Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

going to make it:

question if i may: i noticed in your tag line that you were staying because the children do not know, and that they are all adults....if they are adults, living their own lives, why hide it, why stay in a marriage that does not make you happy? is it really for your kids, are they really fooled into believing that you and he are happy? r they still in college or something? i know i am prying...and if you choose mot to talk about it, i understand completely...

ukgirl: good luck with all those parents...enjoy your time with them...

to the rest of this wonderful tribe: i wish you all peace, peace in your hearts, peace in your spirit and peace in your mind....


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swinging in here to vent...okay so one of the so called issues between my husband and I and the reason he was seeking an ow was monetary issues...and feeling he had no control in the marriage...so I was looking at ow myspace page...I know I should avoid it...but guess what seems she isn't so hot with money either her phone has been turned off twice in the last couple of months...perhaps why she hasn't texted recently or tried to call him...but come on complain about me to her about how I'm wasting his money and throwing our life away by shopping(one of my issues is overspending buying collecting...I own this entirely although I tended to shop more after noticing his texting was increasing etc) yet our phone hasn't been turned off in years I may pay late and get late fines but it hasn't ever been turned off...so wtf made her so attractive...she had money issues smoked etc...all things he proclaimed to dislike in women and he spent hours and hours of time with her.

Figured I better vent here...because he doesn't know she has a myspace account and I don't want him to know I know these things...although before she was blocked on his facebook I saw posts about her phone being off thats how I know it was twice in the last 3 months. So heres to hoping when it comes back on she won't continue to try to contact him. So far nothing since the beginning of August and he has been open about sharing when I have questions.

Counseling had to be postponed last week hoping for a time next week so I can ask my questions...I have a few...okay more than a few to ask...hoping when I get the info I'm not going to do this


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Thank you for posting about your last year, since I’m new on LTA, I didn’t know the details. All I can say is “WOW”. You have really come through it. I had read about the current problems with your wife so I didn’t realize how remorseful she was. You don’t seem stuck like the rest of us. Is that because you are generally such a positive person, do you think, or was it also seeing how remorseful your wife was? I wish my H had been so remorseful. Recently, I’ve been thinking about how much my feelings have changed. One of the things discussed on SI is how the WS sometimes goes through withdrawal from the OP. Missing all the chemicals and “high” of feeling (if not being) in love. I think I’ve been going through that too. I was crazily in love with my H for 17 years. I always thought I was so lucky that I had found someone that I could feel that way about. I really miss feeling that way. Did you feel that way? Did it change? Does it come back? I have heard that people do fall in love with each other again. I was also thinking about how thoughts effect emotions and that part where you say “Ok so tell yourself you are going to get unstuck!” hit home. Maybe I need cognitive therapy.

Chicstyler: I just read your profile. (((Chicstyler))) What excuses is your WH using? Is he stuck in the “there was no sex so it was okay” excuse? Can he see at all that he has betrayed you? Has he established NC? Are you using the 180? Is he willing to read any of the books? Sorry that I ask so many Q’s, it just seems like such a difficult situation that you’re in. How is he coping with the fact that he is going to die? Does he have any desire at all to come to terms with his life before it’s over?

UKgirl:

“she even had the gall to tell me they had “lived as man and wife for a week”. FOR A WEEK???”

That one really cracks me up, how do live as H & W for a week? Did she have to wash his clothes, put up with his bad moods, his mother, or just the daily struggle of trying to make a life together? She is married isn’t she? She does know what a M entails? Sorry, this just comes close to one of my triggers. That the relationship with the OW was “easy and uncomplicated, not like at home.” Of course it wasn’t, you idiot! AHRRRRR…

