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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happyending,

Sounds like a good problem to have in my opinion. Stay detached until your spouses recovery efforts are way more than just words.

1 Counseling
2 12 step group
3 Fully, freely admits actions
4 Puts in the effort to control the addiction one day at a time.

I think I could tell if my wife was sincere and you can probably tell also. But sincerity of intent can easily break down battling a powerful addiction. Bringing you right back where you were. Protect yourself until correct things are happening and progress is made steadily for a good long while. Just my opinion. Good luck and congratulations on being where you are.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may sound crazy but, how do you know if you have detached? I don't cry about his problem anymore. I can go all day without calling him or wondering why he hasn't called me. I have stoped all relations....I feel more detached than ever before....but not quite sure what it's supposed to feel like.

He is at his CSAT appointment...I really don't believe he will share with me how it went. I am assuming the CSAT will want to meet with me as well? We'll see how the night goes...


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatnow az,

I'm not sure I can ever know if I am at the "right" level of detachment. I see it as one day at a time and just do the best I can. My COSA group's and my counselor's feedback are important to me otherwise I might get lost in my tendencies.

otoh I don't think I want to hold myself accountable for getting it "just right" because thats a bit codependent right there !!!

Daily reading and meditation/prayer help me and remind me of my purpose, which is to control myself and build my life not focusing on her progress or lack of it.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whatnowaz-

For me, it seemed I knew I was detached when I could clearly enforce MY boundaries without worrying what impact that could have on the M or on him. I really believe boundaries and detachment go hand in hand.

Boundaries are for keeping you safe. Being in a healthy relationship is safe, being in a twisted shit-storm with an SA is not safe. But you have to value yourself and take care of yourself first, in order to enforce your boundaries. Detaching from the disease and its side effects on you is a huge first step in self care.

If the M is ever going to be saved, what you have done to protect yourself won't cause any damage to the M. If the SA is ever going to commit to recovery, they will want to protect you, too.

To me, detachment and boundaries are so closely linked it is sometimes hard to tell them apart, but they both need to be present for good self care.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3551 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Detachment for me came when I realized that I had
1. Created a vision for my life
2. Stated what my values were/are
3. Set up clear boundaries/consequences
4. No longer gave a s*#t if the husband liked it or not
5. Learned to accept what IS.

[This message edited by 2br02b at 8:24 AM, September 25th (Friday)]


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny how, as I'm struggling to understand detachment, I'm faced with a situation in which I must practice it!!!
Here's the situation: I have a friend who lives in LA (I'm near Toronto). She will be near Boston in two weeks and wants me to try and meet up with her for a couple of days.
What do I do? I call my husband, tell him I'd really like to go, outline all the ways in which this will be easy for him (over a weekend so kids don't need pickup from school, etc). I realize, with a knot in my stomach, that I'm basically asking his "permission" to go. I want to hear that it's a great chance for me, go for it, I'll take care of everything. Instead, I get -- in my husband's new-found expressing of his feelings -- that he feels uncomfortable about it, resentful, feels as if he can't go anywhere on his own because of what he did (the SA). So now I feel awful. I just want to cry. For years, he flitted all over the world (Paris, Switzerland, etc. visiting HIS friends) while I stayed home with three kids. And even when he WAS home, he wasn't really around.
Clearly, we still have a lot of crap to wade through re. our old marriage, but this new marriage doesn't seem to be much better...
Advice on loosening this knot in my stomach?


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EO-

FWIW, since my husband has been in recovery, he's more supportive of me getting away. And the majority of the childcare/home caring still falls on my husband. (I work 60 hours a week.)

Could you open up a discussion with your husband? Ask him why he feels resentful or uncomfortable? I don't know you well, but I'm assuming you have boundaries for your behavior.

If my husband said that to me, I'd really wonder how much recovery work had been done. Maybe I'm reading into things, but if my husband said he was upset that he could no longer continue in behavior because of his addiction, that would be a sign that he didn't want to deal with the consequences of his addiction. Or projecting because that he may not have had boundaries, you won't either?

