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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwam:
So this si g2g is a local face to face support group? Wish there was something like that where I am...I live in a VERY rural community...they can barely support AA...Guess I'll keep using this forum...it has been such a help...

Molly Brown:
It's clear to me that he is finally trying to do some work, but I can't figure out if he is really working on himself or just working on being a better smoozer... I still get caught out, wanting to believe him, indulging in what I call wishful thinking. Remember the scene in the Blues Bros when Carrie Fisher finally catches up with John Belushi in the tunnel at the concert in Chicago? We finally figure out it is she that has been trying to kill him because he stood her up at the alter. He bats his eyes and starts making all sorts of apologies and when she melts and starts to forgive him, he shoves her aside and says to Dan Ackroyd, "ok, let's go."
That is exactly what I feel like sometimes. He'll do something I want...start talking addressing issues and I think, well, maybe...then bam!!! nothing for days or he blows up @ me for something very minor. And at this point I just don't feel like he has any right to be angry @ me for anything. I don't call him names or abuse him, but I still have periods of venting and rage. But sometimes it can be the smallest thing....
And maybe I just don't trust my own judgement...do I see the work he is doing with a jaundiced eye? Or is it all an illusion? I just don't know...
I don't remember which thread I posted this one, so stop me if you've heard this, but I found a book (actually my H gave it to, which was a surprise all in itself), but it is called "Too Good to Leave, too Bad to Stay". And boy, for me it was a real eye-opener. So I am rethinking some things. But...(isn't there always one?) the book leaves no room for a situation improving, for either spouse to see where problems lie and work on fixing it. This book doesn't directly address infidelity, just problem marriages, but it does talk about it.


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 6th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurt789:

How long did it take for you to start believing your WS? I am talking about answers to questions you had about the A. Since the double lives they led were for so long, I wonder if they know how to tell the truth, the full truth.

After 15 months, still don't...too much tap-dancing on his part, too much anger at me for holding up that mirror to him to see what he has done, too little truth. I can't even call it trickle, because it's more of a drip, drip, drip.
We have gotten so caught up in his response to his own behavior that the actual behavior has taken a back seat. In recent months he does seem to be working on modifying his behavior, but we still have not really gotten back to the original sin, so to speak....and I am afraid that I can't trust that change.


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have caught up on the last however many pages. And firstly want to be with everyone in supporting FNF in her grief. I know she was and is very close to her sister and this loss will be so hard for her to bear. I had heard (thanks shirley) and managed to send a message. Many hugs, my friend. ((((((((FNF))))))))

And a belated welcome to the newbies. I'm afraid I'm one of those who has a remorseful FWH, but one who doesn't really want to examine himself or his past or our marriage. He has "dealt" with it and assures me it was his one error of judgment. Basically, he's a liar and that's why I'm still hanging around.

And after that, my pathetic problems I have seem just that – pathetic. I am so hacked off at FWH and mostly for nothing. Other than the affair, of course. And that business that hurt789 is wondering about – believing the FWS. I have never got the truth. H has never been to IC – he saw our MC a few times on a one to one basis, but it didn’t really do much. He prefers to believe the rewritten, repainted, re-enacted screen play he has thrown up in place of the reality. I wish I could drag him back to those times and places for him to witness just how it was. To drag him back to the time when I reckon he had a fling in 1992/93 and confront him with the adoring graduate employee, back to 1999 and the school reunion when he hooked up with old GF #1. And then say “stop fucking lying to me, you POS”

I reckon 6yrs. He gave me 6yrs in the marriage. Well, that was better than nothing, I guess. But MOW was that burning ember, glowing inside him. When he found her, it erupted into a fireball.

I’ve thought of all the questions I could still put to him, but think what’s the point in having the “truth” now? There isn’t. And if he does give me those answers, I won’t want to be with him and he knows that! Aaarrghhh!

