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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
RedheadTX
Member
Member # 19079
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, August 25th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternal - Thanks so much! It does feel brutal.

I have been wondering if I was overreacting. I was just so looking forward to hearing about how her first day of junior high went and it was nice to have something to look forward to in an otherwise crappy day, so I think it just hit me particularly hard.

I can feel myself falling into some of my codependent behaviors the last few days and I really need to get focused on ME again instead of trying to get into his head and figure out what he is thinking. Much easier said than done for me!


Me-BS-33
Him-WH-35 (ihatedrphil)
11 yr old daughter
Countless PA and EA
Most recent Dday-4/08 (9 mo. affair w/OW who didn't know he was married)

11/08 - Found out he is still talking to the previous OW as well as at least three others.
6


Posts: 296 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Houston
imtrying
♀ Member
Member # 22031
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 25th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Redhead- I can't believe he would send a text like that... so awful. And, yes, to swoop in and pick up your daughter like that was hurtful, inconsiderate, mean, selfish, etc. Not ok.

I wish I had more smarter things to say but I am feeling not very smart. I know how shocking that selfish SA (or perhaps any WS) behavior is. It's so against any concept of decency.

Flower - I like your list very much...


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
RedheadTX
Member
Member # 19079
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imtrying - Thanks! I couldn't believe it either. I thought swooping her up like that was all of those things, too. I appreciate the validation, because I have been driving myself crazy wondering if I was just being jealous and petty. I think I was definitely being jealous, though.

I was journaling pretty furiously yesterday morning about it all. LOL


Me-BS-33
Him-WH-35 (ihatedrphil)
11 yr old daughter
Countless PA and EA
Most recent Dday-4/08 (9 mo. affair w/OW who didn't know he was married)

11/08 - Found out he is still talking to the previous OW as well as at least three others.
6


Posts: 296 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Houston
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Redhead~ I don't walk in your shoes, and Im not really one to talk or give advice, but sweety it seems to me he isn't committed to you and maybe it's time to walk away. I know feelings and emotions aside, it's easy for me to say this. But, I believe you know in your heart what you need to do. Im so sorry you are going through this, but I know there is a light at the end of your tunnel!

Flowermom~ I too have a WH
that seems to think he can do this on his own. He has been seeing an IC not a CSAT. He told me last night he wants to see his IC one more time and then he'd see the "people"I want him to. But for now he says he's doing good, that he doesn't need to "do anything" that his mind is focused. Im'm like "why wasn' it focused before?" Anyways, I too have no way of knowing. I don't try and check his phones, or folow him. Im done with that behavior, Im DONE living the life of a detective!!! This is not an easy thing to live with, Im sure we ALL can agree on that!

It's just a day at a time. Just trying to focus on myself and the kids. One day I may walk away. Or I may grow old with this man. I really don' know and cannot begin to worry about that today.

Im rambling! But, I'm here for all of you!


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its Baaaaaaaackkkkk!!!!
He's falling into the pit again. I am sure of it. This time he is being even sneakier, because he knows I am watching. He is in the initial stages of looking on the web for "friends" and viewing some softer porn. In addition, he has applied for a new credit card to be sent to his work, and has started to masturbate again. I know what I have to do, but it is so hard!!!! I want to hide and curl up into a ball and scream. He loves his addiction more than his family, or me, but will deny it to the end of his days. He is such a pathetic, tragic figure- and I cannot be pulled into the pit with him.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flowermom,

Argh!!!!

You can be forgiven if you do simply curl into a ball for a bit and lick your wounds. If you have your boundaries (and consequences for violating them) in place, then your next steps become clear.

Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flowermom --

I'm so sorry

(((flowermom)))


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
Imsohurt
Member
Member # 25261
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, August 27th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

I am new hear...sixty days and counting since D-Day.

I would like to know what you all think of my situation and if it sounds like SA. Here goes.

We've been married for 15 years..two young kids. Husband was a very good man over all, business executive, very bright, good to me, amazing dad...no real major problems in our marriage (atleast I thought).

