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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopeFades:

Hi...am so sorry for your situation...If he has been acting out w/ prostitutes for YEARS, it is going to be very very difficult for him to stop, even with help/support. He's led a double life and doesn't know how to function as a normal human being...ha many demons to deal with...etc.

Many, if not most SA's at this level of acting out in person will act out again & again...I'm sorry, but it is the truth. Best shot is tons of counseling CSAT, etc...but just try & stay out of denial...it's so easy to HOPE he'll change...I sure did w/ my WH...and he only got into in-person massage parlors under 2 years ago...
BUT, once he crossed that line, he became a different person...a man who got several chances from me to change, a man who LOVES his wife (me) & girls & was ALWAYS a great dad.husband...well, save the part i didn't know about (porn for years)...he STILL continued in pretend recovery & was f-ing anything that moved the last few yrs...his addiction just went more underground...he KNEW he was going to lose us if he acted out in person again...
He still did it...NO ONE that knows us/him can believe it...

He's just another man now...& has no peace...

I pray your situation will be different...just cautioning you...cuz i KNEW *MY* H. would be different...and fine...NOT.

~I have found that my husband AND lots of other SA men get even MORE IDEAS from their SA meetings (even though SA 12 Step is good)...so sad. my H. got the massage parlor idea from a DOCTOR in his group!!!!
Hang in, get to S-anon, & keep posting!


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have found that my husband AND lots of other SA men get even MORE IDEAS from their SA meetings (even though SA 12 Step is good)...so sad. my H. got the massage parlor idea from a DOCTOR in his group!!!!

Did your husband tell you that that is where he got the idea of going to massage parlors? And you believed him??? You cannot tell me that he'd never heard he could get a "happy ending" at a massage parlor!! In my opinion your husband is lying because he wants you to think that him going to meetings is bad and you'll ask him to stop going. He wants to manage and enjoy his addiction. If he's not lying and he really did just go to group to get tips it just further proves that he is not interested in recovery or sobriety. I do believe he is the exception and not the rule.

As to your statement of "AND lots of other SA men get even MORE IDEAS from their SA meetings." How many SAs do you know and how many of them have told you this? Where do you get this information or data from?

I'm sorry ScribblingMum but I think this is a falsehood and saying things like this can be very detrimental to spouses of SA who are already struggling with the recovery process. If you want to believe that that is where your husband got the idea, that's fine but please don't throw out statements saying that lots of SAs get ideas at SA meetings unless you can back it up with data. If it is your opinion, you're welcome to it, but I'm going to respectfully disagree with you.
7


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohmegorsh.
Didn't mean to cause a fuss...of course I don't think it's the doc's fault my H. acted out that way...but the guy went into sharing lots of tmi detail (others protested btw, finally)...and of course, my WH wasn't truly in recovery...wasn't saying it as an excuse at all/ perhaps i should've clarified...
And, many S-anon spouses have shared this before in my meetings...that their H's get triggered by stories, etc..the SA MEN themselves, share this..not anything new...it's what an addict does if he isn't in true recovery (which many aren't).

I think SA is wonderful...just pointing something out to be aware of...My H. actually thinks SA is the best thing of all the recovery helps...he did't go to meetings to get tips! part of him wants recovery, part of him still wants addiction...it just happened that the day after he heard that doc share how easy it was, he acted out in MP's/in-person for the 1st time--said it lodged in his head...and he was off...

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 11:51 PM, July 27th (Monday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, that's interesting because I thought this same thing in my mind. I had this fear that if and when my SAH goes to a recovery program, he will hear something that may tempt him. Not that he couldnt find this out another way. My SAH has claimed he NEVER pays for anything he can get for free. ie: strip clubs or hookers....not like any of that matters....

Well, I called and talked to 3 CSAT's today. I havent brought it up to my H yet. One that called me back has a wife that is also a CSAT and I am going to make an appointment with her for myself. I need to get some ground here. I feel like Im letting things slip by me and I need to be alot stronger in demanding what I expect in order for R to take place. Im new to this part of this addiction...not new to the addiction of course.