I know this is going waaay back to Molly’s post over a week ago on page 43

My WH says that the reason his A lasted so long was because he presented something to OW (an image/promise/lie) and he had to be accountable to that. If he wasn’t, it would mean that what he had presented wasn’t true and he didn’t want to admit that. But at the same time, he says that he knew it was a lie all along and he just thought of it as a game.
I had that. It was the mirroring, I suppose, with both of them reflecting and holding up what they wanted to see and be. MOW wanted WH to be the returning long lost love, he wanted her to be his life long love and they had to continue the game to the point of marriage proposal because (H says) it was what she wanted to hear. He told her whatever he thought she wanted to hear. She did the same. The only difference being that she was prepared to jump and when it came to facing reality, H wasn’t. He believed it all while he was with her, but not when he was back in the real world. Or so he says. Because he could be using the same technique with me – telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

I think I may need to get back into therapy or MC or something. Currently H is working away and we’re not speaking other than to talk about essentials. He’s back waiting in the wings. I half wish he would reengage contact with MOW so I could throw him out.

Okay. I'm back off to my crazy corner now.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey MollyBrown... I bought that book by Nancy Friday, Men In Love...

I could have bought a penthouse and read the same stories.. LOL...

Some those guys are really messed up... Kinda made me feel pretty good. I never had homo or liked the urinating stuff... lol.. I could not help but chuckle on some of those fantasies... They have some wacked out people out there.

Feeling more normal everyday after such a shock last year... DDAY week for me.. from my writings last year.. I have not read this since about December. I used to cry everytime I read it... now.. I can't cry reading this... this was nothing compared to what followed.

Day 1 - 9/9/08
The letter… From a “Christian.”

My stomach sunk with flash thoughts of two years ago. Back then, my wife looked me squarely in the eyes with the strongest words, “I am not having an affair with OM, he is just my boss.” Now, the words and hands shaking, W said, “what do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do” those words will always haunt me. So I say, “This has some history.” And I get the wrong response from W, “so are you going to leave me?” The lie continues as I give her a hug… a vindictive person sent this.

That night we made very passionate love as I told her I trusted her… The night left my mind thinking and wanting… she did not… And was not having affair, but in the back of my mind questions. It was left like times before.

09/10/08
That morning I’m scheduled for out of town business travel, W says in a very soft tone, “do you have to go?” It was an unusual response and my senses heightened. So I follow my gut this time.

Shortly thereafter, I get a call from OMW, who got a similar letter two weeks earlier. OMW evidence is not solid or she didn’t want to say only to say she is seeing a marriage counselor. OMW said I was in denial. We compared notes and the person to call. It was a horrible thing to listen too. Tears trickled from my eyes as it had been years and years since the last time I cried.

Friend M happens to be driving by my house when he gets my desperate voicemail. I’m in shock. His recommendation is before I do anything, go see this counselor… IC.

The shock was none I’d felt before. Something I now understand, but could never without the experience. It seems like it took forever for 4 P.M. to come. I call W twice to see what she was doing with that letter. During the second conversation, although I cannot remember the words, W did give me a confession. Without preparation, I screamed to the top of my lungs… Yes, it was over, after 23 years my marriage is done.

The counselor… These words stuck to me. “It is not your fault ME. Many people in your situation have stronger marriages after this.” The advice of what to do and not to do was valuable. I know I was about to do everything wrong.

9//11/08
My mind was racing all day. I sent a text saying, “if you are moving on, let me know now.” She says, “How can you ever look at me again for what I have done? I want to try again”. For whatever reason, I responded with, “you must do the right things”… She says, “I know.”

Later that morning I went to the house before she left for work, I received the most heart felt apology with regret, sorry, and guilt that has haunted her for years. She says for years, looking for ways to tell me, but not wanting me to be hurt, wanting me to slip, to fight, bottled up feeling I never knew.

W closes her eyes and whispers how stupid and greedy she has been.

09/12/08
I could tell she didn’t want to cut work ties all at once. By my mind, she had some stupid feelings about ending the “right way.” My mind was made up. If it didn’t happen by today, I was packing my stuff and moving to Friend’s Condo. She quit her job, abruptly, with no promise that I would stay. The affair was a well kept secret but word was now out to her co-workers. Embarrassment, uneasiness around neighbors and friends who maybe they knew, maybe not. Nobody can possibly believe this happened as we appeared to be a happy couple. I was satisfied with life and W was always the only person that stands above all others, but obviously something was missing.


