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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, October 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

too trusting....Wow! That was deep! I'm glad you posted that. I had typed a post in response to my "controlling his recovery" and I did want to defend myself. It's true though. Even if my WH is NOT diagnosed as an SA, he still behaves like one. LOL There is nothing I can do or have been able to do to change this. He claims he's done with all of that. I do NOT believe it. Yet, Im here still in the marriage. Pretending things are fine. They actually ARE fine...right now. But, he will most likely fall back into some behavior of his, and I will find out. Maybe not for months or years but eventually I will find out. I still don't know what I will do then. I can't worry about that. I can only worry about me and MY actions.

I still feel the need to check up on him. Why do I do this?


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, October 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flowermom~

Wow, I am so sorry for the new secrets you have uncovered. That was always a fera of mine...the gay thing. being on the "downlow" as a man on Oprah once called it. so far I haven;t found any of that. It would be really hurtful, sick actually. I am so sorry. You sound like you are in a strong place...is that correct? I don't want to assume. Hang in there. I know this has been a journey for you. I am proud of you for making this decision, if that is what is right for you. You deserve to be happy!


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, October 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still feel the need to check up on him. Why do I do this?

Because you don't trust yourself and you don't trust him. After d-day (and we only had one) looked through the computer every chance I could, to see if I could find something new. I never did. As my husband and I healed from this, I began to trust him and I trust myself now.

Maybe not for months or years but eventually I will find out. I still don't know what I will do then. I can't worry about that.

See, this is where boundaries are helpful, and even necessary, when one is in a relationship with an addict, recovering or not.

Having my boundary in place helps me to know that if and when the time comes, I know what to do. I will act in a way that honors myself and my children. My boundary is thought out, so I'm not reacting emotionally, rather, acting from a position of strength. When we've got our boundaries set, it isn't about the other person, it's about protecting ourselves.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 8:59 AM, October 3rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IRN....

I just don't know what boundary to set other than to stop sleeping with him, as I have done already. If this happens again, I'd really like that to be IT. I want to be done. Just don't know what place I will be in if and when that happens....


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only have one boundary. Relapse=divorce.

I have a back up plan of how we can afford two households. I've seen a lawyer so I know how long divorce should take and I understand the process. I have a job. I'm actually the breadwinner in the family.

I also have a savings account with only my name on it. My husband is aware of it. There's enough there to hire a lawyer or to leave with my children and move to an apartment for 6 months. (Or do some combination of both.) If I don't ever need to divorce, we can take one hell of a vacation.

And, I know I always have my therapist if I need her.

So, no matter where we are if/when relapse happens, I'll be able to take care of myself and my kids, if need be.



Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, October 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all!
I lurk here but don't post much, but this is a good discussion about boundaries and I am in that muddy water with how to exactly do that! Whatnowaz- my H isn't officially diagnosed either, but had a 4 year lta and then 4 years later had a two week online A (that was just this last April). So H doesn't fit the "typical" SA profile (no porn, etc.) and therefore his IC and him think he does not have an addiction, and thus he has not been treating it as an addiction.

I still see some blameshifting on his part and have thought about an "in-house" separation i.e. modified 180 as a boundary unless he is willing to get assessed by a CSAT. I'm terrified he will do this again...... just like you said, maybe not now, but could be years from now..again.

I'm wondering what other boundaries people set with their H's. I struggle with the difference between setting boundaries and trying to force/control H's recovery

Obviously, he cheats and there is a dday 3 I have decided a D is the only option. But I'm sitting here for awhile b/c we have 2 young kids and I want to do everything I can to avoid tearing their world apart.

Hugs to everyone on this Board. There is so much wisdom and like I said I lurk often but don't post much b/c I'm not sure where I belong. Sorta feel like I am out on a limb by myself trying to figure it out. Luckily I do have a COSA group through church that I am also going to that helps me get the feelings out and refocus on ME.

