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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
lost2chaos
♀ Member
Member # 25794
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AFAIK, WH never scanned. I've read what it is and I've asked him and he says he has never done it.

Don't know if that is the difference of the Bipolar or if its something he's not ready to admit. He's never related to any of my female friends in a manner that made them uncomfortable...thus the shock at what he had been doing from all who know us.

But, I was hitting all of the 'taking care of me' points except the exercise. I've struggled to fit in exercise for years now. Its hard when you have 8 kids in the house and you're supposed to be homeschooling them!

Last week, I bought Zumba, dance aerobics, and tomorrow I'm going to start exercising (and dodging children whom I'm sure will want to dance with me). Thankfully by spring, half the kids will be in school and half of those still at home will know better than to be under my feet when I'm trying to dance

I too gained a LOT of weight. In my case, it was never WH's fault. After my third baby, my thyroid crashed so hard I was non-functional for 6 months. When they finally caught the problem, we traced the start of my thyroid crash to the start of the weight gain just before I had the first baby (right around the time we got married).

Its pretty consistent. When my thyroid is managed properly I can maintain my weight and slowly lose it. When my thyroid is too low, I gain to the tune of 1-2 pounds per week. And, when its too high, I lose to the tune of 30-40 per week.

Since this last baby, my doctor has been really aggressive helping me stay healthy with my thyroid. As such, I'm now down 35lb from the high point in pregnancy. But, I have a LONG way still to go to recover the years of health issues.

My weight is tied to my health, and my health was tied to having to learn how important it was to take care of me as a wife and mother.


BW33, fWH33 (alongroadback),and 8 children.
D-day#1 9/23/09 D-day#2 10/3/09
Sobriety 9/23, R-1/12/10 the work begins...??

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009
The_dupe
♀ Member
Member # 26059
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this on the ust found out forum and the ONS thread. I need all the advice from others I can get.


Hi.. I've been lurking the few weeks since finding out, but I need someone who has been through this to listen and give me some advice.

I am a bit concerned because it seems everyone on here has a spouse that had on-going affairs, while for the most part my H had ONS.
I have been married to what I thought was a wonderful man for 7 years. We've been together for 9. He works aways from home 6 weeks home weeks away. 2 weeks before he was due to come home, he went out (I knew he was going out to a pub with his workmates). His cell phone goes off in his pocket and phones me, & I get to hear him unsuccessfully try to pick a woman up. I can't believe it. If I hadn't heard it myself there was no way I would have ever believed he was capable of such a thing, especially when we were so good.

That night he admitted to sleeping with a 19 y/o student & a mutual friend's friend about 2 1/12 years ago. He insisted that was it. A couple days later he admitted another one when I was 6 months pregnant with our oldest. Then he admitted to going home with another person and being too drunk and passing out in bed without having sex.

I picked him up from the airport last week and when we got home he admitted even more. He admitted:
-Getting a BJ from a prostitute before we were married
-Getting a BJ from a girl ("That one was weird, her boyfriend watched") before we were married
-Trying to unsuccessfully pick up a girl right before our wedding
-Sleeping with a girl when we had only been going out a few weeks (I am not mad about this one)
-Trying to pick up a girl unsuccessfully in Singapore 3 years ago.
-Kissing a girl who was a co-worker of his brother's at a party. She pushed him away because he was married, but I am so furious he let me continue to go into that shop knowing that she (a counter worker) knew I was married to scum.

-Last but certainly not least, it turns out he slept with the mutual friend's friend TWICE ( "really 3 times because it was twice in one night". He also let me go out on girly nights with this girl and she never let on.

-He performed oral sex on the mutual friend's friend and on the student.

There is no doubt in my mind he loves me. He says he will "work forever and a day to make this right & make it up to me". He now is saying he's a sex addict and an alchoholic and that the only reason he did these things is because he was drunk. He has quit drinking cold turkey and I realise that's a big step for him, but I don't know if that's enough. He says he won't go out ever gain when he is away as well. He is trying so hard and I do believe he is sorry, but if I hadn't caught him and that girl had gone to bed with him, can you imagine what I would have had to have heard? Not only that, but he would have come home to me like their was no problem at all.

