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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
brokenheart09
♀ Member
Member # 25338
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to pop in and tell you THE most ridiculous thing WH said to me yesterday. I contacted a friend of his to see if he could call him and pick his brain (because God knows I can't make heads or tails of his logic right now) and when I told WH about it he said angrily............. wait for it................

"How could you involve someone else in our relationship??"

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding????? WTF???


Me BS (33)
Him WH (35)
5 year LTA
DD:2/Twin sons: 8 months
DDay: 8/22/09 (his) & 9/8/09 (from her)
R: still deciding...

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2009
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken, it is totally amazing how obtuse they become!

My DH was on a stupid roll yesterday as well. He said and I quote "I'm going to prove to you that the pain I inflicted on you was worth it"

Seriously! Their stupidity (hence the LTA) knows no bounds.

Did you say to him WTF???


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Molly I haven't done the 180 at all just tried to focus on being nice to each other in front of our kids and doing family stuff as well as continuing counseling which works out to about 1x a month with his schedule and my schedule...hopefully have one for next Thursday...if he can't go I will go alone. Actually since about a week after the d-day I have been doing some hb with him...that part is mostly good and has helped me reconnect in a way that makes me feel more powerful than her...other than that I don't have any time for myself I can't remember the last time I went somewhere without my children and him...my time to myself is every morning reading in the bath for about 15 minutes and facebooking at night on yoville and farmville...pathetic but not much to do when your wh works on call except one day a week unless he is covering for a vacation which means his day off changes...so frustrating, I feel the need for time to but don't know how to get it...especially since I am back to work teaching, I want to be able to exercise(swim) a couple of times a week...any ideas


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi all,

i am sorry i have not been around, i have been lurking trying to keep up with everyone, but have needed to turn inward...

i posted over in general, my wh had taken a polygraph yesterday and i still do not believe....


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH09:
OMG..that is hysterical. Where you able to answer him or just stare in slack-jawed amazement? I think we should all collaborate on a book of dumb things WS say...maybe 2 books 'cause one wouldn't be enough....


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
leapyearbaby
♀ Member
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 20th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Molly:

My problem is that for 17 years, my FWS lived in a skewed reality and through ingenious manipulation (we thought he was NPD for awhile) got me to accept this Picasso picture. Iím afraid now, that if I accept the current explanation, I will just, yet again, accept a fake reality. Well, it is two steps forward, one step back but still going forward. I am just not ready to let go of the side of the pool yet

Oh, yeah....that feeling of wanting to trust again, but afraid to trust and not WANTING to want to. Been the theme of this whole mess for me.
Although I am pretty sure my H is not NPD, he has some pretty strong traits and I keep thinking is he actually changing or just getting better at smoozing me? Not blind anymore, so I question everything, probably excruciatingly, but too bad....
Then, I read someone's tagline here...That's one of the things I really love is some of the quotes people post on their stories. BTW, where do you find all those?
Anyway, someone...and I apologize, I forgot who did it, posted the following quote:
There are two ways to be fooled.
One is to believe what isn't true,
The other is to refuse to believe what is true.. Soren Kierkagaard

And it got me thinking...I do see some positive changes in my H. He has continued his IC even thought I stopped MC, he is reading, talking to a couple friends (up until now, as far as he was concerned his behavior was a deep dark secret), being more pro-active and initiating than he ever has been. So was I was being fooled by not seeing was is true? Or am I believing what isn't true?
I am leaning right now to believing that I was not seeing changes that are really happening....but I guess only time will tell.
Well, off the get a massage...my first in months, been so distracted couldn't seem to find the time, but today is the day!!!!


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just stopping in to say that I'm just getting through the days lately... nothing earth-shattering happening... think reading SI is keeping me from moving on/letting go, but can't stay away!
I've been to IC and have an apptmt on Wed. Also a dr's apptmt to see if I've improved my cholesterol level since yearly check 2 mos. ago. I'm not optimistic though - too much emotional eating, not enough walking.

{{{LTA}}} is no news from long time members good news?


