UK.... That's a good post by that lady… We have some amazing folks around here.
Calamity.. you post is a dido for me…
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R
lostsoul: it good to hear from you, and even better that you are enjoying your grandson....
kalamity, i agree its been pretty quiet, its actually been pretty quiet all the way around.....almost scarily so....kind of eerie...
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I know my wife and I have been getting along just fine but I still hurt... I'll post all the details of the weekend... you all have a good one too.
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:11 AM, August 7th (Friday)]
No one has hurt me more or disappointed me as much as you have. I still find it difficult to believe the way you ended our relationship. Would it really have cost you too much to talk to me and explain your decisions? Even though I have written you trying to find some closure, it is still elusive. I have vented and probably said things I shouldn't have and wouldn't have if we had had any conversations about these major changes in our lives. You have always said that no matter what I would always hold a special place in your heart and that you would always be there for me. Well I guess that was lies too. I am sorry he [her H] bothered you with our recent tragedy. He made that call while I was in the shower. He told me you said you would call, but I guess that was beyond you too. When he told me that he had called you, he said it was because he thought talking with you would bring me some comfort, when in actuality he has been the greatest comfort for me. I guess when he told me he would always be there for me he meant it from the bottom of his heart and soul. It seems I made the correct choice all those years ago and was just too stupid to realize it. Can't imagine making all life choices with your mind only, not letting your heart feel. Yours must be very encased with ice, and you can keep hiding your eyes from me...I know the real you under all those layers and your heart will never be the same, especially with the way you have treated me. There still has to be a small portion of your brain that knows how hateful and hurtful you have deliberately been and that will continue to eat away at the kind sensitive guy hiding in there.
H called and told me about the letter right away and gave it to me when we met for lunch. This is one mentally disturbed chick who still just doesn't get it. I guess the note of apology in the thank you card was not quite sincere. All in all, a very positive experience for us. Assures me that H hasn't been in contact with her and he was feeling pretty happy that he felt no emotional response to the letter at all. I'm sure the drama is not over. During the 22 years they were "friends" H told me repeatedly that she was the kind of person that did not let anything go. H says he has resisted the urge to simply ask her H to tell her not to write to him anymore and let that fall out however it might. I asked his permission to go to her office and tell her to leave my H alone, but he said no. Damn! Ignore, ignore, ignore. That will be our credo! (I get some satisfaction from the fact that it obviously drives her a little more insane than she already is!)
Have a great weekend everyone!
When he told me that he had called you, he said it was because he thought talking with you would bring me some comfort, when in actuality he has been the greatest comfort for me. I guess when he told me he would always be there for me he meant it from the bottom of his heart and soul. It seems I made the correct choice all those years ago and was just too stupid to realize it.
Okay, sorry but that is just so fucking pathetic I can't stand it. Um, beeatch, he IS your husband (even if YOUR vows didn't mean anything) and he is being amazing to show your skanky ass any compassion so just GIVE IT UP that another woman's husband refuses to go there with you!!!
That message was beyond delusional. Yes, ignore, ignore, ignore. Good job to your H for sharing with you immediately. Also, it is great when they get to see who these OW REALLY are.
Have been having awful dreams lately and am hoping it is the antiversary and not my gut talking again. How do we ever learn to live a normal life again?
she is totally nuts.....
does her bh know of the affair?
hs: you have alot on your plate, of course your having bad dreams.....try not to read too much into them, worrying will not get you anywhere except more stressed, try to enjoy your vacation.....
i know, so much easier said then done.....
enjoy your vacation if you do not get to post again, and if you end up having some time in your schedule for a visit, just holler.....in ny we say "hey, Yo".....lol
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:56 PM, August 7th (Friday)]
welcome to our little corner of s.i......and very sorry you are here
if you have not already done so go to the healing library.....
its pretty quiet in here on the weekends....i only popped in for min...having company....
i will try to check in again later......
please know that you are not alone, there are quite a few of us with ws's that had lta's.....
i believe we are a unique bunch.....but the devastation is not unique to any of us on s.i......we all suffer the hurt of the betrayal(s).....
ramble away, we all do....its very cathartic for me at least.....
and lack of memory he also one of my pet peeves that my wh claims too!!!!i know how fustrating it can be....
