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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Infidelity In a Same-Sex Relationship/Marriage
sick_and_sad
♀ Member
Member # 22958
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, June 16th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mfcotter))) I'm so sorry. You're right in the midst of the worst part...making the decision to take care of yourself.

You know, I've never been a big believer in the 180 thing...it didn't fit for me. But your partner sounds pretty callous. Have you read about it in the Healing Library (yellow box on the upper left side of the page)?

It sounds like you need some emotional distance from her (easier said than done of course). I think the structure and "rules" of the 180 help keep people focused on themselves...especially when it seems you're getting pretty much nothing from her.

There are so many great women out there... if she can't be one of them, it may be time to get out.


Me 50
Twin boys 15
On our own since 5/21/2009


Posts: 506 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Minneapolis
PerpleNerple
♀ Member
Member # 3224
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok guys, I need help.

Has anyone (particularly the ladies) had to go through a custody battle where your sexuality was used against you?

If you have, or know someone who has and their trip through the legal system please PM me.


"Unconditional love does not mean unconditional crap absorption"
~Oh, what tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive~ Sir Walter Scott

Posts: 1603 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: NOVA
painfulgrowth
♀ New Member
Member # 21117
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to thank Mods for this new thread!!! I've been through some really tough times and found lots of great support on this website, but would have loved to have gained some of that from other same-sex relationships.

Every situation varies significantly, but one of the biggest barriers for me in a same sex relationship was trying to figure out what the right boundaries were to expect for my WS. Her A was with a female coworker and we really struggled around boundaries at work that would prevent risks of A in the future. All the books talk about pretty simple and concrete boundaries - don't go out to lunch alone with the opposite sex, don't share personal info about your marriage with the opposite sex, etc, etc. Well, when the potential for affairs comes from other women and most of your friends are women then what? How do we deal with a new friendship that seems borderline and makes me uncomfortable? Somehow we got to a place that seems right and is working for now but it was a bit more complicated to get there. Our boundaries took a bit more testing and communication to figure out.

I look forward to learning from one another through this thread!


me - BS
her - FWS
D-day1 - 10/07
D-day2 9/08
trickle truth...I think it finally stopped!
Constant prayer/mantra - give me peace, strength, wisdom and patience
One beautiful daughter helps give me the motivation.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2008
dyninside
♀ New Member
Member # 25340
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, September 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I have a quick question. For the past year I have been going through the NC dance, and have just finally decided I have had enough. WS is moving out, I said it was over, and they are still saying it is trial separation. I have been reading Surviving an Affair and the first couple is my life this last year to a tee. I am just so done, but I still love her. I just cannot see it after my AH HA moment the other day.
I sent her a message I apologize for the part I had in creating the environment but until your end your relationship with her I will not be a part of this triangle. She still did not deny that she is still seeing her.
My question is, can you really R after all of this emotional turmoil??
I just cannot see it anymore!!!


Although there is a pain in my chest I still wish you the best, with a FU!!! "Cee Lo Green"

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2009
painfulgrowth
♀ New Member
Member # 21117
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dyinside)))

I'm really sorry you are in such a tough spot. It's admirable for you to take responsibility for your role in it and that is important for R. But it sounds like your partner hasn't done the same yet and that is a problem!

In answer to your question, Yes you really can R after all the emotional turmoil and it can be worth it in the end...but not in every case! It takes commitment from both of you to really make it work. If your partner isn't willing to go NC then they aren't really ready to R. That puts you in a tough spot because you have to decide what you are willing to put up with until that happens. Healing library and the book you are reading are some great resources. Have you tried marital counseling?

In my situation, the 180 wasn't the best approach so with input from my MC I figured out what I was willing to tolerate and for how long. My WS lied about NC initially because she knew it was what I required for us to work on R and she wasn't ready. I was near breaking point when I found out they were still in contact but it wasn't until she truly understood the impact her actions continued to have on me and made real NC that we finally made progress on R...but that was over 1 year later from original Dday! Many may not wait that long. I'm happy I did because I knew my partner needed to make the decision in order for it to work and we are in a much better place now. However, if we didn't have a child I may not have waited that long. There are no clear cut answers. You have to figure out what is right for you, and so does your partner.