[This message edited by trynhard at 4:25 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((tryn))))

i wish you a peaceful week tryn....try and remember how far you've come....a year is long time and its also a blink of an eye....perspective is everything...always was and always will be....


((((ukgirl)))) i am so sorry to see you even more conflicted, i was hoping that your time away was a good sign of peace for you...yes i think you should go back to ic....it will probably do you good to have that one on one...

leapyarbaby...there are alot of g2g's, they are always posted in f & g..you'd be surprised at the locations...we had to travel about 2 hours to get there, and it was worth it...having in person feedback, meeting people in the same boat...having faces to go with the names....i would gladly go to another...


hurt879...i am not in the position to answer any of your questions...my wh is still a liar, and someone who doesn't know how to own his shit...there are others who post here sporadically who have reconcilled happily and maybe when they check in, you might get some insight if not answers....


i've noticed that we bs's at the very least can hope to gain insight if not answers to each of our sich's.....and hopefully that insight will and can lead us to acceptance...not acceptance of the ws, but acceptance of what our new reality is...acceptance of this is what is and what was, it cannot be changed, it will not go away. it will not change....we may add some more details, we may even come to understand some of it, some of the lucky ones will understand the why....some of the lucky ones will know the full truth....but acceptance is there for all of us regardless of what we do and don't know....the exact words of the serenity prayer escape me, but the meaning is there...acceptance is really hard work...and it is work, not just a word, not something that can only be achieved with a ws doing their part...but something we can work to give ourselves....and this acceptance is a true gift....i am now reading a new book about forgiveness...and that you don't have to forgive but merely (understatement of a word) accept.....mind you i have only gotten to the first chapter...but its pretty clear so far that forgiveness isn't always necessary to move and heal but acceptance is...

there are quite a few quotes that i will be posting here, but not right now....but some of these quotes were so helpful already just to read them...and yes quite another to implement them, and hopefully when i get further inot the book i will be shown a few more tools on just how to implement them....

as always

(((((tribe))))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 8:41 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
chicstyler
♀ Member
Member # 25111
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY wh is like yours(iwantamiracle)He refuses to look at himself in the mirror , he still lies,and won't admit to being in love with X-W. Keeping your X-W in your life behind your real wifes back for 21 years ,to me tells it all.WH knew I did not want her in our life or marriage , but he did. Even when I went through a year from Hell between my breast cancer and my Mom starting her many visits to the hospital, WH never gave X-W up. I would say that is true love. Did I tell you why they got divorced? X-W lied and cheated on H. X-W had affair and abortion with 15yr.old boy (X-W should have been thrown in jail for rape, corrupting a minor ,etc.)They were married less than 2 yrs. WH has an ego problem. there were 2 OW's before X-W. WH seems to like needy single (except X-W) women.They all needed WH to help them with all kinds of personal problems.I guess I wasn"t feeding WH's ego enough.It all started after our oldest daughter was born. I'm seeing a lawyer next week. I can't take living like this. I am not happy, my nerves are shot and I'm in constant pain from stress. I don't want to get cancer back again, WH is not worth that!!! The reason I stayed this long was because my WH has ALS. But he has not even tried to show remorse or sorrow for what he did. I hope to gain strength from SI.Everyone here so far has been so kind and caring .Thank you all so much. And I will continue to need your kindness and caring. {Chic}


BS(me)52
WH 60 ,EA with lying, cheating X-W
married 30yrs, betrayal #1 1983, #2 1986 & #3 1988(21 yrs)X-W
2 daughters(26 & 24)

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: PA living with spouse
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

chic: im sorry to be so blunt...but howlong does he have with the als....it may not be worth persuing a divorce depending on what he has left...and financially you might be better off as a widow instead of an ex-wife....

then comes your kids...how will they crucify you for divorcing their dying dad....remember they are grieving him, even though he not lost yet, and grife does alot of not nice things to people....

again i am sorry if i am too blunt....just want you to take a reality check...and please until you decide do not say anything to your kids....

put yourself in the positin of 20/20 hindset using what would you regret more....