To make an extremely long story short.....Over the years I've just 'felt' something wasn't right..like he was cheating, then I'd convince myself I was completely nuts..no way would he. But over the Christmas holidays, I used his computer and saw a bunch of porn website addresses that were all massage porn fantasy sites. Then, I had a lightbulb moment of a time he'd mentioned getting a great massage on a business trip. I realized then that he must be involved in getting erotic massages. Totally shocked, I continuted to watch his computer every day to see what he'd viewed...and the massage porn continued...along with other porn. He is away on business a lot, so he wasn't home everyday for me to monitor to see if this was daily.

I finally confronted him in June after being in denial and also afraid. I asked him if he'd take a polygraph to find out if he'd been getting massages. He admitted that he'd been to massage parlors and gotten in-call massages at his hotels...about 30 times total. He insisted it was hand jobs, no oral, no intercourse. (polygraph was inconclusive, but examiner said it leaned toward truthful..) Not that just getting handjobs isn't outrageous!!!! But he was not having sex. I tend to believe this was a good guy trying to justify it being okay to cheat because it wasn't sex-sex.

He was into porn for years. I'm still not sure of the frequency (he says a couple of times a week.) He said he would use it as an 'aid' to mb to so he wouldn't bother me in the morning while I was asleep.

He also admitted to doing cybersex and phonesex a handful of times. I don't know if this is true or not. He said it was stupid and he didn't like it.

Husband is completely remorseful, swears he does not have a problem; just got lost and was stupid. He says the porn was just an 'aid' to relieve stress quickly; and he would've rather have been with me...but felt like a jerk to bother me in the mornings or late at night.
He has completely stopped everything...Of course I cannot monitor this, but haven't seen anything on the computer.

I have insisted that there cannot be a single drop of porn (IMO this was a gateway to the other crap), or anything else or I will immediately file for divorce. We began IC, but the doctor suggested he go to a CSAT. He has an appointment next week. I am demanding he go and he is willing to do anything to keep us together; but he swears he has no urges, could've easily stopped, etc. He says the definitions of SA sound much more extreme that what he experiences.

What do you all think about the possibility of SA?? Are there levels of this addiction?

Also, is it true that no sex and no masturbation is a requirement? How does this work? What is the philsophy behind this?

Thank you all very very much!!!


Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2009
Imsohurt
Member
Member # 25261
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, August 27th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

I am new hear...sixty days and counting since D-Day.

I would like to know what you all think of my situation and if it sounds like SA. Here goes.

We've been married for 15 years..two young kids. Husband was a very good man over all, business executive, very bright, good to me, amazing dad...no real major problems in our marriage (atleast I thought).

To make an extremely long story short.....Over the years I've just 'felt' something wasn't right..like he was cheating, then I'd convince myself I was completely nuts..no way would he. But over the Christmas holidays, I used his computer and saw a bunch of porn website addresses that were all massage porn fantasy sites. Then, I had a lightbulb moment of a time he'd mentioned getting a great massage on a business trip. I realized then that he must be involved in getting erotic massages. Totally shocked, I continuted to watch his computer every day to see what he'd viewed...and the massage porn continued...along with other porn. He is away on business a lot, so he wasn't home everyday for me to monitor to see if this was daily.

I finally confronted him in June after being in denial and also afraid. I asked him if he'd take a polygraph to find out if he'd been getting massages. He admitted that he'd been to massage parlors and gotten in-call massages at his hotels...about 30 times total. He insisted it was hand jobs, no oral, no intercourse. (polygraph was inconclusive, but examiner said it leaned toward truthful..) Not that just getting handjobs isn't outrageous!!!! But he was not having sex. I tend to believe this was a good guy trying to justify it being okay to cheat because it wasn't sex-sex.

He was into porn for years. I'm still not sure of the frequency (he says a couple of times a week.) He said he would use it as an 'aid' to mb to so he wouldn't bother me in the morning while I was asleep.

He also admitted to doing cybersex and phonesex a handful of times. I don't know if this is true or not. He said it was stupid and he didn't like it.

Husband is completely remorseful, swears he does not have a problem; just got lost and was stupid. He says the porn was just an 'aid' to relieve stress quickly; and he would've rather have been with me...but felt like a jerk to bother me in the mornings or late at night.
He has completely stopped everything...Of course I cannot monitor this, but haven't seen anything on the computer.