Is there any way you can arrange for childcare over the weekend? That's what I'd do. Honestly, validate his feelings, and tell him you've found someone to watch the kids so he doesn't feel like he's holding the bag. Then I'd go and have a good time.

ETA: About detachment

I think I'm more detached because for the most part, I really don't emotionally react to life much these days.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 10:10 AM, September 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IRN,

You've hit the nail on the head, I think. My husband hasn't been in counselling. His IC stepped back from private practice because he's setting up a lot of SA treatment programs in addiction centers. So my husband was told to find someone in the city(they'd always done it via phone because the IC lives far away). Has my husband done that??? Nooooooo. Have I asked him to? Told him he needs to? Yes!!!! We're meeting with our MC on Monday and this is something I plan to bring up.

EO


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
justafool
♀ Member
Member # 23195
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure how to start a new question here, so if this is not the right way, please send me a message.

So . . . my FWH and myself have talked about the possibility that he has had a SA. He was into porn - videos, online, online dating communities, a couple of times at a strip club (which I recently found out went further than I thought) and ultimately an A. I haven't asked the graphic details of the A, because I don't really want to know, but knowing the OW, I have no doubt that there were things involved that were never in our marriage. All of this I was unaware of except for the very tip of the iceberg until D-day. The catalyst for d-day was him looking at porn in the middle of the day with me at the kitchen table. I caught him and it went downhill from there.
We are working hard at R and he says like he has "come clean". He is doing all the right things, and I have no reason to think that anything is going on. When I ask him about anything porn related, he says he doesn't need that now, he has me.
I am hopeful, but not 100% convinced. I do think that he had a SA, and he has said maybe, but is not seeking any kind of IC. He talked to our MC a couple of times about it, but he says he can change all of that on his own.
This is my concern: In the past, I have been pretty conservative, although I tried to keep him happy. After d-day, we have been more open about our fantasies, etc. and he shared several that I really was uncomfortable with. Almost like he was wanting me to go over to that world. However, in the months that followed, he didn't say anything else about the controversial ones, so I chalked it up to part of his brief fog.
This past weekend, though, one came back up. This is graphic, so please don't be offended. He told me that he would enjoy watching me pleasure myself while I watched online porn. Honestly, this terrifies me. I really thought he had left this stuff behind, but for him to include it in one of his fantasies makes me realize that he hasn't. I'm not sure if I am overreacting or not. He is being open and wants it to be a partner thing, but I am still nervous.
I kind of see it as a step down the slippery slope again.
Please, please give some advice. I am just really nervous here.


Me: 37
WH: 40
Married 19 years
High school sweethearts and "onlies" until OW
Little D-day: 2/23/09 (found phone bills)
D-Day: 3/29/09 total confession of affair lasting over a 9 months with one woman:(
Things are looking up!

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2009
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, September 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Justafool,

I have read that it is fairly common for codependent partners of sex addicts to allow themselves to be drawn into sexual or other acting out situations simply to try satisfy their partner.

I don't think it matters what the behavior is, the key is whether you want to do it. If this is something you would enjoy for you- it's probably not a problem. If you are doing it justto please him but don't like it for yourself. I think you should maintain your own standards and expect him to respect your needs.

As a codependent myself, I recommend you read up some on codependency and find out if you are in "our club" if so, you can learn how to drop his own crap in his own face and live to your own standards happily. Lots of books are available on the subject and there are COSA groups in a lot of communities. Maybe you aren't codependent at all but it may be worth giving yourself the check up. Good luck and "to thine own self be true"

It is common practice for sex addicts to blame their partners. Does he do this? Are you afraid he might say well you wouldn't ...... and I need that so thats why I acted out. If you can hear him saying that he is a manipulative and I hope you won't allow that to intimidate you into somewhere you don't want to go. After all if you do go along with it, it will just be something else until he does get his "excuse"

[This message edited by Stop at 6:29 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, September 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justafool,

You're NOT just a fool, you're someone who trusted the person you took vows with.

