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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may sound strange but my WH says he didn't fantasize about the OW(4). He does remember fantasizing about me when we were first dating and he still does.
He also swore up and down that he hates porn until I pointed out that he does like to look at Playboy and soft core porn every now and then.
He is so afraid of being a prevert now that he knows he has a sickness (SA).
I just find it so dificult to believe that he never wondered how the sex would be or had fantasies about each woman. He says the fear and risk seem to be more of the turn on for him. Our MC/IC doesn't seem to buy this either.
Has anyone felt that way or do you think he is just too scared to face all of his issues? (I really don't think he is just lying to protect me. We have had many open discussions about the affairs.)


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, March 27th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Godsgirl, I have a couple of thoughts....

1) Has your H been diagnosed as a SA by a CSAT, or has your MC/Ic said what basis they are diagnosing them as SA on? It may be possible that your H is not a SA, but I am not a professional, and I don't know your whole story, either.

2) If he is SA, maybe he doesn't want to admit to his acting out. Fantasy is a heavy part of SA. My H (and others have said the same) scanned women and had obsessive thoughts about those who he sexually objectified. Unless he is hiding things from you (which is definitely possible if he is SA), Playboy and soft core porn, while offensive to me are nowhere near the kind of porn that most SA's act out with. I think in the beginning of SA, it does start there, but it progresses to more hardcore and deviant stuff to get that high and escape that SA's seek.

3) As for your thought that he is not lying to protect you, you are right in that if he is SA he is only thinking of protecting himself and keeping his secret life under wraps. If he is indeed SA, he cannot enter any sort of recovery without admitting that he is powerless over SA. That is step 1 in the 12 steps. Even before my H was in recovery (the last 9 years!) he admitted he had a problem, but just wasn't ready to do anything about it. I think most addicts (but not all) have to hit bottom before they are ready to make the changes and get into recovery. If your H is SA, it sounds like he isn't there yet.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SA is looking for a program for his laptop that will block him from looking at porn sites. He does not want a keylogger, because I refuse to monitor him. I no longer look at his email, cell phone records etc. and have not for a long time. So is there such a program out there? I don't mind being the code person; the one who types in the code that starts or stops the program, but absolutely no more responsibility that that.


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward,
CovenantEyes is a very good one for this situation. I insisted I not be involved in my SAH's computer monitoring, also.
With CovenantEyes, he has an accountability partner, who can also do the passwords if you choose. You can have more than one user for the computer.
The accountability partner for my SAH is one of the guys at his group, and he is partner for one of the guys at SAA.
I have nothing to do with it, keeping me Sane!


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, March 28th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tootrusting. He does not have an accountability partner; a live one anyway. He may be on Recovery Nation, which I'm sure you know is an online program for SA. I don't know. I don't ask. His recovery is totally up to him. I don't mind putting in the password, but like you, that's it. That is what makes me feel safe and sane!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
MoreThanMe
♀ Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

X-POST

So, in short-we've been together 14 years-2 children (1 two week old!)-
about five years ago-dh started looking at porn and eventually became a SA. (i had NO idea-other than he quit wanting to have sex-EVER).
Eventually ONS with internet woman-and sex chats, etc.

Anyway-kicked him out on dday-let him come back-if he went to meetngs/quit drinking/saw a SA counselor. He did for a couple of months-but then stopped-we were still going to m/c. I threatened to leave him-he started going to counseling again.

FOO effed up-no excuse-i know.

sooooo, now no counseling appts-no mtgs-won't even read the SA book *I* bought.

My IC-told me that i allowed him to check out of our marriage (true) and that i need to tell him-go to counsleing or else-and that his recovery not my job.

But now I feel like i am letting him let our marraige slip away. But i'm so sick of him not going to mtgs then me threatening to leave and then he'll go. WTF?

My IC suggested that i not make him do anything-just to set a date in my head-which i did-june-and just take notes. That i needed to rest-to quit trying to save our marraige.

I guess that's my answer? I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. ((SIGH))

I know i should go to COSA-or the co-d SA group-but i work full time, gave birth three weeks ago.....And counselor doesn't think i am co-d. I did kick him out the same day i found out....

