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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome Sereneaspiration...

first welcome to si and welcome to the lts forum, i believe since you have done the 180 you have been to the healing library, and that is good, if not, please do...

second: in this forum we are all bs's, questions for the ws's needs to be posted in the forum under i can relate, questions for ws from the bs....so answering your questions from a ws perspective can only be done there, answering your questions about the ws from a bs perspective of a lta is definitely done here all the time...so that we can do....

from what you describe you have truly what seems like a really good start to successful reconcilliation....your husband has been totally honest ( the biggest key)!!!! from your post he works this this woman, when at work is there contact, is it minimal and business only....has he given her a no-contact letter...?

and if i may ask how did you find out about his affair?

from you post it sound as though your husband was in love with both of you at the same time, it sounds as though he still loves this woman, since he is not outright saying so, he seems to skirt the issue....i believe from what you[ve said 2 things:
1. he doesn't want to love her
2. he loves you much more
and i also believe he doesn't want to tell you he stil loves her proabably because it would hurt you....

his remorse sounds true, he is owning his shit from what you have wrote and he is continuouslt answering any and all questions you may have with patience, love and honesty...this is very cool and very refreshing....

are you both in counseling, you should both be in mc as well as ic....

and the only other thing i can add is that time is what you probably need, if you both continue on this path it should work out...

please also remember that there are some who no matter what their ws does still cannot get past the affair(s)....that is something only you can determine...and you would still need to give it time to make that determination....

btw, you can post in any forum of your choosing, many of us do, there are so many facets to healing and sometimes posting in general when you want responses from all of si population is what you do, sometimes in rconcilliation, even if reconcilliation is not on the spectrum....you post when the subject is one you can relate to or need to comment on, i personnally have posted in jfo, general, icr...lta, icr...multiple affairs, divorce and separation, reconiclliation, fun and games, off topic and the ws forums...and all at any given time....so feel free to post whereever you need...the only place off limits to the bs ould be the ws forum, uner a thread with a stop sign....so post away whereever you need to....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

8yearsflushed welcoms to si and welcome to the lta forum, if you have not already done so please go to the healing library...

first you both need to be in mc and especially ic....your husband from what you wrote seems to be suffereing from his own version of ptsd....after 9/11 alot of first responders and then our military have had many issues, most of these issues stem from the horrors that they have either witnessed or endured...my bil was a first responder, a couple of years prior to 9/11 he started to experience a family crisis, not a huge one but a crisis nonetheless, he also has foo issues...now comes 9/11...and every issue he ha,s has magnified beyond reason, the way he has chosen to deal with his issues is also beyond reason....and now his wife and children suffer through his inability to deal with his life, he has had multiple ea's and if there are pa's, they are unknown at this time.....

there is also a forum under icr for spouses of military personnel, they may be very helpful for you, since these men and women experience things quite differently from civilians, its also i think a good place for spouses of law enforecement...again very unique circumstances come with that territory, thts the territory of my bil....

as for your question of can people really change....

of course they can, people do change all the time, change can happen due to circumstance beyond your control, so one must change to adapt to their new reality, and that is all of us....that is normal change that every human being goes through, whether its from your spouse cheating on you, to having a baby to starting a new school....the other kind of changes is when one sees a behavior and decides for themselves, and that is key....one cannot change their behavior unless one wants to....and wanting is not enough, work must go along with the desire to change...for instance this one is abiggie here at si for most of us...the lying...if the person who is doing the lying wants to change tht, they must activelyparticipate in behavior change exercises....like stop and think before ansering a question, or after outright lying, go to the person you lied to and own it...etc....

post here and everywhere you need as often as you need, i have always found posting to be quite cathartic


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: thanks for the pix...i wasn ot close enough to see the grey one to determine if your pix match....but from what i did see, he didn't look those, he looked like a cross between the two....but i have the over 40 eyes that just don't see the way they used too...and my camera phone couldn't capture him close enough, even with the zoom feature and a magnifying glass.....lol


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
8yearsflushed
♀ Member
Member # 25401
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for you insight and words of encouragement.

Tryn - I appreciate the serenity prayer. It is good hear that your anger is gone now - almost a year later. It is hard to imagine it at this point so soon aftre Dday. I also recognize the importance of taking care of myself and have followed the advice in many of the past posts I have read through. I immdiately started IC, went to the Doc for an STD/HIV testing, and started Welbutrin. Lucky for me I am all ready an exercise junkie and into nutrition. I worry now about losing too much weight at this point - 10 lbs. since Dday. I will have to watch that. I haven't wanted to eat meat at all since Dday. Wierd, huh? I think it was because I felt dirty and I just wanted fresh foods. Who knows?

Borrow - you are absolutely right about your statement that unless he realizes he was his downfall he is not worth reconciling with. I asked him to expain this tonight (it is night in my timezone now). He corrected me and said that he didn't mean that she caused his downfall, only that he associate her with his downfall and all the bad parts of him. He said that he is the only one responsible for his poor judgement, selfishness, and betryal. He says he can only blame himself and nobody else.