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The talk about boundaries is a really important one because it is difficult to differentiate between when we're trying to control our spouse and when we're trying to protect ourself. It reminds me of what I say to my kids re. "tattling" and "telling" -- tattling gets someone into trouble, telling gets someone out of trouble. With boundaries, it's similar, though of course there will be some overlap.
Boundaries are there to protect you. But the key is -- and it's a toughie -- you have to let go of the outcome. You have to set boundaries to protect yourself and, if he violates those and therefore you don't feel safe emotionally and/or physically, you follow through with the consequences. It's not about threats or demands -- though he might perceive it as both. You are simply making your choice...and leaving him to make his.
It seems so easy in writing and it's terribly difficult to do in real life. You'll slip, get confused...but if you keep coming back to it, eventually it'll become easier and clearer. You'll realize that the knot in your stomach has loosened. You'll recognize that you feel capable and strong.
And, on the same note, if your husband if following a strong recovery program, whatever that might look like, it goes a LONG way toward allowing you to trust again. Not completely -- I think those days are gone. Even now the occasional thought will flit across my mind if my husband is late or something -- I'll think, he could be doing pretty much anything right now and I have no way of knowing or of stopping him.
But I'm far enough along to know that's HIS choice...and that would make my next move clear. Not easy...but clear.

I'm sorry if I offended you whatnowaz in my post about controlling his recovery. It's something I've struggled with, particularly in the beginning and your post sounded so much like my own issues. That said, I've sometimes found that when someone says something that gets my back up, sometimes it's because they've hit a nerve...something I don't want to admit or see. Sometimes, they're just plain wrong...

flowermom,
My husband, too, had sex with men. Took me quite awhile to deal with that particular little surprise. However, it can often be part and parcel of SA -- it's simply another "high". Men will often tell you it's appealing to them because it's less complicated, less risk of becoming emotional than women.
Hang in there...sounds like you're feeling strong.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, October 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My therapist had a sign in her office that I often think of:

"Help is the sunny side of control."

Sometimes good to remember that when we're trying to "help" our husbands, kids, friends, etc. etc.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, October 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has been a long,painful road. I have found strength I never knew I had. The depths of my SAWH addiction is astonishing, and the stuff movies are made of. I will divorce. I found out the truth and extent of his acting out only through my own actions. Nothing except partial truths and lies have come from him. He refuses to accept the full impact and depths of what he has done, and the remorse, if any, is shallow and self serving. He has blamed me, minimized, rationalized and denied. Now, 6 months after confrontation, he feels relief, for he thinks I have decided to stay and let him off the hook. No, he is not off the hook. I have found out more since d-day, and it is only because I need full information before I can make a well informed decision. I now have that information, and he is starting to fall back into his addiction. I cannot live with myself if I let this abuser and self centered bastard continue to deceive me. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, October 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flowermom- my condolences for your pain. I expect a similar outcome at my house now that I am learning to take care of myself and let go of the outcome.

It sounds like you are doing the right things for you and have made a decision when you were ready. Good for you. I expect you will have many more painful days before its over but I wish you peace and happiness.

Stay strong. Stay in touch with yourself and your higher power.

I am sure you would rather have your pain and your life than have his. ((((flowermom))))


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, October 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flowermom,

I'm sorry for the agonizing you've gone through to reach your decision. But with little/no remorse and disclosure, I suspect it's a matter of time before he slips back into full-blown SA.
Sad that some addicts simply can't see the other path.
Hang in there. I'm thinking of you and sending you strength...though it sounds as if you're strong enough on your own.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
2br02b
♀ Member
Member # 19664
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flowermom,
First off, I am sorry you are going through this difficult time.
Now, 6 months after confrontation, he feels relief, for he thinks I have decided to stay and let him off the hook. No, he is not off the hook. I have found out more since d-day, and it is only because I need full information before I can make a well informed decision

I understand your frustration and impatience but 6 months after discovery is really not very long. Many SA cannot bring themselves to divulge a complete history until they themselves have learned the skills they need. You say your husband is not in recovery. I feel that as long as they are not in recovery there will never be a full disclosure. It took my husband almost 1 years to give me "full disclosure". However, it took him working hard at his own recovery, maturity and vision to be able to do that. It was terrifying for him and his writing it all out was tortuous for weeks. But what I am trying to say is IT TAKES TIME. It takes patience and it takes them knowing they can trust you enough to share the most frightening part of their lives. For SA, that's really intimate and difficult. It's baby steps and it's a long haul.

he is starting to fall back into his addiction

THAT is a boundary you can enforce. Continued acting our, no active attempt at recovery would be enough reason for me to pursue a life separate from him.