(((((chic)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn, wishing you a peaceful week and knowledge that your FWW was and is utterly devoted to doing her damnest to do anything and everything for the marriage. Right from when the word was out, she was prepared to discard the A and OM without a second thought. You got very good advice from your friend when the maelstrom hit and your world was a sea of intolerable pain, confusion and desperate uncertainty. And the progress you have both made is an example of how to turn things around and find the path to healing and reconciliation. (((((Tryn)))))

and hopefully that insight will and can lead us to acceptance...not acceptance of the ws, but acceptance of what our new reality is...acceptance of this is what is and what was, it cannot be changed, it will not go away. it will not change...
I accepted what happened a long time ago. It was his history and now it is mine too. I find it very hard to accept who he was at that time and bring that into the now to accept this flaw as part of him and his character. To accept he was prepared to conduct such a betrayal and to be happy doing it. More than that, to accept that there were times when he was wondering how to get out of his marriage cleanly and without pain. Accept that he harboured contempt for me and his family life but see that was a coping mechanism and not what he felt on a deeper level. And the rest. Which means accepting the pain too, recognising and accepting.

Chic, having read your profile and a few of your postings and I don’t think you owe this man anything. I think you have probably examined yourself and looked at all the scenarios and come to your conclusion. Go with what you want and what you feel is right. If he is not beside you in the marriage, maybe you are best off without him. You have your own health to look after. Just my take. (((((chic)))))

And I’m sorry for my post yesterday. I wish I could pull myself up by my bootstraps and get past this, but right now I’m on the floor. And I’m pissed off at myself b/c I should be counting my blessings instead of concentrating on the negatives. And I have a lot to be thankful for. That’s what I will be focusing on today.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl:

And I’m sorry for my post yesterday
.

you have nothing to apologize for...that is what this place is for...so you do what you have to do....post away....for me...i find it helps....

and acceptance is tough....i am having my own ambivalence towards this acceptance....but at the very least i feel that if i can come to terms with it, all of it, and there is a hell of alot of it...i can at last let go of the anger and go back to living...really living....anger is not a good thing to hold on to, for my state of mind of my state of health...and it most certainly won't help in my relationships with my kids, becasue its always under the surface....

anyaways i ramble again....post away ukgirl...

as always
((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Ukg
Whats going on with you? I thought you were in IC already.
What can we do to help?

***

((((Tryn))))

First antiversary is hard. Period.
I spent mine a little shellshocked wondering how I even made it through the year.
Treat yourself with extra tenderness and kindness this week. And I am hoping that your W does too.

****
Big hugs to all those who are going through a low period. To the lurkers, try posting, even just a short one. Just getting it out helps, KWIM?

And newbies,
I know it may not seem like it now, but it WILL get better. Just hold onto your faith in yourself. And if like me, you are running a little short on that, spend your time rather on building that. It may not save your M. It may not stop your WS from being a jerkface. But it will hold YOU in good stead for yourself. So that not only will your survive this, you will thrive thereafter too.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Well, I have to admit that I did skip over the 2 chapters you mentioned I do like the first of the book, though, and what the men have to say about their sexual feelings for women. I find the conflicts they experience interesting. I do remember when I went to buy the book, the salesperson said that it was very crude and I probably would regret reading it. I didn't see it that way at all but then I'm not very squeemish and tend to look at things a bit scientifically so I might have just looked beyond the gross parts to the message behind.

Leapyearbaby: I love the analogy of the Blues Bros scene, been there, experienced that!

