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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Infidelity In a Same-Sex Relationship/Marriage
♀ Member
Member # 9065
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, we *are* a minority!

In truth, there are aren't that many issues that are wholly specific to SSRs, and the rest of the board is welcoming, so this thread doesn't get as much use as it might in another environment.

I'm rarely on the board at all anymore, but I check in on this thread and the Wayward Forum, and my PMs hit my email account. I'm the FWS in a SSR with another woman (14 years in, 5 since the A).

Former Wayward Ninja, recovered
"The shadows tell us where the light is" (my DD@3)
"Growing up is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it." (Agliarept)

Posts: 5057 | Registered: Dec 2005
♀ Member
Member # 29133
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess we are and yes you are right, the rest of the board welcomes everyone regardless of sexuality very well.

Hi anyway

Me: BS age 42
Her: FWW age 41
DD: June 2010
Affair carried on underground until mid July 2010. Kicked WW out and then the A ended and NC agreement was made.
August 2010 - NC broken via emails. New NC agreement made.
R is going well so far.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Jul 2010
♀ Member
Member # 28625
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, August 20th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello... agree with your thoughts Inchoate...
the hurt is the same, doesn't matter what the sex is

Me, BW, old enough
D-Day dates.. tired of 'em Let's just say it happened, I'm over it and have moved on.....very happy

Despite my screen name, I am very much a woman and hell yeah I wish I could change that name to gladshesgone

Posts: 1765 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Land of Guilder
♀ New Member
Member # 25340
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Everyone!! I have not been here for quite awhile now. Glad to see this thread is still going!!

Although there is a pain in my chest I still wish you the best, with a FU!!! "Cee Lo Green"

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2009
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Member # 28625
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 29th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hello...I get so excited to see this thread active...

Me, BW, old enough
D-Day dates.. tired of 'em Let's just say it happened, I'm over it and have moved on.....very happy

Despite my screen name, I am very much a woman and hell yeah I wish I could change that name to gladshesgone

Posts: 1765 | Registered: May 2010 | From: The Land of Guilder
♀ Member
Member # 31653
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this board and just found this thread. Anyone who posted still on here? It would be great if there were. Thanks!

Me: F (BS) 42

DDay 3-27-11
Been together almost 2 yrs.
TT 5-7-11

Married for 1 yr. (In Iowa)

~Headed towards divorce~

Posts: 99 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Member # 33881
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in general before I found this thread....
This is my first post looking for people who can relate. My expierience with infidelity is still very fresh. It has only been a month since I found everything out. What devistates me is that my partner has been unfaithful throughout our entire relationship. This is the first man I have fell completely in love with. A few years ago we built a house so that we could be together and start a new life together. I have always had my suspicions that something was going on but I have been in theropy for years dealing with my own mental issues. I spent years learning how to trust people. I trusted my partner and now this. I found some pictures on his computer that he couldnt explain and one thing led to another. He had been sexting multiple people a day, sending and recieving images. I found 4 different email accounts that also had daily interactions. I kept digging and after he caved he addmitted to physically cheating on me with other men in my own home. I work from home and I am almost always here when he his. Very rarely am I gone, but when I have been he hasnt been able to pass up an opportunity to cheat. We have been in couples counceling since January and havent gotten anywhere beacuse he was full of lies. Now that everything has surfaced and hes forced to live in the real world, he has begun individual theropy and started going to weekly SA meeting. I see that he realizes he has had a addiction with chatting, and exchanging picture. This has all been taking place years before we even met. Saddly he wasnt able to have the control to stop on his own after we met and even more sad that he couldnt after we moved into the house that we built. He realizes he has a true addiction. It hurts me to know that he just kept feeding the addiction taking it one step further to actually meeting up with men from craigslist. I have never been so hurt by someone on my life. I feel like everything has been a lie. We have continued couples theropy and things are.. OK.. He is also looking at having an avoidant personality disorder. Which in my eyes could explain so much.. I am trying so hard to stay strong for myself so that I can support him in getting help. This is all just so hard for me.. I dont know anyone that can relate to me and I am hoping that someone here can help me or that I can find other people that I can relate to.. Thank you for listing and your support. I feel for everyone on here. None of us deserved to be hurt like this. Thank you!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 34642
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's my story. I was with my ex for almost 11 years and married for 7 of them. Almost 4 years ago the relationship ended when she told me she was in love with someone else. I didn't react very well to this as I was totally blindsided that there was even a problem with the marriage. There were some clues along the way like her saying, "You know I'll always love you" and "You know I'll always take care of you and (our daughter)". This occurred about 2 months before DDay. At the time, I was so wrapped up in taking care of myself and our two small children that I missed the hints.

