Good for you for defining and defending your boundaries. It takes strength to do so, but you probably already see how much more manageable your life is when it is not enmeshed in his addiction.
You might want to look for an S-Anon (the spouses group) or a COSA group near you. I really find (when I actually drag my behind there, it's been a while) that it really helps to break the isolation to talk with people IRL who have gone or are going through the same poopstorm.
Welcome to our little corner of SI.
[This message edited by JustWow at 10:01 PM, December 31st (Thursday)]
edited for typos (I always have to!)
May we know our worth.
May we defend our boundaries.
May we find serenity, peace and joy in our lives.
2009 has been an absolute doozy for us. Between the HB baby's spinal surgery and H cancer and ongoing chemo, oh, and all the SA and A recovery schtuff, I can say - bring on the new year.
We've grown and learned a lot this year, may next year's growing come with a fewer number of growing pains!!
Blessings to all.....
I second your sentiment.
Last DDay: 7/15/09
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.
Glad you found us.
Happy New Year all!
I am going to see if there is a support group in my area. I am in a very rural location, and so the teleconference book study worked very well for me last year, and I did have the company of others who are in a similar situation.
After finding this group this past week, and re-reading "Codependent No More", I have resolved to do whatever it takes to separate myself from this muck.
My WS has not been able to "pay his way" for nearly the last year. I--in my co-dependent fog, have found every excuse possible to enable him. I gave him grace due to the fact that he had lost his father, was locked into an apartment much too rich for his lifestyle after he lost his job, and just didn't want to face his wrath if I withdrew financial support....etc. etc. etc.
This morning I told him that I had set up my own bank account.......hardest thing I have ever done, but as many of you have said, I must abandon the outcome, and in my case, I am ready to turn it over to the Lord, and know that all will work out for the best.
How wonderful to have a place to voice challenges, frustrations, and ultimately-victory in finally making choices that will benefit our families, our health and peace for our souls.......
I don't trust him and based on his behavior, I shouldn't. But yet, I suppose I have to make the choice to trust him so that I can focus on taking care of myself and our child. if he then screws this up, we will all live with the consequences - he will leave.
This stuff is really hard.
For instance, you have a small child, who eventually will be using the computer. You have to make sure there will never be a time that the child will be exposed to inappropriate images. So you either choose to do without internet access, or have a STRONG filter on that computer and it is kept in a very public place.
If you can, get to a 12 step program. The support you find there is valuable. We aren't all about blaming the "coaddict" or even the addict. It is about healing the wound that addiction causes in the family. And you need support to do that.
Hugs to you and your child. That's where your focus needs to be.
My actions may be wrong however he has not shown actions that he is committed to R or committed to healing his addiction which he has self diagnosed.
There are SA groups here and he says he will go. There are no Anon groups, so I will go online. I will also be getting an IC.
No matter what happens, my child and I will be okay. I can do this alone. I don't want to, but I know that I am strong enough to.
The trick, IMO, to stay with them until they are ready to R, is to assume they aren't trustworthy. Its a bit safer and probably more practical. You keep yourself safe from ore harm, and your M safe from more harm, if you detach from the disease - sometimes that means the person, too - that realy depends upon your relationship dynamics and what level of involement is safe for you to have with your SA before he gets sober and into recovery.
From all my investigating, my gut tells me I belong here even though our MC said FWSO is not SA. According to the form she had him fill out. Which i think he lied on. After all he is still lying about everything he has done in our past together.
Currently he is not doing porn, sex sites, or other women. Since I think he is SA without being treated it is possible he will fail in his self-imposed "sobriety". He denies he is SA.
I am going to learn what I can from the wonderful people here and I will keep watching what he does. There is no way he will get "real" help unless he falls down the slope again and I catch him. I cannot prove without a doubt what I think he did in the past, therefore without proof he will not believe me. Just like all the other lies I caught him in.
Deny deny deny.
Thank you in advance.
"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve." Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu.
I hope your New Year brings you healing and joy to some degree.
So update: Hubby has displayed every level of sex addiction that I can see...he has been hiding his blackberry again and I searched (lost my own sobriety of codepend)and found it in the garage in an OLD jacket pocket. He hid it there that evening as he had it earlier in his possession.
I couldn't think that it was anything more then "OW" again and then I opened it and he had deleted most everything except his internet and I found tons and tons of Men looking for threesome ,,,married woman,,,,one night stands,,,,exotic sex encounters etc.....
