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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey iwantamiracle... don't sell yourself short now. I do remember you saying something about getting asked out... no good man is going to want you until you are single anyway.
I was having dinner with my customer Monday night. His wife was having a EA and left him a year ago. He is 3 months from divorce. He told me about all the ladies that have rejected him and it's not easy... He didn't even know why? They tell him no connections... lol... but I’ll bet anyone right now... in one year, he will be with a really nice lady... and happy... mark this post! Just gotta look.
If my R doesn't work.. I can tell ya... looks ain't gonna do it for me! NO WAY.. inner beauty will be number one... looks will be a bonus! and I will take my time too.
boundaries
yep.. I will leave if they are broken..
liar
I think you make a choice to give someone a choice to change... sometimes, it takes getting caught before behavior changes..
and one more thing... I see your H's post... he picking you... I have no idea why he just doesn't sit down and write out all the info you want?
Anyway, I admire you for your strength.

UK.... That's a good post by that lady… We have some amazing folks around here.

Calamity.. you post is a dido for me…


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
kalamity
♀ Member
Member # 21802
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very quiet day. Hope that means everyone is getting on with life in a positive way!

((tribe))


When it feels like your life is falling apart, perhaps it is falling in place.

BS(me)-56
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R


Posts: 104 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Nebraska
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sister is visiting until the 11th and we've been at my dd's a lot so I haven't been able to be here but I am thinking about the tribe. My grandson is cuter every day.
FWH is off this week so we are enjoying family time.
{{{LTA}}}

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, August 6th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes tryn thanks for reminding me i was asked out on a date, and you know what it still feels great....

lostsoul: it good to hear from you, and even better that you are enjoying your grandson....

kalamity, i agree its been pretty quiet, its actually been pretty quiet all the way around.....almost scarily so....kind of eerie...

as always

((((((tribe))))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Retrouvaille™ starting today for us...

... a lifeline for Marriages
A program to Help Couples Heal and Renew their Marriages.
•Do you feel lost, alone or bored in your marriage?
•Are you frustrated, hurt or angry with your spouse?
•Are you constantly fighting? Or, do you simply shut down?
•Have you thought about separation or divorce?
•Does talking about it only make it worse?

... Retrouvaille provides marriage help!

I know my wife and I have been getting along just fine but I still hurt... I'll post all the details of the weekend... you all have a good one too.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:11 AM, August 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sending s.i. mojo to ya tryn....and a few prayers....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
kalamity
♀ Member
Member # 21802
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the drama continues...H got this letter from OW today...
No one has hurt me more or disappointed me as much as you have. I still find it difficult to believe the way you ended our relationship. Would it really have cost you too much to talk to me and explain your decisions? Even though I have written you trying to find some closure, it is still elusive. I have vented and probably said things I shouldn't have and wouldn't have if we had had any conversations about these major changes in our lives. You have always said that no matter what I would always hold a special place in your heart and that you would always be there for me. Well I guess that was lies too. I am sorry he [her H] bothered you with our recent tragedy. He made that call while I was in the shower. He told me you said you would call, but I guess that was beyond you too. When he told me that he had called you, he said it was because he thought talking with you would bring me some comfort, when in actuality he has been the greatest comfort for me. I guess when he told me he would always be there for me he meant it from the bottom of his heart and soul. It seems I made the correct choice all those years ago and was just too stupid to realize it. Can't imagine making all life choices with your mind only, not letting your heart feel. Yours must be very encased with ice, and you can keep hiding your eyes from me...I know the real you under all those layers and your heart will never be the same, especially with the way you have treated me. There still has to be a small portion of your brain that knows how hateful and hurtful you have deliberately been and that will continue to eat away at the kind sensitive guy hiding in there.

H called and told me about the letter right away and gave it to me when we met for lunch. This is one mentally disturbed chick who still just doesn't get it. I guess the note of apology in the thank you card was not quite sincere. All in all, a very positive experience for us. Assures me that H hasn't been in contact with her and he was feeling pretty happy that he felt no emotional response to the letter at all. I'm sure the drama is not over. During the 22 years they were "friends" H told me repeatedly that she was the kind of person that did not let anything go. H says he has resisted the urge to simply ask her H to tell her not to write to him anymore and let that fall out however it might. I asked his permission to go to her office and tell her to leave my H alone, but he said no. Damn! Ignore, ignore, ignore. That will be our credo! (I get some satisfaction from the fact that it obviously drives her a little more insane than she already is!)

Have a great weekend everyone!


When it feels like your life is falling apart, perhaps it is falling in place.

BS(me)-56
WS-59: LTA (22+ years)
MOW-54: H's old girlfriend
D-day 08/11/08 (3 days before 25th anniversary)
Working hard on R


Posts: 104 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Nebraska
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he told me that he had called you, he said it was because he thought talking with you would bring me some comfort, when in actuality he has been the greatest comfort for me. I guess when he told me he would always be there for me he meant it from the bottom of his heart and soul. It seems I made the correct choice all those years ago and was just too stupid to realize it.