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate arguing my husband said that he thinks it would be better to move out...it isn't working because I melted down after he told me to drop talking about my daughter he says I am mean to her. He says he already asked someone if he move our travel trailer to there property it would be close so he could still see the girls...my heart just aches...he says he can't take the disorder of the house, that I haven't had to give up on anything like him...I"m so tired he won't listen to me about it taking time. When I mentioned divorce he said oh I never said divorce I would just live seperately...otherwise we would go bankrupt...course that is all on my head everything to do with money is as I put us in this situation.
Uggh I hate my life, I just don't think it is fair he says he was unhappy 10 years but then why did we plan having a 2nd child 6 years ago? I go to the counselor on Thursday he has to work so can't this is so hard...I asked him to wait and give me a week he says just box it up and get rid of everything(he doesn't like clutter and my method of coping with issues him was to buy and collect things) his method was to have an emotional affair and then a physical affair...I'm torn in two...why do I still love him it isn't fair why can't life just be easy for once for me. I'm not much for praying myself but if you are could you say a prayer for me?
Thanks


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ejs5...
Uggh I hate my life
Just hang in there... Do stuff for you.
He needs to man up right now.. heck it sounds like my wife is tougher then he is... needs to be fighting for you.
why do I still love him it isn't fair why can't life just be easy for once for me.
it will be soon... take it one day at a time. Start an ebay store.. I sold all my coins I had collected over the years... my prayers are with you..

iwantamiracle... my thoughts are with you.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks trynhard...I don't have time to do much for me...his schedule is dictated by his job and honestly I can' afford to hire a sitter to watch my kids and already feel guilty for having my sister watch them for barely any money. Wish I could sell what I collected on ebay, wish I had the time...Did I mention I work full time as a teacher and when I am not at work I am with my kids, tomorrow is picture day and I don't want to look all tear streaked and angry here is to getting through one more day...somedays I wish I could be the one to leave him to deal with everything. Edited to finish my sentence:)

[This message edited by ejs5 at 11:14 PM, September 21st (Monday)]


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ejs5... I know it is hard. You are in a tough time that is always part of life.

Just a few thoughts... bankrupt is not the end of life... so what? I know so many people that have done it and still live good lives. You have a job and teachers are always in need and can start over. It will be a new adventure should you go that way. That is the reason the US has this law, to help those how have made mistakes. Your sister must be a wonderful woman. Just look at her today with love and tell her so... you will pay her back one day... and Divorce could be the beginning of a new life too. But for now, you have made the choice to R... you won't regret trying so hard... no matter what happens.

I think a spouse that committed infidelity just does not know or understand the mental pains you are going through. Your H just has no idea the the mental stress you are under right now. Just keep that in mind that these kinds of people made a horrible mistake and you must find a way to forgive or you will never be at peace. Just keep your boundaries from now on...

You know ejs5, here are some more ideas about taking care of yourself right now.

You should think about taking an AD. The drug I'm on cost me $10 at Walmart and I am 100% sure it is helping me. I plan on taking it until Jan or Feb. After schools out, when your H is not working, asked him to take the kids. You go take your sister or a friend and do something... anything, fishing, bowling, shopping, walking... or start a good book. Yes, leave him to deal with the kids... Tell him to start to get use to this.. You know a single man you kinda think is cute? Work or church? Start making a point to talk to him, just as friendship. No secrets to anyone about this relationship and no talk of R or your M... Make a point to try and start an emotional relationship (not romantic or sexual at all!) until you are ready to fully commit to R. This helped me tremendously.. I know I still have it... lol. Start walking everyday for 10 min or so.. we all have 10 min. Take this kids with you in a stroller... and get sleep... go get some Ambien and take it when you cannot sleep. Start to think about your future only. Make some plans. Plan a vacation. Plan a weekend trip with H. Plan to start paying off a credit card... plan something... heck, plan anything! Start thinking positively. I am the best teacher at my school. I am the best mother. I am the best sister... think about how you will better at all thoses things... You sound like your just not ready to fully commit to R just yet. That is OK and don't beat up on yourself for not being ready. It will come when you are ready to make that choice. It is only your choice. When you are ready to forgive and accept it will come on you decision alone. Prayer has really worked for me too.

To get out of your funk, you will need to take action. You and only you. Even with action, know you will fall. But if you pick yourself back up, peace will come again.

my prayers are with you and all here...

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:02 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard you are so nice. About talking to another man...I don't go to church and don't know any men that I would even be able to talk to. I feel like I was being the one to work towards reconciliation...he was making a back up plan because he knows I will never change, supposed to get my act together with the money and house cleaning. Lucky him gets to move out and see the kids whenever, live in our travel trailer and probably come home so I can do his laundry, see the kids and then leave me to do everything else...oh and no divorce because that might financially ruin us, so he gets to have and eat his cake. I'm not much of a pill taker and don't see myself doing an ad but I will have to look into it. I will try to do something for myself, but I find myself jealous of the things he does when out of town on his job, movies, meals out...me I'm on the other end worried about money and work.
Okay I am just a rambling mess with no sleep at all despite taking tylenol pm.