Okay, time for a ramble. I’ve been thinking that maybe the real issue for me underneath all of this is that I just don’t think you can love someone and cheat on them. Not true love anyway, not the real macoy. You may be fond of them, feel a bond with them, you may think what you feel is love but it just isn’t. Once you experience real true love for someone, how can your false self-image be more important to you? I’m into horses so I was thinking about it like this; people get into riding often because of the image it reflects back to them, not because they truly love the animals. They think they love the animal but they don’t. If it isn’t performing right (ie: making them look good), they don’t think that maybe the horse could be having pain somewhere, or may not have enough training to do what they want, they usually just get unhappy with the horse, blame the problem on the animal and try to rectify the situation with a bigger bit, spurs or looking for a new horse who will give them the right image. If they know the animal is in pain, they often make it perform at a horseshow anyway so that they still look good. If they truly loved their horse, wouldn’t they try to find out what it needed, wouldn’t it’s welfare be more important than their image? I know this is pretty far out there but I’m just now trying to put words on something that has been gnawing at me. There are many grades of positive emotions before you get to love. Maybe what WS’s experience for the BS is one of those and not true love or they confuse some other emotion with love. I think my WH thought he loved me but what he really loved was what he thought I would provide him, the image of him in the perfect love relationship or something like that. And when I didn’t perform as he wanted, it was my fault. He tried a bigger bit, spurs, whip (figuratively – trying to convince me the problem was me) and when that didn’t work, started shopping for a new wife.


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey MollyBrown…
It took month and months for me to change my mind… It was a battle... but finally, I just “gave in” to only going forward. What it took was this decision by me and only me… I give her another chance. I will trust her again. I will focus on what I can do to make it loving, fun, happy, and good.

See my wife has always been Following…. I’ve written this to my wife in the past.
you… received a promise I made to you as god he witnessed
you… have made me spiritual and closer to god
You… stayed with me in toughest of time
you… are the mother of my children
you… have precious a special time I selfishly want to enjoy life with
you… have a mother, a father, brothers and family I dearly love
you… have a beauty and appearance I am so proud of
you… feel so good when wet lips and tongue to touch mine
you… bring me to extreme happiness when your body touches mine
you… take me to a place of euphoria when you climax and I arrive
you… talk to and listen to me when I’m happy, and hurt
you… soothe my pain both physical and mental
you… take care of me when I’m injured and sick
you… give me good council
you… entertain me
you… are very interesting and teach me
you… clean my clothing and my home
you… dress me and cook me food
you… earn money for our retirement, for extra things we experience
you… allow me to seek happiness in my life with so many hobbies
you… are kind to other people
you… and I, enjoy so many of the same things


Did I have the entire question A answered? NO
Did my wife hates what she did? Yes, that is enough for me.
Is she fixed and won’t do this again? Heck, I don’t know. But it just doesn’t matter, because if I find she is starting anther relationship of any kind with another man… I’m going straight to file D…. and moving on with my life.

Some here are still in M and cannot seem to get past the history. I know, understand, can relate to the battle. I think to move on to happiness, you must be able to control your own brain. For me, it started with telling myself, making a decision, only focusing on me, not expecting anything in return… but I’m going to be kind to myself too… if I slip… so what.

OK… So as part of me trying to R, I said to myself, what did I do wrong in my M?
My wife says she had her 2 A’s because she felt like I didn’t pay attention to her. I did not give her quality time. I could not open my heart, my feelings, my emotions to her.

All true... I focused on my job, my kids, my hobbies…etc. Is that an excuse to have an A? NO. But since she has told me what she wants in a man.. I’m listening and going to work hard to give it to her.

See, this is why I bought the book you suggested. Since I was a kid… about 1st grade… I have had fantasies too… over the years they changed. Mine are all pretty standard.. me being with co-workers, friends wife’s, all women… It was something looked at me to see if at any time this was the reason I could not be as intimate, share feelings, emotional with my wife. It was sort of an infinitely in it’s own way. I turned to porn because that visual was more stimulating to my brain. I do conclude that porn and fantasy was ways for me satisfy my sexual desires I needed and wanted with my wife. By doing these things, I was not able to tell her what I wanted, nor motivated to learn what a women wants, needs, must have for a good sexually healthy life.

