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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Codependant Support Thread
comatose
♂ Member
Member # 29798
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, January 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, my name is Comatose and I think I belong here...

I just can't take life without WW.... In general ATM you have a thread explaining recent events and why I'm trying to do a 180, we are talking S and inside I'm dying. I have absolutely no will to do anything, and no ressources to get into much needed counseling.
I'd love some tips on how to get through this part.


ME:ONS w/ex 10/2000,3y on/off PA but no sex A w/ a much younger(UA) girl.Epiphany->became a good guy
BW/WW(her):LTAsexual with coworker 14 y older
An affair turn minds into prisons and a whole life to one continuous panicked breath(kbird)

Posts: 414 | Registered: Oct 2010
tsol25
♀ Member
Member # 29461
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Schmoopie, I'm not sure if you're ready here still but if you are that post was a amazing. I clicked with the intention of asking what code was, I was at a bookstore a few days ago and picked co dependent no more. I skimmed through it waiting to go to work and it seemed so much like me (in what little I read). Ill have to order it on amazon tonight when I get home. I haven't read all of the posts here because my bb si reading is making my eyes sore but I'm sure I should


me - tsol, that's all for now

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Canada
runningscared
♀ New Member
Member # 30425
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, January 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Comatose - are you still around? Have things picked up any? Can you get yourself to an Al-Anon group? They'll be working on many of the same issues as a CoDA group would. Or have a look at the Recovery Nation website and start working through the Partners Workbook. Both are so supportive and reaffirming. They're really helping me.

And please, keep posting - there are people here for you; it's just that this particular page is a bit quiet!


Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2010
plzwakeme
♀ Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, I'm not 100% sure that I belong here, but a lot of what I've been reading about CODA seems a lot like me and my situation with FWH.

At the time of DDay, FWH admitted that he has been abusing alcohol for years while traveling for work. He would drink minimally at home (we would both have 2, at most 3 glasses of wine most evenings together), but as soon as he got on the road he'd be drinking himself into blackouts sometimes 1-3 nights a week. This led to him choosing to hang out with a terrible group of co-workers who all whored around together, leading him into an EA with MOW#1 and a PA/EA with MOW#2 over the space of two years. He also admitted to boundary issues and several almost ONSs in years prior to that.

He will start IC this Friday, so I don't know or understand much of anything just yet. Fortunately for me I received a ton of great information from SI members yesterday on a thread I started asking about R and addiction issues in the WS. One person suggested I check into the Beattie books, which I ordered last night.

I have what might be a misplaced question. Have anyone else's MC or FWS IC suggested adult ADHD or ADD as a possibility for the addictive behaviors?


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
INeedMoreCoffee
♀ Member
Member # 30820
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plz,

I am glad you said that because I have been evaluating the role of AD/HD in our problem too.

I am a blue collar expert on AD/HD. Meaning that, I have years of schooling, conferences, studying, behind me, plus two kids with the disorder. But I'm not published and ain't got no Ph.D.

From everything that I know about AD/HD, I firmly believe that it is a large factor in my husband's behavior. No, it's not WHY he cheated, but it's WHY he has the problems he does. When you look at AD/HD from the perspective of Dr. John Brown, who presents AD/HD as a deficit of all executive functions, it fits. AD/HDers have a very difficult time regulating emotions.

To complicate matters, I've got a 40 year old AD/HDer here who has never been treated. HIs mother has "never seen a problem" with him...even though she's had to bail him out financially hundreds of times because he was too disorganized to manage finances.

My WH will begin IC shortly (work schedules and travel haven't allowed it yet this month). All of the therapists I have recommended to him specialize in adult AD/HD. I feel like it's such a strong issue that it can't be overlooked.

Treatment options for adult AD/HD are wide, varying, but typically very successful.



Posts: 618 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, January 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't think this thread would be where I belonged but after reading a book ... called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie I swear it's me to the letter.