Okay, sorry but that is just so fucking pathetic I can't stand it. Um, beeatch, he IS your husband (even if YOUR vows didn't mean anything) and he is being amazing to show your skanky ass any compassion so just GIVE IT UP that another woman's husband refuses to go there with you!!!

That message was beyond delusional. Yes, ignore, ignore, ignore. Good job to your H for sharing with you immediately. Also, it is great when they get to see who these OW REALLY are.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been lurking some. Not posting much except about a trip we are leaving for soon and getting suggestions in F&G. Things are okay here. I always dread posting that for fear of another disaster. Antiversary #2 is coming in a little over a week just after my father's internment. So much loss in such a small amount of time.

Have been having awful dreams lately and am hoping it is the antiversary and not my gut talking again. How do we ever learn to live a normal life again?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kalamity:

she is totally nuts.....

does her bh know of the affair?

hs: you have alot on your plate, of course your having bad dreams.....try not to read too much into them, worrying will not get you anywhere except more stressed, try to enjoy your vacation.....

i know, so much easier said then done.....

enjoy your vacation if you do not get to post again, and if you end up having some time in your schedule for a visit, just holler.....in ny we say "hey, Yo".....lol

as always
(((((tribe)))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:56 PM, August 7th (Friday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First time visiting this thread:) My husband had a long term PA for at least 2.5 years...he conveniently can't remember when it began exactly. We are in R and MC, we have gone the route of MC before but the c didn't work for us...and at the time my husband was having an EA which to this day he has never owned up to...they were just friends...blah blah blah. The marriage counselor is being very careful about talking about the affair...one reason because he didn't stay in counseling last time and I think she is trying to connect with him so he will stay in MC. In the last couple of weeks he seems more open to R than at first I kept getting how could I ever forgive him, what's the point. He has maintained NC and said if she tries to contact him he will not answer his phone and he will tell me. His birthday is coming up and I almost want her to break the nc so I can send a nasty note! Any advice would be much appreciated, I am taking one minute at a time...Thanks for listening to my ramble.


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ejs5)))))

welcome to our little corner of s.i......and very sorry you are here

if you have not already done so go to the healing library.....

its pretty quiet in here on the weekends....i only popped in for min...having company....

i will try to check in again later......

please know that you are not alone, there are quite a few of us with ws's that had lta's.....

i believe we are a unique bunch.....but the devastation is not unique to any of us on s.i......we all suffer the hurt of the betrayal(s).....

ramble away, we all do....its very cathartic for me at least.....

and lack of memory he also one of my pet peeves that my wh claims too!!!!i know how fustrating it can be....

breathe
eat and
exercise

as always
(((((tribe)))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 12:21 PM, August 8th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
fairyfriend
♀ Member
Member # 11208
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EJS5,

You are not far out from DDay. My advice is to give yourself time. Don't make any hasty decisions about the marriage. It's OK to decide NOT to decide anything right now.

Don't be surprised if your H trickle-truths. Doing so is pretty common for WS. Remember to take care of yourself, and don't accept any blame for your H's poor choices no matter what he might say.

I'm sorry you are hurting.


DDay 1--Feb 99
Crappy IC, false R--spring 1999
A ended around April, 2003
DDay 2--September 26, 2004
DDay 3--September 26, 2005 when I found out the REST of the truth
8/8/09--Doing very well due to hard work on my and H's part

Posts: 1607 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: far north Chicago suburbs
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks this past two weeks we have been in a pretty good place. I have told him that if he goes the route of leaving I contact people who are important to him about the affair to put pressure on him. We did come to an agreement on not having contact with friends of the affair in our last counseling session without me being present.
I just take one day at a time, we seem to be doing better than we have in a long time and he continues to agree to the counseling. He did agree to tell me the details of the affair, about what kind of sex etc...but I am still not sure I even want to know. We have been doing almost daily hb so that has been good for my ego and has made us more playful towards each other. I'm trying hard to do my best for the kids and we have really been working hard at being/doing fun with the kids something that didn't happen much during the time of the affair so pretty much the last 2.5 years, so pretty much our younger daughters entire life, there has been tension and ugliness of fighting and arguing...I suspected an affair for at least a 1.5 years but was in a fog myself about him ever doing something like that to me! Stupid I know and it will never happen again that is for sure!


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks this past two weeks we have been in a pretty good place. I have told him that if he goes the route of leaving I contact people who are important to him about the affair to put pressure on him. We did come to an agreement on not having contact with friends of the affair in our last counseling session without me being present.
I just take one day at a time, we seem to be doing better than we have in a long time and he continues to agree to the counseling. He did agree to tell me the details of the affair, about what kind of sex etc...but I am still not sure I even want to know. We have been doing almost daily hb so that has been good for my ego and has made us more playful towards each other. I'm trying hard to do my best for the kids and we have really been working hard at being/doing fun with the kids something that didn't happen much during the time of the affair so pretty much the last 2.5 years, so pretty much our younger daughters entire life, there has been tension and ugliness of fighting and arguing...I suspected an affair for at least a 1.5 years but was in a fog myself about him ever doing something like that to me! Stupid I know and it will never happen again that is for sure!


