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User Topic: Long Term Affair Thread XV
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Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are not alone. Talk to us... lots of empathetic ears/eyes here.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


i am so sorry for your pain, do you at least have a box of puffs plus, they are the best tissues out there...i had gotten to the point at one time when i carried them with me everywhere.....

its sucks when you feel like you do right now....

talk to us, let it out, vent, cry, slobber on your keyboard...we are here...

reallysad: gentle 2 x 4, he wants to know that when he is done playing he can come home, thats why he leaves some why does he get to decide...its either he want to be married or he doesn't and sweetie everything he does and says is big big no he doesn't want to be married.....later on he may change his mind, but why would you hang on to that...i think its time to cut him loose and more importantly cut yourself loose, you deserve so much better then this or him...

as for your mom, she may be feeling very displaced, i know my mom does not do change at all, i mean AT ALL....the older they get, the less they want change....and right now she is making it all about her if i read it correctly, she doesn't know what else to do...cut her some slack, nod your head, then come here and vent....

lost soul: how did it go today?

as always

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

REALLY SAD... There is a time when you move on... For me, it was alway if my wife wanted to S...

I have a feeling you are getting ready to have the time of your life! Make it so!

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 23030
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle - thanks for the "gentle" 2x4, some days I feel like I need an agressive concrete block! I know exactly what you are saying and you are dead on, I do deserve better and I don't think he wants to be married to's the "right nows" that he sometimes throw out there that drive me crazy because I honestly believe the day will come when he's kicking himself and I don't want to hang on to that...I just haven't quite figured out how to completely let go.
I'm having a hard time understanding much as we have a ton of history and some wonderful memories and there is still love...I don't much like him. He has done some horrible things and made some horribly selfish decisions about him, me and our M without so much as a second thought for me. I'm trying to figure out if I'm mourning and missing WH or the marriage and the relationship and the companionship? So maybe I'm missing the "role" more than the "man"? I'm not quite sure how to sort through those feelings and figure it out?
You are right about the Mom thing too and I know it and I love her dearly, she just pisses me off and frustrates me to now end lately and agreed, it gets worse with age. I will try and heed your advice and nod and vent here...thanks miracle!

Thanks Tryn....I hope you're right and thanks for the encouragement.

Tomorrow is our first meeting with the paralegal to start the ball rolling on the legal's going to be tough but I will get through it.

On a happier note I booked a vacation...a week in the Mayan Riviera of Mexico with 2 girlfriends for early November....sun, sand, pina coladas and guacamole...what more could a girl ask for???

Today is a good day, today is a day where I feel like I will land on my feet and I know I will be ok!

Hope everyone is well!

Truth whether good, bad or ugly can be dealt with. Hope on the other hand can be devastating!

Me - BS (37)
Him - WS (36)
Together - October 1991
Married - September 2005
DDay#1 - 12/29/08
DDay #2 - 02/21/09
His heart just isn't in it -

Posts: 162 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHat would constitute a LTA?

I am wondering if this is a proper thread for me to be in. I usually post in the OC support thread, but not all that much of a response in certain periods. But when I do post in the R or G thread, I feel like I get hammered sometimes because of OC, and FWH attitude sometimes.

How long did the A go on to be LTA?

Thanks for the advice...

S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi dreamer, iread your profile, quite a full plate you seem to have, and from what i read your wh was involved with her for over 2 years, twin babies too...

i am sorry that you feel hammered sometimes...i've been there, i try to remember that when i am being hammered its for the most part by people who care, and have for the most part good intentions, we are all here for the same basic reason, we are all suffering from the aftermath of infidelity and basically it sucks...

post away dreamer i hope we can help...and i will try to put my hammer away when i reply to you

reallysad: are you missing your husband the man or your husband the man you believed he was...for me i know it is the latter, because he is not nor was he ever who i thought he was....and thats a really hard realization at least for me it was and still is....

sometimes i think we build them up to be so much more then really are, we put so much into them and into our relationships and when it is not reciprocated we cannot understand why, after all why marry if the love is not true, and if its true something like this would never happen...

i for one certainly suffer from cinderella-itis....i really need to identify with a different character...can anyone reccommend another one...

and again about your mom, yes they drive us to the brink of insanity at times, but we love them dearly and need to remind ourselves over and over and over again,,,i find with my mom that sometimes if feels as though our roles are reversed, and then she goes back to being my mom the part time super hero, at least to me she is...and 5 minutes later i just nod and say o.k. mom....

as always


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, September 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sometimes i think we build them up to be so much more then really are, we put so much into them and into our relationships and when it is not reciprocated we cannot understand why, after all why marry if the love is not true, and if its true something like this would never happen...

Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. Sophia Loren (1934 - )

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 25338
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, September 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried really hard to not bring it up at all to him yesterday. And I didn't. I know we both can stand a break from talking about it (it's been about 6 weeks). However, my pain is still so deep. I really, really can't get over the fact that he left nothing for me... they did everything together and he told her he loved her. What is left for me to hold on to? I feel nothing.

He still continues his life. He gets to come home every night to his family and have dinner and watch movies and laugh.... isn't that crazy? He gets to laugh!! He gets his fantasy football lineup ready and spends last night enjoying the Yankees/ Boston game. His life has not changed at all. I feel I am allowing him his cake and eat it too. I feel so sad and down, but I put on a happy face for our kids. I can't stop crying when I am alone...but, I don't want him to see me crying (I am trying really hard to 180).

I'm sorry to ramble, I just don't feel like I have anything to hold on to and that I know what needs to happen, but putting that plan into motion is so hard. I will have to literally uproot my life. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I hate this....

[This message edited by brokenheart09 at 10:44 AM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

Me BS (33)
Him WH (35)
5 year LTA
DD:2/Twin sons: 8 months
DDay: 8/22/09 (his) & 9/8/09 (from her)
R: still deciding...

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2009
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, September 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broeknheart: your d-day is still really really new...the pain and devastation you feel is becasue you truly loved him...and that is not going to go away.....i am so sorry....

the only thing you can do is to learn to find a way to accept your new reality, find a way to live with what he's done....

try some meditation, get some books, not just friends is a really good first book....take some time for you, away from him, away from your kids...start taking baths, get into some kind of exersize program...

i won't lie, the pain will still be there, there will be times when it paralyzes you, but it does get better, you will start having better days...that 4 letter word we have all come to may not heal you but it will make it better....

i don't think about it every minute of every day anymore, it has gotten better that way, most of the time i don't break down with the sobbing find a way to cope...

do not let what he did destroy you...and if he is not remorseful, doing what he needs to do for you and your needs...then you need to do it for yourself....and if you end up healing yourself without his help your marriage will unlikely survive...and if it does survive it will be because you have decided to stay without having your needs met...

and some of us do just that, i am at this moment a walking example of that, i am staying because i am a mother first foremost...if my kids were adults or small enough, he would be out...

it really is still early for you though and you need to take your time making any permament decisions....

start living your life from a 20/20 hindsight point of view....

before you make any decision, make a list of everything that would go along with that decision and the worst possible outcomes from that decision...then make your CHOICE based on where you would have the least regrets....

its really not as hard as it sounds...the hardest part of it is letting go of things that matter, even when you know you have to, we all grow attached to things and even people...change is scary and sometimes fearful....

but no choice should be made until you are ready....

in the meantime, see your dr also, maybe he or she can perscribe something...i llike taking xanax when needed, i did not do well with the ad's,,,but the xanax is not something to take every day....

we are here when needed....

oh and get a box of puff plus...the only tissue to use when the crying is uncontrollable...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenheart09... iwantamiracle made an excellent post and I agree with her totally. Let me add from a technical point... Love is all brain… not really the heart, a metaphor. Although nobody really understands the chemical aspect of love, it is chemicals in the brain doing stuff.

I cannot remember if you are on AD’s? I went on AD in November and felt like they helped. I took them for 2 months and got off, thinking I was better. Started getting in to major depression again and got back on in July. The drug I am on is has helped people with both obsessive-compulsive and panic desorders. Studies have shown my drug helps decreasing the frequency of panic attacks by about 80% (vs. 45% for placebo) and decreasing general anxiety.

I have come to the reality that in life you must do things that make you happy… and need to help yourself. This is something some emailed me and I gave to my wife. I don't see a copyright on the paper so I assume it is ok to post.

Don't be afraid to give this to your H amd make it clear your pain. It is up to him to also work at this...

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse

A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand

You betrayed your partner. Now comes the fallout.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again.
But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at
least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for
the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to
moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable
pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can't sleep. They can't eat. Their thoughts are
obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the
drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and
their life until they feel like there's nothing left.

It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s
worse, you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll
get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first
by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never
think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers
are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress.

Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder
where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to
“normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time,
often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient,
empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and
honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel
shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your
spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital
partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express
your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your
spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding
from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage.

The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this
horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery. So, take a couple of deep breaths…
and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can bea positive influence on their recovery.
Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat
them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize,
understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.

Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from
one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t
be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added
some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there
may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse.
Act accordingly.

Section 1
The wild patchwork of emotions


They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can't be true. They don't believe
it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is
common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time
elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed
this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)


They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled.
They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient
concentration to their day-to-day lives.

