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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can I get well first? Today I can just fix my own brokenness yet I am terrified and am full of anxiety....once again,,,,,yet I feel numb and I am not afraid of the acting out like I use to be,,,I dont' care like I use tooo,,,I actually have some compassion for him and his disease..although I don't want him to do it,,,I can't help him,,,and it isn't so threatening to me today,,why? I just don;t care as much maybe,,,,indifferent a little maybe ?????? I am not even threatened as much by her possibly being around or being fooled again..who cares,,she isn't the problem,,,,if not her,,,someone else..she just was the first to snare his emotions a little,,,
he is so scared,,I can feel it,,,he keeps telling me he loves me and holds me and says he is afraid I hate him but he WILL NOT admit he has a problem,,nor will he deny,,interesting crossroads,,it is like I realize that i can end it whenever I am ready! I am not trapped any more then he is....... ANYONE????????

Of course you can and should get well first.

You definitely do NOT have to leave now. Or anytime for that matter. I don't know of anyone who recommends hasty action. Must of the advice I have been given is:

Don't make any major decisions the first 6-12 months.

Prepare the way in case you do decide to leave.

Read the books about SA and codependency.

Get yourself a support group (I have a counselor, a trusted sponsor, a COSA group, and a beloved and understanding daughter)

Think and take good care of youself. Look into the 180 to see if there is appropriateness there.

Keep your powder dry, you will know when it's time because you will have completely let go of the consequences and will have no fear.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop,

Thank you so much. I think because i have been working alanon for a while that I should now be ready to do "something" like leaving,,,but I am not. I love him but I need to get well. This is a tough one. I am going to consider this the beginning of recovery in this area for me as I am just now coming out of denial. I wonder why it isn't freaking me out and why I a not so focused on what he is doing? I have always been so afraid and now that I know he IS doing it,,,I am not so afraid,,,so weird. Thanks for your words...it is my time for healing now


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop,

Thank you so much. I think because i have been working alanon for a while that I should now be ready to do "something" like leaving,,,but I am not. I love him but I need to get well. This is a tough one. I am going to consider this the beginning of recovery in this area for me as I am just now coming out of denial. I wonder why it isn't freaking me out and why I a not so focused on what he is doing? I have always been so afraid and now that I know he IS doing it,,,I am not so afraid,,,so weird. Thanks for your words...it is my time for healing now


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry sent it twice

[This message edited by itspersonal at 11:08 AM, January 6th (Wednesday)]


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
ChooseJoy
♀ New Member
Member # 26955
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been with my WS for nearly 35 years now, and the thought of leaving intermingles with all the good history we have shared (children, vacations, holidays, grandchildren).
It's hard when your head tells you that you are out of your mind for staying in such relationship, but your heart wants it all to work out for the best.

I wonder out there in infidelityland, if any of you have ever gone through "True Colors". When I did, I am a gold/blue. These folk are loyal, predictable, practical, value home and family, have a strong sense of right and wrong, and follow rules and respect authority. They like to get along, and look after people, think about the future, good friends, and love.
I wonder if we are drawn to these greens/oranges at the beginning, because of their sense of adventure, zest for life, charm, and fun-loving nature??? Surely there have to be some greens/oranges out there that still have a sense of right and wrong????????????

Anyway, ran across the material while cleaning out cabinets and thought I would throw it out there...........

I am doing a fairly good job of letting go, although I did have one bad evening when I let myself think of the adventures that will surely go by the wayside, if my WS chooses to live in his filth, and there is no recovery/reconciliation.............


Me:52 definition of co-dependent
Him:56 born for self indulgence
Married 34yrs
3 grown children
porn/dating sites/im other women, etc. etc. etc.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Texas
ChooseJoy
♀ New Member
Member # 26955
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thought..........
Was reading some old posts, and came across 7yrs back in July.
Over the past 10-15 years, my WS has been methodically detaching himself, first from his siblings, parents, business partners..... When I noticed a pattern back then, I expressed my concern that he had begun a spiral, and I speculated that it would not end until he had gone through his children and myself. About 7 years ago, when my daughter had come in for a visit from across the country with our new grand, she walked out of the bedroom from putting the baby down, and into the next room where he was checking out porn on the computer. She loaded up the baby the next morning, and stayed the remainder of her visit with other family......this began the estrangement of the children. Are most of these incapable of a "real" relationship???????


Me:52 definition of co-dependent
Him:56 born for self indulgence
Married 34yrs
3 grown children
porn/dating sites/im other women, etc. etc. etc.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Texas
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, January 6th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CJ-
I can completely relate to the head/heart split opinions. I'm also struggling with the knowledge that many of my friends question why I haven't already cleared out.

I don't know about personality types and addiction, but it makes sense that opposites attract.