I highly recommend MC to help with that if you are both willing and committed to making it work. 14 years is a lot to give up but that may be the right answer if your partner isn't willing to do the hard work to make choices that won't continue to hurt you. Unfortunately sometimes it takes losing the comforts around you to realize how good you had it so that may be what it takes for her. Regardless you need to take care of yourself first.

PM if you want to talk any more. Good luck on making the decision that is right for YOU!


me - BS
her - FWS
D-day1 - 10/07
D-day2 9/08
trickle truth...I think it finally stopped!
Constant prayer/mantra - give me peace, strength, wisdom and patience
One beautiful daughter helps give me the motivation.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2008
merci
♀ Member
Member # 26858
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say, FollowMeThrough, that your story is very moving, and if you are around and wanted to give an update, I'm listening.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2009
merci
♀ Member
Member # 26858
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by merci at 6:10 PM, January 24th (Sunday)]


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2009
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


I am fiercely independent and I wont apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18711 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
almost20years
♀ New Member
Member # 28210
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you guys help me?I have been in a relationship with my female partner for the past twenty years. We have 8 year old boy/girl twins - I am the biological mother and I am a stay-at-home-mom. On Jan 17th my WS told me that she no longer wanted to be in this "relationship" with me - that she no longer "loved me in that way" and that we needed to separate. I was shocked, confused, devastated... blah, blah, blah. I asked if there was "someone else" and she told me no. I asked if we could take some time and seek C, she said no. She said "don't you think we've been trying long enough?" (ummm... no, actually I don't!) Two weeks later a mutual friend called and told me that she had found emails, chats, love-notes, etc. between my WS and her WS. Hard proof that they had been having a physical affair for the past 6 months. I was completely caught off guard. I couldn't believe that it was true. My mom was visiting us at the time, so we left the kids with her and drove off to "talk". WS admitted the affair, saying all the while that she DID NOT end it with me because of the affair, but rather because she "fell out of love" with me. That she should have told me the truth about her feelings years ago (years??!!! WTF!) and that the OW had NOTHING to do with the end of our relationship.
Now, I'm sure most of you are thinking that I am NUTS for allowing her to still live here with me and the kids. Honestly, I am becoming more and more concerned that I am indeed a smidgen more crazy that I may have thought I was.
Our current "arrangement" is this: she is continuing to have a relationship with OW (spends 2 or 3 nights/week at OW's new apartment); WS continues to support me financially (also, I am still on her health insurance, car insurance, cell phone plan etc); I continue to be the SAHM and take care of all of the child related stuff, all of the cooking (when she is home and not off with her tramp - oops sorry - OW), all the cleaning etc. I told her from the moment that I learned of the affair that I would never ever EVER take her back. That what she had done to me and our family disgusts me and disapoints me beyond what I am capable of expressing. She says she understands (ha!) and that she greatly appreciates my willingness to let her continue to live here. That she thinks what we are doing is best for the kids. That she will continue to support me and that I don't have to go back to work.... as long as I let her live here.
Sooooo, am I completely off my rocker? Can this type of arrangement really work?
I should probably fess-up and admit to y'all that I do still love her and that I have come to realize over the past two months that I would actually love to try and R.... (I have NOT told her that!)


BS - me (43)
WS - her (45)
OW - tramp (33)
DDay 2/2010 - 3 weeks shy of our 20 year anniversary
Sharing custody of our 8 yr old twins

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Raleigh NC
undestructable
♀ Member
Member # 28239
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, April 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

almost20; i posted a reply to you over on the Just Found Out forum.

To others, anyone else reading: I would love to hear perspectives on how to deal with who is a potential "safe friend" when you are both women and most of your friends are women as well?

My partner is butch, a masculine-identified woman. I am no longer comfortable with her having friendships/acquaintances at ALL that are either gay and femme, or bi, or hell, even straight women because the OW that came on to her and she had the EA with was a bi-curious "straight" woman in the midst of a nasty divorce. I just wish all our friends were gay guys!!


Me: 38
FWS: NAWIDU - 33.
Kids: 3 (blended, same sex couple)
R since DDay: 3/5/10
7 years in June

...cuz i got tossed out the window of love's El Camino
and i shattered into a shower of sparks on the curb.." Ani DiFranco


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: texass
Syzy
♀ Member
Member # 15190
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, April 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my general take on this is that there is no one who is totally safe but there are some guidelines.