Stop has given you very good advice. Regardless of whether he is SA, you need to ensure that you have clear boundaries in place about what you're comfortable doing and what you won't put up with in a marriage (ie. sex outside the marriage, sex clubs, etc.).
And regardless of whether he's SA, I wonder if he's really worked through why he went outside the marriage. Has he examined this? Do you trust that he won't do it again? What steps has he taken to ensure that he won't do it again? To say he won't turn to porn because he has "you" implies that he didn't have you before. Why does he think this?

Recovering from an affair, and/or SA can take an enormous amount of time and energy. If the time isn't spent up front, the issues will rear their heads at some point down the road.

Please keep posting. There really isn't a right or wrong way of posting a question. Just jump in and ask...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
justafool
♀ Member
Member # 23195
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has never put any of the blame on me for his A, or any of the other stuff. We are working on the "why" - sometimes it is slow progress, sometimes there is a breakthough. I hadn't really thought about the "I have you now" comment, but it will come up in conversation.
I am not really sure WHAT I am comfortable with at this point. Until I do, I guess the best thing is to wait. I know in the past I have done some things I look back on and wonder if it was the right time.
Thanks for your support. I don't know if we belong in this club, but I think there is a strong liklihood.


Me: 37
WH: 40
Married 19 years
High school sweethearts and "onlies" until OW
Little D-day: 2/23/09 (found phone bills)
D-Day: 3/29/09 total confession of affair lasting over a 9 months with one woman:(
Things are looking up!

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2009
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

justafool,

Have you tried writing down how you feel? Sometimes in the process of writing, we can "see" something that we'd overlooked or we'll get a bit of an epiphany about why we're feeling a certain way.
I often find talking over an issue with a friend is like thinking out loud and also gives me clarity that was previously lacking.
I know the feeling you describe and it can be a really uncomfortable place to be.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
KGT_123
♀ Member
Member # 17881
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been a few months since I've been on... I think it all just got to be too much for me and I tried to bury my head in the sand.

Obviously that doesn't work.

I do know I am doing the best I can in a very difficult situation.

WH has been going to the CSAT weekly since mid May without being diagnosed as a SA. This CSAT is supposed to be very good and is the one that trained the other 3 CSAT's in our area. He was trained in the Carnes approach. I've decided its probably not the CSAT but that my WH has not been 100% honest.

Why should I have thought any differently.

Yesterday WH had his appointment with the CSAT. Before he left I put a letter in his car that he could read before he got to his appointment and bring it in with him. The letter explained that I know about his use of internet porn every time I am out of the house or nobody is looking. I have a keylogger on our home computer but I didn't want to reveal my sources so I said I looked in the cache internet temp files. He is not computer literate enough to know. Neither am I for that matter and I wouldn't know how to do that anyway! I told WH despite the CSAT's lack of diagnosis, as someone who lives with him, I know he is a SA. I explained that I understand I can't control him but that I hope he makes the decision to get help.

I can post my letter if anyone is interested.

He was a little angry when he got home so I left him alone. I didn't push him to talk. When we were in bed we did talk a little. He got defensive and said, "so I am just a deviant!" After that outburst we talked a little and he told me the CSAT read the letter and made a copy of it.

WH said we would talk over the next few days. He needed to digest some of this on his own.

At this point my biggest concern is not for me but for our daughter. If he doesn't have help how will he ever be an engaged father? It makes me want to cry.

One other thing I am struggling with is that I never wanted to have only one child. Our daughter is 2 years old... WH and I are both getting older. There is no way I would bring another child into our current situation. I feel as though he has ruined our chances of having another child.

I am working on becomming financially independent in the event we do need to separate. I have a very good job and income but am trying to dig us out of a mountain of debt he put us in by making bad financial decisions - during his A's as well as non-A related things.