The things that are making it hard for me to agree to try are that when that girl came in the second time, if he loved me & truly didn't want to do it again, he would have left. Also, the whole oral thing makes me feel that him doing somthing so intimate with me means nothing. Also, when he slept with all those girls a couple years ago, I had had the worst c/section recovery I had ever heard of and remembering how dismissive he was to me that year...he made a bad year unbearable. I had an internal prolapse and it was excruciating for me to have sex, but I did other things to make sure (I thought) he was satisfied. I was faithful and worked so hard to make him happy & it was all a lie.


His excuses have ranged from "I was horny", "I want my wife to be how she used to be" (we have 3 girls-the oldest is 5), "I married my first real girlfriend", "I know I'm crap in bed and wanted to be the best", "It was just a f*ck", & now he sticks with the "I don't know what I was thinking. I wasnt thinking".

We have a councellers appt tomorrow, but to tell you the truth, whatever reason he has done these things is his problem as far as I'm concerned & the more I think about it the more I refuse to take on responsiblity for the things he has done, & if I go to therapy with him I WILL be taking it on board.

Please help me gain some perspective on this.

ADDED: He also suprised me with the revelation he was hooked on porn and masturbating 2-3 times EVERY DAY. Does all of this add up to SA to you?


"Don't you love her as she's walking out the door" - Jim Morrison

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2009
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi the dupe. (that just seems wrong to type)

I just responded to your post on JFO.
YES, with the added info you gave it sounds textbook SA to me.

I suggested you go to sexhelp.com first, and read and take the quizzes. Your spouse should as well.

Many SA use porn and masturbate a shocking amount.

I had NO idea my SAH looked at porn or masturbated in 9 yrs of marriage! I thought he wasn't interested in sex much.

Don't be surprised if you find more info.

SOrry to make this short, but you are likely to get overwhelmed reading some on Sex addiction.

I plan on watching VH1's sex rehab this evening to see if there is good representation of sex addiction and recovery. I am sure there will be extra drama, but it may be something you or your spouse will recognize.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The-dupe. I'm sorry you've found yourself here.

Right now, the best thing you can do is figure out what your boundaries are and make sure you get yourself to a place where you can enforce your boundaries. For example, my boundary is that if my husband relapses, I am divorcing him. Thus, I have to keep my job and I have money set aside to use for divorce proceedings.

Also know that sobriety and recovery are two completely different things. One can be sober (abstain) and still think/act/talk like an addict. In AA, they call it a dry drunk. You may want to consider if sobriety/abstaining is enough for you, or if you want to be with a recovering addict.

You may find the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend to be helpful. Mending a Shattered Heart would also be a good read.

Is your husband meeting with a csat-certified sex addiction therapist? If not, please consider doing so. Most therapists are not trained to deal with addiction issues, let alone sex addiction.

It also takes couples 3-5 years to heal from sex addiction. Just be prepared that you are at the start of a very long marathon.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 8:16 PM, November 1st (Sunday)]


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
menow
♀ New Member
Member # 25262
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help me out here. a few months ago i uncovered a series of attempts (some might have been successful) ONS's and one long term affair. in discussion my WH says it is not about sex, just the chase. add porn and a lack of interest in me at home, what should i conclude? he is seeing an IC; about 3 visits by now. i have no idea if he is working toward our relationship or self-knowledge. i said i was not willing for MC until he did soul searching first. in hopes of taking care of myself, i invested in a couple of personal toys. this offended WH. addiction might include marijuana and some coke. not sure. progression has obviousley been slow. THose experienced in SA, could you tell me what to expect or what you read in my experience, please? he says that he is completely dedicated to me, yet can't/won't/ isn't ready yet to talk with me. I am desperate to move forward and would like a healthy life.


tryinghard

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: california
gettingthrutoday
♀ Member
Member # 21365
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, November 1st (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome The_dupe -- and sorry for the reason you're here. You're in the right place, tho. Like IRN2006 mentioned, you might do best with a counselor who is either a CSAT or specially trained in sexual addiction. My SAWH saw a "regular" IC for several months before we figured out the porn addiction -- that IC told him that porn was fine and normal for men.