"Oh my God. It really happened." They feel they're getting worse. Actually, reality has just
set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t
know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your
infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family.

Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone
they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never
accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging.
Commend them for seeking help.


They’re disoriented. They can't think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and
forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once
they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them.

Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate
their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their
confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.”
(Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

Physical Symptoms:
They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains,
numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal
tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive

system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the
symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to
rule out other causes.

Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control
of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to
restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If
they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into
a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide
opportunity for you to begin constructively reestablishing your “couplehood.”

Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing, and
even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help.

So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by
gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.”

Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this
from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best
“general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references
below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)


They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain.
Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant
and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to
regain equilibrium.

Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are
storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a
dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even
themself. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel
this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

Need to know:

They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited.
Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, BUT THEY NEED

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer
honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping
them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they
discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the
story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of
hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never
again be unfaithful.

They ask, "Why did you do this?" They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask
repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly.

Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry
of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t
stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you,
they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury.
They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbor a secret desire to do
harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”

Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon
them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your
affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients
described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as
the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at
me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from
this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to
know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt
and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of

Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, often even unlovable. Just
as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second
thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second
thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or
if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner,
even if they don’t ask.

Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and
false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to
stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality.

You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all
the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story –
the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or
significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They
long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.”

Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again.
Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and,
most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.


Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven't found new ones yet and don’t seem interested
in finding any. They feel they're not coping with grief "right" or they feel they should be
healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if
they will ever recover and feel better.

You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully
understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re
doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one
they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest
confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in
you over others.


Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t
be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your
paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early
stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in
smaller, more manageable amounts.

Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it
so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and
exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo,
exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused
about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themself.

Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that
hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

Emotions in conflict:

This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the
same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct
description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD:

“One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the
healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they
are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their

The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how
difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer:

“On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged
with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.”

The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and
above all… keep talking.

Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever.
It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.
Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite
nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if
they will ever again experience life without the anguish.

Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails,
clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so
they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that
bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any
reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your
partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think
might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment
for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so
selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much
you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you
choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger

occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or
simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active
for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should
be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a
permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even
decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as
they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

What else can you do to ease their pain and relieve their stress?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast:
Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your
marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you
probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any
marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they
divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance
and behave accordingly. This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift,
particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with
care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

Get into therapy:
Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified
therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them
and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If either of you is uncomfortable with
your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then
stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counseling sessions. Your therapist will
provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so
often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where
you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not
daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative
periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect
setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too
often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses
develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel
meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following
discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed
spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying
everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so
very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want
to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.”

As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general
use” tool you have in your repair kit.

Realize your partner wants to feel better:
There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and
despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s

agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which
worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for
this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described
in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they
don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themself – and they
are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far
worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are
willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work.
Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and
that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

Hide nothing, open everything:
While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved
with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and
deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there
was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have
difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them.
Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must
end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords
to your email accounts – yes, even that secret one they still don’t know about. Let them
bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse
open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and
delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your
phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with
your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think
they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into
your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If
your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and
feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete
openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or
uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you
selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your
partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that
eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

Spend lots time with them:
Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight,
the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you
feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need
to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you
must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but
expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offense when this happens. Instead, welcome
the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the
“Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being
trusted again.

Physical contact:
They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to
get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so,
don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and
may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of
simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and
providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose

moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be
surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners
experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they
may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may
suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this
way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by
emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

Share your feelings of guilt and shame:
If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of
being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and
question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have
badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though
verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express
these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your
partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear
it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the
repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know
that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure
again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

Let them know you are happy with your choice to recommit:
You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious
anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them
ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and
then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of
us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give
second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated
by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the
opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised
how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to reestablish
the bond between you.

Here’s a great tip: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously
feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In
their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say,

“I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance.
Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed
of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do
anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments
me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these

1. A statement of gratitude
2. An expression of your love
3. An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain
4. An admission that you caused their pain
5. An expression of your sense of shame
6. A promise that it will never happen again
Unfaithful spouses I’ve counseled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best
thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

Section 3

So what are the next stages, after they work through all their grief,
pain and stress?

They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days
out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.


They know they have a choice. Life won't be the same, but they decide to actively begin
building a new life.

They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.


