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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, December 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I need some help in dealing with slips. My H was at his SAA group tonight, and I just got that urge to check on his computer. I haven't done this in months, but sure as shit, there it was. Porn from 2 weeks ago. And not just any porn, but porn directly related to the events to his episodes of physically acting out in August/September.

The old me would have ranted at him for hours or plotted revenge while giving him the silent treatment. I did leave the folder up on his desktop. I have been skyping back and forth with him about it. I am not trying to shame him, and I have made that clear, because his first reaction was of course to get defensive. I am trying to tell him that I need to set healthy boundaries and bottom lines for MYSELF and to protect myself. Damn, not even 90 days sobriety. :(

Words of wisdom about slips from those who have BTDT?


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, December 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((TooManyYears))

it took me 2 years to finally come up with my boundaries. Only you know what works for you.

In the past I would do the same as you. I would shame him and rant but I couldn't do it without feeling guilty in the end and it did nothing.

I'm sure you've heard this before, but the boundaries and bottom lines are to protect yourself so don't expect the slip ups to stop because you're setting boundaries. The best to help him is to support him in his endeavors to seek help but ultimately he is the one who has to take control over his addiction.

If you need ideas for consequences you can refer to my last post which is the one just before yours. It may not necessarily work for you but I still hope it helps.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 7:07 PM, December 8th (Tuesday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I have been awol. I will have to get myself up to date with this thread, but in the meanwhile I would like to send some LOVE to everyone in here.

(((((((HUGS for all)))))))


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious, is it possible for someone to cheat with many different partners, but not be a sex addict? If so, what are the possible reasons?


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once inalifetime

Read up on on diagnosis of addiction, Karnes books are good. It really takes a trained professional to diagnose but since how the behavior affects your life is one of the biggies, I suspect addiction would have to be involved. Any childhood abuse, sexual or otherwise in her background?

btw, I understand even professionals who are not trained in SA may not diagnose correctly.

My wife has all the behaviors and the background to be diagnosed as a SA the effects of her behavior are very negative in her life and others yet she remains undiagnosed because she won't face the question. YMMV

[This message edited by Stop at 12:45 PM, December 9th (Wednesday)]


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

btw, I understand even professionals who are not trained in SA may not diagnose correctly.

Personally, with my experience, I would just go striaght to a CSAT.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I am really glad that they are talking about this issue more and more on TV. First with David Duchovny, now they are talking Tiger Woods may be a SA. The more education out there about this, the more it may help the SA's get over their shame and seek help.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
moreroses
♀ Member
Member # 26283
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely agree. I remeber when we were dealing with this some time ago, and I mean years ago, and I knew it wasn't right, his porn behavior, but I had no point of reference. Now I know . And to have the message out there is so important. I think by education men about this, the real pitfalls and things which can occur is so so important. My husband has changed so much. I look at him so differently and he looks at the situation so differently. It's like now we are really conscious about sex and it's importtnace in our life and relationship together. In the old days it was just something that happened. Now , it's so different. We look at it as a health issue. I am grateful to be educated on this matter as what had happend to us was it was something my husband took (porn) and ran away with it. And now we know, woooa, this is a .....problem. I'm just so grateful we have it worked out but we are super conscieous of sex these days and it's importance in all it's aspects including sexuality, in our life.


BW;Me
DDay;2-14-08 when former ow decided to enlighten me about previous A
marriage rebuilt, felt rebuilt at 2 1/2 yrs out
long marriage with 4 kids

"And the stars that we could reach were just starfish on the beach"-French folksong


Posts: 1399 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Northeast
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, when I first started finding out about my WS's activities, I just kept thinking "pervert...." I had no idea any kind of porn/sex addiction existed. What a wake up call for me!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
moreroses
♀ Member
Member # 26283
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I remember sneaking up behind my husband at night. He would be reading the Drudge Report, click away to look at his booty collection for a few seconds, and then go right back to the Drudge. I remember thinking, "this is weird, I know this is weird" but then to him , "oh porn! All guys do that!!!!Eye candy!" No, if it affects a couples sex life it is not just 'eye candy', it's a problem!


BW;Me
DDay;2-14-08 when former ow decided to enlighten me about previous A
marriage rebuilt, felt rebuilt at 2 1/2 yrs out
long marriage with 4 kids

"And the stars that we could reach were just starfish on the beach"-French folksong


Posts: 1399 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Northeast
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moreroses:
Yeah, I remember sneaking up behind my husband at night. He would be reading the Drudge Report, click away to look at his booty collection for a few seconds, and then go right back to the Drudge.

:(

Brings back memories. The ex would disappear from the bed in the middle of the night. When I went to his computer, it would look like he was playing games.

One times he couldn't wait that long. I was sitting with him at the computer, I went to the bathroom, and came back and he was looking at pin ups.

I mean DAYUM cant even wait til i sleep.

I'm not saying Tiger is an SA or is not, but I wouldnt' be surprised esp. since he had kids (huuuge trigger).

People say that maybe Elin was giving him enough attention b/c of the kids. Whther or not she did, SAs can come out feeling unloved, and isntead of talking about it they go whack off or cheat physically.

Just looking back, I can see that during my pregnancy I was rightly focused on the baby, and he probably took that as me not loving him anymore. He was so used to everything being about him. In other words, I was his mother substitute and the pregnancy was ruining that for him.