I'll have to elaborate more later as I have to get to my class soon but .. I am glad there is somewhere I can go to chat now.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
runningscared
♀ New Member
Member # 30425
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to you all - it's good to get some conversation going. I learnt a big lesson this weekend. In the UK, there's been a series recently which a photographer follows a bear and her cub for a year. Quite often, he'd get a bit cocky, get a bit close and the mama bear would growl a bit.

Well, my H has been in recovery about 6 weeks now and this weekend we had a bit of a breakthrough and started getting a bit more intimate with each other. Even better, I was enjoying it and actually feeling good! Then yesterday, I find out that his trip with the boys at the beginning of Feb has been postponed. (I've booked a week away in Spain to coincide.) He was anticipating a reaction from me so he delivered the news quite coldly - arms crossed, dramatic language etc. I think I took the news quite well but, after he'd left the room, I was a wreck for about an hour! Finally managaed to detach , recite the Serenity Prayer over and over, and accept that I just had to get on with my life and, if he relapses, he relapses.

But what a fool me - thinking things could turn right that easily and quickly.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, January 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what a fool me - thinking things could turn right that easily and quickly.

I have read that codependents are eternally optimistic. I know I see that in me now. I used to see my husband drink tons every night. I'd wake up the next morning and hope that today would be the day he didn't drink!

I see it now with the cheating as well.

I'm glad to see this thread get moving. I'm reading the "Codependent No More" book now. I've marked the characteristics in the book, as o, 1 or 2, depending on how well they apply to me, both for before I found out about the cheating and after. That's been kinda' interesting. It's good to see that there's improvement now. At least I am not repressing anything!


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
plzwakeme
♀ Member
Member # 30645
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

INeedMore: Thanks for the support. Another SI member recommended that an AD/HD label for him be held off until he's been sober for at least a year. He's 3 months sober now and starting IC tomorrow. I'm really curious about what will come of the IC for him. He's been dragging his feet towards it since DDay #1, but after DDay #2 I made it a mandatory condition of R. He has moments where he realizes he needs IC and then moments where he's kind of pissy about it and skeptical if it can really help him. Fortunately he had a bad mental experience at his sales meeting party night last night that I think has opened his mind a bit more.

I just started "Codependent No More" yesterday. I'm only on chapter 2, but I am already feeling like I am reading a book about me. While I haven't always sought out relationships that focused on addiction, I have always chosen the boyfriend or friend who seems to "need" me. In addition to trying to learn about codependancy, I've also been looking into love/approval addiction. Does anyone know if these are considered the same thing? I'm not far enough into the Codependent book to feel like I understand for sure.


Me BW 37, Him STBXH 38
Married 13 years, hoping to NOT make it to 14
DDay 1 10/21/10
4 MOW & many ONS attempts
Heading towards S/D NOT SOON ENOUGH!
"What the caterpillar calls the end, a butterfly calls the beginning." ~ Lao Tzu

Posts: 574 | Registered: Jan 2011
grace104
♀ New Member
Member # 31211
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I must be the reigning queen of co-dependency. My H has had more A than I can count. He has been a drug addict for years. His last EA, which they claim was not a PA, but I'm not convinced has had me in an obsessive mode for over a year. I found an emotional e-mail, and it had devastated me, so why oh why have I gone into hyper 'care-taker' mode? I really must hate myself. Where did that last drip of self respect go? I just want a pain free day..no, minute.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2011
beyondalllimits
♀ Member
Member # 29253
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((grace))). I am dealing with my last ditch effort last night to get thru to WH. I guess they call it jonesing..... I'm getting better every day. Easier the less I see and talk to him. Only trying to fix where it impacts me now and hardly that. Getting there. Give yourself a big hug. We are human and we will have opportunities to keep growing everyday. That's what living is all about. Keep your chin up and give it (non co-d behavior) another shot.