Blowing up over the smallest thing sounds like a diversion technique to me. I’ve been pm’ing with someone from another forum because our H’s both have very similar traits, the main one being smoozing (I think it’s okay if I share some of our insights here as long as I don’t post the pm’s, but let me know if that’s out of line). We agree that they both were considered really good talkers and good with people but both had “scripts” that they followed when interacting. They used these scripts just to get the positive feedback they wanted. I personally think they see people as gumball machines, put the right words in and get the right feedback out. My opinion for my H, anyway, is that he just didn’t know any other way to interact with people. He didn’t share himself so his interactions weren’t sincere, so what else do you do? Just put up a false façade to interact with others and let the script run in order to get the feedback that tje façade was good. To him, the façade and feedback were EVERYTHING. I know that before D-day, and even until my H finally “got it”, whenever I was on to his “smoozing” act, or trying to get to the person underneath it, he would use diversion techniques like getting angry or complaining about me. It was like a defense mechanism to throw me off his trail. This continued until we were finally able to peel that layer of the onion and he could see what he was doing. I too, wondered for the longest time if his “improved behavior” was just an updated (chameleon) version of “the smoozing act” and for a long time, I think it was. It’s only very recently that I think that his behavior is real. Fingers crossed.

I think UKgirl might be dealing with a bit of the same thing:

It was the mirroring, I suppose, with both of them reflecting and holding up what they wanted to see and be. MOW wanted WH to be the returning long lost love, he wanted her to be his life long love and they had to continue the game to the point of marriage proposal because (H says) it was what she wanted to hear. He told her whatever he thought she wanted to hear. She did the same. The only difference being that she was prepared to jump and when it came to facing reality, H wasn’t. He believed it all while he was with her, but not when he was back in the real world. Or so he says. Because he could be using the same technique with me – telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

UKgirl, I hope you don't mind me sharing one of the ramblings I had after reading one of your posts, it kind of validates what you just wrote:

Thinking about ukgirl: I wonder if her H proposing to OW was just for effect so he could keep her hooked and giving him strokes (throwing wood on the fire so to speak). Sometimes they choose plainer woman as that makes them feel superior and in control. More fodder for the low self esteem. Going back to an old HS flame may not have anything to do with his feelings for her but more the image of himself at that time, that he’s “still got it” and she’s just been pining away waiting for him. An old flame would be easier to hook as a new woman would be an unknown and a challenge he would have to live up to. The feeling I get is that his poetry are not words from the heart or a reflection of his feelings. I think they are tools he uses to feed the fantasy, props if you will.

One of the things my H said was that he often said and did things just for the effect, not because it reflected how he felt. He saw it all as one big game so that he could get that "all important" feedback. The MOW in his A was also willing to jump at a moments notice when he knew he would never jump (I believe this mostly due to her 3 kids). But he also enjoyed the knowledge that she would leave everything to be with him, that was an ultimate ego stroke

I apologize if I'm just projecting my sitch onto others.


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in having one of those days where I am cranky but not pms'ing probably lack of sleep I don't get much anymore. Reading everyone's posts but need to head to bed without replying hugs and good thoughts to everyone.


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
chicstyler
♀ Member
Member # 25111
Sad  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Iwanta miracle) My WH was diagnosed with a life expectancy of 4-8 years. I would like to stick it out but he needs to do major work on himself. WH refuses to "own his own shit". I went to my IC today and i really needed her , not a good morning.I'm just getting worn out trying to make WH understand what and why he had EA for 21yrs.with X-W .There are some days where dying sounds really good to me. I'm just too chicken so far .I don't want to divorce WH , just separate, hoping WH gets with the program.Right now I don't like WH let alone feel love for him.I asked WH to read the WS facts. He turns it to what he wants it to say, just like everything else, its all about him.


BS(me)52
WH 60 ,EA with lying, cheating X-W
married 30yrs, betrayal #1 1983, #2 1986 & #3 1988(21 yrs)X-W
2 daughters(26 & 24)

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: PA living with spouse
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may not stop your WS from being a jerkface.
I think my FWH is always going to be a “jerkface”. When I'm mad, I'm gonna add that prefix name to go with my usual name for him of Fuckwit. So now he is Jerkface Fuckwit. Which actually has the same syllables and meter as his real name!

I was in IC, but stopped b/c I was just going over old ground and not really getting anywhere. I really do seem unable to move forward. I never realised that H looked to me to do everything and I wonder if his enjoyment of life is dependant upon me simply providing the home environment. I am sinking and he seems to be losing interest in everything too. It shouldn’t be like that, should it? All the tasks that need doing around this house seem huge and unmanageable. And I can’t see the point in doing it all just for me. Depressed? Maybe. I'll get over it.