There's a new book mentioned on the Recovery Nation thread -- Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffans and Marsha Means.

Has anyone read it? The reviews on the other thread were very positive, but as usual, no approach is a one-size-fits-all. Just wondering since "Mending a Shattered Heart" is hard to find.

GTT

ETA: to both the new posters, go back and read 7yearsbetrayed's wonderful list of resources on page 1 of this thread. She hasn't been around for awhile now, but her earlier advice and knowledge is invaluable. Good luck!

[This message edited by gettingthrutoday at 9:09 PM, November 1st (Sunday)]


Me BS 52
married 30 years
Ddays 10/20/08, 11/23/08, 3/09
Primary Love Language: Honesty
My top 5 needs: love, honesty, faithfulness, mutual respect, communication

Posts: 382 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Southeastern US
Silla
♀ New Member
Member # 23443
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am reading -- Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal by Barbara Steffans and Marsha Means. I like this book because it focuses more on the trauma a partner experiences after discovering what the reality of their relationship was with their partner and the problem with generalization of Co- Addict.

I think I have more clarity now on why I behave in a certain way, I am traumatized by the realization that my marriage had no foundation and I feel insecure because of that. I am suffering because of what I have learned but I donít like to think I am a Co-Addict or Co-Dependent. I would appreciate if anyone can share their opinion or feelings on this confusion I have.
Thaks


Posts: 30 | Registered: Mar 2009
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have posted several times about my SA + gambling addict wife and about my own codependency. Discovering I was codependent and all that means was as big a shock as D-day for me. But there is no denying that the chaos in my life is not manageable by me.

My wife is in denial and continues to act out blatantly and abusively but I have decided to work on myself and see where it takes me. I have come to believe that doing so will help me cope with what ever the outcome is.

I have learned in my studies and group sessions that letting go of the outcome by admitting I am powerless over her and her addictions is the first step to the serenity I seek. But now the second and third steps will be the hardest for me and I am asking for your help.

A life long agnostic (not atheist) I have no idea where to find God. My childhood was steeped in the dogma of a fundamentalist, wrathful God but as hard as I tried I couldn't find it in me to have faith. I haven't tried much since and it has been many years.

I have read and admire Jesus teachings. I have read much about the church(s) throughout history and I do not admire much of what they have done. Somewhere along the line I must have decided that Jesus was a brilliant and selfless philospher who loved mankind but the God of whom he speaks had to have been "created" (ala Voltaire) to civilize the masses.

Anyway enough about my background struggles. Now, and in real time I have come to believe I do need to find a true higher power and turn control over to it/him/her.

Anybody been where I am? Anybody work through it to peace and serenity? Any advice for me? Will you pray for me to find my higher power?


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop:
You've been on my mind since I read your post last pm, but it is really difficult to respond with our experience with this and stay within board guideline regarding religious postings.

I will pray you find your higher power, and if you are interested in hearing about our journey, PM me. There are also other agnostics and athiests on this thread who have worked the 12 steps, and they may have input for you regarding working steps 2-3 within the framework of what you already have as your higher power.

I wish you, and all off us, serenity.

-JW


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jumping in here...I am still trying to read and catch up, so if I say dumb newbie things or ask questions you all have already discussed in great detail, I apologize in advance.

First of all, it feels so nice to finally find somewhere where I can talk about the hell my life has become. There is such a stigma in talking about being married to a sex addict. He has his therapist and just joined a SAA group. I have nobody to talk to. I feel like all I have is the emptiness, lies, and non-existent self-worth. Yet, he is the one who is always crying and sorry about what he has done to us and our family. Sometimes I am so angry that I have no support. I am going to meet his therapist at his next appointment and see if I can hook up with my own therapist and group. Although, I too hate the idea that I am a co-addict or co-dependent. I had nothing to do with his acting out. I refuse to accept blame for this. His therapist did train with Dr. Carnes, and had us both read Don't Call It Love.