[This message edited by whatnowaz at 1:07 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
OneTooMany?
♀ New Member
Member # 24672
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatnowaz - where in az are you? I also live in az. Thanks for your response and support last night - I was having a rough night and really needed it.

7years - again, thank you. You should definitely pursue a degree and become a CSAT - you would be a great help and have the BTDT credentials that hurting spouses would appreciate. There are many programs out there that offer grants to mothers who want to get a degree. Look for a PEO chapter in your area (I believe it stands for Philanthropic Educational Organization) - I received a pretty good grant from them when I was getting my teaching degree.

7years, I have read the chapters in MaSH, especially the chapter on the course of recovery and how it differs for rSA and spouses of rSA. I feel like I am bouncing back and forth between the shock and grief stage while H is already trying to repair. It's been 3 weeks - it is ridiculous for him to think that I am ready to be at that stage yet. I asked him to read that chapter today and we talked for a long time when he finished. It was the best conversation we've had in a long time. I felt like he may actually understand a little tiny bit of what I'm feeling.

A little ray of positivity in an otherwise crappy situation.


Married 13 years, betrayed many times. Have two wonderful kids and hoping we can still make this work.

"To love is not just to look at each other but to look together in the same direction." ~ Antoine de St. Exupery


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2009
HopeFades
♀ New Member
Member # 24934
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone who responded. I do know all responses were grounded in trying to help me and I appreciate each one.

I have looked at the books mentioned and they are being ordered. I am very willing to seek help with this.

It was hard to read the posts. The descriptions of setting boundaries of different levels, enforcing them, etc. The idea we can never be free of this and he might at any time relapse no matter how hard or how long we work sounds like a twisted life to me filled with this always hanging over our heads. It is a marriage with three people in it me, him, and IT.

I am not judging any of you who have and are tackling this and staying. My hat is off to you. You are all made of some strong stuff. I am only speaking from my heart how it makes me feel to think of it as what I would have to look forward to in the years ahead as we reach old age together. It would be so hard to leave him. I do love him, but my love no matter how strong doesn't fix this.
I guess I am leaning toward divorce for now when I can figure out where the hell to move to on no money and debt out my ears.

I don't know if I would even want another relationship ever, but why would I pick another SA as was mentioned? That's a terrible thought. I certainly would be on the lookout for the clues. Being alone is better if I am destined to never be able to avoid picking another one. If I have to be celibate to achieve safety from a man's betrayal, so be it, but that doesn't say much for men in general does it?

Again, thanks for all the kind advice . I do appreciate it.


Me 52
Him 54 yr old SA for past 25 yrs
married 6+ years
grown children from other marriages

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Texas
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, a SA does not need to go to a meeting to find new ways to cheat. I've heard that on here before, about being kind of afraid to let your WS be around other SA's for fear that they may pick up new ideas.

Access to the internet gives a SA more ways and access than you would even imagine. My SA used to go onto sites that seemed fairly harmless (relatively), as they were just sex stories. I thought, well, no pictures, he is just reading about stuff. Those stories had so many different ways to try--I know he got new ideas from those alone.

Plus, just doing this for years and years; they already have ideas in the back of their mind on what they may do later down the road. And, even with me being naive, I knew there were massage parlors and callgirls on Craigslist and quite a few other things.

If my WS had been the least bit interested in getting help, I would have insisted on a 12 step program, as a CSAT is good, but I really feel that for many addicts (not all), but many, having a support buddy that you can call when you feel the urge is crucial!

HopeFades - the reason I was asking about looking out for another SA is because I realize there are certain issues in me that makes me feel a connection with those types of guys.

I am actively watching for the signs, but when I got into a relationship with my WS SA, I was already watching for signs of problems, as he was not my first problem husband.

I didn't see them until it was too late, and I am a bit concerned that I may miss the signals, or that there may not even be any in the beginning, but knowing I have an attraction towards this, I want to learn as much as possible to try to protect myself.