I'm also struggling with my WH's revelation last evening that intellectually he does not agree with monogamy. I don't see much hope for us if our core beliefs are so diametrically opposed.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, January 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChooseJoy - Hmmm I bet there is some relation to the personality types being attracted to opposites. Though I think I'm more attracted to men who are a great mixture of my dysfunctional family growing up.

Regarding the heart/head battle. I struggle with that daily. Shoot lately I just struggle daily.

I'm sorry this is so hard. It's a miserable process and I wish none of us had to experience it.

Stop - I'm sorry your H doesn't intellectually believe in monogamy. What a terrible thing to have to hear from the person we chose to share our lives with.

As for me, I'm struggling (as I've said). Last night I noticed that my WH added a new "friend" to his yahoo messenger account and of course there's no message archive. I so want to put a keylogger on the computer but it won't help. It will only hurt me more. I just have to continue to work on me and the answers for my relationship will eventually reveal themselves.

Hugs to all!


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, January 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I struggle with not wanting to put a key logger on my computer at home because I cannot control him (which I struggle with daily). However I don't think it's unfair to expect the computer's history to not be deleted. But this is too hard for WS. So I've been researching and found a way to disable to the delete internet history button from internet explorer. And it actually works! I'm going to put it in to place at home tonight.

I feel so psycho doing this but I'm not sure what else I can do. Am I crazy?? I feel so very crazy these days.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

newday2day
IMO, there is nothing wrong with monitoring with a keylogger if your purpose is to actually defend your boundaries.

No, you cannot control him. You never could and you never will. He needs to make a decision to control himself. And you have no basis to trust what he tells you, so therefore, the need to verify.

BUT, BUT, BUT.....if you are going to do this, it must be for you to actually enforce the consequence if he ends up breaking boundary behaviors.

If you call something a boundary, but never follow through on enforcing, then it isn't really a boundary, it is a manipulation attempt.

When we truy set boundaries, we let go of the outcome. We commit to OURSELVES that we will enforce our boundaries if they are disregarded.

It is not "too hard" for him not to delete history. He's making the active choice to surf where he doesn't belong, and a corresponding choice to over his tracks. It isn't hard to avoid either of these, he is choosing not to even try.

[This message edited by JustWow at 1:30 PM, January 7th (Thursday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3556 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, January 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The web browser Google Chrome (similar to Internet Explorer) has a stealth mode that does not keep a history of web sites visited. Obstensibly it's for planning surprise parties.

I'm leaning towards getting a key logger. I have found some that are free and some that cost $90 and some in between.

I'd welcome any Key logger recommendations or cautions from you all.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, January 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if you are going to do this, it must be for you to actually enforce the consequence if he ends up breaking boundary behaviors.

If you call something a boundary, but never follow through on enforcing, then it isn't really a boundary, it is a manipulation attempt.



JustWow - Man did I need to hear that. I try to set boundaries but am so weak and never follow through on consequences. That's definitely not a way to live either. Thank you!

twokids - Regarding Keyloggers I have (and don't use right now) Refrog's key logger. It's great and when in place emails me screen shots when certain key words are searched. For now I don't have it turned on the "main" computer but mostly because I'm too scared to know what conversations he's having.

I must get strong for me.

[This message edited by newday2day at 4:39 PM, January 7th (Thursday)]


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 7th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newday...You don't want to know...boy do I get that. My head was in the sand for 20 years and for about $90,000. Yeah, you read that right. We are traumatized each time we are confronted by the evidence of our partners betrayals, so we don't look for it, deny it when we see it, believe the fairy tales that they concoct to explain the behavior, missed appointments, missing money, ED, blah, blah, blah. And we are controlled by their rage, or their gaslighting, or their denial, or excuses or gifts or their "woe is me" attitudes or whatever it is they use to deflect the attention away from the addiction. Until we face it and decide that we AREN'T GOING TO LIVE WITH AN ADDICT, it will continue. We didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. One day at a time, let go and let god...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, January 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredyKat - Thank you.

I'm so tired of feeling (internally) like it's all me. The let go and let God thing is so damn hard. I can't just give it to him I have to take it back and own it over and over and over again. I hate myself today. I hate myself a lot. I feel so damn alone and scared and hurt.

And it doesn't matter that I love him or that I want to be with him what matters is that the pain and addiction is constantly reflected back as some how being my fault. Or completely avoided and something else is my fault.

AHHHHH!! Today I will do a lot more praying.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really glad I found this thread...I have been posting in just found out. I am new to the forum, not new to infidelity...I've experienced 3 D-Days in the last 8 years...we went almost 5 years without a major relapse...I will try to give the short version of my story...WH had long term A with co-worker...resulted in child...A ended before I was able to confirm it...had been over for almost a yr...in that process found out about a short term fling as well...that was over too..


WH was obsessed with porn...I did not understand I was dealing with a SA. We went to some counceling...got to church...he did a lot of reading about dealing with sexual sin....thought he had it under control...again I did not understand he is a SA.