Generally people who have been friends for a long time with a person and have a track record are ok.

Sometimes certain ex's (I usually find they are people that one didn't date for long or just go back so far that the ex history is almost null in regards to the current relationship)

New friends that aren't really interested in you both as a couple I frown upon. this is exactly what happened with my ex. Yeah I'm capable of having my own connections and friendships outside of my primary R but then I don't cheat. And quite generally those friendships are with straight women, straight men or gay men. Other lesbians I actually have a harder time connecting with primarily given my interests so it isn't much of a concern for my partner usually. But if it is I listen.

I think that is a good clue too what does she do when you mention a friend might be making you uncomfortable.

So I take each new situation under advisement.

[This message edited by Syzy at 10:30 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]


BS
Dday Aug 17, 2006
R - what's that.
Me - Moved on long ago.
It takes two to make it work, but only one to fuck it up.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: So Cal
CheshCat
♀ Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Safe Friends:

Technically speaking I don't have any, since I'm bi (LTRs on both side of the street, curiosity satisfied on the playground when swingsets were still part of the curriculum). It drives my WH nuts, especially right after the affair, but it's always & still bothers him. Even though I'm not the WW, but the BW. Actually, to be brutally honest, I quit my job working in the community because there were too many 'not friends of the marriage' and 'consolers with agendas'.

I second the straight-chicks not being safe. Can't even tell you how much I second that.

Syzy's guidelines are EXCELLENT. Taking each person as a unique situation, AND if the wrong vibe pings seeing what your P's reaction is.

The world needs more gay guys. 100% gay, women might as well be a separate (but interesting to talk to) species, gay guys. Because... as much as I've deleted this 3 times now... even gay guys as a group aren't totally safe, because not all of 'em are at 100%. ((I don't remind my H of this, because he forgets... and I don't want to cause anymore fear/pain but we bi-types tend to get lumped with whoever we're dating/married to.)).

Taking people individually, in my experience is the only way to go.


Hugs!!!
Chesh
>^..^<

PS... The topic is in my ballfield/ realm of experience, which is why I answered, but if I shouldn't have just let me know & I'll delete.


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
afraidshesgone
♀ Member
Member # 28625
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone....failry new and glad this forum exists... though I have seem that MOST aspects of the A seem to be the same MO, I do beleive there is a bit of a difference for same sex couples. I mean heck... 2 women, 2 cycles of PMS and messed up hormones... LMAO... yeah I think there are some differences. In the end the betrayal is the same. A lie is a lie is a lie.


Me, BW, old enough
D-Day dates.. tired of 'em Let's just say it happened, I'm over it and have moved on.....very happy

Despite my screen name, I am very much a woman and hell yeah I wish I could change that name to gladshesgone


Posts: 1765 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Land of Guilder
almost20years
♀ New Member
Member # 28210
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 1st (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to see another lesbian have to visit this site/thread, but I am glad you found it.
Hopefully you will gain insight from those who post here - I know that I have learned a ton since I started lurking.
Good luck with everything!


BS - me (43)
WS - her (45)
OW - tramp (33)
DDay 2/2010 - 3 weeks shy of our 20 year anniversary
Sharing custody of our 8 yr old twins

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Raleigh NC
3rdV
♂ New Member
Member # 28666
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 3rd (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling as a WS to sort through my feelings. I'm very lost at the moment, and am having a tough time understanding my own truths.

Gay relationships can be different because of all the styles of "open relationships" and the constant bombardment of sex that I feel in our community.

My BH and I (married 6 months, together for five years) had D-Day on Monday 5/31.

The full story: I have had issues of maintaining secrets from my husband since we committed years ago. At first it was online only (cyber, camming) and he discovered it. I got angry at first because I felt my privacy was violated. We agreed to allowing me to watch and participate cam, but being open about it, and nobody local.

I kept that promise, and then he started doing the same thing. We enjoyed it together--it became a part of foreplay occasionally. Although we discussed having an open relationship, neither one of us wanted it, though I have always said that I believe in monogamy AND forgiveness.