I figured he was at something again because he has been :acting out, with me if that makes sense...like we are having sex again but not intimate,,more playful, he brought toys in and stuff like that...
he can't seem to be close to me in bed any more ,,,emotionally like he use to. He is all about filling his need so to speak and although he takes care of me ,,,it is as though he is acting out?? He isn't "loving me" if that makes sense to anyone.
So I didn't tell him about the blackberry as I broke my healthy process,,,,I did get an addiction (sex) counselor to see ..told him that I was going to heal and that HIS sexual acting out bothered me and it was My problem to fix and he didn't deny and he didn't get crazy,,,
he tried to blame me once and I told him that if he has a problem with me then it is his problem to decide what to do about it just like I am doing so basically "if someone else is my problem, my problem is me",,,
that means I can fix me and feel better,,,he was blown away,,,,,he said if he was "honest" can you imagine, that my 12 step recovery group was ruining our marriage and I said well if we are speaking honestly,,,
your acting out sexually is doing the same so we are at a crossroads. He was stunned. He still didn't deny. He then proceeded to go off on how he wants to see this counselor to tell her how torutred he was by living with me and what he has had to tolerate with my family,,,etc etc and
I told him that he needed to address that with someone else as I didn't hold him down with a knife and force him to stay and if he had anyone to blame for it, it was himself and he had to take his own responsiblity just as I am doing for staying with a man who acts out sexually,,again blown away,,,then he tried the YOU HATE ME thing and I said no I don't hate you I love you,,,
I hate what you do,,,so we ended it with that,,he went on his trip,,,I am having a hard day because my head wants to take off with the what ifs but I am trying not to...I am seeing the Sex coun. tomorrow and we will go from there,,,she is also in 12 step recovery/God I married a sex addict,,,
NOW WHAT? I am so afraid and am having trouble staying in this day,,,I keep thinking oh my god he is acting out and I have to leave but that isn't the case,,,right?
I can get well first? Today I can just fix my own brokenness yet I am terrified and am full of anxiety....once again,,,,,yet I feel numb and I am not afraid of the acting out like I use to be,,,I dont' care like I use tooo,,,I actually have some compassion for him and his disease..although I don't want him to do it,,,I can't help him,,,and it isn't so threatening to me today,,why? I just don;t care as much maybe,,,,indifferent a little maybe ?????? I am not even threatened as much by her possibly being around or being fooled again..who cares,,she isn't the problem,,,,if not her,,,someone else..she just was the first to snare his emotions a little,,,
he is so scared,,I can feel it,,,he keeps telling me he loves me and holds me and says he is afraid I hate him but he WILL NOT admit he has a problem,,nor will he deny,,interesting crossroads,,it is like I realize that i can end it whenever I am ready! I am not trapped any more then he is....... ANYONE????????
[This message edited by itspersonal at 3:25 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)]
In short my H is a SA period. He doesn't see it but there's no way around it. He can't get away from the internet porn and contacting women. It all began again about 2 months ago. All the sudden the internet history was getting erased again. I knew something was wrong. But he kept saying it was for my birthday present and then Christmas present. And you know the story. After 5 times of these excuses it was too much for me and I exploded. Then it was my fault and he wasn't doing anything wrong. So I figured I was going crazy and let it go.
Then on New Years Day I was surfing the web and went to go to my favorite craft website and noticed a site in the address bar. The site was for internet video chat.
I quickly stopped dead in my tracks. I could feel my heart racing. I swallowed and said to him that I wasn't snooping but that I had innocently (and it truly was innocent) came across this site. He said he had no idea where it came from (again I'm sure you all know this story). Then I decided to dig deeper in to the history. To find that he has been spending hours upon hours surfing porns sites.
He's gotten good at leaving the history alone but deleting individual entries in to the history. And even on the address bar. I have had Google Chrome installed for months and knew that I could import the history and see the dates and times of each visit.
I was so shocked! Why was I shocked? No idea. I shouldn't be so stupid. Then the topper came for me when I noticed he had been searching through personal ads on Criag's List (again) and on Yahoo! personals.
I lost it! Completely. He begged me to stay. I agreed to stay for the weekend. Then I agreed to stay for now.
Now I'm reading a new book (Hope after Betrayal) which is helping me to see what I need to do for me. I'm just feeling so out of control, empty, angry, and well just about everything but happy with my life right now.
I'm sorry you and all of us are facing these issues. I wish marriage was like it is on TV or in books but it's not like that. Not really for anyone but it would be nice if it resembled it at all right now.