Does it ever end? Really? I am so tired.


Me - BW (35)
Him - WH (41)
One Little Peanut - 2 years old
1-21-08: D-Day 1 - OW1
3-5-08: D-Day 2 - OW2
12-5-08: FULL DISCLOSURE from 1&2
4-23-09: Found WH trolling on Ashley Madison
4-29-09: D-Day 3

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NYC / Long Island
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KGT_

I know it's difficult to be in this reality of yours, I just want you to know you are being heard! I have no real advice. Just a big hug for you!

My WH had his appt. with CSAT over a week ago. here's the jist of it...CSAT said he doesn't think my H is a SA, but has those tendencies. Also, he decided he needs to see my H every week at $150 a pop. We are so broke, there is NO way. Then on top of that, he kept talking about these retreats that he does out of town. I'm beginning to think he is a salesman. UGH!

I have been so good, in the past, at pushing this all to another place and pretending life is good. I just wanna run away, and pretend again. I just don't want to deal with this, I don't want this to be my life!


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
KGT_123
♀ Member
Member # 17881
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you whatnowaz.

CSAT said he doesn't think my H is a SA, but has those tendencies.

WTF??? WH's CSAT said pretty much the same thing. And WH has been going every week since May at $195 an hour. Grrr.

CSAT might be changing his tune after I pointed out the porn usage. We shall see.

WH and I had a long talk last night way into the night. He was angry part of the talk, upset, sad, etc. We finally just stopped talking and went to bed. This morning he sent me a text message saying, "I just want you to know i am sorry about last night. I do recognize I have an addiction and I am working hard to fix it. I do thank you for your letter and I took corrective action with CSAT and myself".

This is the first time WH has admitted he has an addiction. Mabye this is progress but I'm making no assumptions.

I understand you whatnowaz. I want to run away from my life too. I wish I could leave my job for awhile, take my baby and go somewhere for an extended vacation.

[This message edited by KGT_123 at 11:23 AM, October 2nd (Friday)]


Me - BW (35)
Him - WH (41)
One Little Peanut - 2 years old
1-21-08: D-Day 1 - OW1
3-5-08: D-Day 2 - OW2
12-5-08: FULL DISCLOSURE from 1&2
4-23-09: Found WH trolling on Ashley Madison
4-29-09: D-Day 3

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NYC / Long Island
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember well the feeling of wanting to run away. You feel as if you're stuck in a situation not of your own making. This is NOT the life you signed up for. I know, I know!!

Unfortunately, it is the life you have and you both (whatnowaz and KGT) seem as if you're doing the best you can. I wonder if part of the problem is that you're trying to manage your spouse's recovery. I think it's completely fair to set boundaries around what behaviour you will and won't tolerate. However, then you have to let go. Believe me, I know how hard that can be. But I've also learned (the hard way) that my sense of well-bring and, ironically, control over my own life comes from letting my SAH control HIS own life...and his recovery.
Whether or not your husbands are text-book SA or not doesn't matter so much as the fact that they recognize that their behaviour is negatively affecting their ability to be a good husband and father. If they will acknowledge that -- and take steps (whether seeing a CSAT, 12-step group, reading books, etc.) to recognize the path they're on and stop going down that path, then I think you'll both see an improvement.
Part (much??) of the problem with SA is the stigma attached to it, making it a much harder thing to admit to. There is the notion that it's perverted or a deviant. But the more they read about it (Carnes books, if you/they haven't read them, outline SA in compassionate terms), the more they'll be able to recognize what has taken them to where they are...and how they can overcome these negative coping skills.
Hope I'm making sense. I basically just wanted to make the point that if you focus more on yourselves and less on them, I think you'll feel a bit less trapped.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
KGT_123
♀ Member
Member # 17881
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eternaloptimist - you make some wonderful points, as usual .