And obviously you don't have to be celibate to be safe from betrayal, there are many men capable of being faithful (just read the boards here), but there is also no guarantees. Ever. That is why I am working to strengthen myself, so I can handle whatever comes my way.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
broken11
♀ Member
Member # 23277
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't see them until it was too late, and I am a bit concerned that I may miss the signals, or that there may not even be any in the beginning, but knowing I have an attraction towards this, I want to learn as much as possible to try to protect myself.

Naive,

This scares me too and is probably why I should go back into IC. My WH was/is such a good liar and is so so charming. Really had no clue about problems until years into the relationship. This is why I think in my next relationship I'm going to have a terrible time with trust-and I hate that. I just don't trust my judgement now, so if I don't trust myself how can I trust anybody?

[This message edited by broken11 at 6:10 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW 30
WH:30
D-day #2 2/26/09
Filed for the big D

Posts: 619 | Registered: Mar 2009
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible to not know you're WH is a SA while married? How do you know if they are good at hiding that part of their life? Some things have hinted at it over the years, but I never put it together as a SA until an e-mail from his OW telling him to go into a recovery group. How could she know something I didn't?


Me: BS 52
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 24 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7390 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miadianna:

Is it possible to not know you're WH is a SA while married?

We were married 21 years before I had a clue he was SA. And I only found out when he finally decided to tell me about the years, and years of acting out (all alone). The A was an escalation, perhaps, we don't quite have that nailed yet. But, in my experience, it is not just possible, but it is reality that I didn't know for all those years while married.


How do you know if they are good at hiding that part of their life?

Mine was a master at it, and I never knew till he was in recovery and disclosed not only his acting out, but his methods of deception.


Some things have hinted at it over the years, but I never put it together as a SA until an e-mail from his OW telling him to go into a recovery group. How could she know something I didn't?

It is likely that he was acting out with her, and she saw or sensed his addiction first hand. She likely wasn't someone he wanted to be close to emotionaly, he could risk "being himself" = acting out, with her. She saw it and called him on it.

The bewilderment in the beginning of discovery of SA is a whole separate DDAY all by itself, hon. Its like we get a double-whammy as spouses of SA's.

You're not stupid or blind. He is a master at hiding and protecting his addiction. He likely had been doing it for years before you ever met him.

((((((((miadianna))))))))


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
watchingU
♀ Member
Member # 22144
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This life of dealing with SA spouses is such a horrible, horrible way to live. I wish I could just get in my car and drive away and never look back. I feel like I have detached from life and have become numb just to survive.

We both pretend to get on with our life, but he knows that inside, I will never get over it and he resents it. I think that is his 'internal okay' to act out if he wants to.

But he pretends otherwise and lies. How do we BS ever know what is truth and what is lies? When the SA spouse says he has changed. But if we didn't know before, how do we know now. It's a horrible way to live.


BW me 60(naive until 3/30/07 Dday)
WH 60(PA w/SIL PA with neighbor, 100's of EAs,chat rooms, M 1969
Multiple Ddays over the past 4 yrs (about prior infidelities, not new ones) My Gut says WH Has cheated thruout M

Posts: 520 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do we BS ever know what is truth and what is lies? When the SA spouse says he has changed. But if we didn't know before, how do we know now.

The short answer is, we don't. However once we're recovering/healing ourselves, we learn to trust ourselves and our ability to handle whatever comes our way. And that goes a long way towards giving us a sense of power and freedom. I can't honestly say that I would know if my husband was acting out again, though I'd certainly be more attuned to behaviors that in the past I wrote off as "stress" or tiredness. However, I do trust my own ability to deal with the situation in a way that's healthy for me if I were to discover he was acting out again. And that's the difference. I'm far clearer about my own boundaries and what I will and won't tolerate in my marriage.
We won't magically be able to predict others' potential for dysfunction, but our instincts will certainly be sharpened and our ability to trust ourselves will be better. And, in the end, that's all we can ever really count on. People change, life throws us curves...but we always have ourselves.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGAIN, I want to reiterate that SA 12 Step IS, in my opinion, the BEST 12 Step program for sex addiction. Period.

