I could use some specific advice from those of you who have been where I am.
The books and Cosa tell me I shouldn't decide anything for a year (roughly)
My WW is acting out, is verbally abusive, is flagrant. She wont admit anything but her lies are ridiculously transparent.
She blames me for all her problems and seemingly has no doubt she is entitled.
We are mature, very mature both over 60. Married 21 years. She has been gambling for the last 9 and has been progressively accelerating her sex addiction the last 5 months. She has gone from porn, to webcam to cell phone, to accepting invitations to fly and meet guys she met on the porn site. She is usually the aggressor. (I have a key logger)
She is kind of classic in that she was abused as a child (gang raped) and again as a teenager by her PSYCHIATRIST. Also a dysfunctional family several siblings are addicts and or alcoholics.
MY codependency issues are with her only but they have been classic as well. I am learning how to deal with myself and am not creating a hostile environment (I did for a while)
Anybody want to predict the probabilities here? Or give me some advice or tell me a success story? I don't want a divorce but I sure don't want this.
I read they have to "hit bottom" what is bottom for a female sex addict? She isn't going to get arrested and the guys pay her way.
I love this forum, very knowledgable folks who have been there. Help me if you can and have time. TY :)
My psychiatrist has help me to see where my co-dependence came from. I have always known what it was, but didn't think I fit that description.I see where I had a mild case from my family of origin FOO, but It increased over time with bad relationships..this M being the worse. can you imagine my First M, dream wedding beautiful child and I married a SA...they can't even commit!
I am trying to gain my footing by leaving; S-ing. But I fear his manipulation will lock me into a bad situation legally. Should I want DS spending so much time with an SA, Sab, passive agressive manipulator!
Well his manipulation is swaying me that way.
Well, I figure the D papers are already written if S doesn't work out, I will file D...I have a year.
I have just finished the best book I have read to date on CoSAD. Maybe you have it maybe you don't? "Mending a Shattered Heart" by Stefanie Carnes
Great information and very logically presented.
AFter reading her book I am better able to put other things I have read on the forums and other books in perspective. The sections on leave or don't leave were eye opening for me.
Also my SA wife is manipulative, verbal abusive, and if anything seems at all off base it is and was entirely my fault :)
I assume some of my CODA is the result of learning to avoid the tongue lashings (her sex addiction is recent but her gambling is years old)
I am changing my act this week. Trying to build new habits.
I've not been in your exact situation, but I've lived with an SA. I don't buy into the do nothing for a year thing while the addict is actively using and denying their addiction. Sure, maybe ayear once they recognize the addiction, begin getting sober, get into a recovery program.
Right now, your W is on a path of distruction. She's using marital assets and exposing you to lord only knows what kinds of people, dangers and diseases. It sure doesn't seem like good self care to just sit there for a year.
At a minimum, if it were me, I'd do something to protect my assets (legal sep?), move to separate quarters, even if it in the same house, refrain from any sexual activity, etc.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
What do you think will bring a female SA to the bottom? Maybe some dread std ( I don't need that obviously)
She doesnt want to have sex with me right now anyway but I certainly cant now without std testing on her.
Wat a nightmare. I need this at my age like I need , well teh clap or something. Besides I love her dammit. And I just teared up typing that :(
I don't think I am a co-dependant, even though all the books say that by definition, because I am with an addict I must be one. Something you said stuck out to me:
The books etc seem to say I will never get her attention until she crashes.
Right now, it really, sadly , isn't as important that you get her attention. What is important is that you recognize her illness is right here, right now. That should get your own attention, and you should prioritize taking care of yourself. Pretend that she is NEVER going to get sober and treatment. So what do YOU need to do for YOU if that is the case.
Lord only knows what or when is gonna give her her "Come to Jesus" moment. You can't afford to not take care of yourself in the meantime.
I'm so sorry, brother, I do know your pain.
I may or may not be codependent. What I do know is that I am in a relationship with a SA. He is going to SA & SAA & I'm going to S-Anon. We're both new at this. I am going to the meetings because I think it might help & because the books say I must be a co-addict if I am with him.
There is a forum in "I Can Relate" for spouses of sex addicts. Do you know it? I get a lot of help there.
Also there are CSATs which are certified sex addiction therapists that can help you with therapy whether she chooses to go or not. They can help you set boundaries & consequences. Perhaps a separation will be her bottom.
I don't think it's healthy to do it or other boundaries to manipulate her because a SA cannot be controlled. It is a good idea to protect yourself though & if you don't want to live with an active SA (I know I don't) then what do you have to lose?
Sorry you're in this situation.
[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 2:56 AM, May 24th (Sunday)]
Seems like there's a lot of us here crossing over from the Spouses of Sex Addicts forum (goes hand-in-hand, doesn't it?).
I'm also new to realizing just how codependent I am. I'm also seeing how I have codependent issues from my FOO, which was a surprise to me (happy childhood). My H is a recently-diagnosed-yet-unable-to-admit-to SA. I'm trying to let him own those issues and trying to work on finding myself again. We are both seeing a group of CSATS (separately for now) and I just joined a group (run by CSAT) for codependents. It's really been an eye-opener, but every day continues to be a struggle as I analyze, adjust, and try to change 38 years of bad behaviors.
So glad the mods opened this forum!
It's been about 3 weeks since I cut off most contact with my WH (suspected SA). We're separated, but talked several times a day. Anyway, he has been going to SLAA meeting and IC (at least that is what he tells me), but found out he is still seeing OW and doesn't think he is acting out since he isn't trolling on the net right now.
This week I hit my low. I'm so depressed. I'm living with my folks and looking for work, and I just am not able to function. I'm so sad that he won't do the work to heal from this and all the stuff I'm learning is driving me nuts. I need to detach and I was doing ok, but now I'm just lost again.
He's SA, Sab, emotionally abussed, passive agressive, manipulitve, NIT NPD, but definately a boarderline personality disorder.
sigh, i really am codependant when the self-help books send me over the edge.
This book seems like expert analysis based on comparing the book with the individual sories I have read here, heard in Cosa, and lived myself.
I am also loving the daily readings in Melody Beatties book; "The Language of Letting Go"
But if you are in Coda you may have this already?
Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm not in CODA. I did go to my first COSA meeting last night, but didn't get any books just some handouts
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie is a GREAT book. I was so moved by today's reading and I wondered how I let myself become undisciplined to neglect reading the daily writings when they always inspire me so much.
I'll check it out.
My H or STBXH (who knows) is a recovering alcoholic. He sobered up in August 2007. I am co-dependent. My question - is it common for the addict to be SA too?
[This message edited by SadMommie at 11:01 AM, May 26th (Tuesday)]
"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey
"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu
Multiple addictions are very common among the addicted. Alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex........pick out what applies. Is the fact that your H an alcoholic mean he necessarily is SA, no. But he MAY likely have more than one addiction besides alcohol.