Today, I’ve opened my feelings to my wife, try to make things fun and romantic, try to listen and not tell her what to do…

Are we still fucked up? Not me but my wife is still messed up… you know what, I can laugh about it.

So last night, we have a great dinner at a great place. It was very romantic. She wore a great black dress I had laid out for her on her bed when she came home from work… and I a jacket… We start with wine and good conversation. After a while we got into a conversation about the best times we had together and what we could change… That was good but lead to discussion about the A. She told me she thinks she want to be on her own… leave me. I said fine, but I don’t want her to. I told her she can find a new place… she said that she was told not to leave the house… I told her that I am not going to leave her and I love her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. That is my final decision. If you want to leave, that is your decision. But if you do, I will not see you, talk to you, write to you, only through attorneys because I will need to fall out of love with you and find someone that will fill your shoes. We leave, go home, and have some of the best sex we’ve ever had… hugged each other throughout the night… It was fun. Go figure… LOL. But you know what? I am happy this morning for some reason

BTW.. I am ready for more hurt. I know I won’t hurt any more then what I have in the past year and I am ready to move on with someone new if my wife says she want to be alone. Do I have a time line for her? NO. I’m just going to keep on with my decision to for things that make me happy … give her another chance. I will trust her again. I will focus on what I can do to make it loving, fun, happy, and good.

It really is up to her if she wants to continue our M. I know I would be a great catch... I’m just a bit overweight, good looking, make alotta money, have all my hair, unselfish, positive, fun, educated, friendly, compassionate, believe in God, giving toward others, and now I know what a good woman wants in life.

The other night we watched Fireproof... It was funny how I am doing the same as that man... just giving all I can... So if my W doesn't want that... I'm ready to make my own happiness.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:52 AM, September 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not prying IWAM, I welcome an outside voice.

Our oldest dd & ds are on their own. Youngest ds & dd (plus dd's ds & dh) still live with us.

I guess I'm an incredible actress! We laugh, have sex, say the ILY's, but it's all empty for me, very hollow.

I let him convince me 16 years ago to become a SAHM, I don't regret it, but it caused me to be totally financially dependent on dh. I honestly have no friends as we live in a very rual community and the closest neighbor is about 2 blocks away.

I hate myself. I became so co-dependent on dh that I lost my idenity and I have no idea where to look.

Tryn, what fortitude! I admire that.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Man, you are strong! You know, when I was having boyfriend troubles back in highschool, an "old" (70) lady I worked with told me to "give him enough rope to hang himself" and she was right, it worked. Kind of the 180 and that's what you did last night. Sometimes, I almost think my H should do a 180 on me
It was something looked at me to see if at any time this was the reason I could not be as intimate, share feelings, emotional with my wife. It was sort of an infinitely in it’s own way. I turned to porn because that visual was more stimulating to my brain. I do conclude that porn and fantasy was ways for me satisfy my sexual desires I needed and wanted with my wife. By doing these things, I was not able to tell her what I wanted, nor motivated to learn what a women wants, needs, must have for a good sexually healthy life.

This is also what my H said and why he had his A.
I liked your poem, it made me think. I think you're right, at some point, you just have to make up your mind.
Thanks!


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
chicstyler
♀ Member
Member # 25111
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, September 12th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Molly)My WH said they wefe just "friends" (maybe in the biblical sense?).You are so right, no sex (maybe or maybe not)so it was ok. WH knew it was not ok. we had a discussion our first year of M that X-W and family(another story) does not nor ever will belong in our lives or marriage.But I guess WH conveniently forgot that along with some other things ,such as our vows we made before God.Now WH can see that he has betrayed me ,of course I had to point it out to WH along with many other bad things that went on.His dying is not my big priority , my M is ,but WH is having problems dealing with it all ,but it was his choices that brought us to this point. WH told me he was never going to tell me about X-W and him. I said thanks, you were going to let her tell me after you passed. "Oh she would never do that",WH said. Yea she was a really kind,caring, considerate, truthfull,honest person. My WH does not seem to want to come to terms with what he did to me and our M.He's still in la la land,not wanting to face the person he really is.I knew there was something not right shortly after it began, and I tried troughot the years to get him to tell me what was going on. All he ever did was lie ,lie ,and lie some more. I even sent him to IC 2 times during those years.But it did no good because he wouldn't tell them about X-W cause he wanted to keep her in his life .WH knew that he was destroying our M and hurting me, but he said as long as I didn't know about EA it wasn't hurting me . They even conspired together aganst me in getting the letters by me, then the phone calls, then possibly the real A, then WH setting up a hotmail account at his work just for her. Since there was a time that X-W lived in our small town, it would have been very easy for them to meet. I may have run into her at some point and never knew. WH said he was sorry , but thats only caue he got caught. He has not shown me that he is truly sorry or remorseful. Like I sai earlier ,WH was never going to tell me aout EA with X-W, so he was never going to apologize or even feel guilty