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol... of course you can change! You change kids minds while teaching, don't ya? you can teach yourself too! We all change... that is a fact of life.

Start by changing yourself today... why don't ya make a list? What you want to change about you and your life.

This was list of changes I made during this past year... I never did these much before now.

- Listening to my wife and taking the time to sit and talk every night.
- Photography
- Writing a poem
- Start talking emotional stuff with my kids
- Start calling my parents several times a week
- started going to church and praying
- gift more of my good fortunes to charity
- taking care of my body
- cooking more for my wife and kids
- more laundry
- reading more
- I'm not going to hold back my feelings to my wife about anything. (good or bad)
- I'm not going to let thing build inside when I am low.. I will confront them head on.

It is so hard to pick yourself up after what we have been through... But it starts with you just doing it. One thing at a time....

I can tell you, I am getting to a point of some pretty good peace.

And frankly, if my wife decides to leave next week, It will hurt, but you know what? I'm going to have the time of my life. And if she wants to stay, I am going to still have the time of my life... and make the most of it.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:56 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey iwantamiracle

It's too bad you didn't get what you needed from the lie detector test.

I struggled with that same thing and still do at some level (That needing to know)Ö but I finally gave up. I hope you get there too. The bottom line isÖ it would hurt just the same, be the same, if he visited prostitutes, a one night stand, one affair, two affairs, five affairs, one year long, two years long, 8 years long, and on and on. It all is so damaging to the M and you will never understand because you and I are just not that kind of person.

I was in Chicago last week and took this pic...in my mind, this is you...

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:46 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Tribe and good day to all time zones!

We need a little LTA mojo today. Our first 'together' session at the therapist is in a couple of hours. I'm nervous (make that EXTREMELY nervous) about it but also hopeful that we'll make some communication breakthroughs as a result. There have been positive changes in my H but I still can't let go of the feeling of there being more to the A. Maybe since I found out through pc chat logs rather than him ending it of his own accord... I don't know.

Yesterday I had a bit of meltdown about his business trip this past weekend (just when I think he 'gets it' a new situation shows me different)so I think we really do need this.

LYbaby... I'm reallllly ready for a massage. hope yours made you feel wonderful!

Got to run... or I'll be late.

LS


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
MollyBrown
♀ New Member
Member # 25061
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

Been gone a few days.

Tryn: I love reading your posts, they are so positive. I like the picture you took of IWAM, I think it suits her : )
Lostsuol: I hope your session went well.

Ejs5: Trynís advice is very good, heís constructive and positive. Now, if you donít mind, Iíll give you my 2 cents worth to add to his, except mine is ďmean bitch adviceĒ Ė LOL

Do not let him have his cake and eat it too!!! I mean it!!! He needs a 2x4 up side the head to come around and you, my friend, are the only one to give it to him. Be tough, be a Goddess, say ďhell no, Iím not taking this kind of crap any moreĒ. It seems anti intuitive but it will make him sit up and take notice. He will respect you. He will think, hey there is more to her than I thought. We all have some strange perversity that makes us want the unattainable or at least the difficult to obtain. The more expensive it is, the more valuable we think it is. Tap into that part of him. Tell him that if he moves out and leaves you holding the bag, you WILL file for divorce and then do it (you donít need to sign). Either he lives with you and deals with it or itís over. He simply must not be allowed to have it both ways. You will have the advantage by receiving child support and alimony. And he can just go do his laundry at the Laundromat. You can still have blindingly satisfying HB sex with him but it is for you, because you want it and the big O is good for your complexion. Itís good to have a glow when you go swimming and meet that nice instructor. Let WS get jealous a little. See what heís missing. Sometimes they just donít know what theyíve had until itís gone. Let him get a little taste of what it would be like. Let him live the consequences of his actions just a little bit so he knows exactly what his choices are. Give him enough rope to hang himself. And when he comes crawling back, make him earn it. People value what they have to work hard for. If itís given to them, they throw it in the trashcan. Value yourself so that he can see your value.

A good way to kick off the 180 is to say ďIíve been thinking about it and I think youíre right. You should move out. But I want to make it official and start the proceedings for D.Ē Then you go on to work on yourself. Hold a garage sale (get a girlfriend to help), get the house looking good, get yourself looking good. Even if you already look fantastic, something new is always a eye opener, a new hairdo or clothing look, heels never hurt, and a good push up bra. Itís not for superficial looks but to show him you care about yourself. Show him that it has been him holding you back all this time and when he moves out, you blossom!