IMO, I think it's way too early in the game to expect complete transparency from your husband.


Me 51
Him 53 (and SA)
D-Day#1 9/19/1981
D-Day#2 11/23/2008
D-Day#3 - 6/6/09 (Actually D-Day!) - full disclosure given.
Forgiveness - 8/30/09
Married 29 years
2 adult children
Reconciling
2BR02B - that is the question.

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Phoenix, AZ
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this group. Now 3 weeks past d-day. Our story is complicated by the fact that he is Bipolar with OCD. But, for the last 5 years he's apparently hidden a long string of prostitutes, a couple one night stands, several visits to massage parlors and a workplace affair. He literally had a checklist and compuslively was checking off his list until he got caught.

Since d-day, he's seen one therapist who refused to work with him and referred him to a female CSAT, yeah that's not going to happen. He tried one support group that was too religious and not an actual 12 step program and has now hooked until the local SA meeting. He has gone back to his Psych and told the truth, prompting both a med change and a referral to a Psych that specializes in these issues to get a referral to a male CSAT. He has filed ADA paperwork to change his workweek so he can go to therapy on Fridays. He has started Recovery Nation. And, last night he sat down and presented a plan of action to me. He identified his triggers and listed safety nets to avoid and address those triggers. He set out a plan to fight for recovery and ultimately health. And, he promised brutal honestly and full transparency to me for the rest of our lives. Promised to provide the same to his Psych as well.

Will it work? LMBO, hell if I know. Its been 3 weeks of sobriety. Its enough that I'm still here and I'm still standing. But, I'm also taking care of me, the kids and a future where I can continue to stand even if I cannot rely upon him for anything anymore.

I'm doing the Recovery Nation stuff for spouses and I joined a partner's support group. Its the too religious one and not 12step but the only one for partners in town so I'm going to continue trying it. I'm finding it spiritual abusive in a lot of ways and really NOT okay with some of the material I've worked through already, far too much emphasis on my fault in this and seeing addiction in degrees (lots of implications if I had caught this when it was *only* one thing that he wouldn't be down the road he went down )

Anyway, I'm here. Its a long road back to sanity I'm afraid. And, I'm not even close to getting there yet. But, at least I am still standing, which I wasn't doing 3 weeks ago.


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lost,

Welcome. I think you'll find a lot of support here -- and a lot less judgement than you're getting from that program.
You sound like you're doing great under the circumstances, which is no easy feat. Keep focusing on you and doing what you need to do to keep your head on straight. I'm glad you can recognize when subtle (or not so subtle) blaming is going on. This is your husband's issue to work on and recover from. You can heal yourself -- and work to keep your family strong. But the rest is HIS stuff to do. And he does sound like he's doing everything he should be in terms of support.
Time will tell whether he's sincere and can keep up with it.
Keep on posting. There are lots who are a few years out who can share their journey.
You might also want to read some books: Mending a Shattered Heart is a good one; Deceived by Claudia Black is even better, in my opinion. Both are aimed at spouses of sex addicts.
Good luck.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Bamboozled1
♀ Member
Member # 5764
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

Sorry you've joined this club, but it sounds as though you're on the right path.

Just a suggestion. If the group you are going to is not for you (and it sounds as thought it's probably not) try Al-Anon. Not quite the same, but it is the grandaddy of all 12 step groups for spouses. You can work the steps for whatever problem you are dealing with thru Al-Anon. You can also call the World Service Office of S-Anon to be hooked up with a long distance sponsor who can help you work a program specific to sex addiction.

Good luck, and keep the focus on yourself.


Posts: 1851 | Registered: Nov 2004
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, Psych says WH is NOT a SA. Says he is simply a Bipolar who went off his meds. Says if he's not compliant he will go into manias with Hypesexuality and then he will behave with a complete lack of self control.

That said, he encouraged WH to continue all the steps he is doing but most importantly TAKE HIS MEDS.

WH told him the reason he quit taing the meds was because they weren't working well enough (though since adding a med for the sleep disorder we discovered this spring they are working *much* better). Psych added a new med that is supposed to control the manias and manage the compulsive behaviors.