To go back and give a little bit of my situation, we have been married for 16 years, and have two teenage children. The big bomb dropped 2 months ago. He was caught in an illegal activity. I am not going to elaborate, even though I realize it is anonymous here, I feel like I need to be really careful about specifics. Well, anyways, it has completely damaged our family, my kids are so confused about who he really is, and at this point want nothing to do with him, and we are separated. It was at this point that he sought out therapy. He has gone to a therapist once before, 7-8 years ago, but that was not effectual at all. The therapist was not trained in sexual addictions, and I know my husband just went through the motions. I think I didn't realize how serious the problem was yet.

I now look back in hindsight, and see there were problems from the beginning that should have pointed to this, but I was so young and naive. I remember him kind of glossing over a "problem" he had when we were still dating, and getting mad at me and not understanding it. I also remember snooping for porn at his apartment once when he was not there (this was during a clean period, and he had nothing).

The first time I found porn was right after we brought our 2nd child home from the hospital. He had been visiting bookstores, etc. I remember being devastated. On and off throughout the years, I would find inappropriate stuff. Online dating profiles, porn, etc. About 4-5 years ago I finally just quit checking up on him. I think I was just tired of the bull***t. Besides, he is in IT, so he had gotten really good at hiding things. I was pretty miserable, in the last year I had even thought about having an affair or leaving him. Our sex life was dead. He acted like I was a sex maniac and tried to make me feel bad for wanting it more than twice a year. We went to the doctor and got a script for cialis, but he refused to take it. I always felt like if I was sexier, or if I did this or that maybe he would want me. But I realize that is not the case.

I think I am only now starting to understand the magnitude of his problem. And frankly, I don't know what the future holds. If one of my friends came to me and told me about all that I have learned, I would tell them to run as fast as they could. My husband wants me to stay in the marriage and work on things. He says he is completely committed to the 12 step program and therapy. However, I don't know if I can get past some of the things that have happened. I think there may be some deal breakers. Have any of you experienced that? I do love him and want him to get well, but I don't know if I can just let go of some of the things he has done. And I don't know if we can ever have a healthy sex life. On the other hand, I feel so damaged and like I will never be able to trust again, so why even try to move on to a different relationship. I am just so ambivalent about things right now. I realize this is fresh (although not really...my marriage hasn't been healthy for years).

Well, thanks for listening. It is so nice to get this off my chest.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, November 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yet, he is the one who is always crying and sorry about what he has done to us and our family.

Very typical I think. Three and one half years later, I still don't think my SA H gets it. He feels bad for screwing up so badly, not because he has hurt me immeasurably. Many of these guys are narcissists by nature, I think.

Although, I too hate the idea that I am a co-addict or co-dependent. I had nothing to do with his acting out. I refuse to accept blame for this.

Oh sweetie, being a co-dependent and/or a co-addict does not put the blame on you for any of this. Your story is very similar to mine, except I've been married a bit longer it seems. I did become a co-dependent and a co-addict inadvertantly; it was my survival methods. I didn't mean to. I just did. I'm a well-educated woman, so it's not a matter of not knowing better.

I am still working at my co-dependency but for the most part, I don't consider myself one any longer. I am still here with him even though he is not really in recovery. Oh, he has made real progress, but he still thinks he can manage his addiction. He lives in la-la land in that he does not acknowledge that the marriage has not really progressed. I have, and that's all due to my work. It's just convenient for me to be here at this time. I really can't be bothered going through the whole divorce thing at this point. Unlike some, I think I can still recover and be healthy living with my SA for now. As long as I am honest with myself about why I am here and do not look to him for added happiness, I feel it will work. Maybe not in the future, but for now. I don't love him any longer and have not for some time. But he's good company and a good friend to have around.

You may or may not be a co-dependent and/or a co-addict. But please do not think you have to accept responsibility for his acting out if you decide those labels fit you. If they do fit, you will have to acknowledge it in order to heal. I say this because I have learned only I can fix me; his recovery will not make me better. I can't rely on anything does to do that. I can only rely on me and the work I do in recovery.