[This message edited by lovedontlivehere at 9:27 AM, December 10th (Thursday)]


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, hell, guys, I gave mine PLENTY of attention. I was ALWAYS available, the whole freaking 4 years. He had absolutely no excuse whatsoever. He just got it ingrained in his brain as a young boy that to get off it had to be "dirty, emotionally detached" sex.

I remember thinking, "this is weird, I know this is weird" but then to him , "oh porn! All guys do that!!!!Eye candy
Yeah, I ignored my warning signs and explained them away too...


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O yes, mine definitely had plenty of sex. I might have told him no once, even though he was the most self centered lover I had ever encountered.

I ignored warning signs,too. Like the first week we met, he was on the computer. I kinda of glanced, he was on a page that showed all his saved porn. It was a lot. And there was the vaseline kept handy of course.
Then he acted defensive when I said something, even though I was only joking. Serious red flag.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't buy into the SA wasn't getting enough attention crap.

SA's are intimacy avoiders. They conjure up late bedtime routines, secret resentments, internal crazy dialogues, etc. to PURPOSEFULLY create distance with their spouses. Both because they are afraid of intimacy, and secondly, they get to use that distance as their handy-dandy excuse as to why they have to jack-ff - cuz they're sooooo neglected. Step back. Don't buy it. It is their motive and their alibi.

Our SA's were most likely that way loooong before we ever met them. When you start trying to justify how good you were, (which you very likely were), you're kind of taking the bait to feed the justifying machine. Disengage from the argument - either with them or within yourself if you're doing it. You never could control them, so you're actions (or inactions) never caused them to do anything.

SA's don't have true intimacy with their partners because the SA's avoid it. End of story.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustWow is exactly right. You should hear the BS my wife has put out to justify herself in her own mind. Of course then I started arguing and justifying and pretty soon I WAS putting out some verbal abuse. Thats was my mistake. It's just what they want for an excuse. Please don't fall into that trap.

You didn't cause it, you can't fix it.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
moreroses
♀ Member
Member # 26283
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh of course, there is always an excuse, something to justify seeking it or acting it out elsewhere. The excuse! Of course!

Justwow; you are sooo right. I have found people here who know what I went through! Is this still something you have to live with justwow? Just to add justwow, my husband wasn't like that before the internet. Internet porn did it to him. And I remember he didn't want parental controls on the computer when our kids were using the computer years ago. Guess that would have been a hassle for him.

I was on another thread and the topic came up where someone said they would be really miffed if their spouse questioned their porn use. I went on to say that if it's going on in our house then the spouse should know what sites are being accessed.That she should look at these sites and knwo what is going on.I can't believe how some buy into innocence. I went on to explain that, sure, a wife has the right to know what is being accessed if the computer is used by more than one person.That there is a big bad porn world out there on the internet where young middle class women are secretly and sometimes not so secretly videod during sex and their image is distributed on porn internet sites specifically set up for this purpose, to secretly share these videos.I had to explain that this is in fact a common occurence in 3rd world countries.A spouse has the right to know what exactly they are dealing with concerning their partners kinky porn habits, especailly if they are using the same computer. Sadly it is not an innocent, and may I add conservative, world out there.

[This message edited by moreroses at 3:47 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]


BW;Me
DDay;2-14-08 when former ow decided to enlighten me about previous A
marriage rebuilt, felt rebuilt at 2 1/2 yrs out
long marriage with 4 kids

"And the stars that we could reach were just starfish on the beach"-French folksong


Posts: 1399 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Northeast
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh God, moreroses, enlighten me a bit on the video site where you can put your wife on...... please.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14915 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

moreroses:

I was on another thread and the topic came up where someone said they would be really miffed if their spouse questioned their porn use. I went on to say that if it's going on in our house then the spouse should know what sites are being accessed

Um, huge red flag! I ever encountered a man who was so secretive about his use ever again, I'll run for the hills. To me that says that person is having some kind of special relationship with porn. Usually, at least in my experience, guys are open about what kind of porn they use. I do retain the right to know, it's just to easy to do bad out there. I caught mine looking up nudey pics of a 15 year old.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
moreroses
♀ Member
Member # 26283
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naiveagain: I can't reveal it here as I probably would be then expelled. I will tell you it was one of my husband's favorites. (according to the guy who cleaned out my computer)I checked it out, gotta know, you know?

lovedon'tlivehere: I have to agree with you, special private relationship.THANK GOODNESS that is over for us! Yes, I know, I know, a life long battle, I hear ya.


BW;Me
DDay;2-14-08 when former ow decided to enlighten me about previous A
marriage rebuilt, felt rebuilt at 2 1/2 yrs out
long marriage with 4 kids

"And the stars that we could reach were just starfish on the beach"-French folksong


Posts: 1399 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Northeast
lovedontlivehere
♀ Member
Member # 20055
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.sphere.com/nation/article/tiger-woods-sex-addict-experts-are-parsing-the-evidence/19274018

Just found it, had to share.
And yes, they either are stupid and wanna get caught or think we're stupid.


Partner still wanking off into fantasy land.
*update* No longer together, but he was STABBED and now wants R. Whatever.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Deep South
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