Molly, a close friend of mine has said exactly the same thing. In fact she said he went for an ex-gf as it was guaranteed; skip the getting to know and making mistakes and go straight for the old formulae he knew would work. The proposals were easy because, again, it was running over old script. He says it’s what she wanted and so that’s why he did it – it was just part of the game. Although she didn’t think of it as a game, she thought it as her future. He said his biggest fear was her turning up on the doorstep or ringing me and for that reason he was continually putting off the day of reckoning. And the only way he could do that was to promise and offer her more, but only ever in the future; now was somehow never the right time for him to leave me and deliver himself to her. In one way, the knowledge that she was prepared to give up everything for him was a big ego trip but on the flip side he knew she was capable of spiteful and cruel acts of revenge which would be pointed at me and his family if he let her down. As it turned out, she was pretty easy to deal as far as I was concerned. Usually the case if you have the upper hand.

FWH said pretty much what your H said too. I was part of the image he wanted to portray to the outside world – successful businessman, flashy car, big house, nice kids, sahw&m (no need to work…), and a general all round nice guy. She, I guess, bought into that. What a great guy, doing the right thing by his family and being there for the kids, looking after his parents. And one day, when the kids are old enough, his wife can go and get a job and then he can be with me and then I can have the nice lifestyle. She didn’t see that it was a fantasy – she even had the gall to tell me they had “lived as man and wife for a week”. FOR A WEEK??? Since when has a sojourn for a few days a couple of times a year been known as a trial marriage??? La-la land.

(((ejs5))) Thanks for checking in. How's the counselling going?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle, MollyBrown, UK, Lost Heart2... Thanks for the post...

I started reflecting on this past year and thinking about it… so I called and made dinner reservations at romantic restaurant for Friday night.

It was the toughest year I have ever experienced. Cried everyday for 90 days straight, wanting to kill myself, kill OM, finding my wife balled in a corner in mental hurt, spending over $3000 in medical bills for her stomach ulcers, near or over $2000 IC and MC, insurance paid over $8000! my daughter telling my W she hated her, neighbors hearing us fight, me verbally abusing my wife (telling her I hated her, slut, paid whore by her boss, was that part of the job description, c***…), punched a hole in the wall, broke stuff, . Physically bruised my wife in anger and rage, let my job go and didn’t care if I was fired, cuss God, separated for 3 days, appointment with attorney made and cancelled, threatened divorce 3 times and meant it! This infidelity pops in my mind everyday several times a day. Likely more too but I cannot remember…

Lost 30 lbs, fixed my toe fungus, tanned pretty good this year, found I could write a poem, a love letter, got in touch with my feelings, read over 10 books on relationships and love, turned to God, confessed after 10 years, quit hiding behind my mask, found meaning in music, picked up photography, opened up my feelings to my wife and children, started paying attention to my wife, more compassionate toward others and gifting more to people in need, understand forgiveness…

Right now, I like my wife. My attitude is that I will give 100% to my wife… I will make myself happy again by sharing more work around the house and spending more quality time with her. I will trust her again. I will love her. I will be romantic toward her. I will try and listen more, understand her feelings and needs. I will not hide my feelings both good and bad. I will work every day to be kind to my wife. I am going to make sure she knows my needs. I am not going to keep a record of her wrongs. Yes I have my boundaries and she knows them. I’m going to allow God to reveal my path in life.

If she cheats again and doesn’t want make a choice to love me.. it is what it is. I know she still is unhappy and she just doesn’t have any physical attraction to me. So who the heck knows what will happen.