Iwantamiracle- thanks for the tip on the military forum. I will have to check it out. Sadly, I know so many military families affected by infidelity. I guess I just thought it would be different with our marriage. I suspect many of us here thought the same thing though, huh? I also realize that you are right, people can change. I just think about how much I, myself, have changed over the years and even over the past 4 weeks.

My H and I did start both MC and IC. We ordered several books on infidelity and are currently working together through the book "Getting Past the Affair". We have read a few of the chapters and worked through the exercises individualy and discussed them afterwards. He has also gave me passwords to is email and cellphone. He says the lies are over now. He seems to want to do anything he can right now to work toward reconciliation. I am grateful that he has been consistent in his actions and words since Dday. However, there is certainly a part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop again. I have built a huge wall around me and I am having trouble letting him in most of the time. I suspect that is normal though.


BS-Me 42
WH-Him 41
2 kids - 10 and 12
OW -engaged during whole affair
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
LTA - almost 8 years
DDay - 8/6/09

Posts: 74 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Sereneaspiration.. I can only tell you what my wife told me....

Did you love your spouse even though you had a long term affair and had "loving" feeling for the OW/OM?
She says she always loved me during the A... very conflicted. She thought I didn't lover her!

Did Dday jolt you into realizing how much you loved your spouse?
I think she was in full mode panic! She thought it was the end... She says she never dreamed I loved her this much to try and R and that this proved it.

Did you immediately or shortly thereafter stop the affair?
She says she loves me always and always did throughout the A... She says she was living two lives...

How long did it take to get over the OW/OM?
That I cannot answer. In Decemeber I told her that if she still love him I want a D... that statement I beleive will cause her to not ever tell me that....

I'll tell you this... sexually she last told me she didn't love me in that way and it was lost... This could be our undoing... I'm working hard on myself.. I want to be attractive.. but if I cannot, It is what it is...

How could he have loved me and displayed affection for me while at the same time missing and longing for her?
Some people can have this ability.... It was not what I call "true" love for anyone... It is just romantic part of the love. That is when chemicals in your brain force you to have certain feelings... stuff just happens physically. That chemical stuff usually goes away after some time.. it becomes a bit different. True love is being there everyday after years and years... So I think LTA a person gets stuck... I was the part of love that was the long term good part... OM was the romantic part, and he shared that with me too... as well I shared some of the other part too because my wife took care of his books, business.. etc.. It really is a f'd up person.

Are you over the Op?
we have not talked about this but she would say yes... she is over him... I think she really is based on things she has written to me...

Do you think you really loved them?
my wife says yes


Did the excitement of having someone other than your spouse blind you to your true feelings for your spouse?
My wife tell me she "lost sight" so I take that to mean yes...

I think you guys still have alotta work to do... It takes so much time too.. I can tell you I am much more at peace then my wife after a year now... she still has a hard time talking about it without anger, defense, hurt.. But, I just can. I think it has alot to do with posting, prayer, IC, talking to friend... And Retrouvaille.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:21 AM, September 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe:

Please send your thoughts and prayers to one of our long-time memebers FNF (forgivenotforget for the newbies). I heard from her this morning that her sister passed away. She is devastated. She has always been there for all of us to hold us up. I think she would really appreciate support right now.

((((((((((((FNF)))))))))))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sereneaspiration
♀ Member
Member # 25296
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Iwantamiracle and Trynhard....yes, we do have a long way to go. He can't completely have NC because he's her supervisor but it doesn't require a lot of interaction. My H is going for a job interview next Friday though, if he doesn't get it, he's got other applications in elsewhere.

He called her on the phone "no contact and no friendship" the same day he told me about the affair.

Again, I had no proof of this one, only suspicions that wouldn't go away. He told me because he couldn't stand seeing me in pain anymore and didn't want to lie any longer.


Me (BW)-42 yo,EWH - 42yo,DD - 14
DS - 18yo
Married 3/15/92
Ddays: 12/26/1995, October 2008 (EA and sexually explicit emails),4/10/2009 (ONS A), 8/31/2009 (5 year A w/coworker), 10/5/2009 WH broke NC
C Separation
Reconciliation

Posts: 263 | Registered: Aug 2009
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please send your thoughts and prayers to one of our long-time memebers FNF (forgivenotforget for the newbies). I heard from her this morning that her sister passed away. She is devastated. She has always been there for all of us to hold us up. I think she would really appreciate support right now.


((((((((((FNF))))))))))))
So, so sorry, FNF.

Oldies and newbies alike...We all have been through so much here in LTA that news of such a loss for you is just heartbreaking.

My thoughts and prayers and deeply heartfelt hugs for strength and comfort are with you.

(((((((FNF))))))))

Numb and Scared


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((FNF)))))

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister.