I'm sorry you are here TooManyYears, but I'm glad you found us. Lots of wisdom here.

[This message edited by 1Forward1Back at 5:50 PM, November 6th (Friday)]


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, November 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1F1B, thank you for your reply. I understand completely why you are staying. I think that for now, I have made the decision to stay.

First off, I really don't think my H is a narcissist. I think he does feel genuine remorse for the hell he has put me and the kids through. I think he knows he has hurt all of us deeply. However, I do think that he feels the pain of his potential loss much more deeply than the pain he has caused us.

Secondly, I guess I have just bristled at the thought of being codependent, because in the last 4-5 years I have made such great strides in not checking up on him. I am also educated, and struggle with feeling that I should have known better. I am sick when I think of the lies that I have told to help him avoid consequences. It feels like part of my soul has died. I guess I do need help for codependency, just due to the fact that in our 16 years of marriage, it probably did become my coping strategy.

Where I am really struggling in the last week, is in thinking that I am too trusting of him. The day I found out about the "bomb", I was furious, took my kids to a hotel, and came back to confront him. I yelled, belittled him, and forced him to sign something that said I could have pretty much anything I wanted in the event of divorce (don't even know if that was legal). He has moved into the basement, while the kids and I live upstairs. They want nothing to do with him (I didn't chose to drag them into this...they actually found out on their own). He saw counselor #1, because it was who our insurance covered. The counselor was not trained in SA, and it was not a good fit, so we ended the relationship after several visits. He has been seeing counselor #2 (who specialized in SA) for about a month. I have not been involved in the treatment plan yet, but I am meeting with the counselor next week. He will attend his 2nd SAA meeting tomorrow night, and hopefully will get a sponsor.

I do see real remorse. He has told me that he is not doing this for me, but for him. He states that he really wants to change and grow. I want so badly to believe him. Am I wrong for this? Or is this just denial? He has done some pretty bad things, shouldn't I be more upset than I am? What is wrong with me?

He is my best friend, and I am his only friend. I do tell people that we are separated, and he knows that. He would like to work toward R, but I just don't know if we will ever be more than friends again. This is so tough.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, November 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do see real remorse. He has told me that he is not doing this for me, but for him. He states that he really wants to change and grow. I want so badly to believe him. Am I wrong for this? Or is this just denial? He has done some pretty bad things, shouldn't I be more upset than I am? What is wrong with me?

Oh my H has absolute real remorse. He did from Day 1 and he stopped all his behaviour that was attractive to other women. And he continues that to this day.

I just do not think he is able to go farther than that, in that he cannot feel my pain to the extent that he should. He lived as a self-preserving sex addict for all of our marriage; how can he now stop that whole self-preservation thing? It's still his natural inclination. He needs more self-reflection and insight. How he gets that is his problem. I figure *I* know what he needs, but I've stopped telling him; heck, I've stopped even thinking it. It's his issue now.

I hoped and believed for so long. It wore me out. I had to survive on my own terms; not on what he did or did not do. I fixed things in this marriage for far too long. It's up to him.

Tough? It's tougher than anything I have ever done.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do see real remorse. He has told me that he is not doing this for me, but for him. He states that he really wants to change and grow. I want so badly to believe him. Am I wrong for this? Or is this just denial? He has done some pretty bad things, shouldn't I be more upset than I am? What is wrong with me?

I personally did not see real remorse from my husband until he was well into recovery. My idea of remorse, though, is that my husband was able finally able to see our situation from my perspective, and he could understand exactly how he hurt me and make ammends accordingly.


It took me a full year for my husband's addiction to sink in. I finally "got" it when my husband had been sober for a year.

They say it the SO's recovery usually lags the addicts by a fair amount of time. My husband's CSAT said 3-5 years. I think it's a pretty accurrate statement.

So, what are you doing for yourself, to process all of this? I ended up seeing a CSAT myself, and my therapist was so unbelievably good. I had never had anyone be able to get me in 50 minutes.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just do not think he is able to go farther than that, in that he cannot feel my pain to the extent that he should. He lived as a self-preserving sex addict for all of our marriage; how can he now stop that whole self-preservation thing? It's still his natural inclination. He needs more self-reflection and insight. How he gets that is his problem. I figure *I* know what he needs, but I've stopped telling him; heck, I've stopped even thinking it. It's his issue now.

