever I lay with you smilingly recalled, tasted once more,
Temptation without guilt, so simple, your look remains,
And your eyes slowly fill with joyful tears, truth disturbed,
Lovers unperturbed, just gazing back over the years,
Running away from the fears, for now we are becalmed"

Good, eh? But then I guess it’s easy to give something that worked with one partner to another. And it’s one of those songs that has a certain quality. I just said “great, so we have nothing that was or is just for us” (me yelling) “nothing because you gave it all to HER”. Little by little, he gave bits of me and us to her and them. And he can’t understand why that relationship (our marriage) is finished?

Why do I keep this stuff? I will keep everything until I feel I have dealt with it. Then I will get rid of it all in the same way as I have destroyed and binned all marriage mementos. Right now, it feels part of my protection.

He was due to be away tonight, but is making the four and a half hour drive to come home. He doesn’t like staying away. It’s a strange position to be in. During the affair, he would text and talk to MOW all evening and give me one or two quick calls. Or he would have her company for the evening, night and breakfast. Or he would leave it open for coming home or staying away, depending on what HER BH was doing. That has been transferred to me. All the ILY texts, the intensity of them, the “just wondering how you are” phone calls and wanting to be with me. So he’s lonely and feeling it all the more so because he doesn’t have her and what we had is broken, so he is anxious to know I am here and not about to do a moonlight flit. And I don’t like it. I am not her.
********
SoL, I’m sure I’ve said this before. He HAS to stop the porn. It IS like a drug. He is desensitised to real life and real flesh and blood. That stuff is not real. It is graphic and views women as objects who are there purely for the satisfaction of men’s sexual desires. In the end, it means nothing. It is all the same – fucking. Women up for it and panting for some bloke with a hard-on. 10mins or an hour, it doesn’t matter. It has to stop. It is impinging on and having a detrimental effect on your marriage. Have you talked about divorce with him? Laid it out on the table, so to speak?
********
Hi wimsey. Well, I guess it’s understandable. He got himself into this position. He didn’t think about the possible consequences – but then does anyone when they think that no one will ever find out? It is a huge price for both of you to pay and I wonder if some of his inability to be happy his downfall and shame is being emphasised by your seemingly forgiving and virtuous nature with staying by him. That he cannot hold his head up in front of your children because he knows that when the day comes and they know, he will see a different look in their eyes. Do you think this secret is becoming a burden to him?
********
Hi Lovin’! I am so glad your R is working. You’ve both been working on the same song sheet from the very start and that is the secret to your success. Your FWH owned his shit from the beginning, didn’t beat about the bush, lie, omit and generally squirm around trying to find a way out. I wish I could take a sample of his blood and inject it into my H. Actually, I wish I could have had some “honest” (oxymoron, I know) WS serum on dday. S’truth!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:29 PM, May 13th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg!
You look amazing. And ladies, she has the pukka posh Brit accent to go with that body/face!

The stupid bastard said it didn’t matter, because the lines were as relevant to her as to me


How on earth do you keep yourself from dropping something large and heavy (or hot and liquid )on his head??
That was such an awful awful thing to say...now after all this time. Sheesh.
I hope he got to sit in the naughty corner for a bit.

***
Shirley,

Maybe another time?

You bet!

I don't know how you have the emotional strength to do that

I think thats why I am struggling so much with this one...I was running a bit on empty just before this happened.
Strange thing though...my IC thought my strong reaction to this case was rooted in my childhood. We explored that and it seems she's on to something. When I was 9,(same age as little girl), I was badly burnt with boiling water (this girl was burnt with an iron)and didnt receive the appropriate attention.My mum had some mental health issues (ditto the girl but on a much larger scale)and my father was emotionally absent (ditto the girl). IC thinks I have some unresolved issues about this and this case has triggered them.
Which is really crappy because I dont want to compromise this child or not give the best of my professional ability.
Which makes me work extra hard on this.

***
Whimsey,
I agree with Fnf...antideps should be explored again.
As for his feelings being dead...I think thats actually quite selfish and not fair on you or your children.
Would he consider going into IC again, this time to deal with his depression and the rebuilding of his life?
How can you be expected to enjoy your M together when half of you feels dead? NOT FAIR!