I have insisted that there cannot be a single drop of porn (IMO this was a gateway to the other crap), or anything else or I will immediately file for divorce. We began IC, but the doctor suggested he go to a CSAT. He has an appointment next week. I am demanding he go and he is willing to do anything to keep us together; but he swears he has no urges, could've easily stopped, etc. He says the definitions of SA sound much more extreme that what he experiences.

What do you all think about the possibility of SA?? Are there levels of this addiction?

Also, is it true that no sex and no masturbation is a requirement? How does this work? What is the philsophy behind this?

Thank you all very very much!!!


Posts: 53 | Registered: Aug 2009
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 27th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imsohurt,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this...but glad you found this site. It's a wonderful resource for info and support.

Only a CSAT can really "diagnose" sex addiction, though if your husband is telling the truth, is seems he's on a slippery slope toward it. He also seems to be minimizing the "only" hand-job sex and implying that, by masturbating to porn he was being good to you by not waking you up -- all signs that he's not fully recognizing the extent of the betrayal and the damage it does to a relationship.
In any case, there certainly are "degrees" of SA, just like there are degrees/stages of any addiction.
It's wise to insist he go to a CSAT and let him determine exactly what you're dealing with.

I'm sure some wiser folks will be along soon with their take of your situation. 7yrs -- are you out there?? You might want to PM 7yrs, who's extremely well-informed about SA.

Hang in there. We're here...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, August 27th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Imsohurt --

I'm still new to the porn/sex addiction part of all this so can't give you lots of advice, but I can try to share some of the basics.

What do you all think about the possibility of SA?? Are there levels of this addiction?

It certainly sounds possible to me, but I'm no expert. It's good that he's going to see a CSAT -- he'll do an evaluation with your WH. And yes, I believe there are levels of the addiction. However, that does not mean that they are not addicted.

Also, is it true that no sex and no masturbation is a requirement? How does this work? What is the philsophy behind this?

With some SA, it's highly advised to go for a certain period of time -- usually 90 days -- with no sex and no MB. As I understand it, that allows the brain chemicals to clear (sort of like drying out for an alcohol or drug addict) and also allows both partners a chance to experience closeness and intimacy without the pressure of sex. However, this is usually discussed with the CSAT. And one of the goals of SA treatment is to return to a normal, fulfilling sex life *with your spouse*. Treatment for SA is often compared to treatment for eating disorders -- the goal is not to learn to live without the behavior altogether, but to learn to live with a healthy behavior.

You might find a few websites interesting if you haven't found them already -- SA.org (sexaholics anonymous), COSA.com (for spouses of SA), candeocan.com (porn addiction), Recoverynation.com

Hope this helps a bit -- keep posting!


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 27th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imsohurt-

Until I discovered my husband's addiction, I thought he was cheating on me. Turns out, he was acting out with porn.

We did not do the 90 day detox. We actually went the other way and had lots of hysterical bonding. My husband's CSAT knew about this and seemed OK with it. Most will say though that abstaining from any activity for 90 days is necessary to sort of reset the brain.

Since my husband's addiction involves porn and masturbation, he can no longer engage in those activities. So for him, if he wants to stay married to me, that no masturbation for the rest of his life is a requirement.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn about the addiction, heal yourself, and figure out your boundaries.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 27th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imsohurt~

Porn and mb can definately be addictive. Like the other's said only the CSAT can determine that in your husbands case. But, let me share something. My good friend has dealt with this same thing in her marriage. Her H mb's to porn. At first it was with movies. She would block all ordering and threw out tapes. Then they could not have a computer in the house. He'd find another way. He'd rent a vcr when he was away on business. He'd go to his dad's to order a movie...and so on and so on. All the while he was in a 12 step program. She and I would compare our situations. I'd think to myself, "If my WH ONLY had a porn problem" meaning atleast he wasnt cheating. I realize that wasnt fair, as we each have our own boundaries for what ok and what isn't. I never had an issue with my WH masturbating or looking at pron. Im getting ok task now....
My point is, yes it can be an addiction just like anything. The first step is your H is willing to see a CSAT. That is great. You'll have to take it from there and see how serious he is about making your marraige work(without the porn or massage parlors)it can be a hell of a road! I always caution that if this is an addiction, there can always be slip ups. For me I am always waiting ont he "other" shoe to fall. This has turned my life upside down.

