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User Topic: Codependant Support Thread
QVee
♀ Member
Member # 34670
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm QVee and I used to be a codependent. I say "used to be" cause F that shit, I'm not putting myself last anymore. After March 2011, and we entered MC, I started putting my foot down.

I can't go into a lot of detail, but I am particularly proud of myself tonight. I became codependent after meeting my husband and both of us having a lot of health problems. I ended up being the caregiver for both of us, which meant I stopped taking care of myself. Well, today, I didn't do that!

He choose to put off the doctor for months despite me urging him to go. Today, he finally went. I didn't go. Why should I have to sit there for hours waiting because he didn't do the things he was supposed to do weeks ago? I DON'T. Today, He was at the doc picking up after his own mess instead of me being there doing it for him.

I can't control him. It sucks for him, but I feel good about me :)


BS: me 30yrs
WS: 33 yrs
Relationship: 6 yrs, married 2
"When they try to make you an extra in their movie, LEAVE THE THEATRE!"

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Mordor
inhishands55
♀ Member
Member # 9454
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I use to go to Coda meetings...If you can find them, please go...They were a wonderful help...You see yourself in others when they are describing what they do for their spouse or SO...

My counselor, at the time instructed me to go to the meetings....It is almost like a 12 step program and you get the coins for the time you put into it...I still have the coins...

There are times I wish I could find another meeting in my area...I still have the books and at times go back and read them...

I don't want to ever go back to that craziness I lived in...If it means for me to grow old by myself it is better than being that way again...IMOA...

You should never put a person, except God or your child before yourself...

I will get off of my soapbox now.....


Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: The Tarheel State, in the mts.
Why??
♀ Member
Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, November 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time flies, in the process of recommending this forum to a lady who is new to our COSA group I was browsing and ran across this thread.

My post is the first in the thread so I thought I might post a quick update. Since that moment in 2009 much water is over the bridge. My wife made a couple of half hearted attempts to control her gambling addiction with no success, she never faced her sexual addiction.

She passed away of breast cancer in November 2011. Regardless of the turmoil our life had been, her passing was devastating for me. This summer and fall I dated a woman I really like but she is not really interested in anything beyond just socializing so it isn't going to go anywhere.

Now more than a year after my wifes death I live alone. No drama, no lies, but also no company around the house.

I continue to attend my COSA group, I strongly recommend those reading this find COSA, S-Anon, or similar support group. I eventually figured out that while I didn't cause her behavior and I couldn't cure it- I could look deeply into my own patterns and take better care of myself and any relationships I am lucky enough to find.

I think it is the human condition to own emotional scars and troubling memories. For me, I hope to help create a comfortable and mutually happy relationship with one good woman before I die. Mebbe won't make it because of my age but I still think I should try to have what I want.

The best of luck to everyone in this forum who is sincerely trying to work through a bad time. My group is very helpful and supportive. I recommend you try it.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has been told he is codependent by our mc. I have looked through this thread and it seems to be for the actual codependent person. I have a question but if it is not allowed I understand. I will be asking the mc this but we do not have another appointment scheduled until the second week in January due to the holidays and travel.


Can a codependent person be codependent with certain people and exclude others from their codependent behaviors ?

I am asking because I can see where my WH is codependent in relationships with other people outside our marriage. In our marriage, I don't see it. Maybe I am too close to the relationship to see it?? I just don't know if that is possible so I am asking. Thanks for any insight you may bring.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 15th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think our MC told my X NPD SA that he might have some codependency issues. I looked puzzled at the time, but I suppose he might. He is an adult child of an alcoholic.

X jumped right on that label for a while, and continued to avoid addressing his alcoholism and sex addiction.

That said I DO know another couple of recovering addicts who are codependent as well. I think there could be some codependency as you describe.


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Aug 2010
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About 7 or 8 years ago a friend suggested that I was codependent in my relationship with my spouse. I didn't think too long about that because my spouse isn't an addict and I thought you had to have addiction in the relationship to be codependent. SIDE NOTE: My spouse DOES have an addictive personality and has an alcoholic mother and had an alcoholic brother (deceased) however his 'addictions' are not maladaptive (caffeine, cologne, over the counter sleeping meds...slightly maladaptive on that one).

ETA: Darnit - this post is supposed to be about me!! I'm leaving this in as an example of how I turn every conversation to him. (IRL when people ask me about me I usually end up turning it, within a few sentences, into a conversation about him). Back to our regularly scheduled post...

Now that I've spent the last 8 months obsessing over his recent/current affair I've come to learn (thanks to a lot of reading on SI where the Beattie book is often recommended) that I'm definitely codependent. In the past I've explained myself to others using language/rationale that was definitely describing codependent behavior but just not calling that until now.


I know that my spouse has narcissistic traits (he scores high on the NPI but is not an NPD). Narcissism + Codependents are magnets to eachother.

I pored through half of CoDependent No More this weekend and have read the workbook (read that first because I only noticed that on the shelf and had to go back for the non-workbook book.) :)

I don't thinking I'm looking for anything from this post other than sort of using it as a journal entry. I just need to keep reading, keep focusing on me, and keep trudging along.

I just found this ICR thread this morning so tonight I'll read it from the beginning.

Thanks for listening and posting your stories.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 11:53 AM, March 25th (Monday)]


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 3rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Shawdow,

I can identify with so much you said about yourself.