For those that are new, please know that I highly RECOMMEND for sex addicts to get into a SA group & to get a sponsor. The men usually hate it at 1st, but hopefully, end up REALIZING they do indeed need to be there (as my H. did). It took a while, but he finally got more comfortable & knows he needs to be there for HIM.

My H. has issues from abusive childhood way beyond even sex addiction...and that's why many SA's need therapy, meds, etc...no easy answer...

It's still good to be aware of how triggering so many things can be for a sex addict...my H. has even made himself feel better by pointing out how many others relapse constantly--even while understanding he was minimizing/rationalizing shet.
My answer: Hang out w/ the winners, dork...the few men that DO have YEARS of sobriety...like his Sponsor (15 years)...who work a great & honest program...

Ah, this whole deal is just very complicated & tough...that is why S-Anon & other support groups are so very valuable for wives of SA's...

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 11:35 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BOOK:
I'm reading a great book right now - When Your Lover Is a Liar (Healing the Wounds of Deception & Betrayal)by Susan Forward, Ph.D.

It is very helpful ...talks about kinds of liars/lies & gives many, many examples of case situations...& how women ditch their own intuition cuz they so want to believe their man is honest like they are...
very empowering...enlightening...

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 11:41 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.

Sorry that I haven't been around. My SAH has been out of town and I don't have much time to do anything as I'm just way too tired!

Welcome to all the newcomers. It's good to see people getting help they need, but I am very sorry that you find yourself here.

I have realized that I have a lot of resentments toward my H. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all this knowledge. The night he came home, I couldn't sleep. I ended up crying the whole night long. I didn't really miss him while he was gone and I just feel very annoyed by him now. I know that I have not told him of my needs but I just don't feel like I can tell him anything. I don't feel like he will meet my needs.

He probably is not doing what he should be for recovery. I just don't even want to know right now. I know that he's not physically with anyone but I'm pretty sure that he's still acting out at work.

I just wanted to say that while I think SA meetings are imperative for recovery, my SAH has told me that he did get ideas for further acting out from his group. Things that he didn't know, like looking at craigslist personals, because he didn't know that they were there before. So yeah, it can happen but he obviously wasn't serious about his recovery if he got ideas.

I'm really losing my patience. My love for my H is wearing away. I just feel very alone and that I will never have a partner in him.

So, I am continuing to work on me. I am still doing my 12 step program for codependency and it's very hard but helpful. I'm still going to my meetings and working to become a strong, independent woman. Then I will see where he is at and if I want to stay or go.

It looks like he will be traveling next month and miss our 11th wedding anniversary. I still haven't really processed that. I don't really feel like celebrating anyway because I feel like it's just been a farce for the most part anyway. I knew something was wrong for years, before we knew about the SA. I guess that's why I just feel like it's all been a sham. Right now I feel like I'm glad that I married him to have my children but other than that, I'm so happy about my choice. I also dated a SA once before and that has totally changed who I was and how I viewed men and sex. I'm also worried about re-marrying one if I got D'ed. Scary! So I think I just need to work on me regardless.

I will have to check out the new book you are all reading. I just have no time to read anything right now but hopefully soon!

My baby is turning 1 on Thursday. I'm beside myself with grief over losing her babyhood with all this crap. I'll never have the chance again and I'm very upset about it. So I guess I just have to look forward to the next year and be more "with it" for this next year.

I'll try to catch up again soon!


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope4tomorrow;

Right...MY H. didn't even know what Craigslist was either...& although he'd heard about massage parlors (& I'm sure had fantasies for years), he didn't know how-to-go-about-it b4 hearning it explained at SA meeting/how easy it was/what u should say, etc.
This temptation of hearing new ideas in SA meetings or anywhere else is nothing new & we shouldn't be surprised...but we do need to be aware of the reality..

Many SA men will share about this fact (that they struggle w/ temptation everywhere) at SA conferences, meetings, with their wives, etc...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say, that my SAh told me he had never known about the personals section on CL, and said he just "found it" while he was looking at homes for us,and curiousity got the best of him. I believed him, because I had no reason not to.

After we split up, one of his best friends (and mine) came up to me and told me that he had known all along, because 2 1/2 years before d-day, he had told this friend that you could find women on CL.

