I still feel the need to check up on him. Why do I do this?
They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!
Wow, I am so sorry for the new secrets you have uncovered. That was always a fera of mine...the gay thing. being on the "downlow" as a man on Oprah once called it. so far I haven;t found any of that. It would be really hurtful, sick actually. I am so sorry. You sound like you are in a strong place...is that correct? I don't want to assume. Hang in there. I know this has been a journey for you. I am proud of you for making this decision, if that is what is right for you. You deserve to be happy!
Because you don't trust yourself and you don't trust him. After d-day (and we only had one) looked through the computer every chance I could, to see if I could find something new. I never did. As my husband and I healed from this, I began to trust him and I trust myself now.
Maybe not for months or years but eventually I will find out. I still don't know what I will do then. I can't worry about that.
See, this is where boundaries are helpful, and even necessary, when one is in a relationship with an addict, recovering or not.
Having my boundary in place helps me to know that if and when the time comes, I know what to do. I will act in a way that honors myself and my children. My boundary is thought out, so I'm not reacting emotionally, rather, acting from a position of strength. When we've got our boundaries set, it isn't about the other person, it's about protecting ourselves.
[This message edited by IRN2006 at 8:59 AM, October 3rd (Saturday)]
I just don't know what boundary to set other than to stop sleeping with him, as I have done already. If this happens again, I'd really like that to be IT. I want to be done. Just don't know what place I will be in if and when that happens....
I have a back up plan of how we can afford two households. I've seen a lawyer so I know how long divorce should take and I understand the process. I have a job. I'm actually the breadwinner in the family.
I also have a savings account with only my name on it. My husband is aware of it. There's enough there to hire a lawyer or to leave with my children and move to an apartment for 6 months. (Or do some combination of both.) If I don't ever need to divorce, we can take one hell of a vacation.
And, I know I always have my therapist if I need her.
So, no matter where we are if/when relapse happens, I'll be able to take care of myself and my kids, if need be.
I still see some blameshifting on his part and have thought about an "in-house" separation i.e. modified 180 as a boundary unless he is willing to get assessed by a CSAT. I'm terrified he will do this again...... just like you said, maybe not now, but could be years from now..again.
I'm wondering what other boundaries people set with their H's. I struggle with the difference between setting boundaries and trying to force/control H's recovery
Obviously, he cheats and there is a dday 3 I have decided a D is the only option. But I'm sitting here for awhile b/c we have 2 young kids and I want to do everything I can to avoid tearing their world apart.
Hugs to everyone on this Board. There is so much wisdom and like I said I lurk often but don't post much b/c I'm not sure where I belong. Sorta feel like I am out on a limb by myself trying to figure it out. Luckily I do have a COSA group through church that I am also going to that helps me get the feelings out and refocus on ME.
I'm sorry if I offended you whatnowaz in my post about controlling his recovery. It's something I've struggled with, particularly in the beginning and your post sounded so much like my own issues. That said, I've sometimes found that when someone says something that gets my back up, sometimes it's because they've hit a nerve...something I don't want to admit or see. Sometimes, they're just plain wrong...
My husband, too, had sex with men. Took me quite awhile to deal with that particular little surprise. However, it can often be part and parcel of SA -- it's simply another "high". Men will often tell you it's appealing to them because it's less complicated, less risk of becoming emotional than women.
Hang in there...sounds like you're feeling strong.
"Help is the sunny side of control."
Sometimes good to remember that when we're trying to "help" our husbands, kids, friends, etc. etc.
It sounds like you are doing the right things for you and have made a decision when you were ready. Good for you. I expect you will have many more painful days before its over but I wish you peace and happiness.
Stay strong. Stay in touch with yourself and your higher power.
I am sure you would rather have your pain and your life than have his. ((((flowermom))))
I'm sorry for the agonizing you've gone through to reach your decision. But with little/no remorse and disclosure, I suspect it's a matter of time before he slips back into full-blown SA.
Sad that some addicts simply can't see the other path.
Hang in there. I'm thinking of you and sending you strength...though it sounds as if you're strong enough on your own.
Now, 6 months after confrontation, he feels relief, for he thinks I have decided to stay and let him off the hook. No, he is not off the hook. I have found out more since d-day, and it is only because I need full information before I can make a well informed decision
I understand your frustration and impatience but 6 months after discovery is really not very long. Many SA cannot bring themselves to divulge a complete history until they themselves have learned the skills they need. You say your husband is not in recovery. I feel that as long as they are not in recovery there will never be a full disclosure. It took my husband almost 1½ years to give me "full disclosure". However, it took him working hard at his own recovery, maturity and vision to be able to do that. It was terrifying for him and his writing it all out was tortuous for weeks. But what I am trying to say is IT TAKES TIME. It takes patience and it takes them knowing they can trust you enough to share the most frightening part of their lives. For SA, that's really intimate and difficult. It's baby steps and it's a long haul.
he is starting to fall back into his addiction
IMO, I think it's way too early in the game to expect complete transparency from your husband.