So life is going on… I so hope everyone here can find some peace too... I do think Retrouvaille has much to do with my looking at life a bit differently.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:47 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
chicstyler
♀ Member
Member # 25111
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(tryinhard) I applaud you for getting through a year.My WH and i did Retrovaille but I don't feel like it helped us. I wish life were easier, and that all problems were small and there were answers . (UKgirl) my WH went for his X-W . He was still in love with her and he felt he neede closure but it never closed ,it just kept going and going,all the while lying and cheating on me.Part of the attraction was probably the fact that they were married a short time and it was like they were never divorced. WH even told X-W that he loved her. I can't seem to get unstuck either . If someone could give me some ideas I'ld appreciate that.Im finding that the longer WH seems to be in fog the angrier I get. I'm so glad to have SI ,even though I wish there were no need for it


BS(me)52
WH 60 ,EA with lying, cheating X-W
married 30yrs, betrayal #1 1983, #2 1986 & #3 1988(21 yrs)X-W
2 daughters(26 & 24)

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: PA living with spouse
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

chicstyler... I am so sorry Retrovaille didn't work for you. It says they have an 80% success rate.
I can't seem to get unstuck either
Ok so tell yourself you are going to get unstuck! Fact is we cannot do a damn thing about what has happened... We all married greedy ego people. Have they changed after the A? if yes then that can make you happy... if no then you need to decide if you can be happy with that... if not make a change! do it and never look back.

We control our own happiness... I know I can say this and also know it is easier said then done...

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:36 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn: glad you got through it, its been an exhausting year for you....and from what you've posted you've been completely proactive in your recovery, and seem to have had alot of personal growth....

as for the rest of this wonderful tribe...i wish i had words of wisdom, i wish i could wave a magic wand, i wish i could erase all the pain...i have lots of wishes....may have to throw lots of money in the fountain in the mall....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first year is the worst and I hope you can continue in your reconciliation towards the relationship that is there buried under the rubble. It can be rebuilt with love, honesty, trust and communication. The affair has obviously taken it’s toll on you both and brought out parts of your character you didn’t know existed. This means you should be able to work on the opposite characteristics and you know what is required to make your marriage affair-proof in the future. The physical and emotional effects are only appreciated by those who go through this trauma – it seems others who have never been affected are surprised that it takes so long to “get over it” and they will certainly not realise that you never really “get over it”, but you can look at the scars and say “wow! It very nearly killed me, but I survived!” Peace. (((tryn)))

Chic, I can relate. It’s tough knowing they did the ILU’s. Kind of reduces its meaning. But remember that was in the other world and nothing to do with the here and now. Retrovaille has to have both parties committed, it’s no good one just going along for the sake of keeping the peace. One person cannot do all the work – it’s doomed to fail.

I have the in-laws up for a 4-day w/end, so it’ll be dipping in if I can. Then when they go, I have a day before my parents come up for the next 4days. They all want to see DS1,2&3 before they go to NZ. There is a fair chance that being 75, 79, 81 & 85 one of them will not be around to see their return. And today is my own private 9/11 when I didn’t even realise my world was crashing down. it’s the day, 11th Sept 2001 when WH first contacted MOW. My marriage collapsed that day.

That said, life goes on and i must get ready to go out for dinner. Have a good weekend everyone. (((Tribe)))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to drop by and say a big thank you to all the tribe.

I can only get on when dh isn't around. Since he is self employeed, he's around a lot. Thankfully, today, he's gone. I have a small studio for my crafts about 5 minutes from my house, but he's been following me there lately.

I am struggling so hard. He's changed, but I could care less. My story is almost identical with Chic's, I just don't have her guts (seeing an attorney).

I don't feel I can bring anything to the table, yet, I still sneak in here to get the little pearls of wisdom that help calm me.

I've been to IC a couple times, but it didn't seem to help. MC is out of the question, he has said several times in the last 5.5 years that he would make the appointment, but i'm still waiting.

I'm just going to implode one of these days b/c I don't have any peace, time to myself or an actual outlet to release the pressure.

One of the times he was with his ow/xw sexually was my birthday I've always hated my bday(mother was a drunk, father was dead and I was in the foster system) as no one ever remembered. DH was no exception all our years together. He surprised me last night with a trip to Disney (it is the happiest place on earth for me) for my dbay in less than a month. I know he wants to make up for everything, but it's a little late.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

A big hi to all the newbies so very sorry you're here. I hope you have a remorseful spouse and that you find peace.

GTMI


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

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