His whole "countryboy innocence" act was just that. An act.

He told me since he had grown up in the rural country, they didn't have all those "massage parlors" and prostitutes and all that kind of stuff, and he was just so curious about all of it after he moved into the city, from a cop's point of view, as he had been a cop. So he was bored and lonely and curious, and that was why he was going places on the internet he had no business going. And I believed it at first.

It was all a big fat freaking lie. He had been using those services before he had even met me, but found those lies would work on me, (even while I was sitting here thinking; how could I know about this stuff, I led a very sheltered life, and here he was, a retired cop, and he had no clue?)

I believed him because I wanted to believe him. And he seemed so trustworthy. And it wouldn't occur to me to lie about this kind of stuff.

But I don't have an addicts brain. So I am terribly cynical that someone who had been a SA for years and years doesn't already have a pretty good idea where to go for his "hits".

Also, what does it matter if he hires one off CL or out of the phone book, or where he gets her?

If he is not serious about recovery, he is going to find his addiction one way or another. I have found they can be very resourceful. I am still finding things out that knock me to the floor. Our whole life, one big lie.

Please don't think I am not believing your H's, this is just from my own experience.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
OneTooMany?
♀ New Member
Member # 24672
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScribblingMum and hope4tomorrow (and all others who have brought up this topic - it's important and needs to be addressed):

My H has been sexually sober for only 3 weeks. He too heard about craigslist through SA meetings (as, frankly, I heard about it through reading SI posts and profile stories). He knew about many other Internet sites (AFF for example) but had no idea how easy craigslist was to find sex. As a longtime AA member, he also remembers hearing stories in AA meetings about ways to "sneak" drinking that he never knew about. It is always a danger in a meeting with a group of addicts that a non-recovering addict will use the information in a detrimental way. The AA big book even talks about that. However, those who are honestly working the 12 steps know that this is something they need to discuss with their sponsor and work through without acting out.

There is even a book by a well-known author, Chuck Palanhiuk (author of Fight Club), called "Choke" (also turned into a movie), about a non-recovering SA. This character was "inspired" by the stories shared in SA as well as even the literature published by SA to come up with new sexual acting out scenarios. Of course, in this story he comes to terms with his addiction by the end of the story and begins to seek recovery, but it definitely helps perpetuate the fear held by partners of SA that the meetings themselves could cause a "slip".

I believe that as long as an SA is staying accountable and actively working the 12 steps with a sponsor, AND is pursuing IC with a CSAT, there is hope that he/she can stay in recovery and prevent future slips or acting out.

Temptation is everywhere. The important thing is that the SA recognizes the temptations and talks about them with the IC or sponsor before it becomes a slip. This is IMO of course.


Married 13 years, betrayed many times. Have two wonderful kids and hoping we can still make this work.

"To love is not just to look at each other but to look together in the same direction." ~ Antoine de St. Exupery


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2009
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only have a minute so a quick part of my opinion about meetings.

Worrying about whether they will "learn" another way of acting out, is wasting our time. They might "worry" about it, but it isn't our issue to "fix" or deal with.
If they are recovering, the SA needs to find a way to deal with this.

Are we going to disconnect cable because they might see something? Nope, that isn't our job.

Seeing something on cable, learning of something on the news, listening to another SA; NONE of these things will cause a slip.
The addicted brain and how the addict is using their tools will determine the outcome.

No more than my SAH seeing me change clothes is going to make him act out.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
IRN2006
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Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do we BS ever know what is truth and what is lies? When the SA spouse says he has changed. But if we didn't know before, how do we know now. It's a horrible way to live.

I do believe that my husband has changed, not by what he says, but by the consistency of how he acts.

In my case, my husband was never non-sexually intimate with me. We never connected when were were physically intimate until my husband was sober for a year. So, after experiencing little to no intimacy for the first decade of our relationship, it was pretty easy to feel/recognize the changes.

I also had to do my part to learn what real intimacy was myself, as I had no clue. And like eternaloptimist said, I had to learn to trust myself again.


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