1F1B, I do worry about this. Lying as a means of self-preservation has become a way of life for him. I know that right now, the situation and pain of loss is fresh for him, and he is very committed to this process. He is eager to make changes and to make this work, but I worry that the enthusiasm will wane, and he will let his guard down. He is aware of this, too, and states that he is concerned about relapse prevention in the long term. He told me that he sees himself attending meetings for the rest of his life.

I have also done some reading and thought more about co-dependency. I see that I could probably benefit from attending a group. I am an overweight workaholic. Although, since the bomb hit, I have lost 10 pounds, and have cut way back on working extra. I am just too emotionally and physically drained to even concentrate on work. My husband's therapist would like me to meet with a female therapist that works in their practice, and to attend a group. This is all a little ways off, as I am not even meeting his therapist until 11/19. I am also going to schedule myself an appointment to get checked for stds. I don't think I have any, as we rarely had sex anyways, and I am fairly in tune with my body, but all bets are off at this point.


So, what are you doing for yourself, to process all of this? I ended up seeing a CSAT myself, and my therapist was so unbelievably good. I had never had anyone be able to get me in 50 minutes.

Hi RN. I am an RN, too :) Well, I am planning to see a therapist, things just seem to be moving slow. I am TERRIBLE about taking care of myself! Right now, I have been struggling with just keeping up with everything. Because my kids don't want anything to do with my husband right now, I am living the life of a single mom. I have a new found respect for all the things single moms juggle. I have been doing a lot of reading, and trying to get myself up to speed. I spend time talking to him, but I also give myself space when I need it. I know that although I have been aware that my husband has had a problem for years, I/we have chosen to deal with it ineffectually. Now, having reached a point of crisis, there is no going back to the old cycle of confronting, arguing, and him going further underground with his addiction. I think that although I was very unhappy with things, I never in a million years dreamed they would escalate in the way they did. We were talking this weekend about it, and he stated that if he would have had this counselor and the 12 step program, it would have never came to this point. I pointed out that he was never really ready for this in the past. His attempt at addressing his problem was just a bunch of gaslighting with his first therapist years ago.

Alright veterans, I welcome your thoughts and feedback. I have some questions for you.

First of all, how much information should I know about his activities? I told him that this was an addiction that thrived in secrecy, so I had the right to know certain things. In a moment of weakness last week, I asked him some very specific questions about behaviors. I think I caught him off guard, because his first response was to deny. Then, he got mad at me for asking (old way of coping and trying to shift blame). He accused me of trying to shame him. I think my mind has started to go in terrible directions at times, but his response completely confirmed to me that my suspicions were right on. This made me feel queasy, because it was something that I would have said was a "dealbreaker" before. Funny how my definition of "dealbreaker" has changed so dramatically in the past 2 months.

Secondly, I am sure this subject has been beaten to death, but it is about sex. There has been none of this HB that I have read about. I guess there have been times in the past where we have, but not since the big bomb. In fact, we usually celebrate a special romantic day in October. This year, I was feeling very nostalgic and wanted to connect with him on that day. I wrote him a letter, and felt hurt later when all I got was a "thank you" from him. I talked to him about it after the fact, and he said "It isn't a good idea for us to be intimate right now". Now, neither of us has discussed celibacy at all, but I am thinking he has already entered this 90 day period I have been reading about. He did tell me he has been "white knuckling" as far as his acting out/addiction goes. I have been alternating between feeling like I want to be with him again (it has been a long time, darn it), and feeling like I don't know if I can ever be with him again, knowing what I know now. In my reading, I realize that it would not be healthy to be with him right now anyways. We have had such a lousy sex life for years, I wonder if we could ever have a healthy one. I know it sounds shallow, after all of this, but I want to enjoy a healthy sex life again. I don't want to be celibate the rest of my life, or have sex so sporadically that I feel celibate. Does this make sense? Would it be wrong of me to give up a relationship with my best friend and husband if I knew we would never have a healthy sex life again? Well, for the time being, I am staying in the marriage for financial reasons, and because I am not ready to be on my own anyways. These are just some of the things I have been struggling with.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TooManyYears