They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

Life Opens Up:
Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They
are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your
betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they
lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to
themself. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always. Rejoice in your renewed
commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:14 AM, September 27th (Sunday)]

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryinhard....Thank you for that article. I copied it and may send it in an email to my husband.
We have not been doing very well lately....the arguments and angry words continue and the situation is escalating.
I am surprised.... I am 33 months post d-day.... January will be a full 3 yrs post d-day.
I thought we would be in a better place by now...but, seems like I was most hopeful 6 months post d-day...when I allowed my husband to move back home (he had pleaded for that from day 1)....
He had been open and willing to do anything and everything to save our marriage. He had gone to IC, MC, stopped drinking, attended AA, started going to church with me....
there was the hysterical bonding sex...the flowers, the gifts....
but, another change that happened was that he decided that now that he was back home... we were reconciled and...that any talk of the affair was counter, he would NEVER agree to talk about the affair or even the past again....
we must focus 100% on today and the future...that he is a changed man and everything is rosy as long as I never allow triggers to make me feel long as I never have the audacity to ask him a question about the affair or the OW ever again... all will be peaceful.
The only problem is...that his 5 yr long affair has devastated me... I am a changed person as well but not in the positive sense... I am overly sensitive I admit... I am sad much of the time, I question my sanity in staying with him and living with all of this sadness and anxiety....
and..we are arguing a lot... because the affair comes up a lot.... and he has stuck to his vow not to talk about it ...ever...which leaves me feeling sad, frustrated , hurt, unsatisfied, un heard..etc.etc.
On Thursday...we had a disagreement that escalated into a horrible mess.
It started out with me , at dinner in a restaurant, discussing my new supervisor at work... my husband ..instead of offering support and constructive suggestions ..immediately got into a lecture about how I was a negative, bitter , person...that I was overly critical... about this supervisor and that I need to change my way of thinking and looking at the world!
It was all about the character flaws that he sees in me!!!
(Meanwhile, other co-workers and friends who have heard the story of the incident with the supervisor do NOT see it as anything other than a situation that was handled poorly by the supervisor)
in addition...he justified going on this way with me because he said that I was going on and on with my negativity....
we were in the restaurant for a total of 20 min when this conversation took place... we needed to order and be seated suring this time a 15 min conversation is NOT going on and on.......

so..this is where I began to go off the deep end....
I always felt that one of the excuses he gave himself for allowing himself to have the affair was that I was critical and negative...(maybe it was because I was living with a functional alcholic ?...)

and... I also was triggered because I know for a fact that he spent months and months helping the OW/co-worker deal with problems with her boss....

so...big time triggers all around....

I am a mess... wrote my husband a long email about all of this...
what does he do?
ignore it completely...he deleted it... and never said a word to me about it.
I had spent 45 min writing this thing last night...pouring out my thoughts to him...
and..he refuses to talk about it!
He insists that this is my problem..that I can't let anything go...
He actually yelled this at me, as he stomped his feet, slammed his fist on a table, shook his fist in my face and ran out the door....

This is NOT where I thought I would be almost 3 yrs post d-day....

When I do not bring up anything controversial he is as meek as a lamb... kind, considerate, buying me jewelry etc.
as long as I don't cross that line he's OK....

I suggested MC again... to get a 3rd person's opinion on how we are arguing etc.
He absolutely refuses to go to anymore counseling.

I'm sorry if this post is too
long... or to negative or has too much venting in it...
I wasn't sure about the correct place to write about this mess...
But for me, the worst part of the affair is how long it went I felt like other LTA survivors would be able to help the most.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


first i am so sorry for your pain, and he should be too...

hon, you need to speak up for yourself as soon as you feel able need to put some must do, otherwise known as dealbreakers in place, or you will never heal and move on and this will end up being your existance until you change it or he does...and why should he get the choice...

basically printout that article that tryn posted and tell him that this is what he has to do...this is not a choice but a requirement and until this requirement is met you will not move forward and you will not let it go, you will not have peace therefore niether will he....if you are not ready for whatever reasons to separate from him again then you should be clear about what his inactions will bring out in you...and that is something you are already doing...just for petes sake please stop apologizing for how you feel, he is the one who needs to apologize over and over and over more excuses for him, stop justifying what he does ...there really isn't any...i am sorry to if this is coming across too harshly, i mean it to be a getnle 2x4 because you are so WORTH got that YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!


and tryn that article was superb...simply superb

lost soul: how are you? we are here, and if you need, pm me...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 8:41 PM, September 27th (Sunday)]

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in a very down mood. I just need someone to tell me it'll get better, but I haven't seen any imrovement in my WH. 21 years with X-W, who lied and cheated on him. So WH chose to lie and cheat on me just to have her back in his life and our marriage .I feel nothing but contempt for my WH. He won't leave and I don't feel like I should, but I can't live with him, I need to take care of my health.I had cancer and stress is not good for cancer.Like he cared about me . He took away all that was good in my life and now I am forced to leave my house. I hate my life

