I think you have it right. The first step is to genuinely let go of the outcome knowing that you can;t control his addictions or his actions. Looking out for yourself in every way will come easier when you have genuinely accepted that you are powerless to control the outcome.
I have received much serenity by listening to my support group, IC, COSA group, sponsor, and by reading all I can about how to control me and let go of her addictions. It works.
I wish you the best. You can get through it. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't change it. You can only control/change you. Doing that will get you through it.
[This message edited by Stop at 11:38 PM, December 17th (Thursday)]
My question is if this diagnosis is wrong will going to this group make things worse? I am paranoid as hell about EVERYTHING now.
Thanks in advance!
Here is a link to find a CSAT near your zip code:
If your H is indeed SA, from our experience, he needs a CSAT, a group and a sponsor, and working the 12 steps in earnest, and recovery is quite straightforward IF IF IF he embraces it. My H spent 8 months with an IC who claimed to be qualified to treat SA, but he wasn't. H was going to Celebrate Recovery SA groups and seeing this bozo weekly and made no real progress. It was frustrating.
Lets say your H isn't SA but mistakenly gets diagnosed as SA. So he works with a CSAT and a group. The recovery program for SA is about getting sexually sober - meaning not enganging in unhealthy addictive sexual outlets. It is about healing the wounds that led the SA to use this unhealthy coping mechanism, it is about teaching them healthy coping skills and learning how to be truly intimate - emotionally and sexually - with their partner. I really do not see how being involved in an SA recovery program could HARM someone, even if they weren't SA.
Please see a CSAT. They often are not covered by insurance, but it is soooooooo worth the expense. We have gone both routes. The unqualified IC who was covered who was worthless, and the uncovered CSAT at $100 a pop who has helped so much we'd pay double if we had it - and we don't!!!
edited for typos (I always have to!)
[This message edited by PixieDust at 4:19 AM, December 20th (Sunday)]
He went to a meeting for the first time this morning. He says that the group consists of 6 men including him and that the senior member has 8 year sobriety but is mentally challanged. The next in line has 110 days sobriety. The others had 1 or 2 days. From the description I'm not sure how helpful that group can really be.
Anyone have some insight?
Last DDay: 7/15/09
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.
Nope, not a good group to be in. My H's CSAT told him that there are good and bad 12 step groups, and that a good group would have enough people in recovery to actually help out the newer members and provide support. A group where they are all new to sobriety and slipping is probably not a good place to be.
My H attends SAA. Even though a lot of people put down SAA as more lax (and it probably is), my H's CSAT thought this was a strong group that had members with years of sobriety. Your H probably needs to look around at another group.
I am sort of impressed that your H is attending a group though. Is he taking the things we all said to him to heart? Or is it a lame attempt to say that he tried? Is he behaving any better these days? How are you holding up, and what are you doing for you?
I'm not sure he has taken anything that was said to him to heart. Just a couple of nights ago he was telling me I was a bitch, that I was a drunk, (I had 1/2 a glass of wine while arguing with him), and a couple of days before that he was telling me that when he started his multiple As that I wasn't there for him and it contributed. At that time I had just given birth to our youngest via a difficult c-section where I almost died and then when I got the ok to resume sex it hurt so much I started going to the gyno and found out I have a severe bacterial infection that he gave me. There's more but you get the idea. He later said he shouldn't have said it but this is common for him. He says and does stuff to hurt me and then is all nice the following day. It just seems like he is getting meaner and meaner towards me.
I didn't think that the group was a good one for him. I will try and encourage him to try another one. There isn't even anyone in it that can be his sponsor. That can't be good. More then likely he will choose to stay in that one as it will be easier for him. That is if he keeps it up. I don't know. Maybe he will surprise me. I'm so skeptical now.
SA is online (through yahoo groups) and also has phone meetings. If your husband doesn't find a good fit, maybe those will work.
One thing, I've found for ourselves, is that not every recovery tool works for every person. My husband and I both got the best help from seeing a CSAT (for my husband) and someone who understood sa (for me.) The 12-step groups really didn't work for either of us.
