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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NA said:

So, is your SO away for a job, or have you two decided to take a break for a while? I know, after my WS left, it was lonely for a while, but also, there was a part of me that felt relief.

He is away for work.

Let's see-I had one ex who wanted to have sex live on camera. He said his dream was to do porn.

ETA: The guy mentioned above says he had sex with over a hundred women. I also dated a guy who wanted to swap with another couple.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 1:16 PM, August 10th (Monday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist, I am going to try to help even though I am so NEWWW at all of this.

What do YOU want? What is your bottom line?

Is it possible that it's time to do a new R contract?

Something like:

1. I feel afraid that you will backslide because you are not going to regular SA mtgs and IC.

2.I need to not be worried about that happening so that I can feel safe with you and safe in my life.

3. I need you to commit to regular meetings (is there a different group? Like SLAA?)
and weekly counseling.

4. If you cannot do so, I need to distance myself from the marriage until i feel you are taking your recovery seriously.

Would it help to just lay it on the line, and let go of the outcomes, and follow through? Or not?

I don't think you can actually have a conversation with him because in my unfortunately wide experience with addicts, if they are not in recovery of whatever sort, they are not rational or reasonable. They are rationalizing and unreasonable.

Such a conversation always feels like pushing a mule into a cereal box to me.

Will he see your point? Doesn't sound like it. Will he agree with you? Doubt it. So I guess this is a combo 180 and contract.

The only way the addicts in my life have ever felt anything or come to a point of self-awareness is when I am out of the picture.

And I can understand that. when someone is telling ME what I am doing wrong I instantly get defensive...Especially if I don't want to admit it.

This is tough, so tough to hear you still going through this, and his obliviousness. I think it is easier if someone is "just" an alcoholic because you see the drink, you know the term alcoholic, you see the effects. With the SA we are always guessing and, in my case, taking the slights personally.


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am drawn back in to X's world just now.

I told him today that I need a breather from him and from trying to help each other.

We are both very isolated, we both sort of DO need each other right now. But he was here yesterday, and stayed over, and I felt was dishonest, and also did some SA things that made me feel unwantable.

So I told him, with love and clarity, and not a lot of detail, that I need a breather.

Hours later, he texts me that he is very sad and afraid and do I need to start the breather today. Does he need money? Does he need something else? I don't know.

I told him to call and asked him to talk about his feelings, which is hard for him. He was obviously weeping, and was able to name three overwhelming feelings.

I told him he can come over for company and comfort.

I don't know if this is right, but I can't turn him away.

I am not sure if there IS a right or wrong. Sometimes I feel like I just have to be a human responding to another human's need. Even knowing he has not always done the same.

In fact, is it bad form if I bring that up???

That he has left me in just the same state and refused to talk to me at all?

Hmm..

Anyway. Here we go.

[This message edited by imtrying at 9:04 PM, August 9th (Sunday)]


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
DeterminedOne
♀ Member
Member # 24436
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.jenniferschneider.com/articles/elephant_in_living_room.html

One of the best summaries of the effects of Sex/Porn addiction on the partner/SO that I've ever read.


Me: BS - born in 1969
Him: sick as ever and continuing the behaviors that made him divorced, homeless and jobless
Married for 17 yrs/together for 23 yrs
Children: 1 son born in '92, but idolizes his father & he doesn't have contact w/me


Posts: 354 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Phoenix
Kiki212
♀ Member
Member # 24434
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for that article. I have been working my way through the "required reading" of someone dealing with SA and most of it is very "technical". This article is one that I am printing out for my husband to read. Thank you.


BW & STBXWH-both Mid 30's
No kids together, he has preteen D(visitation-no custody)
Multiple DDays- at least to me (see profile for the story)
Separating & Divorcing.