Okay, that was maybe a bit of a rant, but you get my point. Even if it all feels like an act, do it for the effect to get him to come around and then you can start on the earnest repair work that needs to be done to you M. Before he is doing his part, all your kindness and trying is for nothing and it might even be working against you.

Do you have a good girlfriend that could help you? Act like a coach maybe?


The Unsinkable Molly Brown:
"Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"
"I mean more to me than I mean to anybody else."

Posts: 47 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Europe
ejs5
♀ Member
Member # 24607
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Molly Brown very good advice he has the day off so far so hopefully he can go today to the counselor...and we can talk about the blow up and I can have my questions answered about the affair. I will say if he chooses to move out then we will file for seperation or divorce I will not give up the ability to live life, while he goes out and has a good time and he has already had one pa what will stop him from doing it again if he moves out...hell the woman he plans to stay with is older but she has slept with half of his uncles while she was married.


DD June 2nd 2009
Me BW 38
Him WS 40
No reconciliation was all false 2.5 LTA now a couple of months affair...

Posts: 256 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Done
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ejs5: i agree with molly and i am sorry but i need to give you a gentle 2 x 4, do not dare do his laundry or anything else for him personally for that matter...he cannot be a cake eater if you take the cake away....

starting yesterday he needs to fend for himself on so many levels, this man is not accepting any responsibliity for his actions, i don't care if you spent every last dime the 2 of you had, he had no business stepping out on you...and in steppiong out on you he has put everything else that has been wrong in your marriage on a back burner...until he deals with what he's done there is no reconcilliation possible, because my dear you will never be able to let it go, it will always haunt you because he is not doing anything to heal you, in fact he is doing everything possible to blame you, and further bring you down and that is just not fair to you....

ej you need to put you on a front burner, you need to carve out some mommy time, that means you put your kids in a room where they are safe, put on a t.v. give them some snacks and take out some time for you....put them to bed at an earlier hour, take some time for you, tell your husband that he is taking certain hours with the kids and he can take him to the travel trailer for a sleepover, he doesn't work that many hours that he doesn't have some days or hours off...you work full time and that puts you in a different category...it gives you equal footing on who takes care of the kids....

and on one more note, concerning bankruptcy....you can tell your husband that divorce would not be on the table if he didn't choose to take his sexual needs, desires, wants and actions to someone else...so if a divorce means bankruptcy its on his head because until this divorce was not in the cards, so that excuse does not wash in any way shape or form...so man up, and get over it....

(((((ejs5)))))

(((((lostsoul)))))

i am so sorry for your pain, and of course you have my prayers and all the lta mojo we can muster....


tryn: she is quite the lady, in that picture, thank you for that and thank you for always keeping me in your thoughts...


brokenheart09:

"How could you involve someone else in our relationship??"

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding????? WTF???

its so unbelievably sad and funny..like HELLO IS ANYONE HOME!!!!

lyb: that massage sound heavenly....


as always

(((((tribe)))))



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
brokenheart09
♀ Member
Member # 25338
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sad today.... I feel that there is no hope. I can't stop crying and I feel such despair....


Me BS (33)
Him WH (35)
5 year LTA
DD:2/Twin sons: 8 months
DDay: 8/22/09 (his) & 9/8/09 (from her)
R: still deciding...

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2009
REALLY SAD
♀ Member
Member # 23030
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brokenheart))) I'm sorry I don't have much to offer except lots of (((hugs))).

I posted in the LTA thread for a while, I've been reading as much of the goings on as I can but just kind of feeling like I'm not sure where I belong...in terms of SI forums and life in general.

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary and my WH is flying home from a business trip this afternoon and going straight from the airport to meet with his real estate agent, he's scoping out bachelor pads. I've spent the better part of yesterday and today making phone calls to paralegals and mediators trying to get information on a legal separation that WH is super anxious for because he needs this in place to have himself removed from the financial obligation on our home which I am buying him out of his portion and needs this done in order to secure financing on the new bachelor pad.