WH 60 ,EA with lying, cheating X-W
married 30yrs, betrayal #1 1983, #2 1986 & #3 1988(21 yrs)X-W
2 daughters(26 & 24)

Posts: 154 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: PA living with spouse
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Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


now I am forced to leave my house.

does this mean you have made a decision?....

things will get better, i just don't know how long it will take and what it will take...for each of us the road is long, the road has wide turns, winding, slippery, sometimes the road has detours....this is a journey..a really really long shitty journey....but i believe that when this particular destination is reached we will have arrived at a really beautiful "us"....our true selves will prevail...

we have been dealt a stacked deck....but that doesn't mean that we give means you find a way to work with what you have or you take a new hand....

for some of us the journey is a short one, although this particular journey depending on the destination may just be contiuation of the previous journey only via a new route per say....and for some of us it will be a long and hard one.....

we can suffer from some flats, dead batteries, overheating and even some combustion....but we need to keep on truckin....

sometimes when i start an analogy from my dime store diploma i get carried i apologize for my sometimes poor taste in my analogies, fair warning though i as sure will do it again...can't help myself...

as always

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm lurking... just nothing to contribute to anyone else's healing but empathy and supportive hugs.

We off to see our grandson on the west coast today. I'll try to keep in touch.

(((IWAM))) (((LTA)))

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

immediately got into a lecture about how I was a negative, bitter , person...that I was overly critical... about this supervisor and that I need to change my way of thinking and looking at the world!
That sounds like the old me... I might would have told my wife something like that before today. Of course I WAS always perfect. (yeh right). Maybe he should worry about himself verses telling others how to live life... njgal480, you have every right to be upset. If he was with a new woman, you think he would of said that? Hell no! he'd been saying, "oh sweetie I am so sorry" blah blah blah... yes, he needs some help. If you are going to make it, you both have to find a way to start loving each other again... How can you make that happen?

Some choices are hard... some are easy.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks trynhard - that whole article was so insightful. I printed it and gave to FWH to read at his own leisure. I hope he does because he is still in that "why can't we just put it behind us and move forward and make "us" work" phase. It sickens me. He knows good and well that if the situation was reversed, he'd be out the door...or at least treating me like shit! I still cook, clean and take care of our family (which includes newborns and a 2 year old) and he wants me to just push this ultimate betrayal out of my mind and "get over it"! UGGGG! I hope the article helps him....

Anyway, the days(and nights) are no better. We still fight all the time and he is still blameshifting. I am miserable and feel physically sick to my stomach most of the day. I have no respect for him and I can't look him in the eyes.

How can he say he loved me while he was fostering love with someone else? Not just the sex, but "i love yous" really get me.

Me BS (33)
Him WH (35)
5 year LTA
DD:2/Twin sons: 8 months
DDay: 8/22/09 (his) & 9/8/09 (from her)
R: still deciding...

Posts: 78 | Registered: Aug 2009
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Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I emailed a copy of the article to my husband. He announced to me this morning...that he had read it.
Then a few minutes later he repeated some of the suggested phrases...he said he was sorry he has caused me all this pain..etc.
But, then...later in the day when I tried to discuss the argument with him again....
he became angry and tried to do everything he could to avoid the discussion.
My purpose in bringing it up was not to upset him and balme him for ruining my life he always says...
I wanted to use this particular argument as an example of how our communication can go so wrong and spiral into an emotional upheaval. I was hoping that he could see how and why I was triggered... and IMHO how he could have diffused the whole thing by just saying a few sentences in regard to the affair?the OW. he got more and more upset that we were discussing this again....
he blurted out that he thought that everything in that article was a bunch of crap. And everyone who advises that is crazy. That the only way to move forward is to not to continue going over and over the past.
I also love when he brings up how long......... this has been going on (my struggling since d-day). He doesn't realize that comment is a trigger for me.... because I agree... 2 yrs 8 months since d-day is a long time....but its only about 1/2 as long as his affair!!!!
I don't know....maybe it's time for me to go back into IC and/or back on A/D meds....
I just hate that he caused all of this and I am the one that has to take meds etc.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really Sad:
I know it isn't easy to see, but in some way your WH has made things a more cut and dried situation for you. It seems he is pretty clear on what he wants and is moving on. I hesitate to use the word "easier" because it is never "easier", but sounds like he is out of the fog...he knows what he wants and it isn't the same thing you want.
You just telling yourself that you are smarter and prettier and doggone it, people like you!!! and someday you will believe it, and not only that, you will look back at him with pity for not being able to see what he had and threw away....
Huggs and love...

me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
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