Posts: 398 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: half past the point of no return
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imtrying,

Thanks for the input -- what you said is good advice. In fact, I've never had a Reconciliation contract. My husband's initial response was so remorseful, so focussed on recovery... He was doing more than I would have expected. Now, however, he's slowly slipped into his "old ways"; albeit without the acting out...yet.
He's a master minimizer and I think that's what he's managed to do over the past couple of years -- completely minimize his addiction. He simply keeps pointing out to me that he doesn't do it anymore...therefore, I should be ecstatic. I'm not. He still doesn't address my needs (only responds that I'm not addressing HIS needs), dismisses my concerns, loses his temper at tiny things, etc. etc.

And today is our 13th anniversary. I know he's disappointed that I'm not making a deal about it...but when someone cheated on you before and after a wedding...it's kinda hard to celebrate the occasion! I took my ring off two years ago and it's still off. I'm married in name. Not in practice.

Lots of work needs to be done at this end...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so totally frustrated and depressed!! FWH was diagnosed "borderline SA" and has talked alot with his CSAT about his money frustrations so the CSAT told him if he HAD to for the sake of money, to focus on couples counseling right now (since we are having a very unhealthy dance with each other right now). So now WE are going to start couples counseling (with another CSAT) and he's only going to be seeing his CSAT once a month!!

WTF???? At the beginning of therapy we were told we both needed help INDIVIDUALLY before we could work as a couple. I agree. I'm COMPLETELY codependent. He says he loves me and is devoted to me, but sneaks around behind my back and looks a porn and lies about it.

How the hell do I face COUPLES counseling if HIS part of the issues aren't fixed???? Concentrating on learning how to communicate and all that other bullshit seems pointless when you are still dealing with someone who's still lying and sneaking around! I'm SOOOOOO PISSED!

My CSAT spent the whole appointment with me basically trying to get me to see how I'm not living my truth -- basically "yeah, it does sound like he has a lot of denial and issues...but you have to decide if you can deal with things the way they are or leave. In a few years you would look back and see how fucked up your relationship is". Not in those words, of course, but I felt like that was the feeling she was trying to get across. BTW - my CSAT was once married to a SA so she knows from personal experience how it feels. She ended up leaving him, healing, and now she's happily married to someone healthy.

I just want someone to tell me yes, there's a CHANCE he could learn new behaviors, or looks like that's just the way he is (and therefore I'd have to leave).

I'M SO SICK OF LIVING THIS WAY!!!!


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping2Heal,

I think that, yes, they can heal and change at some point.

He isn't ready apparently.

You need to do what you need, regardless. Do YOU feel you will benefit from couple's counseling?
Do you feel that your SAH is relaying a message from CSAT that he wants to hear?

Why are you letting him make the choices in your recovery?

I am short on time (and not always tactful) so excuse any unintended 2X4s or bluntness.
It seems that you are waiting to really start to heal until after you see what he is going to do. Recover or not, be diagnosed SA or not, be truthful or not.....

You already have identified your own issues. That's progress, that's about you. Go from there.

You want to be healthy if you are in this marriage. You want to be healthy if you need to move on.
Both scenarios have the same set of recovery steps needed for your own peace.


My SAH has just now, since the middle of June, started to take his recovery fully seriously. He was still trying his damnedest to manage it, tell himself he was different, keep some behaviors that comforted him.

His mantra right now is "doing things differently."
He has a long way to go, but if he could come to this realization on his own, even though it took 10 months, it can happen.

It's a process. Not a linear journey, but a hill and valley one.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chalk it up to my major Codependent-ness. I, personally, have made some major growth in IC and will continue to do so. I'm just trying to manage HIS recovery and am getting frustrated that we haven't gotten anywhere yet.

The CSATs keep assuring me that it takes time and since money is tight they think we should have some MC to smooth the bumps in the road a little before he shells out more money for IC.

I'm just frustrated because I feel like if HE would only stop lying and sneaking around, WE (as a couple) would be perfectly fine.


