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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, September 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faithfool,
You said:
he's very scornful of anything that smells of 12 steps....which doesn't bode well.

Have you looked into Recovery Nation? My husband and I are doing our separate workshops and will do the couples workshop. Self-paced, health-based and very helpful. I can't say enough about it.
www.recoverynation.com


Me – 51
Him – 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 – 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 – 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Sad  Posted: 12:47 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is falling back into his addiction. D Day was at the very end of March, 09. After the confrontation, he agreed to go to counseling and stop his behaviors. He refuses addiction counseling, although he is a classic addict. I have read everything I could get my hands on to become educated about SA, and I was very concerned because he has shown so many signs of really not "buying" into what he needs to do. Last night I found porn and escort sites on the cache of his computer. He had erased the evidence from the history and the cookies. He also has a pay as you go cell phone hidden in his car. I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for so long, and have asked him how he was doing all along. I have also strongly suggested addictions counseling, but he flat out refuses. He has been snooping in my computer files, and is increasingly paranoid. I am afraid it is time to finally pull the plug. the Marriage has been on life support for a long time now, and it seems as if he wants to have his fun times and the marriage too. Not with this woman!


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((flowermom)))

I am so sorry! How long have you known about the secret cell??? We are SO here for you. You must do what you feel is best in your situation. Only you can decide. I, unfortunately fear I will also be in your shoes again someday. At some point enough is enough! Hang in there sister...keep us posted!


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gettingthrough

I'm not sure about this one -- it would certainly be better if he would take the initiative and make the call himself. I printed out a list of CSATs in the area and give it to my WH; he then chose one convenient to his office and made the call himself.

Does your H say why he doesn't want to call?

He says he is too busy and doesnt know who to call...truth is I have always taken care of everything for him. Dr. appts, really everything! His IC said I may just have to call for him....but I have come to learn that his IC doesn't know shit about SA...I found and spoke to a CSAT and he seemed fine with me making the appt. but I also told him I would try and have WH call. That was over a month ago.

[This message edited by whatnowaz at 2:14 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok guys, I haven't got this multiple quote thing down so I am posting for the third time....LOL

Stop~ Sounds like you are on a good road to healing yourself. Keep it up!

Faithfool~ I agree with the others. I am not sure why you would be "inviting" him to R when he is in the depths of his addiction? I am in NO WAY judging you, just trying tounderstand what is prompting your indeas. He hasn't agreed to get help? Not even MC? Or IC for that matter? I agree waiting to see what your IC says is a good idea...


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatnow- I found the phone just recently. It is one of those cheap ones you can get in any convenience store. The battery was dead, but there was a phone number stuck on it with a post it. When the number was called, it was from an escort service. I found the same person from the escort service in his cache. Craig's list is still operating in a less public area, and this is where he got the info from. I am keeping track of him as closely as possible, but I cannot monitor him 24-7. I also refuse to do so. He knows the limits, and he knows the ramifications. I understand that this is an addiction, but he was on the very night I left town. I think he was waiting for an opportunity to sneak back into his "hobby". I am going to get the phone and try to find a charger. I will then check the history and have a further idea of what I am facing. Thanks so much. FM


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flowermom -- I'm so sorry he's acting out again. You already know that you can't control him or his addiction

Have you set boundaries with consequences? It sounds like it's time to take care of YOU. Good luck and keep us posted.


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, September 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2br02b, I sent him a link to Recovery Nation this time last year. He did nothing to follow it up and actually got kind of pissy about the fact that I sent it to him.

whatnow, no worries, I think it was the full moon messing with my head. I go back down the garden path to happy days sometimes and just want him back.

I spent a couple of days in the fog, peeling back another layer of my grief, but I'm clear of it now.

It is utterly unrealistic and he has clearly moved on (five women in as many months of separation? he's in very very deep, no doubt about it).

I just have these warm fuzzy fantasies sometimes that have no substance in the cold clear light of day.

I left him because I knew I would have to do all the work, and I know that's not how these folks are healed.

Time to pick myself up and move on.