After she told me about this OW, she said a couple of things that looking back were mind blowing. First, she said to me, "You haven't even spoken to me for the last 3 years." This is what was going on the last 3 years of our relationship. 1) I got pregnant and had our daughter. 2) She got pregnant with our son. 3) I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 4) She gave birth to our son. Since I was a stay-at-home mom, the burden of raising our kids was on me so I was a little busy. I'll admit, she went from being my first priority to being 3rd or 4th on the list. Considering what I was dealing with, I don't think it's all that selfish to put my needs and the needs of my kids before hers.

The other statement that blew me away was when I confronted her with the fact that her new GF's now ex called her and asked her to back off and leave her family alone, her response was "I did. I didnt' talk to her for 4 months." Now she was still texting this woman, so she lied again, but even more telling is that during these 4 months, she didn't have the decency to come to me and say, "I'm having feelings for someone and we need to work on our relationship or end it." This of course would be the adult thing to do. The unselfish thing to do. But I know now that my ex is neither an adult or unselfish.

So over the course of the next few months after the break up, I was dissecting ever aspect of the relationship and consequent break up. I learned that the relationship with the OW started some 9 months prior to her telling me. The fact that I'd met this OW and welcomed her in my home enrages me to no end. So basically my ex lied to me for some time. She insists that they were "just friends" and that nothing physical happened between them until after she told me. I don't believe that at all as I have the cell phone records. She never called her best friend at 6:00 in the morning and 11:50 at night and 3 or 4 times in between and she's known her since high school so I know it's all BS.

As much as I was just crushed by her betrayal (especially when I found out she was messing around while I was still in treatment for breast cancer) I know I would have been totally healed by now if I didn't have to still deal with her. Because I made the decision to keep our kids together I have to some contact with her. I've managed to cut out any of the folks who are stupid enough to still associate with this narcissist that I was foolish enough to marry so that helps. But part of me just can't seem to let it go. I don't mean my feelings for her because any love I had for her died when I finally realized who she really is. I mean the anger I have over the amount of pain she has caused me.

Over the past 3 1/2 years, I've dated off and on, but 9 months ago I started dating someone who I never thought I would get a chance to date. She's actually the first woman I ever fell in love with. We were friends in high school and I was so in love with her. I finally told her that and she basically freaked out and stopped talking to me. We were just kids so I don't blame her. But she eventually came to grips with her sexuality and was with her first GF for 4 years in college. We managed to cross paths just before I married my ex and have been friendly ever since. She even brought her partner at the time to my wedding. Well a year ago, that very same partner left her and we started dating a few months later. She's absolutely the person I belong with and I'm so grateful that I've been given the opportunity to be with her finally. We have so much fun together. It's just so perfect to be with your best friend. Yet, part of me is still scared that she's going to wake up and leave me like my ex did (or at least that's how it feels). I know in my head that I love my partner, but I keep waiting for my heart to open up. So I guess that's why I ask if I'm too damaged to really love again. I don't want to feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I really want to enjoy this new relationship and let go of the past, but I don't know how.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Cincinnati
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Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping for a new member...

Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for MissOhio

Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
♀ Member
Member # 22958
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to check in on this thread. Three years post-divorce and I still have nights where I'm cut to the core, wondering if I can ever trust or ever fully love again. I don't want to be this woman.

Me 50
Twin boys 15
On our own since 5/21/2009

Posts: 506 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Minneapolis
♀ Member
Member # 15190
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone I'm just stopping in and saying hi. I don't post that much and am 6 years out from the infidelity.

My Ex cheated with an other woman in a 23 year marriage. of course the other woman never left her wife but my ex left me and held out hope for several years that the other woman would leave.

I dealt with all the usual crap and stages of healing.. rage stage, flattened, and major trust issues showing up at weird times.

I'm pretty well healed at this point. I never speak to my ex though she has made several attempts. I'm friends with a few of my ex's but I refuse to even acknowledge her.

At this point I'm exceptionally glad to not have reconciled.

I'm also really glad that the mods finally put this space here. SI has been really awesome and for the most part welcoming irrespective of being gay but I have seen a few comments here and there that are judgmental and uncalled for said about gay people. But for the most part it really isn't common.

I'd say on average we have less of a likelyhood to reconcile typically because we don't as frequently share children and because divorce isn't as painful legally (probably more so financially especially for the partner with less income because they have fewer resources and typically laws are not on their side)

Anyway glad to see this but sorry you all are here.

Dday Aug 17, 2006
R - what's that.
Me - Moved on long ago.
It takes two to make it work, but only one to fuck it up.

Posts: 945 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: So Cal
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