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to say I have been posting since about a week after he announced the affair I have just recently wandered out of the Just Found out forum...thanks for the kind welcome:)


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way to go, leapyearbaby!
It took me such a long time to get to this point (and I have to still work at it). I recently told my IC how well H had been treating me and commented that maybe he was scared from the last fallout. She said that she thought that in fact he was treating me well because he has realised that I will not accept any less, that I do not give in to his moods and threats.

lh2: very belated comment from late July...grandkids age 8 and 11, came to visit..busy...busy...and waaaay tired. Must remember to give grandma a day of recovery between activities at next visit.
In order to not cause grandkids problems over scheduled visit, I moved back into house (and bed) while they were here. Ironic, we get along swimmingly as long as someone else is around and the "issues" are not being discussed..very easy to fall back into that pattern of "before".
I never had any problems knowing what I wanted from him...just can't seem to convince him that I am serious, will not settle for less and he cannot control the terms of any reconciliation. He doesn't threaten...he is a smoozer and thinks he can talk me into giving up and doing it his way....Not gonna happen.
Day before we picked up kids @ airport had a huge blow-up...he is so angry @ himself, but can't quite deal with it appropriately, so he gets angry at me. After that, called truce for kids visit, but scheduled for tomorrow one last (for me, at least) discussion to see if this is going anywhere. I think it is still an attempt to coax me into doing it his way....
Still planning on filing in September....have little hope he will submit to my requirements.


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i never considered my wh and myself in reconcilliation. he never stopped lying, still doesn't know how to own his shit, still blameshifts, still denies....and when i know there is stillmore he has to come clean about...but i reached my point...if he didn't do it by a certain point i knew he just wouldn't....and the fact that he didn't love me enough in the first place added further insult to injury....my d-day may have only been 7 months ago, but i have been waiting for over 22 years for the man to step up and love me enough, i heard for over 22 yeras how he was changing....well i think i've waited long enough, if this latest discovery of just how much he didn't love me enough, was not enough of a catylist, well then it will never be...so i decided, i took the ball out of his court and decided once and for all that i was done...

iwantamiracle...
Although I did not have the 22 years of waiting as you describe, your comment about him not loving you enough to do what you needed really hit home. I have felt from the first that his first priority was to protect his ego, his perceived image of himself was and still in more important than doing what I needed from him to feel safe. He has been at best, half-hearted, foot-dragging, relucant, even grudging.
And I don't mean the cheating part...I am as sure as I can be that that part stopped, he is nc. I have all his passwords and cell phone records and I am far more technically adept than he is. If he is still communicating, he is being VERY good at it and should look into spywork.
But the requirements I have set for reconciliation...he thinks it is a pick and choose list....well, I don't want to that, so how 'bout if I do this and this? No....this isn't a menu with substitutions allowed.....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i want to SCREAM at this moment, i am so angry that he did this to us.....o.k. i feel a little bit better, venting is always therapeutic......

on a great note, my middle son has apologized and spoken to one of the kids who disrespected me yesterday....long story not worth posting the whole thing...so anyway...YAY for ds....he sounded so grown up, the way he handled his friend and even this a.m. on his end of convo with his dad, his responses were grown up instead of what they were yesterday, which was a spoiled rotten brat....

I have NO idea how you guys with kids handle this. Mine are grown, gone and married themselves. They know we are separated, but I have not shared any of the painful story. Part of it is I simply wouldn't be able to keep my composure long enough and 2ndly, I will not put them in the middle by telling them what he has done. I think they have a clue, but have not directly asked me and to their indirect questioning, I simply respond with something vague.
hang in there with the daughter....our youngest was hell on wheels for most of her teen years, but did finally grow out of it. Both our girls married people with kids and my wh always joked that he knew about the mother's curse "may you grow up to have kids just like you", but didn't know there was also a stepparents curse "may you grow up to marry someone with kids like you." Our youngest D is now getting a taste of her own medicine....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn’t want to look too deeply either, and frankly, I don’t blame him for that. I mean, given the choice, who would when what you’ve done is so despicable? He says he is the man I m’d. Guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that one. And anyway, I don’t want to be with the man that he was. The man he is now is slightly crushed around the edges and not one I really recognise. He seems to be totally lacking in self esteem, but that isn’t my problem. He seems to think it can all be put right with me agreeing to be his “wife” again and finding it within myself to forgive him, but that would mean being taken for granted and doing all the stuff he can perfectly well do for himself – and I won’t do that.

UKgirl:
that's what I really like about this site...so many of us have been in the same place and have the same thoughts.
That's where my wh is....doesn't want to look at what he did and like you, I kind of understand it....here in the states during the Clinton impeachment, James Carville made the comment about Clinton lying about the affair, that "if he had something that stupid, he'd lie about it, too." At the time, I simply thought it was amusing, now I really see that that is what many wh's do....
I recommend a book that is listed in the library. "The Power To Forgive, the Right not To", by Janis Spring (think I got the name right, if not, close) It really helped with the forgiveness/acceptance issue. I recognise that I probably will end up with acceptance, at best...


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
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