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, August 10th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h2h,
My husband and I have found Recovering Couple Anonymous helpful. It does stay within the bounds of "the program" but it does give you something that is for BOTH of you. At first I was leery as I am not doing the COSA, S-Anon, CODA thing. I tried it and I knew it wasn't for me. I am not a co-addict, codependent or co-anything. However, I can do this program with my husband as it gives us a chance to spend an hour and a half together - focused- and to meet other couples with the same challenges. Are we hard core into it? NO. Does it help? YES. We've found a way to talk. (for us that was a big step) We got out 1 year chip last week. It might be an option to give RCA a try.

[This message edited by 2br02b at 9:05 PM, August 10th (Monday)]


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, August 11th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in here with all of you wonderful people to ask something so basic, yet I'm floundering.

HOW do you know if your spouse is SA? I know this question has been asked and I read the other posts.

But My H had an LTA and then after four years of reconciliation had an online A with a different woman. He said it was more the feeling of validation/being wanted then the sex. He does not seem to fit any of the other criteria that I found online (not watching porn, chat rooms, mb, prostitutes, etc.), but the fact he could do it again after a significant period of no inappropirate behavior seems to me to fit with addiction. Yet I know that not all people that have multiple As are sex addicts, either. I'm concerned because he's in IC but his IC hasn't diagnosed him, and therefore there doesn't seem to be any focus on addiction/recovery. I am also trying to work on codependency issues while also having good boundaries- I'm still new to figuring it out and confused often as to whether I am doing the "right" thing. I don't want to control H's recovery or have him diagnosed as SA just because I think it fits, but at the same time I am concerned that we are setting ourselves up for another relapse if the issues aren't addressed properly this time.

So, I see a lot of recommendations for books and other things on the subject. I'm overwhelmed- where to start? What order? Any real life experience and wisdom you all can share.

I have been reading your posts and what a wonderful group you are
HB
P.S. Feel free to PM me, too.

[This message edited by hearbroken at 12:58 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)]


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
birdwatch
♀ Member
Member # 19978
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 11th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear hoping2heal,

I know I have not corresponded lately (still working 10-11 hours each day), but you are a dear old friend, and I want you to know I am thinking of you.

You have every right to be frustrated. You feel like it was HIS choices and behaviours (infidelity, SA, lies, etc.) that created the problem in the first place, and now YOU have to face the consequences. It doesn't seem fair, and it is not.

I am not an expert, so I am not going to question your husband's CSAT's advice re: focusing on MC. From my experience though, MC's goal is to help the couple face their joint challenges in communication and in moving forward. MC offers a forum (aka venting ground) where the couple can communicate in front of a trained professional, who can help mediate and facilitate. MC also provides tools to the couple to communicate and deal with arguments.

For example, if you are anything like me, every argument now goes back (at least in my mind) to how my husband has wronged me. You forgot to pick up XYZ from the store? HA! Too busy thinking about having hot sex with your lover? You didn't forget to get her a birthday present now did you?

However, if one of the party continues to engage in inappropriate sexual behaviours, refuses to acknowledge a problem, refuses to take responsibility, minimizes his behaviours and their consequences, and/or lacks the motivation and tools to change his behavours, no amount of communication between the couple in MC will address the root problem. The root problem will re-surface and the behaviours will continue.

My personal view is that MC is beneficial, but should not replace IC.

I have one final thought - my IC once said, "you cannot force someone to counselling by a court order". Even if you can somehow drag an unwilling person to a counsellor, the session will not be beneficial. Like others suggest, you must focus on your own recovery, for unlike your husband, you recognize the importance of your own therapy. Whether your husband recovers or not, whether you decide to stay with him or not, you need to be whole again. Because this is your life, and you are worth it. You are still very young, and you have a whole life ahead of you. Take care of yourself.

Regards,
birdwatch


* Known WS since 2001. Me: 37.
* D Day 1 - Mar 2008: Discovered cyber/phone sex, dating sites etc
* D Day 2 - May 2008: Discovered more "stuff". WS admitted to one A - my gut says > half a dozen.
* R'ing. IC & MC. WS is sex addict.