We moved a guy in 10yrs our junior...family friend...I was stupid enough to take in this young man's GF temporarily...and guess what?...I am sure everyone here can...WH had a thing with the GF...it gets better...the mother of the GF takes this to the church...my WH confesses to pastors...comes home and tells me...mind you the GF/OW had moved out a couple days before...she knew her mom was going to blow the whistle....and the mom then decides to make allegations against WH...had to deal with legal matter...wont give more details because I can't...but I can say this...it was an affair...plain and simple...it happened at least several times...and the GF/OW wanted to stay in our home....never had intentions of leaving until her mom got involved...just as background...OW is an adult...college age...around 10 yrs younger than us...but none the less an adult....

So this last month has been insane...cost $$$$ for legal advice....he is in celebrate recovery on his own accord...I am attending too. He has appt to start IC next week. He has finally admitted things he would never before, told me some really crazy stuff about childhood...aka abuse...he went through periods of not acting out...but having a willing female in the home was too much temptation for him.....I never knew the extent of how bad this is...I feel like an idiot.

Sorry this is so long. It's good to find a place where I belong. This past month has been a nightmare.

We have done alot of talking. It's been painful and hearing the truth has been painful but I think its been productive. I don't know if I can take having my heart broken again...so I am scared. He is making every possible effort possible to show me he is serious about becoming a recovering SA...instead of active SA. I know there is no guarantee...I grew up with an alcholic dad that fell off the wagon many times...So I am very leery and know it's possible we will end up with a relapse..


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, January 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

renee21 - Welcome. I'm sorry you have to be here but you've found a great support group.

I'm pretty scared and negative these days so I'm not in a place to give any solid thoughts on any topic.

Sending you hugs and love. Come back often if only to read our posts and know you're not alone.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
Weeble
♀ New Member
Member # 27005
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, January 9th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustWow - Thank you so much for your post on boundaries. I have been struggling with not controlling but now somehow trusting someone who has a track record of lies. I will check when I feel I need to. I have set very clear boundaries and as much as it will sadden me to enforce them, if it comes to that, I will. He knows it and I know it.

Welcome Renee. I hope you find healing.

[This message edited by Weeble at 9:17 AM, January 9th (Saturday)]


DDay: 12/30/09
Mine: 39yo BS
His: 40yo WS/SA
Ours: beloved small child

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2009
ChooseJoy
♀ New Member
Member # 26955
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, January 9th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Renee-
From one new member to another.....welcome......

There is such comfort in knowing of others who share in our secret heartache......
There is confidence from those who reinforce what we know to be right, both in God's and men's eyes.....
And there is peace in knowing that we can come here and share our hurts in this forum......


Me:52 definition of co-dependent
Him:56 born for self indulgence
Married 34yrs
3 grown children
porn/dating sites/im other women, etc. etc. etc.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Texas
shellbellns
♀ New Member
Member # 26376
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 11th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this is where I really belong, I've been mostly posting in Reconciliation.

I've been wondering for years if my husband is a SA or not. He would have cybersex, look at porn, etc. I found out at the end of Nov that since 2007 he has been with a few girls he met online. The last time was in the summer of 09. When I found all this out, he said he would stop, closed out his hotmail and gmail accounts and deleted the contacts in them as well. We went to MC once, and the psychologist mentioned that he does have some kind of compulssion and he needs to figure out why. He was in agreeance to all of this at that time.

Fast forward to today, he is now gone away for training to go to Afghanistan. He was home for all of Christmas and was great, stayed off the computer, was attentive to me, it was wonderful. He told me he loved me, would read and do whatever exercises he had to to get better. I really believed him. Now that he's gone away again, his tune has changed. Saying he's not sure he loves me anymore, not sure if this is what he wants...doesn't think I'll ever trust him again. Then I find out he's reactivated his hotmail account and won't give me the password.

When I saw the pyschologist last week for my own IC, she is convinced that he is a SA from everything I tell her about him. The porn, emailing of nude pictures of himself, the pictures he receives...the dirty emails, etc. I'm now at the point where I want to leave as I don't think he truly believes he is a SA. He thinks he can stop this behaviour on his own, and he can't. He's been gone away for 6 days and has reactivated his hotmail already.

I just ordered a book that 7 recommended on the first page so I hope that gives me some advice, insight on what to do.


BS 39 (me)
WH 35
Married 9 years
DD 14 years
DS 8 years
D-day #1 Nov 22, 2009
D-day #2 March 15 2010, full affair this time

Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Canada
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 11th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shellbellns - I'm sorry you find yourself here but want to welcome you and send you lots of virtual hugs. I wish there was some magic thing we could say to each other to heal but unfortunately time is all we have.

As for me my weekend went rather well. I'm taking it a day at a time with WS but we'll see. Since he's not in recovery I know it won't last long but I am taking care of me today and that's what matters most of all.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
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