BS(me)52
WH 60 ,EA with lying, cheating X-W
married 30yrs, betrayal #1 1983, #2 1986 & #3 1988(21 yrs)X-W
2 daughters(26 & 24)

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: PA living with spouse
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MollyBrown... I think it will help you if you just get rid of the fear... I was always a lion. A lion at work, play, and in life. When my W’s A was discovered... my ego, confidence, motivation, all that, everything was destroyed and during my grieving. I became very weak. I credit iwantamiracle and others here, in part, to building myself back up… just making a few simple posts when I so needed them.

I know I am at peace and getting better everyday… You can have that too.

I was just reading in Oprah Magazine and article called Power Surge. This stuck with me..

Fear>>>>>>>>>>>……. Love
------------------------- ---------------------------
Always feels bad>>> Always feels good
Insists on certainty>> Accepts Uncertainty
Needs everything>>> Needs nothing

It is not easy. I think you first need to start with forgiving. For example, I made a decision to forgive my W right away. I shifted my anger toward OM and blamed him. He is not to blame. My wife is to blame for her actions. I made a decision to forgive the OM back in May. It took to July before I started to be at peace with that decision. I just said "I forgive" everytime I thought about him. I forgave my wife after I bruised her arm. I could then realize how she felt about hurting me.

BTW.. I don’t really think my W wants to leave me. I know she is afraid to leave me… See, she had my children and knows that I am a damn great H. I don’t cheat, not a drunk, hard worker, I am very kind (I lost my mind during anger), never cussed her, always opened door, came to help her at every call, not a flirt… vs. her lover cheated on her, a drunk, cussed her, cheap ass, flirt, so many issues…

I think she got greedy and selfish. As UK says, a cake eater… got caught up in all that lust. She fell victim to a man experienced at making a woman feel good in some emotional ways… It basically wasted her life for years. It would be hard to admit such failings after years of justifying living a duel secret life. How in the world can you feel good about yourself after betraying and being so evil? You cannot. If you can feel good about what you did, then something is seriously wrong with you. You know in your heart you betrayed God, yourself and your family. I feel if someone cannot learn from such a huge mistake, they never will. It is time to make a change. I think some people cannot forgive and those people need to D. It’s just not fair to the other person if you are going to lead them on.

I made a choice to give her a second chance with me because of several reasons. I now forgive her. Yes, I take a chance, a risk. I would also be doing the same with another woman, if I left.

I know choices work. But see, I know it works. I forgive the OM and only wish him the best in life and I hope he can fix his issues of happiness.
It’s funny how my W and I disagree on that… This is from Marriage Encounter and Retrouvaille…. Love is a Decision. Love is a choice.

Love is a Decision. Feelings change and aren't not easily controlled. Love is not only a feeling, it is more than a feeling. Love is a decision. Love is a decision to be open and to share when you don’t feel like it. Love is a decision when you don't think your spouse deserves your love. Love is a decision means that you are open to honest communication with your spouse. That's not only talking, but also listening. It is also a decision to be loved. Making the decision to love includes the everyday, little things that you often do for one another, especially when you’re not feeling loving. From the action of deciding to love, often the feeling of love will follow.