Posts: 377 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Toronto, Canada
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, August 11th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the book "Decieved" and started reading right away. IT brought up so many feelings. By the time WH got home from work, I was all worked up. One of the first things out of my mouth was that he wasn't on the right path to recovery. That did it and we fought all weekend. He went and took a large chunk of money out of the account so I couldnt pay bills. As some of you know, I just got laid off....so frustrating as once again, Im totally financially dependent on him. I hate being in this position.

Anyways, he began to tell me that Im "RUSHING" him and that just because I read books and websites, I am at a different speed and I shouldnt expect this and that blah blah blah. Of cours then he asks what his "so called" problem is and I tell him he is an SA and he asks if I am a doctor and all of that bullshit! So, I just feel like Im backed in a corner again. He takes off his wedding ring...and says if I have mine off then so will he.

But, he took his off for a reason before...that's when he was cheating. Im just in a funk here! His IC is on vacation. He says I should lethim finish with his IC and then he will "look into" CSAT and SAA.

Just venting, thank you....

[This message edited by whatnowaz at 6:21 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)]


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
1 day at a time
♀ New Member
Member # 24787
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, August 11th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatnowaz

I also recently began the book, Deceived. I have mentioned to my husband that I don't think he is on the right path to recovery and he has commented back to me that I am rushing him. He says that I am trying way too hard to rush this. I have also been told that just because I read books and go on websites, that I am not a doctor and have no right to attempt to treat him. I think sometimes we can get further along in our therapy than our WS and it becomes very frustrating when things seem so clear to us yet not to them.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Philadelphia
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, August 11th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting what you said whatnowaz -- it was reading Deceived that got me focussed on what my husband wasn't doing... And we had quite a heated discussion last night in which he defended his "recovery" quite persuasively.
It really is a good book -- but ironically, I think it allowed me to fall into the trap of focusing on HIS recovery, rather than my own. Reading what she writes fuelled my self-righteous anger and instead of channelling that energy toward what i could do for myself, I focussed on what he was NOT doing for me.
After our conversation last night, I once again realized that I'm not doing enough for myself. I'm feeling overwhelmed, overworked, overwrought and overlooked. I did make the point that I need greater communication from him about what he's doing re.his recovery -- books he's reading, advice he's implementing, etc. He's never been good at sharing that with me and I really need it.

I have an appt. with my IC tomorrow...after more than a month.

to hearbroken,
He doesn't fit the "textbook" Sex Addict. The only way to know for sure is for him to be diagnosed by a CSAT. However,there are online "tests" that certainly reveal is someone is leaning one way or the other.

birdwatch,
Sorry you're still so exhausted. I don't know how you can manage the energy to do anything other than sleep...

whatnowaz,
Keep reading Deceived...with the focus on YOU. You can get better and clearer (aren't I the great giver of advice!? I need to follow my own!) and he can either join you in recovery...or not.

hoping2heal,
The frustrating thing with these diagnoses is that it allows the addict to completely minimize his behavior. If his behavior is causing problems in his relationships (ie. you) and he seems unable or unwilling to stop...that's problematic enough, whether or not he's "officially" an addict.
I'd be like you, I think, resistant to pitch in and mend things which I didn't screw up in the first place!! However, MC might bring things to light -- and regardless of whether it works for you as a couple, the strategies will be helpful for you in any relationship. Could you approach it as a "give it a try" thing? Then, you could choose to revisit it in 5 sessions or so -- determining at that point if it's a waste of money/time or if it's helping.
Whatever you choose, I'm in a similar situation in that my husband wants me to acknowledge my contributions to our marital problems -- which I'm loathe to do since his acting out began before our relationship. I'm left thinking it didn't matter what I did or didn't do -- he was a sex addict. THAT was the problem... However, I'm trying to be open-minded


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 11th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just started Deceived so I am glad to hear these comments. I do NOT want to focus on my husband's problem. I want to concentrate on me and my recovery. I will watch out for the re-fueling of my resentments and anger towards H and his SA.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
flappergirl
♀ New Member
Member # 25117
Helpless  Posted: 12:40 AM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm new here. My partner is an SA who acts out with Porn. We have been married for 14 years and countless d-days since 1997, when I first discovered his secret obsession.

