I can't go into a lot of detail, but I am particularly proud of myself tonight. I became codependent after meeting my husband and both of us having a lot of health problems. I ended up being the caregiver for both of us, which meant I stopped taking care of myself. Well, today, I didn't do that!
He choose to put off the doctor for months despite me urging him to go. Today, he finally went. I didn't go. Why should I have to sit there for hours waiting because he didn't do the things he was supposed to do weeks ago? I DON'T. Today, He was at the doc picking up after his own mess instead of me being there doing it for him.
I can't control him. It sucks for him, but I feel good about me :)
My counselor, at the time instructed me to go to the meetings....It is almost like a 12 step program and you get the coins for the time you put into it...I still have the coins...
There are times I wish I could find another meeting in my area...I still have the books and at times go back and read them...
I don't want to ever go back to that craziness I lived in...If it means for me to grow old by myself it is better than being that way again...IMOA...
You should never put a person, except God or your child before yourself...
I will get off of my soapbox now.....
My post is the first in the thread so I thought I might post a quick update. Since that moment in 2009 much water is over the bridge. My wife made a couple of half hearted attempts to control her gambling addiction with no success, she never faced her sexual addiction.
She passed away of breast cancer in November 2011. Regardless of the turmoil our life had been, her passing was devastating for me. This summer and fall I dated a woman I really like but she is not really interested in anything beyond just socializing so it isn't going to go anywhere.
Now more than a year after my wifes death I live alone. No drama, no lies, but also no company around the house.
I continue to attend my COSA group, I strongly recommend those reading this find COSA, S-Anon, or similar support group. I eventually figured out that while I didn't cause her behavior and I couldn't cure it- I could look deeply into my own patterns and take better care of myself and any relationships I am lucky enough to find.
I think it is the human condition to own emotional scars and troubling memories. For me, I hope to help create a comfortable and mutually happy relationship with one good woman before I die. Mebbe won't make it because of my age but I still think I should try to have what I want.
The best of luck to everyone in this forum who is sincerely trying to work through a bad time. My group is very helpful and supportive. I recommend you try it.
Can a codependent person be codependent with certain people and exclude others from their codependent behaviors ?
I am asking because I can see where my WH is codependent in relationships with other people outside our marriage. In our marriage, I don't see it. Maybe I am too close to the relationship to see it?? I just don't know if that is possible so I am asking. Thanks for any insight you may bring.
X jumped right on that label for a while, and continued to avoid addressing his alcoholism and sex addiction.
That said I DO know another couple of recovering addicts who are codependent as well. I think there could be some codependency as you describe.
ETA: Darnit - this post is supposed to be about me!! I'm leaving this in as an example of how I turn every conversation to him. (IRL when people ask me about me I usually end up turning it, within a few sentences, into a conversation about him). Back to our regularly scheduled post...
Now that I've spent the last 8 months obsessing over his recent/current affair I've come to learn (thanks to a lot of reading on SI where the Beattie book is often recommended) that I'm definitely codependent. In the past I've explained myself to others using language/rationale that was definitely describing codependent behavior but just not calling that until now.
I know that my spouse has narcissistic traits (he scores high on the NPI but is not an NPD). Narcissism + Codependents are magnets to eachother.
I pored through half of CoDependent No More this weekend and have read the workbook (read that first because I only noticed that on the shelf and had to go back for the non-workbook book.) :)
I don't thinking I'm looking for anything from this post other than sort of using it as a journal entry. I just need to keep reading, keep focusing on me, and keep trudging along.
I just found this ICR thread this morning so tonight I'll read it from the beginning.
Thanks for listening and posting your stories.
[This message edited by JustAShadow at 11:53 AM, March 25th (Monday)]
I can identify with so much you said about yourself.
In the past I've explained myself to others using language/rationale that was definitely describing codependent behavior but just not calling that until now
This was so me when I was young. Do you ever wonder how many people looked at you while you were on your rant just knowing how co-dependent we were?
I have REALLY been working hard to break my behaviors. My father died an alcoholic when I was 10. My mother passed away when I was 6 of breast cancer. I look back at so many dysfunctional issues going on in my family that it's a wonder I have made it this far.
Breaking these behaviors has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Living with a sex addict and an emotional abuser was a cake walk compared to actually stopping the need to take care of someone's emotions AND their livelihood.
Good luck on your journey. Keep posting.
Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!
Has anyone heard of Peter Gurlach? His website is called breaking the cycle and he has over 100 youtube videos. He gives free lessons to help. The site is difficult to navigate, but once you get the hang of it, it's fantastic. He 'gets it' and gives so much of his time for free.
Yeah, I just found out that in addition to his numerous faults, my xWH is also an addict who is relying on me to reappear in his life so I can fix it.
We can't let these dogs drag us into a nightmare of their own making just because we have a codependency problem. We didn't make them be unfaithful bastards, and we sure as shit didn't make them addicts. The only thing we should feel guilty about is wasting time on ungrateful pigs.
“I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).”
– Thought Industry
Part of breaking out is finding your true core self and living THAT life, being THAT person. Learning how to truly give with no expectations, give, stop and back away. Not expecting anything in return. Not expecting them to "take you up on it" and then "don't" and end up getting your feelings hurt and not feeling loved. Learn to stop "smothering" the people in your life trying to find that love you THINK you need.
Only when you love yourself, respect yourself and nurture yourself can you get out of the co-dependent trap.
It's difficult, it's focusing on you and your actions and making that change.
I am Sagittarius01, and I am an Co-Dependent.
I am actually relieved to find myself "self-diagnosed". Now I can learn and research into my issues. My co-de issues stem from my childhood. Both of my parents were alcoholics and I became the caretaker of my younger brother who unfortunately has severe anger issues from said childood. Growing up, it was very hard. Although, I brushed my own feelings aside to please others, it quickly became extremely hard to say no.
Now, I'm in a downward spiral of a relationship with my significant other, who probably has some Co-De issues of his own due to FOO issues, also add a dash of anger management and a pinch of NPD makes the ultimate "Can't help but look at the head on collision about to happen" situation. Right now, I am listening to YouTube videos and 9 out of 10 steps of what a Co-De is, I am. I am obsessed with my S/O, I don't want him to leave. I endure such emotional and physical abuse but I stay. Why? I keep telling myself I need to change to make it better for him. If I only crawl out of my shell, he will stay. Right now, I feel so defeated. I constantly walk on eggshells around him as to not upset him. I put him on such a high pedestal I disregard my own feelings. He is such a manipulator that every arguement is all my fault. I admit that I put on a fake smile every single day because I'm too ashamed to admit I'm being emotinally and physically abused at home.
I am suchs a mess I am just rambling and not making any sense at all. I'm going to go cry now.