In the past I've explained myself to others using language/rationale that was definitely describing codependent behavior but just not calling that until now

This was so me when I was young. Do you ever wonder how many people looked at you while you were on your rant just knowing how co-dependent we were?

I have REALLY been working hard to break my behaviors. My father died an alcoholic when I was 10. My mother passed away when I was 6 of breast cancer. I look back at so many dysfunctional issues going on in my family that it's a wonder I have made it this far.

Breaking these behaviors has been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Living with a sex addict and an emotional abuser was a cake walk compared to actually stopping the need to take care of someone's emotions AND their livelihood.

Good luck on your journey. Keep posting.


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone.
Over the years, I tried to minimize and deny that I had any real problems. But I do admit now that I am codependent. I have been sailing through my adult years in an unaware state, and latching onto other wounded souls in an effort to keep minimizing my own pain.
I always used to say that you can't blame your parents for everything. But it's not blaming; they were wounded too! The cycle has to break somewhere and it's going to start with me.
My father was a high functioning alcoholic. I think that's the first time I've ever written or said that. One night he drove home drunk with us kids in the car (yes, they brought us out while they partied. I guess finding a babysitter was out of the question?). Right before we got home, he swerved too much around a corner and almost crashed into a house. Again, since then, I've denied that this was in any way a big deal. By the way, I'm 36 and don't have my license.
Both of my parents were extremely unavailable emotionally. I have never heard "I love you" from my mother. My dad said it once, and I almost couldn't deal with it. It made me so uncomfortable.
I am so tired of feeling unlovable and picking partners who can't commit. I'm so tired of thinking I can fix others just by loving them. It's time to help myself.

Has anyone heard of Peter Gurlach? His website is called breaking the cycle and he has over 100 youtube videos. He gives free lessons to help. The site is difficult to navigate, but once you get the hang of it, it's fantastic. He 'gets it' and gives so much of his time for free.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2013
PointMan
♂ Member
Member # 38577
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello I'm Pointman and I'm a codependent.
I have an addiction to my wife. I adored her and would have done anything for her. There was a time that I thought this was an admirable trait. No longer.
After my wifes A and the agonizing months that followed I realized that I had lost myself. Over the years I had allowed myself to be manipulated by her. I had allowed another person to totally destroy me.
Live many others on this thread I read "Codependent no more" and felt like it was written for me.
Im healing and recovering but I am codependent.


DDay: 1/16/13
ME: 49
WW: 43
2 boys: 9 and 13
Trying to R.
Married 15 years.
"keeping the faith"

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: NE
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone looked into the 16 steps program? It looks wonderful, but no meetings in my area unfortunately.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few nights ago, SAWH told me that if I left him, all he would have were his addictions. I immediately felt guilty and thought "I can't leave him when he's actually trying to recover."
He cheats, I feel guilty. So tired of this.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2013
DecadeCentrifuge
♂ New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@sadone

Yeah, I just found out that in addition to his numerous faults, my xWH is also an addict who is relying on me to reappear in his life so I can fix it.

We can't let these dogs drag us into a nightmare of their own making just because we have a codependency problem. We didn't make them be unfaithful bastards, and we sure as shit didn't make them addicts. The only thing we should feel guilty about is wasting time on ungrateful pigs.


Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).
Thought Industry


Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm Whatdoto and I am co-dependent. I've found thru IC the Enneagram Therapy (which my IC is thoroughly trained in) and it is working. It is dramatically helping me to get back to the real me, the healthy giver, the healthy loving, caring person that I was and now I am trying to be.

Part of breaking out is finding your true core self and living THAT life, being THAT person. Learning how to truly give with no expectations, give, stop and back away. Not expecting anything in return. Not expecting them to "take you up on it" and then "don't" and end up getting your feelings hurt and not feeling loved. Learn to stop "smothering" the people in your life trying to find that love you THINK you need.

Only when you love yourself, respect yourself and nurture yourself can you get out of the co-dependent trap.

It's difficult, it's focusing on you and your actions and making that change.

Peace
WDT



"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Sagittarius01
♀ Member
Member # 33643
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,

I am Sagittarius01, and I am an Co-Dependent.

I am actually relieved to find myself "self-diagnosed". Now I can learn and research into my issues. My co-de issues stem from my childhood. Both of my parents were alcoholics and I became the caretaker of my younger brother who unfortunately has severe anger issues from said childood. Growing up, it was very hard. Although, I brushed my own feelings aside to please others, it quickly became extremely hard to say no.
Now, I'm in a downward spiral of a relationship with my significant other, who probably has some Co-De issues of his own due to FOO issues, also add a dash of anger management and a pinch of NPD makes the ultimate "Can't help but look at the head on collision about to happen" situation. Right now, I am listening to YouTube videos and 9 out of 10 steps of what a Co-De is, I am. I am obsessed with my S/O, I don't want him to leave. I endure such emotional and physical abuse but I stay. Why? I keep telling myself I need to change to make it better for him. If I only crawl out of my shell, he will stay. Right now, I feel so defeated. I constantly walk on eggshells around him as to not upset him. I put him on such a high pedestal I disregard my own feelings. He is such a manipulator that every arguement is all my fault. I admit that I put on a fake smile every single day because I'm too ashamed to admit I'm being emotinally and physically abused at home.

I am suchs a mess I am just rambling and not making any sense at all. I'm going to go cry now.


Posts: 97 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: AZ
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