Making the decision to love doesn't mean you love and accept negative or abusive behavior.

I think some people confuse lust feelings as too important compared with total/complete love.

I am 99% sure I would never have visited a porn site if my wife and I had sex everyday or much more often. I could and really want sex everyday. That is who I am. I know my language of love is physical. It always has been. I have struggled with that for years and found ways to cope. My wife just will not or cannot have sex this frequent. Years and years ago, I just gave up on us. I quit working on doing the things I needed to make her feel like having sex with me. But my ethics, situations, choice to be faithful and all never lead to an A with another woman. Over the years being turned away so much because I wanted sex without the “warmup”, attaining those feeling a woman needs to want to have sex. I totally forgot how to do this out of my own selfish immediate desires. All I can do is control my own actions. Would I like my wife to “come on to me” and “want” me sexually without my initiations? Yes. But I have no control over that. So for me to be happy sexually, I must do the things that excite her.

Not only that, I did ignore my wife. I worked a lot. I spent a lot of time making money. I viewed making money for us, my kids, my own selfishness as most important because I too a piece of paper that said Marriage as a promise you don’t break and allowed my boundaries for happiness to be broken.

Today, my boundaries won’t ever be broken again without consequences.

I think you can be at peace if you think like me… living proof here…

Will I be sad over thinking about this history again? Yes. But you just pick yourself back up and go on back to thinking about what is happening today.

Oh well.. had a great day with my w yesterday and off to a Colt's football here for another good time...

Peace be with you all today and make a choice for happiness!

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:38 AM, September 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chicstyler:

“I knew there was something not right … and I tried throughout the years to get him to tell me what was going on. All he ever did was lie, lie, and lie some more. WH knew that he was destroying our M and hurting me, but he said as long as I didn't know about EA it wasn't hurting me.”

This could be right out of my story. I get so angry that some WS’s (particularly LTA’ers) think they are so entitled that they can play with other peoples lives and emotions.

“They even conspired together against me in getting the letters by me, then the phone calls, then possibly the real A, then WH setting up a hotmail account at his work just for her. Since there was a time that X-W lived in our small town, it would have been very easy for them to meet. I may have run into her at some point and never knew.”

(((Chicstyler))) I know how bad this hurts.

“WH said he was sorry, but that’s only because he got caught.”

Yup, I recognize this. I’m still having trouble accepting that my FWS is sorry.

I wish I could help you more but all I can say is that he is still in the fog and the only way to get him out, if you want him to take responsibility for what he’s done, is to keep trying to show how his excuses and lies don’t hold water. I was like the Chinese water torture using consistent logic until he could see. It took a long time but it worked.

Tryn: Thank you once again, I do always get something out of your posts.

My problem is that for 17 years, my FWS lived in a skewed reality and through ingenious manipulation (we thought he was NPD for awhile) got me to accept this Picasso picture. I’m afraid now, that if I accept the current explanation, I will just, yet again, accept a fake reality. Well, it is two steps forward, one step back but still going forward. I am just not ready to let go of the side of the pool yet.

You know, when you described your dinner the other night what I thought was, she doesn’t want to leave him, it’s just hard for her to accept what she’s done and be with him. Maybe she’s just expressing how hard that is. I think it’s good that you kindly remind her that the choice is hers.


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree about the ws being sorry mostly for being caught...I was rereading his email(unfortunately the only one I ever intercepted) to ow last week about how he was forced to tell after 3 days of bitter arguing..way sympathetic to her because he was nervous how I would react towards her...can't wait until we have MC again...delayed for now since he doesn't have a great schedule and I am just getting back to work(I'm a teacher) so I can ask my questions and get some more closure(is that possible?).


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MollyBrown... mostly talking to myself... lol... But for you
I am just not ready to let go of the side of the pool yet.
When you are ready, you are ready...

Going To Make It...

I hate myself. I became so co-dependent on dh that I lost my idenity and I have no idea where to look.
I can say I hated myself too these past several months. At some point ya just gotta make a change... What can you do to not be hollow and not hate yourself?