How much do you need to know about his activities? As much as necessary to protect yourself, I guess would be my answer. If he is seeing a CSAT, there will eventually be a "formal full disclosure" session where he reveals all his acting out, but that is meant to be part of his therapy. What YOU need for you and WHEN you need it for you will depend on what you need to feel safe. That is your job, to keep you well and safe. If you can't get that info from him, in my opinion it is just smartest to assume it isn't safe to be so invested and involved with him until he can prove to you reasonably that he is safe. Find safety or detach. Seriously.

With regard to sex, the 90 day celibacy period is an agreement beween you TWO. If he is going all celibate now, it may very likely be that he is "acting in", being sexually aneorexic, as Carnes calls it. It is no more of an answer than acting out, really, it just gives the addict the illusion that they are conrolling their addiction.

As far as being co-dependant, co-addicted, co-"whatever label the experts want to call us", I'm not a big believer. I DO believe many of us have exhibited these behaviors, that does not make us fit into their little box. I also believe, if you work the 12 steps from S-Anon, the SA spouses' group, it will not harm you. I've not read the 12 steps COSA or CODA have, but I'm guessing they're pretty similar. Bottom line is to work the 12 steps to make yourself healthier. So if you are co-something, it will help you to overcome that, if you aren't, it wil still help you to be more healthy and grounded. I really don't see how working the 12 steps could really harm anyone.

But I don't believe in the "for every adict there is a co-addict" philosophy. If you check back at some of the earlier spouses of SA's threads, you'll see this discussion more than once.

Good luck.

[This message edited by JustWow at 1:22 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustWow, thanks. Some of this stuff is very unclear to me. I have not met with his therapist yet, so I did not know that a formal disclosure would be forthcoming. And no, we have not entered into a mutually agreed celibacy period, so you are probably right about the sexual anorexia.

Yes, I probably do need to detach! That is why I see no harm in trying out one of these groups for co-dependents. I have been trying to read back through some of the old threads. There are just so many postings, it is going to take some time.

Thanks for the input!

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 1:31 PM, November 10th (Tuesday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I expect there are people in our shoes that don't "need" COSA to help us recognize and deal with our own stuff. As a matter of fact the first time I read "Codependent no more", I didn't think it fit me. Really it did though. Over the years of her gambling addiction I became, in the name of protecting our finances, controlling, manipulative, angry, blaming etc to what I now consider a grave fault. So upon discovering her sex addiction and her acting out I simply racheted up my learned behaviors (you know the ones that don't really control anything)and poured kerosene on the fire.

My COSA group, the readings, my sponsor (if you do decide to go to COSA it really helps to get a sponsor who has been there), this website, and my counselor have been a huge part of my making good progress in a shorter time than I ever could have without them.

For your sake, safety, and sanity and for the speed and serenity of your recovery- I highly recommend you include all available resources in your quest.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i've been trying to read through all the post in this thread a lot of what we are going through seems to fit the bill. i'm finding that i relate better to the stories here than some of the other ones elsewhere.

my WH has not been officially diagnosed or anything but both our ICs have brought it up (he said his IC was going to discuss the issue with him on his last session, but never did).

i feel like it takes him a while to accept certain things about his A (it took him a while to accept that his behavior affected us, doesn't understand how it is possible that i can love him less, etc). he does own up to his As and his behaviors.

my question is, how do i open him up to the idea that he may be an SA without it seeming like i'm imposing on him? i feel that if i tell him, take this SA test, read these SA characteristics, that it might prompt him to close himself off to the idea. is it ok to me to call his IC and ask to actually discuss the possbility of him being an SA?


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
ShatteredAndDone
♀ Member
Member # 26067
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, November 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I belong here and it scares the shit out of me.

I am going to read some more and will bbs to talk.


Never make someone your priority, when they only make you an option.
Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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