Thanks for listening. Anyone who is taking this on has nothing but my admiration and respect.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:04 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16607 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

faithfool,
I sent him a link to Recovery Nation this time last year. He did nothing to follow it up and actually got kind of pissy about the fact that I sent it to him.

His loss, but I can't say enough good things about the Partner's Workshop on Recovery Nation for YOU! The lessons work whether you are with your partner or not and many on the site have been apart from their SA partners for years; but still need to work a health-based recovery for themselves. I would highly recommend it.


Me – 51
Him – 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 – 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 – 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I'll definitely check that out.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16607 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I found out more, and the results are n ow set. I found on his computer that he had been on just a few says ago to find some girls from an escort service. He had names (two) so I am sure that he had "fun" with them at one time. So, it appears that he is getting ready to have another party time. He also had the phone number for an "escort" and it was through the same service for a girl he had looked up on Craig's list. So, there appears to be at least three. He only admitted to one. I can't go on playing this game. These hookups are in very bad parts of town, and he is exposing himself to crime and more disease than he has already brought home. Sadly, after waiting and giving him the benefit of the doubt, I realize that it has to end. He wants his hobby more than me or our marriage. At least I can do this with a minimum of guilt.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((flowermom)))))


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
Silla
♀ New Member
Member # 23443
Sad  Posted: 12:26 AM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. So many posts to read and hard to catch up with most of the stories. Although it has been hard for me to write anything in this forum, I have always found emotional comfort and moral support by just reading your stories.

It has been almost a year since DDay and I am still feeling sad, confused and completely lost. My feelings about my situation haven’t changed much . I am stack in the grieving process, sometimes, I just feel that this is as good as it gets for the rest of my life.

I stopped going to SAnon because I am struggling with the HP . The program is great but I feel that one has to believe in some kind of HP to get full benefit of this program. The people in the meeting didn’t make me feel in any way that I have to believe in something higher than myself, but I just felt like everyone has a HP they identify themselves with.

It seems like the very shallow religion value I had prior to this situation is now completely vanishing to the point that I am doubting any HP will help me get thru this.

Maybe, I am just feeling hopeless about my recovery and I am still in denial of my SA and I am just creating excuses for who knows what. The bottom line is that I feel very guilty miserable.


Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
MoreThanMe
♀ Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I have sex with my rSA?

So, it's been three weeks since DD. (I've been a lurker all three weeks.)

My H's SA was porn (no sex with me) which led to one (he says and I tend to believe him-he fessed up to it all) sexual encounter with a woman from an affair website

Once our MC told him there was a such thing as SA-he went to a SA counselor and the 12 steps. And read Patrick Carnes SA book.

He takes full responsibility and told me a lot more than I could have found out. He didn't dare get cute and try to blame on ounce of this on me.

I am in IC (I told him no more MC unless and until he gets his act together).

Maybe it's TMI but after 2 long years of basically abstaining-I want to. Plus, I am pregnant and we have a toddler as it is-my days are numbered!

I have just begun SA reading-am in IC.

When we did have sex-it was never demeaning or anything-his SA didn't enter our bedroom. Well, only in the sense that he would have rather spent his time with porn.

But we are not in MC yet.

I KNOW it's a personal decision-but I need guidance. I really have no idea.

I want to-but is it a bad thing?

It's only been 3 weeks-to. I just know let him move back into our home-to the couch in the basement. With a list of rules to establish boundaries& consequences-which so far he has respected. Of course I'd make him use protection. That he didn't with OW-is the one thing that makes me want to abstain. Idiot.

[This message edited by MoreThanMe at 2:46 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 694 | Registered: Sep 2009
Workinonit2
♀ New Member
Member # 25419
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to introduce myself to this thread. My WH is attending SA meetings as part of our agreement to reconcile.

The hardest thing so far has been that we still haven't really cracked the 'why' part of his behavior. I think that needs to happen in order to not backslide into it.

But he is attending meetings, which I'm proud of him for. And I'm working on my side of things as best I can.


Me - BW, Him - WH
Together 10 years.
3 years of online cheating sites, singles ads, cybersex, pornography.
3 month EA + kiss w/co-worker.
Firmly reconciling for 1.5 years.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Sep 2009
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all! I haven't been back to this forum for a while, and I am sorry for all the pain that everyone is dealing with here, there are a lot of new people (again!)