Some people swear by online messageboards or places like recoverynation.com.
6weeks ago I found he had posted online for 'intimate encounters' and based on what I read here I decided he was an addict. Additional detective work on my part revealed OW1 was back and an OW 2.
At this point I was ready to D and had detached. I set my boundaries: get help or go. To my surprise he got help. He picked up 3 books and is tearing thru them. He attended his first SAA meeting and wants to continue. He scheduled IC. He went NC with OW 1&2.
And he has completely changed how he treats me. He no longer blames me for his affairs. Now I realize that he's an addict and there are no promises for tomorrow.
But maybe, just maybe, the nightmare of 2009 is drawing to a close. I credit this forum for helping recognize the problem and giving me guidance and support.
God bless you all.
He made an appointment with a CSAT and she was able to point him towards a very large SAA group that meets downtown. Its a 45 min drive for him once a week, but its a large meeting. He didnt get in to particulars, but he said that he has 2 people who he can call anytime. SAA seems to have more meetings in our town than SA. Keep looking in your area. Even if he has to drive a bit farther for a good meeting, it will be worth it.
I have been working through Recoverynation.com's partner workshop. I think some of it is helpful, some of it - not so much. I cant get WH to even look at that site.
The hardest part for me is to step back and not control or manage his recovery. He has to want it. and he has to do it by himself. He made an appointment for us with a CSAT in late Jan. She wanted to see both of us for the first appointment. But otherwise, Im going to try really hard to heal myself and let him do his own thing. I read, I think in Mending a Shattered Heart, that 18 months is a fair time to let him work on himself before re-evaluating weather to stay married or not. Since I am having a baby in May, and I'm stuck in a contract at my work for another year, I figure I can at least give him 12 months.
I dont know if I will go to a COSA meeting or not. I will probably ask our CSAT's opinion on it. I read through the steps and Im just not feeling it. But I think as someone said, not every tool works for every person. Find the ones that work for you.
And take care of you! One of the things recovery nation had me do, was remember what my dreams and values were before WH's addiction turned the world upside down. and imagine what my life will be like when I am that person again. I have made 2 small promises to myself that I will do next year. 1) apply for attend grad school part time in the fall. 2) go back to weight watchers after the baby is born. Just making some plans that have only to do with you, might make you feel more like LIS less like Alice in Wonderland.
(PS I hope this was really insight and not a t/j. DDAy #3 was only Nov 30 and somtimes my vision is a little narrow.)
ETA: I just re-read one of your posts. There would be a difference for me if WH was abusive. Verbally or otherwise. WH is abjectly sorry and says he wants to fix himself so that he can be a good daddy. He is always sweet to me. (Expect for this one little porn/prostitue problem ) If he called me a bitch, he'd get his walking papers. I would have no trouble, packing up DD and our things, breaking my contract and moving back to where both our moms live. Please do what you think is right for you, to make you better and whole. You deserve someone who treats you with love and respect.
[This message edited by PixieDust at 4:19 AM, December 23rd (Wednesday)]
When we try to "help" too much we set ourselves up for resentment when they fail to follow through.
It's difficult to resist when we can see the answers for them so clearly, isn't it?
My opinion on 12 step groups:
Do not view it as a "fix it" for your issues or your marriage issues. Look at it as one more thing to do for YOU. Time spent with people that "get" the hell we are going through is so powerfully healing IMO.
My COSA group has had only two members regular; Me and the lady that started it. We have had several that were regular for a while then stopped. We have 2 women that have been fairly regular since Sept.
Neither of us has begun doing the steps rigorously as we are not fully prepared yet, and will just need to support one another rather than be a sponsor.
We are adapting as we need to. Having that one hour a week is one hour that I can say is all about taking care of me.
Try COSA for about 5 visits before making up your mind. No cost, and it is one hour a week you can leave home and just be there for yourself. I am really glad I did. Up to the 4th COSA meeting I was thinking I wouldn't keep coming, but I did.
Yes he is abusive. He knows about the telemeetings and groups. He did a couple of chat meetings and then just said it wasn't for him. We no longer have insurance b/c he lost great job due to misconduct with his APs at work.