I feel like when I let him manage his recovery it will either not happen or happen at a snails pace. He won't be 100% honest not because he doesn't want to be but because he doesn't know how to be (FOO issues). I feel like he needs that push. I feel like as his wife, I should be the one to give him that push.

Getting help for his "issues" is a requirement for me to stay in the marriage at this point. I guess I just haven't been specific on what that entails. I pushed the situation by spilling with the porn info. I thought that might nudge WH in the right direction with recovery. Should I not have done that?

I'm sure I have significant codependent issues... but I went on the COSA website and answered the questions and didn't answer too many of them positively. I e-mail the COSA administrator for our area and have not heard back. It hasn't been updated since 2007 so its probably not an active group.

Outside of that, I don't have the energy to get the individual help I need. Find a good therapist, spend the time and money. Besides, WH's therapy cost us $195 an hour. Truly thats all we can afford right now.

Sometimes I feel like I do okay on my own. I go to work and am functioning (not as high as I used to be) and accomplish my job, I am a good mother (I think I could be better though) and I am a good friend, daughter, etc. I am managing my life. I am not engaged with WH but I think I am still too shell shocked to be engaged with him. Also I am sitting, watching and waiting to see what he will do next.

Thats it for now. I hope everyone finds some peace this weekend.


Me - BW (35)
Him - WH (41)
One Little Peanut - 2 years old
1-21-08: D-Day 1 - OW1
3-5-08: D-Day 2 - OW2
12-5-08: FULL DISCLOSURE from 1&2
4-23-09: Found WH trolling on Ashley Madison
4-29-09: D-Day 3

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NYC / Long Island
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My soap opera continues. I had decided to file for divorce a while back, but was giving it time to see if things would change. Change is not always good. While the verbal and emotional abuse is over (in a way), I have been finding out things that have just floored me. My SAWS has had a membership in a gay cruising site for out local area. I am very sure that he has had contacts there, and has befriended someone. He is in contact with his favorite hooker, and I also have discovered that there have been many others. I have proof going back over 3 years. He has indulged in every form of sex you can think of. And then he would come home to me and claim I was too puritanical. The papers will be filed in the new year. I have some financial things I need to take care of, and other plans to launch. I am no longer sad or hurt. He is a very sick man who won't take care of business.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KGT and Whatnow,

I think that we all bristle or cringe when we hear that we may be trying to manage our partner's recovery. I used to feel the old feelings I would have when my spouse would call me "demanding" or controlling.

"Managing" their recovery doesn't feel like we are doing something wrong because we are doing it out of love. Not all love is doled out in healthy ways, for us or those we are trying to "give" to.

I have been trying to change my terminology from "I am a codependent" to "I have codependent tendencies." Codependent behavior is not, at it's most simple foundation, bad.

It is normal feelings of love and nurturing that are somehow distorted into unhealthy loss of our own self. Everyone has an ability to slip into codependent behaviors. Take parents for instance. How many times do we keep our child from learning a very simple lesson in natural consequences and "save" them? Heck I see it in many little things every day such as when mom or dad doesn't want their child to have shoes on the wrong feet. Not a horrible consequence, an easy and non emotional learning experience and still we try to save them. A bit simplistic, hopefully you get what I mean.

It isn't your problem or your work to do, to convince your SAH or his CSAT that he is an addict. EVEN if you do convince either one to go ahead and accept the label, if your SAH is not serious, it won't matter. My SAH knew he was an addict long before the diagnosis, the CSAT had no hesitation giving him the diagnosis, and yet, it still took almost 8 months of weekly Group therapy, biweekly IC, and twice weekly SAA meetings for my SAH to really start recovery.

The point is, that no one else, not CSAT, or a loving helpful wife, nor sponsor, nor fellow addicts can get your spouse to take this into his heart until he is ready.

It doesn't feel like it right now, but when you really do let go of the outcome, the peace you feel will help guide you.

[This message edited by too trusting BW at 8:06 PM, October 2nd (Friday)]


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Topic Posts: 1000
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