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Molly, I hope you don't mind if I use what you said, with a bit of revising.

My problem is that for 20 years, my FWS lived in a skewed reality and through ingenious manipulation (we thought he was NPD for awhile) got me to accept this Picasso picture. I’m afraid now, that if I accept the current explanation, I will just, yet again, accept a fake reality.

This just screamed at me, you hit the nail on the head for me. I've been spinning my wheels for so long, I always knew, but could never prove anything until the FB called when her mom died 5.5 years ago. It took him another 3.5 years of trickle truth, only admiting something when presented with direct/no wiggle room evidence.

Do I think I have the whole story? Nope, never will, but that's not what is eating my soul alive, it's that I don't believe he is in the M for love, he came back to me only when she turned him down for sex the last time he was there (02).

Tryn, my whole being was put into loving him and my children. I'm all tapped out

DH is trying to move heaven and earth to get me out of the state he took me to so he could continue to conduct his LTA in CA and to keep me dependent on him (he's admitted as much)by convincing me to be a SAHM (I use to be in IP Law with an international co). We have decided on a place we both would love and isn't anywhere close to the West Coast That is the first thing on my list to improve my attitude

I need and want to work, not in the same field, but something where my current talents are (I can't say to much, I don't want to appear to be soliciting), DH is so on board, he's ready to chuck his career for mine, he's really done a 180 in this respect. Where before it was all about him being "top dog", he only works when the coffers need to be filled.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTMI: You can use mine if I can use yours

I've been spinning my wheels for so long, I always knew, but could never prove anything until... I intercepted an e-mail and he lied about it.

My H also now admits that he did what he could to keep me dependent. He also admits he always tried to keep me off balance so that he could be the superior one in our relationship. All very subtle so I couldn't put a finger on him and he could still look like the good guy while I was the unreasonable one. (he is a psychologist, by the way and very clever) He said it was getting harder and harder to keep two steps ahead of me because I was always working on myself and through practice, started seeing through him and honed my verbal and observational skills (trying to get him to see reason). I put all my eggs in one basket, moved to his country, gave up friends, family, career and activities. I am typically a very independent, tough minded career oriented woman, I can't quite understand why I bought all of this. When i look back, I can see how I changed my hair, clothes, everything, just trying to please him

Suddenly, I understand things that I could never figure out before. A veil has been lifted and I find that I have been under a spell. It feels like I accepted some indisputable law (like the law of gravity) and since that couldn’t possibly be questioned, everything that didn’t fit had to be inaccurate. What was that stupid law I accepted? That he loved me? That he was who he presented himself to be? That we were special? That our relationship was unlike any other? I feel like our whole life together has been a lie, not just the 3.5 years of his affair.

Well, to his credit, he has seen through all his crap and owned it. (due to my forcing him screaming and kicking the entire way) He is working hard to become a better person. We are making progress. It's me that's stuck at the moment.

The thing I really miss at the moment are my feelings for him. How I looked forward to being with him, how my heart skipped a beat every time I saw his face. How I felt when he touched me. Do those feelings come back or am I stuck with the "good friends" only feelings now forever?


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Molly, I can't speak for everyone, but those feelings haven't come back for me. I miss them too he was the only person I've ever trusted and he knows it. I guess maybe that's why I'm so stuck myself, I keep waiting for the feelings to come back.