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 12:21 PM, August 8th (Saturday)]
You are not far out from DDay. My advice is to give yourself time. Don't make any hasty decisions about the marriage. It's OK to decide NOT to decide anything right now.
Don't be surprised if your H trickle-truths. Doing so is pretty common for WS. Remember to take care of yourself, and don't accept any blame for your H's poor choices no matter what he might say.
I'm sorry you are hurting.
lh2: very belated comment from late July...grandkids age 8 and 11, came to visit..busy...busy...and waaaay tired. Must remember to give grandma a day of recovery between activities at next visit.
In order to not cause grandkids problems over scheduled visit, I moved back into house (and bed) while they were here. Ironic, we get along swimmingly as long as someone else is around and the "issues" are not being discussed..very easy to fall back into that pattern of "before".
I never had any problems knowing what I wanted from him...just can't seem to convince him that I am serious, will not settle for less and he cannot control the terms of any reconciliation. He doesn't threaten...he is a smoozer and thinks he can talk me into giving up and doing it his way....Not gonna happen.
Day before we picked up kids @ airport had a huge blow-up...he is so angry @ himself, but can't quite deal with it appropriately, so he gets angry at me. After that, called truce for kids visit, but scheduled for tomorrow one last (for me, at least) discussion to see if this is going anywhere. I think it is still an attempt to coax me into doing it his way....
Still planning on filing in September....have little hope he will submit to my requirements.
Although I did not have the 22 years of waiting as you describe, your comment about him not loving you enough to do what you needed really hit home. I have felt from the first that his first priority was to protect his ego, his perceived image of himself was and still in more important than doing what I needed from him to feel safe. He has been at best, half-hearted, foot-dragging, relucant, even grudging.
And I don't mean the cheating part...I am as sure as I can be that that part stopped, he is nc. I have all his passwords and cell phone records and I am far more technically adept than he is. If he is still communicating, he is being VERY good at it and should look into spywork.
But the requirements I have set for reconciliation...he thinks it is a pick and choose list....well, I don't want to that, so how 'bout if I do this and this? No....this isn't a menu with substitutions allowed.....
on a great note, my middle son has apologized and spoken to one of the kids who disrespected me yesterday....long story not worth posting the whole thing...so anyway...YAY for ds....he sounded so grown up, the way he handled his friend and even this a.m. on his end of convo with his dad, his responses were grown up instead of what they were yesterday, which was a spoiled rotten brat....
I have NO idea how you guys with kids handle this. Mine are grown, gone and married themselves. They know we are separated, but I have not shared any of the painful story. Part of it is I simply wouldn't be able to keep my composure long enough and 2ndly, I will not put them in the middle by telling them what he has done. I think they have a clue, but have not directly asked me and to their indirect questioning, I simply respond with something vague.
hang in there with the daughter....our youngest was hell on wheels for most of her teen years, but did finally grow out of it. Both our girls married people with kids and my wh always joked that he knew about the mother's curse "may you grow up to have kids just like you", but didn't know there was also a stepparents curse "may you grow up to marry someone with kids like you." Our youngest D is now getting a taste of her own medicine....
that's what I really like about this site...so many of us have been in the same place and have the same thoughts.
That's where my wh is....doesn't want to look at what he did and like you, I kind of understand it....here in the states during the Clinton impeachment, James Carville made the comment about Clinton lying about the affair, that "if he had something that stupid, he'd lie about it, too." At the time, I simply thought it was amusing, now I really see that that is what many wh's do....
I recommend a book that is listed in the library. "The Power To Forgive, the Right not To", by Janis Spring (think I got the name right, if not, close) It really helped with the forgiveness/acceptance issue. I recognise that I probably will end up with acceptance, at best...