***
Hey Lovin.
You are our breath of sunshine.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I WILL take a trip over the pond for no OTHER reason but to whap Mr. UKG up side of the head!

And, sadly, yes, they did give us away piece by piece until there is nothing left that is "ours" or "special". Once when EO was away we were in a texting battle as he tried to come up with something, anything that was sacred. He couldn't do it.

LH2 - It DOES sound like your IC is onto something. Something big. I hope this is a breakthrough for you.

SoLost - I have to agree that there should be NO PORN AT ALL if your sex life is not satisfactory. That stuff is so far from reality that it can make the "real thing" an illusion. Not to mention it is just gross!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I WILL take a trip over the pond for no OTHER reason but to whap Mr. UKG up side of the head!

And, sadly, yes, they did give us away piece by piece until there is nothing left that is "ours" or "special". Once when EO was away we were in a texting battle as he tried to come up with something, anything that was sacred. He couldn't do it.

LH2 - It DOES sound like your IC is onto something. Something big. I hope this is a breakthrough for you.

SoLost - I have to agree that there should be NO PORN AT ALL if your sex life is not satisfactory. That stuff is so far from reality that it can make the "real thing" an illusion. Not to mention it is just gross!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I WILL take a trip over the pond for no OTHER reason but to whap Mr. UKG up side of the head!

And, sadly, yes, they did give us away piece by piece until there is nothing left that is "ours" or "special". Once when EO was away we were in a texting battle as he tried to come up with something, anything that was sacred. He couldn't do it.

LH2 - It DOES sound like your IC is onto something. Something big. I hope this is a breakthrough for you.

SoLost - I have to agree that there should be NO PORN AT ALL if your sex life is not satisfactory. That stuff is so far from reality that it can make the "real thing" an illusion. Not to mention it is just gross!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi wimsey. Well, I guess it’s understandable. He got himself into this position. He didn’t think about the possible consequences – but then does anyone when they think that no one will ever find out? It is a huge price for both of you to pay and I wonder if some of his inability to be happy his downfall and shame is being emphasised by your seemingly forgiving and virtuous nature with staying by him. That he cannot hold his head up in front of your children because he knows that when the day comes and they know, he will see a different look in their eyes. Do you think this secret is becoming a burden to him?

Yes I think it is a burden, to us both actually. We both wonder if after they know and some of the fallout has fallen, it might be easier for us to go forward in some ways.

fnf, I agree that I don't care about ow's life, but the point is that H does cuz it relates to his own R with OC--she's not the steadiest person in the world, and I can see her doing things that would make it more difficult for H to have a R with OC or making it so impossible that OC wonders what's wrong with him or his parents? That unfortunately is really important to H. So me not caring about her doesn't matter in my and H's R, since he does.

You've given me some food for thought about AD's--maybe they might help.

But I'm afraid that we're coming to the point where we will hit a wall--between H feeling dead (yes, unfair to me--but saying it doesn't change things, just states a fact--it is selfish, but I know really down people don't see that, just their own pain) and further problems with participating in OC's life so long distance and with OW's strictures. And to his credit, H does see my pain--just doesn't see a way out of making it worse for either him or me in dealing with OC and a neurotic OW--not an excuse, just how he sees it.)

So right now we're in limbo--talking more profoundly than we have in a while, not coming up with many solutions. I'm not willing to live with a H who isn't willing to compromise a little about how he deals with OC (and thus OW)--but I'm willing to wait and see if telling the kids and others about the mess shakes something up for him.

I also can't face yet the idea of failure, and the fact of disentangling our lives (financially, belongings, living arrangements, etc.) boggles my mind to think about dealing with. It's easier to go along day to day now, talking more, seeing where it comes out, and sort of having that marriage of convenience that someone was writing about on general, I think it was.

We're in a dark place now--with the best of reconciliation intentions, the way it's turning out feels like a balloon letting out all its air--faster than we can fill it up again. And it is cuz of OC and all that entails. It is unfair...


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi wimsey,

If I were in your H's place, I would have so much foreboding about telling the kids that I would probably be catatonic. I'll bet the final telling will shake a lot of things up, like a dam breaking almost. I hope so for both your sakes.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

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