Sending you hugs and prayers and heartfelt sympathy.

NMS


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sereneaspiration
He can't completely have NC because he's her supervisor
Wow.. Just be aware he could get fired for sexual harassment... This is termination area... even worse is a lawsuit. He is just f'd himself in a big way. If he stays, any little decision against what she wants.. If word gets out you don't think he played favorites to her? oh boy. My boundary was to quit. My wife wanted to stay for a transition... I said, that is your choice, but that choice will mean D for me. I was not going to sit around and think about them while I'm at home or away on business... that is just me. I wanted my wife to file a lawsuit against her boss. I asked her... was she stuck? Did she once think if she ever tried to stop the A, what would happen with her job? she said she would leave.... OK... that's it. You think OM wife would want my wife working there? humm fired city was coming. Ultimately, a lawsuit would have prolonged hurt... I am so hurting for you...

8yearsflushed - hang in there... Please try and eat healthy... Prayer does help... find something positive out of this mess.. It is going to take much work on you to get you through this... Mind control, forgiveness, allowing yourself to grieve... Deciding to love him or not... and so much more... many people on SI will help you I know...

forgivenotforget... my prayers are with you...

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:37 PM, September 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((FNF)))))

i am so sorry for your loss, we are here for you anytime you need....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

leapyearbaby:

si g2g

s.i. get together


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
exhausted
♀ Member
Member # 412
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF,

My thoughts are with you and your family at this time. I lost a sister to cancer (way too young at 44yrs - and three children) and know too well your heartache.

It was evident from your posts how very close you were to her. My heart aches for you and all of your family.

xo,

exhausted



Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2002
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF

YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS.


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
hurt789
♀ Member
Member # 20937
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All.
I had a general questions that I wanted some feed back on from other LTA BS's.

How long did it take for you to start believing your WS? I am talking about answers to questions you had about the A. Since the double lives they led were for so long, I wonder if they know how to tell the truth, the full truth. Did years ever go by after D-Day and you wonder if he/she was truthful about this question or that question you asked time and time again? Did you ever feel that the whole truth was not told to spare your feelings?
We talk all the time but its been over a year now and I can't trust that I am getting the whole truth,I feel its still half truths as usual.
(our talks and questions at this point in time are not the when's and where's but the how did you feel, why act like this way in a particular situation, the things he says he lied to her about...ect)
Any insight on what you had gone through on this or how you dealt with this, if anyone has, would be greatly appriciated


BS 40
WS 43
MARRIED 20
TOGATHER 22
1 PERFECT DAUGHTER
DDAY7/13/08
LTA - ALWAYS


Posts: 240 | Registered: Sep 2008
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF,

Tried to send you a PM, but you are at your limit. I'm sure that is true in more ways than one.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF,
Arms are here when you need them.((((FNF)))))


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, September 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt789... one year out next week.

How long did it take for you to start believing your WS?
Not there yet

Did years ever go by after D-Day and you wonder if he/she was truthful about this question or that question you asked time and time again?
I know I have accepted the fact that she was not truthful about questions. It OK to me that she cannot tell me...

Did you ever feel that the whole truth was not told to spare your feelings?
That is it... I know she thinks I will be hurt.. Heck, I will be hurt. I have told myself over and over... it just does not matter at this point... I try and see what she does today.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone! I’ve been gone a few days, good to be back

8yearsflushed and Sereneaspiration: Welcome!

Leapyearbaby: Thank you for filling me in. I can imagine after the years you’ve spent together and the close lifestyle that it is hard to cut the thread. I hope that he is starting to get it and is starting to own his own sh*t. Even if you ultimately decide not to be with him, it will help you get through this crummy process. My FWH was also a smoozer. He knew exactly what to do/say to keep me hanging on all of these years. I bought it hook, line and sinker – until D-day. I didn’t realize it at the time but I immediately started 180. When I look back, I can see that his smoozing was just one more layer of the onion that we had to peel away. Everytime he tried to smooze me, I showed him the door. Sounds like you’re doing the same. I hope your H gets "peeled"

((((FNF)))) I am so sorry

hurt789: I am just now starting to believe my FWH while still being aware that the other shoe can drop at any time. The main reason I’m starting to believe him is because he is sharing so much of the rest of his life with me. His feelings about things going on at work, with his family, thoughts about how much he’s wasted his life and missed out on everything because of his “fantasy image” and crazy constructs. I do think, however, that there is a good possibility that as we connect more and he finally fully realizes how there can be absolutely no lies or half truths between us, that there might be “more truth to come”. On the other hand, if there is more, he could also decide to take to the grave…I hope by then I don't care anymore.


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((FnF)))))))))

My dear sweet friend,
I am so so sorry. I know how much your sister meant to you. I can only imagine how much you will miss her. She fought a good fight, and I am sure she treasured every moment you stood next to her.
Big hugs to you and your family.


LH


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
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