I broke down on Sunday and unfortunately went to him, he had been out house hunting that morning, I'd had an awful few days with my Mom who is still living with me and we were no longer speaking with one another all together...she loves me and I know she doesn't want to hurt me but some of the things she says to me are insensitive, cruel and down right awful and inevitably while I think she sympathizes with me and the situation, it's her general lack of understanding towards me and my decisions and respect for the way that I handle myself and the situation (she told me on Friday that she faces her problems, I back down from mine and then added that she was having a hard time with the new me, I used to be so kind and fun loving and now I'm very self centered), somehow we start talking about me and the demise of my M and what I/we are going to do and it ends up being about her. She feels like I exclude her and don't talk to her lately (go figure huh?) and she told me that I need more than my IC and my really close girlfriend. Again, she's my Mom...I would have thought she would have just been happy that I was talking and it wouldn't matter to whom? So awful situation there...I think on some level feels guilty about WH's A. OW called her 1 year before D-Day and she confronted WH, he denied and she opted to believe him and they both decided not to tell me. He assured her that it wasn't true, OW was a crazy and they didn't want to upset me unnecessarily, she's depressed because of the living situation (she was uprooted from her apartment downstairs and now doesn't have any closet space), she still isn't back to work since car accident in July (in my opinion she should be but the lawyer isn't pushing it probably so as not to jeopardize settlement), not certain where she will live and financially what she will be able to afford etc.

I basically said to her "yeah no kidding". WHile I realize that our S has affected her and negatively this is about me, not her...unfortunately it's fallout or collateral damage so to speak but I have to look after myself and think about me and if that is "self centered" then so be it I guess.

Sorry...all over the place here, back to WH. So broke down Sunday about my life in general to WH. He really wants true S and to be in a place of his own, he thinks he will be able to be happy on his own, not living in the basement of our house. While he says he has second thoughts everyday about decision to S, he has no regrets...he thinks this is the right decision for us, for now...he inevitably always adds a "for now". He indicated a few times to me (and to my MIL) that worst case scenerio, we are able to work things out and get back together then we own 2 houses! Can you imagine...I was floored. I said to him that to me, legal S and splitting the house, finances and belongings is drastic so if he wasn't 100% sure then he needed to stop that ball from rolling.

I asked him what best case scenerio might be for him...he said buy a place, get settled in and then maybe we start spending some time together or dating in the New Year....maybe, he doesn't want to give me any false hope because he doesn't know exactly how he will feel. He's never ruled out the possiblity of us working things out but he never had a timeline for it and again, doesn't want to give me any false hope.

Like I said, he made the same comment to his Mom that if this time next year we are back together then we own 2 houses. It seems to be all that is important to him right now. He's been out shopping looking for big screen tv and surround sound system. When his Mom and I were talking we agreed, it's all about instant gratification for WH...much the same as the A was, now it's the house and the big tv and stuff. What's going to happen once he's got the house and the tv....what will it be next, where will he go or what will he do to get the instant gratification fix. I'm certain that eventually he will crave a real life with some substance...like the one he is walking away from.

He says OW is out of the picture, she has happily moved on and in a relationship with someone else and has been for 6 months...although he admitted to calling her when we S'd to let her know because that was what she always wanted. He said they talked, she thought about it and decided she was happy where she was. He says that this decision is all about him and only him nothing to do with OW. He wants to get back to the guy he used to be and yes he is planning to do this through working, drinking and hanging out with his buddies, golfing, buying a bachelor pad and big screen tv vs. the alternate route of R'ing with BW, IC, MC.

At the end of the conversation on Sunday I asked him if he were giving advice to me as a friend what would it be and he said " I would tell you to do what you can to make yourself happy and wait for WH to fall flat on his face and realize that BS was the best thing that ever happened to him and let WH come crawling back and fight for BS and if it's too late and BS has firmly moved on then WH has nobody to blame but himself for being such an idiot" I said to him oddly enough that's exactly the advice my friends have given.

I told him that I was a catch and a good catch at that. I told him that I was a good wife, a good person, I'm bright, I'm funny, I'm pretty, I've got a good job and am financially self sufficent and someone would be lucky to have me in their life so he'd better be sure because someone might just come along and sweep me off my feet while he's sitting in his bachelor pad watching his big tv. Now I said it and said it convincingly I think but I just wish I completely believed it and was completely ready to move on and leave him and our M behind. I know I have to and I will, I'm just not quite sure how to. How do you learn to stop loving someone and caring about someone that you have for so long? How do you give up on someone and something was so important to you? That's what I'm struggling with, in my head I know what I have to do and what's best for me it's getting my heart on board.

Sorry for the long post and being all over the place about my Mom and WH...guess I should post more often and not save it all up for one long scatterbrained, all over the place post.

Tryn - all ways loving your photos. From what I've read you sound well

UKgirl - I haven't seen anything from you lately. I haven't read everything maybe I just missed. I hope that you are well.

(((to everyone)))

RS


Truth whether good, bad or ugly can be dealt with. Hope on the other hand can be devastating!

Me - BS (37)
Him - WS (36)
Together - October 1991
Married - September 2005
DDay#1 - 12/29/08
DDay #2 - 02/21/09
His heart just isn't in it -


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