I wanted to let everyone know that it is crucial to do the work on yourself, also, and not just worry about your SA spouse. I have been doing a lot of work on myself, and have realized that this was not the first sex addict that I was with. I dated a guy for ten months about 11 years ago, and now, looking back, I am quite sure he was a SA also. He also was a recovered alcoholic, and a compulsive gambler.

And, I have just fallen head over heals for a new guy, who I just realized this week is also an alcoholic.
Apparently I have not done enough work on myself. I thought I was moving forward real well, and I have in many areas, but in the love department, still same old same old. And the weird thing, the very first time I met him, there was such a strong magnetic pull for me that I could not stay away from him if my life depended on it. I haven't had an attraction to any other guy like this since my SA WS.

Took me 4 months to figure out he was an alcoholic. We haven't gotten serious, so I am working on pulling away my feelings again, and I still don't know why I am so utterly attracted to this kind of person, and how can my body know what he is before my head does?

So now I am worried that if I feel a strong attraction towards someone, they most probably have to be an addict. Because I just don't seem to feel anything towards anyone else.

I'm not trying to depress anyone here thinking of moving on, just sending a warning to be careful, and figure a way to work on your issues first. I'm still in counseling (once a month now), but she said that at least I am able to acknowledge it now and see it before it gets out of hand. I have also been working real hard and trying to see what he can do FOR me, instead of the other way around, as usual. What does he have to offer me? (Nothing, since the liquor will always come first). So I know I have to detach, but it is hard when every cell in my body wants this guy.

Hope everyone is doing well, I didn't have time to read thru too many posts, as I have homework to get to now.

((((hugs))) to all!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14900 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain,
I am so glad you posted that! I have heard lately how some spouses of SA will decide to stop going to support groups or IC, because they are divorcing. We will just return the same type of partner if we don't learn about ourselves.

Faithfool, that is what I thought about as I read your post. Your STBX is familiar to you. Same old unhealthy patterns draw us in, it seems to be instinct. I thought it was a damn lucky wake up call to you that you need to make sure you get healthy as you get away from him.

Morethanme,
I am glad you asked that question. I have been meaning to post here with my experience with the abstinence. You are ahead of the game just knowing it is a personal decision at this point.

I think you have experienced what we did in our M. Very little infrequent sex. Years of that.

Once word of the Affairs came out, we had a lot. He was still hiding things. It decreased again. Each time he came clean about things, we would become more sexually active. (I do not use the word intimate here)

I think your desire to be sexual with him in mixed in with feeling closer to him as he learns these things about himself. That is intimacy, the honest opening up of one's deepest self. If you are like me, this is such a new thing that you feel such a huge difference in the closeness you feel with him.

Great thing is that eventually if he is serious about his recovery, your relationship can be even more intense. I look back now and am amazed at how I tender I became with even the smallest signs of vulnerability and honesty.

Now my SAH is just now hitting 79 days of a true 90 day abstinence. He started the first one last October. Almost a year for him to be able to not M-bate or look at porn!He hadn't made it past about 45 days in this past year. This last attempt has been genuine. That has been the change. He did it for him this time. He truly wanted to be sober and was willing to use the tools he was learning.

Now for my decisions regarding his abstinence and sobriety. He started the first time, lost it, and waited to start again for a week or so. Yes we had sex in the interim. I was still resentful of all the times we hadn't in the past, especially knowing why at that point. SAH tried again. Made it about 20 days.
During this time, the CSAT he had been seeing, left the program. SAH decided to wait for the new CSAT to tell him to start 90 days abstinence again. First appt with the CSAT he didn't bring it up. Second visit he still didn't.

Throughout this 2-3 week time, I was just so frustrated! How was I supposed to act? Sex or no sex? I felt he needed to TELL me when and what to expect, darnit, I am affected to!
I finally broke down and let him know how upset I was. IN the midst of this tirade, it hit me: It felt like all of those years I wondered, I waited I wished, for him to be in the mood. WHY?

I should be the one to decide when I would like sex. It should be a mutual thing between a couple if they both want to. Why in the world was I letting someone else dictate this?
This was last December.