BS (Me) 50
WS (Him) 51
DD #1 7/7/10
DD #2 11/30/10 (same OW)
Married 27 yrs, together 32 yrs

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2010
beyondalllimits
♀ Member
Member # 29253
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((grace))). I am dealing with my last ditch effort last night to get thru to WH. I guess they call it jonesing..... I'm getting better every day. Easier the less I see and talk to him. Only trying to fix where it impacts me now and hardly that. Getting there. Give yourself a big hug. We are human and we will have opportunities to keep growing everyday. That's what living is all about. Keep your chin up and give it (non co-d behavior) another shot.


BS (Me) 50
WS (Him) 51
DD #1 7/7/10
DD #2 11/30/10 (same OW)
Married 27 yrs, together 32 yrs

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2010
grace104
♀ New Member
Member # 31211
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, February 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the encouragement beyond...I really used to respect myself. I need so desperately to work on me and not be obsessed with H. I so appreciate this site.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2011
beyondalllimits
♀ Member
Member # 29253
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, February 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put a post out on co-de earlier today, but think it probably best belongs here. I am still having trouble with the 'craving' of my WH. I tried a rubber band on my wrist, but forgot to put it back on after my shower and caved. I am considering hypnosis to beat the 'longing for love' cycle I am in. I was wondering if anyone out there has tried this and had success? I'm open to ideas!


BS (Me) 50
WS (Him) 51
DD #1 7/7/10
DD #2 11/30/10 (same OW)
Married 27 yrs, together 32 yrs

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

beyondall,

What does the rubber band signify? Is it a reminder of something, or do you snap it when you catch yourself doing something?

I need to get my CoDependent No More book back out. I'm going to go to a week long retreat soon to figure out why I'm codependent. I am scared, but looking forward to it. Things have to change in my life.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
Tresemme
♀ Member
Member # 31185
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i belong on this thread too =(


(Me)Bw late 30s
5/1/10 The day I learned Lucifer roams the earth among us wearing many disguises.( Double Betrayal wh and the live in nanny) Status-LimboLand

Posts: 431 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
Whisperingwillow
♀ Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admit I am powerless over others ...

I wish I wasn't, but I am, and I wish I could remember this for more than a nanosecond at a time.

Having a hard time with WS. I am wanting to be hundreds and hundreds of miles away from him, but living in the same house that bit of me that thinks he will do what needs to be done to R wants to cuddle up to him and pretend he isn't feckless and faithless, think that if I just love him enough he will come back to me, completely and properly.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sigh, i really am codependant when the self-help books send me over the edge.

ah, blessed humor in reality! Thank you for the laugh.

Another clue is hating/denying the label, ignoring it, and then yanking Codependent No More of my bookshelf and reading it in its entirity in one day...taking notes the whole time.

Yeh, I've been here before and thought I was "all better" (the book has been collecting dust for awhile now). Six long years with a lying, manipulating, gas-lighting, serial cheater put a crimp in my recovery...back at it!

Finally feel like I am getting a handle on 180, and am feeling moments of peace for the first time since October.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
SpicyCat
♀ New Member
Member # 31944
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really glad I found this thread. Let me just say, I am codependent, no doubt about it. I read CoDependent No More and it was absolutely dead on. It was actually hard to read because it was so personally painful.

The question I have, and I wonder if anyone else has the same one or has found the anwer is, how do we stop?? I keep trying to find something with exercises or some other form of anything that would help me learn how to catch myself and so far I haven't found it.


Me: 37 BS
Him: 38 SAWH
3 kids 13-17, Married 19 yrs, together 21
DD1: Jan 2010
DD2: Mar 2010, discovered DD1 was last of 12.
DD3: March 4, 2011, Last GF emailed me to let me know he was contacting her again and looking for a hook up.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Virginia
Whisperingwillow
♀ Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 9th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SpicyCat I don't think I can give you an answer.

I have though been journalling a bit more recently and it helps me stay a bit calmer, and I have been practising accepting that I don't want to accept WS's behaviour.

For example I might write out a few times something like:

"I accept that I don't want to accept that WS is not doing what I need to heal from his As"

I find it amazing that this seems to help; it is like a stepping stone to acceptance, but its also my truth in the moment.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
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