I cannot remember if you are on AD’s? I went on AD in November and felt like they helped. I took them for 2 months and got off, thinking I was better. Started getting in to major depression again and got back on in July. The drug I am on is has helped people with both obsessive-compulsive and panic desorders. Studies have shown my drug helps decreasing the frequency of panic attacks by about 80% (vs. 45% for placebo) and decreasing general anxiety.
I have come to the reality that in life you must do things that make you happy… and need to help yourself. This is something some emailed me and I gave to my wife. I don't see a copyright on the paper so I assume it is ok to post.
Don't be afraid to give this to your H amd make it clear your pain. It is up to him to also work at this...
Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse
A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners
The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand
You betrayed your partner. Now comes the fallout.
They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again.
But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at
least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for
the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to
moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable
pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can't sleep. They can't eat. Their thoughts are
obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the
drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and
their life until they feel like there's nothing left.
It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s
worse, you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll
get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first
by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never
think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers
are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress.
Is this real? Is this permanent?
As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder
where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to
“normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”
The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time,
often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient,
empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and
honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?
Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel
shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your
spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital
partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)
But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express
your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your
spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding
from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage.
The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this
horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery. So, take a couple of deep breaths…
and let’s start with three foundational facts:
What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.
Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.
You can bea positive influence on their recovery.
Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat
them without looking, continue.
Your first mission is to learn.
Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize,
understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from
one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t
be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added
some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there
may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”
Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse.
The wild patchwork of emotions
They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can't be true. They don't believe
it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is
common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time
elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed
this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)
They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled.
They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient
concentration to their day-to-day lives.
"Oh my God. It really happened." They feel they're getting worse. Actually, reality has just
set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t
know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your
infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family.
Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone
they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never
accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging.
Commend them for seeking help.
They’re disoriented. They can't think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and
forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once
they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them.
Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate
their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their
confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.”
(Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)
They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains,
numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal
tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive
system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the
symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to
rule out other causes.
Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control
of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to
restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If
they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into
a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide
opportunity for you to begin constructively reestablishing your “couplehood.”
Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing, and
even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help.
So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by
gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.”
Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this
from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best
“general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references
below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)
They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain.
Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant
and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to
Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are
storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a
dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even
themself. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel
this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.
Need to know:
They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited.
Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, BUT THEY NEED
INFORMATION TO PROCESS THEIR TRAUMA, MOVE THROUGH IT, AND MOVE PAST IT.
Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer
honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping
them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they
discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the
story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of
hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never
again be unfaithful.
They ask, "Why did you do this?" They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask
repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly.
Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry
of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t
stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you,
they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.
They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury.
They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbor a secret desire to do
harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon
them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your
affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients
described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as
the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at
me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”
A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from
this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to
know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt
and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of
Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, often even unlovable. Just
as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second
thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second
thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or
if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner,
even if they don’t ask.
Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and
false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.
Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to
stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality.
You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all
the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story –
the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or
significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.
Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They
long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.”
Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again.
Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and,
most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.
Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven't found new ones yet and don’t seem interested
in finding any. They feel they're not coping with grief "right" or they feel they should be
healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if
they will ever recover and feel better.
You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully
understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re
doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one
they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest
confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in
you over others.
Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t
be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your
paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early
stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in
smaller, more manageable amounts.
Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it
so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and
exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.
The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo,
exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused
about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themself.
Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that
hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.
Emotions in conflict:
This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the
same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct
description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD:
“One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the
healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they
are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their
The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how
difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer:
“On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged
with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.”
The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and
above all… keep talking.
Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever.
It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.
Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite
nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if
they will ever again experience life without the anguish.
Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails,
clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so
they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that
bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any
reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.
Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your
partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think
might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment
for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so
selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much
you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you
choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger
occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or
simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.
It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active
for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should
be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a
permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even
decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as
they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.
What else can you do to ease their pain and relieve their stress?
Make certain you’ve killed the beast:
Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your
marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you
probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any
marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they
divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance
and behave accordingly. This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift,
particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with
care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.
Get into therapy:
Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified
therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them
and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If either of you is uncomfortable with
your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then
stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counseling sessions. Your therapist will
provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so
often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where
you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not
daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative
periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect
setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.
Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too
often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses
develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel
meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following
discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed
spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying
everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so
very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want
to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.”
As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general
use” tool you have in your repair kit.
Realize your partner wants to feel better:
There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and
despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s
agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which
worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for
this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described
in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they
don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themself – and they
are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far
worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are
willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work.
Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and
that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.
Hide nothing, open everything:
While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved
with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and
deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there
was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have
difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them.
Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must
end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.
You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords
to your email accounts – yes, even that secret one they still don’t know about. Let them
bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse
open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and
delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your
phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with
your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think
they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into
your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If
your plans change, notify them immediately.
The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and
feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete
openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or
uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you
selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your
partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that
eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.
Spend lots time with them:
Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight,
the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you
feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need
to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you
must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but
expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offense when this happens. Instead, welcome
the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the
“Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being
They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to
get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so,
don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and
may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of
simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and
providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose
moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be
surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners
experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they
may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may
suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this
way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by
emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.
Share your feelings of guilt and shame:
If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of
being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and
question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have
badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though
verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express
these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your
partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear
it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the
repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know
that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure
again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.
Let them know you are happy with your choice to recommit:
You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious
anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them
ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and
then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of
us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give
second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated
by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the
opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised
how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to reestablish
the bond between you.
Here’s a great tip: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously
feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In
their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say,
“I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance.
Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed
of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do
anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments
me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”
These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these
1. A statement of gratitude
2. An expression of your love
3. An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain
4. An admission that you caused their pain
5. An expression of your sense of shame
6. A promise that it will never happen again
Unfaithful spouses I’ve counseled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best
thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.
So what are the next stages, after they work through all their grief,
pain and stress?
They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days
out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
They know they have a choice. Life won't be the same, but they decide to actively begin
building a new life.
They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.
They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.
Life Opens Up:
Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They
are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.
While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your
betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they
lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to
themself. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always. Rejoice in your renewed
commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!