Since d-day, he's seen one therapist who refused to work with him and referred him to a female CSAT, yeah that's not going to happen. He tried one support group that was too religious and not an actual 12 step program and has now hooked until the local SA meeting. He has gone back to his Psych and told the truth, prompting both a med change and a referral to a Psych that specializes in these issues to get a referral to a male CSAT. He has filed ADA paperwork to change his workweek so he can go to therapy on Fridays. He has started Recovery Nation. And, last night he sat down and presented a plan of action to me. He identified his triggers and listed safety nets to avoid and address those triggers. He set out a plan to fight for recovery and ultimately health. And, he promised brutal honestly and full transparency to me for the rest of our lives. Promised to provide the same to his Psych as well.
Will it work? LMBO, hell if I know. Its been 3 weeks of sobriety. Its enough that I'm still here and I'm still standing. But, I'm also taking care of me, the kids and a future where I can continue to stand even if I cannot rely upon him for anything anymore.
I'm doing the Recovery Nation stuff for spouses and I joined a partner's support group. Its the too religious one and not 12step but the only one for partners in town so I'm going to continue trying it. I'm finding it spiritual abusive in a lot of ways and really NOT okay with some of the material I've worked through already, far too much emphasis on my fault in this and seeing addiction in degrees (lots of implications if I had caught this when it was *only* one thing that he wouldn't be down the road he went down )
Anyway, I'm here. Its a long road back to sanity I'm afraid. And, I'm not even close to getting there yet. But, at least I am still standing, which I wasn't doing 3 weeks ago.
Welcome. I think you'll find a lot of support here -- and a lot less judgement than you're getting from that program.
You sound like you're doing great under the circumstances, which is no easy feat. Keep focusing on you and doing what you need to do to keep your head on straight. I'm glad you can recognize when subtle (or not so subtle) blaming is going on. This is your husband's issue to work on and recover from. You can heal yourself -- and work to keep your family strong. But the rest is HIS stuff to do. And he does sound like he's doing everything he should be in terms of support.
Time will tell whether he's sincere and can keep up with it.
Keep on posting. There are lots who are a few years out who can share their journey.
You might also want to read some books: Mending a Shattered Heart is a good one; Deceived by Claudia Black is even better, in my opinion. Both are aimed at spouses of sex addicts.
Sorry you've joined this club, but it sounds as though you're on the right path.
Just a suggestion. If the group you are going to is not for you (and it sounds as thought it's probably not) try Al-Anon. Not quite the same, but it is the grandaddy of all 12 step groups for spouses. You can work the steps for whatever problem you are dealing with thru Al-Anon. You can also call the World Service Office of S-Anon to be hooked up with a long distance sponsor who can help you work a program specific to sex addiction.
Good luck, and keep the focus on yourself.
That said, he encouraged WH to continue all the steps he is doing but most importantly TAKE HIS MEDS.
WH told him the reason he quit taing the meds was because they weren't working well enough (though since adding a med for the sleep disorder we discovered this spring they are working *much* better). Psych added a new med that is supposed to control the manias and manage the compulsive behaviors.
He is sending WH to a CSAT but long-term feels the key is NOT the route of addiction but Bipolar management.
WH is not changing his plan of action but I have hope that if WH is totally honest with his Psych maybe we *can* get through this.
Welcome to our little group that none of us ever wanted to part of. The support level here is amazing.
I agree with Bamboozled. If you have an Al-Anon group in your area, you may find it more supportive. I am of the evangelical ilk and I would go there over that 'kind' of church group. More guilt is not what you, me or any spouse needs; it's counterproductive. It's not Celebrate Recovery is it? I can't see that it would be as CR is church-based but definitely a 12-step program. And if it's following its mandate, it would never consciously make the spouse feel in any way responsible for the addiction. I don't attend it or Al-Anon anymore because I just do not have any reserve energy left over after a full-time work week takes everything I have, which isn't a lot as I am chronically ill. I am still working the 12 steps on my own and find it invaluable. However, when I did go to Al-Anon, I was welcomed with open arms. It was obvious a couple of people were puzzled by the whole idea of SA, but were still supportive.
I can understand how your H's psychiatrist thinks it's hypersexuality common in bipolar clients in a manic phase. I work in mental health and I see this regularly. However, I guess it comes down to whether your H is using porn/sex to 'medicate' his pain or 'just because'. Bipolar patients tend to get hypersexual only in a manic phase; it's more of a symptom as opposed to a coping mechanism, as I understand it. Whatever the case, the psychiatrist is right to manage the disease, no matter what, as I'm sure you know only too well.
Again, welcome and I wish you clarity and peace in your journey. Hugs!!
Edited to add:
my life is a SA's handbook and I never knew it.
Oh yeah! That was me in a nutshell!
[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 6:58 PM, October 14th (Wednesday)]
But, he had a workplace affair and I do NOT see that as part of either pattern related to his mental health issues. He was not attached to his AP but when she suggested NSA sex, he was all for it...until she started attaching strings and trying to rope him in emotionally.
My best guess for the affair is that he had eroded his own morals with his behaviors and had ceased to care what was right and what was wrong.
No matter how significant the impact of his mental health issues, he still has a LOT of work to do on himself and on this marriage.
But, he did tell me last night that he will always be 100% compliant to his mental health care in the future. He said he always assumed if he didn't manage his mental health the worst that would happen was that he would be suicidal and kill himself. He now realizes that by being non-compliant the worst that could happen is that he would hurt the person he loved most in this world with a pain worse than death.
He claims he never wants to hurt me in that manner again.