He is sending WH to a CSAT but long-term feels the key is NOT the route of addiction but Bipolar management.

WH is not changing his plan of action but I have hope that if WH is totally honest with his Psych maybe we *can* get through this.


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost2chaos,

Welcome to our little group that none of us ever wanted to part of. The support level here is amazing.

I agree with Bamboozled. If you have an Al-Anon group in your area, you may find it more supportive. I am of the evangelical ilk and I would go there over that 'kind' of church group. More guilt is not what you, me or any spouse needs; it's counterproductive. It's not Celebrate Recovery is it? I can't see that it would be as CR is church-based but definitely a 12-step program. And if it's following its mandate, it would never consciously make the spouse feel in any way responsible for the addiction. I don't attend it or Al-Anon anymore because I just do not have any reserve energy left over after a full-time work week takes everything I have, which isn't a lot as I am chronically ill. I am still working the 12 steps on my own and find it invaluable. However, when I did go to Al-Anon, I was welcomed with open arms. It was obvious a couple of people were puzzled by the whole idea of SA, but were still supportive.

I can understand how your H's psychiatrist thinks it's hypersexuality common in bipolar clients in a manic phase. I work in mental health and I see this regularly. However, I guess it comes down to whether your H is using porn/sex to 'medicate' his pain or 'just because'. Bipolar patients tend to get hypersexual only in a manic phase; it's more of a symptom as opposed to a coping mechanism, as I understand it. Whatever the case, the psychiatrist is right to manage the disease, no matter what, as I'm sure you know only too well.

Again, welcome and I wish you clarity and peace in your journey. Hugs!!

Edited to add:
my life is a SA's handbook and I never knew it.

Oh yeah! That was me in a nutshell!

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 6:58 PM, October 14th (Wednesday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 15th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you 1F1B. I can see that a LOT of what he's done was about his Bipolar. A lot of encounters were either during manias or they were strictly compulsive from his OCD.

But, he had a workplace affair and I do NOT see that as part of either pattern related to his mental health issues. He was not attached to his AP but when she suggested NSA sex, he was all for it...until she started attaching strings and trying to rope him in emotionally.

My best guess for the affair is that he had eroded his own morals with his behaviors and had ceased to care what was right and what was wrong.

No matter how significant the impact of his mental health issues, he still has a LOT of work to do on himself and on this marriage.

But, he did tell me last night that he will always be 100% compliant to his mental health care in the future. He said he always assumed if he didn't manage his mental health the worst that would happen was that he would be suicidal and kill himself. He now realizes that by being non-compliant the worst that could happen is that he would hurt the person he loved most in this world with a pain worse than death.

He claims he never wants to hurt me in that manner again.


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
NapaDeb
♀ New Member
Member # 25823
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-day was 10/11 when my husband confessed that he's been seeing hookers approx 3 times a month since March. I was devastated because I thought our marriage was so strong. I didn't believe we went from happily married to this. Now he confesses to downloading images and watching porn on the internet for pretty much our entire marriage and that he started by enjoying playboy when he was 8. He says he wants to save our marriage and in the last week he's cried more than in his entire life, gone to see a new therapist three times. has confessed to his best friend, his sister, a few others. He will go to two twelve step groups next week and he has began the long process of answering all of my questions. He moved into a hotel at my request and I don't know whether to let him come home. I now realize that I was being co-dependant throughout our marriage, that I also have issues and that it will be a long journey if we are to save our marriage. He even took a bag of porn that he had hidden in our closet and pounded it to bits with a sledgehammer while I was away for the weekend getting support from a friend. I have drafted a contract for him to sign before I let him return to our house of things that I think will give me some boundaries. I plan to monitor what he is doing, but don't want to become a cop. I would rather divorce. Any other suggestions or advice for me?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Northern California
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, October 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Napadeb- sorry for your pain. I'm wondering how you/he got here? Usually a sgnificant crisis/event triggers the reaction your husband is having? Was there a "bottoming out"? In any case from where you are will probably require a good deal of time and effort on both of your parts to build trust.I wouldn't make any decisions until you have really explored, not only his part but yours. You have all the time you need.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
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