I believe if he wants to stop and commit to the marriage and family, he can recover from this, if it is an addiction. We are all going through similar things so we are here for you!


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, August 27th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Went to my first COSA meeting tonight. It overlaps a bit with work, but they're okay with my coming late.

It was very... freeing to be able to meet with people who understood and didn't judge. I'm going to go back next week.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 29th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurtbs --

glad to hear you had a good experience! also glad to hear you didn't feel "judged" --

How's everyone else doing? RedheadTX? Are you OK?


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
debbied
♀ Member
Member # 25354
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, August 29th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've realised from reading this thread my h has a major si.he has downloaded huge amounts of porn.he wants sex every day sometimes more.he has sexually abusive towards me in the past for what he was supposedly treated for.And now I discover he has been on a dating site over the past 2 years at least and has been having sex with so many ow that its prob double figures.some have been one off and others brief flings.he has lied to all of them and said he is single.I have no choice but to leave him because he will never admit he has a problem and I think it would take years of counselling as I said before he had had treatment.I now realise that when he was having treatment he was on a dating site and meeting ow.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Aug 2009
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 29th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Debbied,
I responded to your other post.

Did your H have a CSAT?

If not, sexhelp.com (org?) has a section to help find one in your area.

Having treatment is pointless if the addict is not truly serious about his treatment. I know this from watching my SAH spend 7-8 months just trying to the bare minimum and not getting his heart into it.

Just as an alcholic has to choose to become sober, so does a Sex addict.

You cannot do it for him. YOu can only take care of yourself.

What do you need today to be safe and healthy? It may mean no more than being sure to eat something, take a shower, get sleep. Tomorrow you will ask the same question and find the answers that take the focus from him and onto you where they belong.

You are not alone, we have all been there in one way or another. Keep posting, feel free to PM, and be patient as this particular board goes in spurts, especially on the weekends.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 29th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

debbied --

Welcome to the forum -- how are YOU doing? You say you're leaving him -- we can all understand how you'd arrive at this decision. Do you have somewhere to go? Children? Family or people IRL who can help support you emotionally?

It's important that you take care of yourself right now, and it sounds like you're already taking steps in that direction. Keep us posted --

Hugs to you.


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
debbied
♀ Member
Member # 25354
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fortunately for me we are already seperated now and I live with my 2 children.My h was also treated by a psychiatric nurse for his SA who specialises with SA and sex offenders and so he was suppose to have had treatment but I now discover that whilst having his treatment he was seeing ow so obviously wasn't engaging in the process.I know now I can't stay with him.He still poses a risk to me and ow.What he did to me he could have gone to prison for but because he is the father of my children i thought that treatment was the best option.This man has serious issues that I realise only he can sort out.I must now continue my life alone with my kids.

[This message edited by debbied at 5:17 AM, August 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 620 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtAngel
♀ New Member
Member # 25317
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, I am so sorry to find so many people going thru what I am. I thought I was alone but now find I am not. I am/was engaged to who I thought was my soul mate. When we met our lives just connected so perfect. Our thoughts, our dreams, our passions, we had such chemistry. This is the man I wanted to grow old with and spend the rest of my life with. Well last Sunday, 1 week ago today I found him on a adult sex site. I was furious at first. We had a wonderful fulfilling sex life. Why would he have to there? Well with alot of digging I have found he has met many mnay people off of this site. He has had sex with many people off of this site. He goes to Meet & Greets as they call them. I have no idea what happens there. But I have visions in my head. Well he says its all my fault because I wouldnt marry him right away. This past Monday I moved out. We worked oppisite shifts so weekends were our time. On Friday he left me a message that I had better be back when he got home from work or he was going to go into chat and find the first girl and was going to fuck her really really hard. And he repeated himself again. I turned my phone off for the night. He says he can stop whenever he wants and he does not have a problem. I havent told a single soul about this. He was married and has 2 grown daughters. His oldest daughter called me when she found out I left. She told me he was abusive with her mother and it was sex sites they got their D over. I didnt tell her about him now. How can a man of 44 of been so wonderful for 2 years and now all of a sudden do this? How can he say I am the love of his life? He says I will never know how much he loves me. I woke up 1 day to find my life is a total joke. What the heck do I do now?

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Lansdale PA
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