I have done everything I can to try and deal with this problem. In the end, he just would not give it up, or at the very least, be honest about his struggle with it. It's not like I don't already know about it.

Any way, due to a lie late last year about a relapse, I moved out (needed a place that wasn't "tainted" and a retreat for me). We don't have any children (except our dog) so that makes things less complicated, I guess. Anyway, it seems the minute I start feeling better and contemplating R, he relapses again (last month), and worse, lies to my face about it (twice). It really was kind of a minor slip, but it is still problem behavior for him that leads straight back to a full on relapse, IMO. Anyway, at the point in which he finally comes clean (week and half ago), I ask for NC from him for a month, so that I can think about what I want for the future; R or divorce.

It's so hard, I know if I was advising my sister or a friend, I would be of the opinion that they should probably leave. But, a few days into NC, I'm just a wreck. I miss my best friend. He wasn't a very good husband, but he is/was my best friend, always has been, for the last 16 years. I just miss him so much, if not for the lies about his behavior and the intimacy consequences from his addiction, our marriage would be pretty good. I'm having a really hard time making a decision, here. He wants to stay married, and is devastated that I have issued NC.

I finally thought that THIS time was the last straw, and that I was firm on my decision to file for D, and it was for about a week. Then, I started missing him, badly. Anybody have similar feelings of ambivalence? And, if so, how did you overcome them, one way or the other?

[This message edited by flappergirl at 12:43 AM, August 12th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2009
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh totally. Each time, though, I have felt a little less like agreeing to try again.

I guess you just notice how you feel when you are together - does it make you feel good or bad or nervous or happy or ??

For me the anxiety of never knowing what he was concealing and lying about made it eventually too tough to be in a relationship.

But we are trying, even at this early date, to stay friends. I am, anyway, who knows if he has secret agenda...


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flapper-
My stay or go decisions are based only on my husband's recovery. We only had one d-day, but I won't stay with him if he isn't working his recovery. My husband is fully aware that if he relapses back to daily use, I'm done with the marriage.

We do have kids, and I won't make them grow up steeped in dysfunction as I had. I feel so strongly about this, that there is no way I will compromise my children's emotional and mental health.

Can you feel that strongly about yourself? What can you do, to resolve that you will not stay in situations that negatively affect your emotional well-being?

IMHO, we can't make stay or go decisions based on emotions. It sounds crass to be clinical in nature about it, but I think we must be clinical. Emotions come and go.

What do your boundaries say you should do in this situation? If they say this is the last straw, are you strong enough to follow through? If you aren't, maybe that's signaling you need to work on yourself a bit.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
flappergirl
♀ New Member
Member # 25117
Helpless  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, imtrying and IRN2006.

For me the anxiety of never knowing what he was concealing and lying about made it eventually too tough to be in a relationship.

Yeah, that is exactly how I feel too. It's really the lies that get to me and devastate me in this relationship. I hate it.

What do your boundaries say you should do in this situation? If they say this is the last straw, are you strong enough to follow through? If you aren't, maybe that's signaling you need to work on yourself a bit.

That's good advice. My boundary was that this was it. No more lies. I would have been ok, had he just honestly told me he slipped and that he was working his recovery. This has been his pattern, pledges to be honest and then more lies from him. Lies are why I moved out in the first place. I guess that is why I can't seem to make a decision, my emotions are all over the place, one minute I feel bad for him and want to stay, the next I'm so angry and I'm done. I've got to think about this some more, but my gut is telling me that he will never truly break out of this cycle. I guess I've got to somehow be strong enough to do what I know I need to and what I had said I would, if he lied again. I just don't really want to (at the moment, anyway).


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