I know that if I want the cycle to go stop for me I have to get myself out of it. It has been a long process but I am now in the right direction for that to happen. Not easy at ALL! It is very confusing that one minute he is saying how he will do the right thing and all that and then a bit later he is a jerk and then in the morning he is back to being sorry. Typical abusive cycle. Right now we are in separate rooms and I have told him not to try his lovey dovey stuff on me. If I can keep my distance it helps. When he violates my space I tell him he has no respect for me and then he turns tail and and leaves b/c he doesn't want to hear it.
I have a book called "How Can I Forgive You" that is about accepting someone for who they are without forgiving. It all about accepting someone for who they are and then deciding if you can live with them or not. I think that should help me realize more who he REALLY is and stop pretending that someday he will just stop being the way he is. He doesn't seem to be taking concrete steps to working on himself so I need to accept that he doesn't plan on changing.
A triple whammy next week; the holidays, also Dec 28 2008 was the first day she started trolling the porn website, and Dec 31 is our 22nd wedding anniversary. None of those feel real good now.
I am very lucky to have a great support system, IC, COSA, sponsor, lots of books, and a wonderful grown daughter to talk to. So I will be fine, just have to get through the week.
If any of you have not been working on developing your support system I highly recommend it. I feel really bad now but I would be a basket case if I didn't have my support system.
Thanks for listening, I get a lot from reading your posts as well.
Thanks for your encouragement not to let our pain and losses kill our Christmas joy. I'm putting on a happy face for my boys, my friends, and my family. Sometimes I feel I can't keep trying, and I'm worried I'm going to burst into tears in the middle of the room if someone inadvertantly says a trigger word (please don't say Chicago).
Things that keep my positive include reading this website, my books, and thinking about my next COSA meeting.
Happy Holidays to you all
So why can't I leave him??? Why do I hope beyond any reasonable hope? Why do I focus on his good qualities and try to pretend I can live with the acting out? Honestly, I don't even know the extent of his acting out. He won't be truthful. I have to give up that expectation. He will never admit the whole truth.
Does the fact that I loved him almost 40 years override the fact that I'm dying inside? That my world today is a black sadness. Oh I make resolutions to take care of myself and detach from him. But is that really possible when you live with someone and have sex relationship with them and pretend that all is okay?
You can only pretend so long.
I have no support system whatsoever. My WH is pretty much it. He has total control over my life and has since I was 16 yrs old. I see that clearly now.
I feel so hopeless. I don't want to live like this anymore.
How do you guys accept the unacceptable? How do you continue to live with your SA and not judge yourself as stupid for doing so? How do you find happines in all this sorrow?
As for how to find happiness in all this, I have been finding it outside of home. I find it at my DS's school, at relative's homes, and although I struggle with it sometimes, I am doing better with it all the time. You will too. Also SI is a great place for support. I don't know if I'd be this far if it hadn't been for SI.
[This message edited by will get by at 6:01 PM, December 29th (Tuesday)]
"Researchers have had difficulty determining exactly what causes bacterial vaginosis. At present, it seems to be that a combination of multiple bacteria must be present together for the problem to develop. Bacterial vaginosis typically features a reduction in the number of the normal hydrogen peroxide-producing lactobacilli in the vagina. Simultaneously, there is an increase in concentration of other types of bacteria, especially anaerobic bacteria (bacteria that grow in the absence of oxygen). As a result, the diagnosis and treatment are not as simple as identifying and eradicating a single type of bacteria. Why the bacteria combine to cause the infection is unknown.
Certain factors have been identified that increase the chances of developing bacterial vaginosis. These include multiple or new sexual partners, vaginal douching, and cigarette smoking. However, the role of sexual activity in the development of the condition is not fully understood, and bacterial vaginosis can still develop in women who have not had sexual intercourse."
Which isnt to say your partner's infidelity didnt contribute. It doesnt mean he is a sex addict, though. I think I had that during my adventurous single 20s, now that i think about it. You should check with your doctor.