I don't like the 'new' feelings I have for him, just one of "Friends with Benefits". I'm hoping our move with bring about a new change in me.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it I could never see through the fog...did I not want to confirm his affair...was I too hurt from his previous emotional affair, did I not want to get hurt. Was I so wrapped up in having a baby both times he had affairs I read back over the journal I kept for a couple of weeks after his emotional affair and I see the same feelings I had for the revealing of the physical affair...will I ever get over the revulsion I feel for myself not seeing it...why haven't I hit the f-ing anger point yet it has been over 3 months since d-day. Is he capable of love? He says he hasn't loved anyone for a long time...years yet he choose to plan our second child why do that with someone you don't love I don't get it. Is it worth hanging around to wait for him to feel love for me. So much seems to be about poor him, what about poor me I was physically and mentally exhausted for much of the time after I had our 2nd child no sex drive, worked 40 hours a week as a teacher, breastfed my baby forever and was touched out. I even went to my doctor because he was so upset about it tried really hard to be responsive but didn't have much help at home with anything, so wasn't feeling any love from him...I guess my love language is touch(without sex) and acts of service. I don't know just in a venting mood this week so sorry for not contributing much except vents...Counseling next week hopefully have a couple of days that she will be available.
Hugs to everyone.


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ejs5
why haven't I hit the f-ing anger point yet it has been over 3 months since d-day.
It was 5 months before I first got angry. It stayed with me for 3-4 months... Just let it happen. It's going to happen anyway....and Know you may be single after this.. just fight for your M the best you can and with no regrets you fought so hard. It depends on the person you H is... you will be OK... Your H needs to make a choice he wants you forever again... give you 100% and not be so selfish. You need to do the same... It was your H that has made unhealthy choices in life, not you. It will be hard so take care of yourself so know it.. Try and do things that make you happy. Make a list and do them.

Peace and you are in my prayers.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:40 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
chicstyler
♀ Member
Member # 25111
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTMI & MOLBR My feelings for my WH have left and been replaced with contempt and dislike. I miss the intimacy and the hugs and the looks that you give each other and you know without saying a word. But I know my WH took away all those feelings years ago but never told me. WH kept me from having a true loving relationship with someone who would have actually loved ME My WH was too busy being in love with himself and other women to care about me.I even went through breast cancer and WH was still with X-W. She knew all about me but I knew nothing about her.With my WH having ALS , it makes my life miserable. I can't stand living with him, but WH will need care in the near future. I just want to disappear off the face of the earth I need someone that I can cry on their shoulder and they can hug and comfort me , but that cant happen as long as WH is around I'm stuck and don't know what to do. I see a lawyer this Thursday' Hopefully she can help me.


BS(me)52
WH 60 ,EA with lying, cheating X-W
married 30yrs, betrayal #1 1983, #2 1986 & #3 1988(21 yrs)X-W
2 daughters(26 & 24)

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: PA living with spouse
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks trynhard...I so want to skip the anger part in some ways I feel it brewing inside me...when I want to snip and snap with little catty remarks. I can't stand the way he sometimes will say things he thinks are funny and they are like needles to my heart smart ass remarks about people getting married etc...we went to a wedding this weekend actually missed the ceremony which I'm glad and I went outside during the toasts didn't want to hear sweet and kind things about marriage when mine sucks so much. I'm so wary of anything now and can't even stand to hear, read or see anything about affairs in the media and books it so disgusts me...it is limiting books I pick up at the library.


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chic, I don't want to come off as insensitive, but why can't the XW take care of him now?

WH kept me from having a true loving relationship with someone who would have actually loved ME

I too feel ROBBED of a truly loving relationship!

I hope the attorney will give you some hope for your future.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ejs5: did you maybe think that after the first EA that things were cleared up between you two and a 2nd wouldn’t happen? You also had your hands pretty darn full with work and kids! Please don’t be hard on yourself. Right now, you need to be really good to yourself. I think anger will come when the shock wears off and that can take some time. Everyone responds differently and goes through different stages. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and 180.

Regarding low libido, it is really interesting to read “The Female Brain”. Any stress really shuts off women’s libido. It also says that women need to be in a warm caring environment with their spouse for 24 hours before they want to have sex. So if H says any unkind things, isn’t helpful around the house, it puts the clock back at zero. The book is an eye opener for many reasons, I highly recommend it. It also helped my H understand what he needs to do if he wants to encourage a sex friendly environment at home.

GTMI & Chic: sorry to hear the feelings don’t come back but I pretty much thought as much. Guess I’m stuck in the “Friends with Benefits” sitch.


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.