I told my SAH that I would not engaging in sex until I felt ok with it. It has opened my eyes to what feelings I did have about sex, before my SAH and in the marriage before.
I feel funny saying it, but I really think Everyone should do this. I like my SAH a lot. I see our relationship in a different light and I feel so much closer, with sex is not even on the table. We are really getting to know one another. I am really getting to know ME.

We just discussed it this week, and until we work on the intimacy exercises, and both feel ready, it is most likely not going to happen for a while longer.

OK, I did not mean to go on so long, but I have been meaning to say some of this, as I was helped so much by hearing other's struggles and successes in recovery.

And in the end you will see I did not really answer your question, just like the wise women here did not for me. You will decide what is right for you when it is right for you. Have faith in yourself and keep educating yourself about SA.

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 8:17 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
hope4tomorrow
♀ Member
Member # 21673
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all!

It's been a very long time.

I'm still doing my step study. We're at step 4 and it's really hard. I haven't even started on my husband (who has hurt you?). It's painful enough to go through everyone else! I'm also going to Celebrate Recovery WASA meetings and that is very helpful for me, too. That is a great group of women that are there right now and I love going.

I don't even know what his recovery is like. I'm just not worrying about him at all.

I'm having a hard time emotionally because tonight it was one year ago that he had his last ONS with 2 different women.

But over all, I'm doing ok. Just continuing to focus on me and what makes me happy and taking care of my kids. I don't know what is going to happen with the marriage but it's really not been unpleasant at all. I've just come to realize that I may never have the husband that I want or need and that when I'm ready, I just may have to move on. For now, I'm just taking care of me and trying to get healthy.

I have not even read very much in awhile because I've just been so very busy. Hopefully I can jump back in now that school has started.

Welcome and hugs to all the newcomers. I'm so sorry you are here but it's such a wonderful group of support here.


Me BW
Him WH-SA
Married 12 years
3 Beautiful girls 8 and under

Posts: 346 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, September 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silla -- sorry you're feeling stuck. Are you seeing an IC? From what I hear, getting close to the 1-year anti-versary is pretty emotional -- maybe some others can give you some guidance.


Morethanme --
Welcome! Sounds promising that your H is already reading, doing work toward recovery. As far as sex and the 90-day abstinence period, my WH and I discussed this with his CSAT. The advice was that it was totally up to us -- did I feel pressured to have sex? What was our sexual experience like for both of us? Since our sex life has been pretty good for both of us since D-day, we decided to skip the abstinence period and just be very aware of each other's feelings. I'm not really sure that there's a right vs. wrong answer, as long as you feel comfortable with it. However, others who are more experienced in the SA treatment/recovery rollercoaster may have different opinions.

Workinonit2 --
Welcome to you, too! As far as why? I'm not really sure how long it takes to get there -- my WH has only been in counseling for 4 months and he's nowhere near that yet. In the meantime, keep doing your own recovery, concentrate on what you need to heal.

Welcome back, NaiveAgain!

It's good to see the thread active again!


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, September 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silla,

I'm sorry you're struggling. I think it takes as long as it takes. I find that sometimes I feel stuck...and other times I become aware of how far I've come. It might help to notice that, though you're not where you'd like to be, you're likely a lot further along the path to healing than you were a year ago.

Morethanme,
I, too, don't think there's a right answer to this, though I know some of the others disagree. I think that, as long as you feel comfortable with it, go for it. Your husband's counsellor might think otherwise. Is he seeing a CSAT? I know that some maintain that a 90-day abstinence from ALL sexual activity is required to basically rewire the brain.

Workin

Welcome -- I'm glad you introduced yourself. It sounds as if you're doing great. Please post as often as you want -- it really helps all of us to get different perspectives and feel less isolated.

NA,
Good to see your post! I'm sorry you're discovering your own addiction to addicts.
I, too, look back and notice that most ex-boyfriends were similar in their intensity/compulsiveness. I've always found that exciting...not surprisingly, I grew up in an alcoholic home with lots of drama. I've needed to learn that drama isn't excitement...it's exhausting and distracting.

And hello to all the others -- newcomers and old-timers, too.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
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