In August of 2008, a few months after we bought a home, he went to a sports tournament and called me asking me if it's "ok if he gets a bj from a teammate" who he had a bit of a crush on. I was taken aback, and didn't really reply--I thought he was joking.

He ended up sleeping with him, and when he got back confessed the whole thing. My emotions were all over the place, from betrayed to turned on by the idea of it. But the hurt was there as well, and he knew it. He told me to "take a pass" and fool around with someone else as well. We agreed to a slightly open relationship (involving others from time to time).

A few months later I took the pass, but didn't tell him about it beforehand. I did afterwards, and he also admitted to meeting up with the teammate again, just once.

We got married--but was still in the open relationship that we agreed to.

Two months ago I met someone online who liked me, but wasn't into my H. I agreed to meet with him for a ONS. Shortly after, a friend of mine and I slept together, also on the DL. I kept thinking it was no big deal because it was just sex.

I chatted with the friend about hooking up again, but in the end never did. I texted him with the statement "I want to be better than that" and we decided to just be friends.

However, this week my H discovered the chat about hooking up again, in which I said, "let's not yet...wait until we're drunk sometime, lol."

He was crushed beyond imagination. I took full ownership of my mistakes--dishonesty, lies, and even being callous about our marriage by doing this.

And now my emotions are on a roller coaster. I want to be of help to him, but don't know how. I wonder if he regrets his own transgressions and he's retreating into himself thinking about it.

I have IC starting tomorrow, and I am trying to convince him to go to MC. However, he seems convinced that I will never change--I'll always want secrets from him and that our marriage is in question.

Is this a normal reaction? The anger I can take, but the silence is killing me.


Me: WH - 38
Him: BH - 29
Married: Oct 2009 (gay marriage)
PA: April 9, 10, 2010 (2 ONS, different ppl)
D-day: 5/31/2010
Hoping for R

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2010
afraidshesgone
♀ Member
Member # 28625
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 29th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone out there?


Me, BW, old enough
D-Day dates.. tired of 'em Let's just say it happened, I'm over it and have moved on.....very happy

Despite my screen name, I am very much a woman and hell yeah I wish I could change that name to gladshesgone


Posts: 1765 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Land of Guilder
almost20years
♀ New Member
Member # 28210
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello afraidshesgone -

I'm here! Are you OK?


BS - me (43)
WS - her (45)
OW - tramp (33)
DDay 2/2010 - 3 weeks shy of our 20 year anniversary
Sharing custody of our 8 yr old twins

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Raleigh NC
afraidshesgone
♀ Member
Member # 28625
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI almost... am I ok... yes and no

I know I will make it so yes I am ok

Hurting like hell... no, not OK...thanks for reaching out


Me, BW, old enough
D-Day dates.. tired of 'em Let's just say it happened, I'm over it and have moved on.....very happy

Despite my screen name, I am very much a woman and hell yeah I wish I could change that name to gladshesgone


Posts: 1765 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Land of Guilder
almost20years
♀ New Member
Member # 28210
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey afraid..... sorry we keep missing each other!

I am sorry too that you are hurting. This crap totally, totally, TOTALLY sucks!!!!

My significant other of 20 years continues to have a relationship with the person she cheated on me with.... and it freakin' still breaks my heart. I am remaining very strong with NC (except for kid stuff) and I am sure that I come accross to her as happier, busier and more "together" than what I really am.

I'll be thinking about you and your own emotional hell. Feel free to private message me if you want - our stories are similar but my WS picked a trampy female co-worker to have her A with instead of a guy.

I'll end with one of my favorite quotes (borrowed from someone on this site) :

When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.


BS - me (43)
WS - her (45)
OW - tramp (33)
DDay 2/2010 - 3 weeks shy of our 20 year anniversary
Sharing custody of our 8 yr old twins

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Raleigh NC
curly1
♀ Member
Member # 29133
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone still post on this thread. It's very quiet.


Me: BS age 42
Her: FWW age 41
DD: June 2010
Affair carried on underground until mid July 2010. Kicked WW out and then the A ended and NC agreement was made.
August 2010 - NC broken via emails. New NC agreement made.
R is going well so far.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Jul 2010
Topic Posts: 52
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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