But maybe i am becoming one.

Dear WS-WAKE THE F UP!!!

Please advise!!!!!


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 694 | Registered: Sep 2009
rollercoaster80
♀ Member
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((MoreThanMe))

You can try Recovery Nation for support;it is online support group. I also believe that COSA has an online group. You need to somehow allow him to own his recovery.(Easier said than done. I also need to listen to this advice but mostly for my son who has drug addiction).

I found the book Co Dependant No More and another book by the same author The Language of Letting Go helpful.It is a book of daily meditations and I read it as needed.

PS: Haven't been on this thread in a while. FWS and I are doing well. Son is sober and on suboxone for cravings.(but still struggling with sober life)
Life goes on....

[This message edited by rollercoaster80 at 4:03 PM, April 3rd (Saturday)]


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twokids checking in here. My COSA meetings and 12 step work have helped me move forward, or at least not sink too far downward.

My heart sank when I saw Dr. Phil with the rabbit years. It's been just over 1 year that I joined SI. It wasn't until Nov '09 that I realized I was dealing with a SA. Those rabbit ears reminded me of those early days post 1st DDay. What a wild and crazy ride, but I'm still standing.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, April 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I haven't posted on here in several months but I told my H I wanted a divorce. You see, he hasn't quite recovered from his addiction. He's a "dry drunk".

He's in the Army and deployed at the moment. We've been fighting a lot this week. He hasn't acted out in several months but upon his return, he's pressuring me to do sexual acts that I find degrading.

I'm not a prude. I've had sex with my H in kinky places before but I draw a line somewhere. You see, when he returns, we're planning on visitting his family because they're paying our way over there for a reunion. Well, he wants us to go skinny dipping in his parents' swimming pool at night when everyone's asleep. He promises we wont get caught. In exchange for that, we'll go out and do stuff which he doesn't like. For instance, I want to go to a club. He dislikes them but he'll go go with me if I do the latter mentioned. I am very pissed off right now because I know he'll come up with something else that's crazy. For everyone else, I say to each their own, I won't judge. However, I know sex in a healthy relationship is about mutual respect and I feel he's not respecting me as it isn't the first time he put pressure on me.

I love my in laws dearly and I am terrified that we'll get caught.

Well, I sent him a message to his facebook telling him I've had enough and I want a divorce. I told him that I don't need him to have fun. I have learned to have fun with or without him.

I was hoping he would log on today but for some reason he wasn't able to. I've been having a hard time functioning today and I was hoping we'd talk tonight since I have school in the morning. I'm dreading it because I know I won't be able to give my all because of this situation.

If I leave, it'll be as soon as I graduate from school in a few months and that's when I plan to leave.

The DDay1 3 year antiversary just passed. He had 3 years to find help and I'm at the point where I dont want to try anymore. We sought MC, he went to SA meetings and we couldn't do IC because of his work schedule.

I only feel bad because he's deployed now but the fact that he's in harm's way doesn't give him the right to be such a douchebag!

I have access to his facebook and I can delete that message before he logs on in the morning... I hope I'm doing the right thing....

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 11:21 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, April 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to delete the message I sent him and wait till either the morning or the afternoon after school to actually talk to him... I still really don't want to try anymore.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MoreThanMe - you did not "allow" him to check out of the marriage....he did that on his own. But you do need to have boundaries in place, and enforce them.

You need to know what are deal breakers for you, and then have in place the results of what will happen if one of those deal breakers happens.

And let him know....calmly, and matter of fact. They are not for punishment, or vindication...boundaries are simply things that are important to you and your well-being, and that you refuse to negotiate because you respect yourself enough to know what is important to you.

There are on-line COSA meetings...I looked into them at one point, but I do better with in person meetings. If you google for them, though, you should be able to find them, and I think they will be helpful.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momofthree - I am so sorry he still doesn't get it. Drydrunks are sometimes even worse to deal with than when they are actively in their addiction!

Him not respecting the fact that you are uncomfortable having sex in his parents pool shows that he still does not get it, and it is still about him and his own selfish pursuits. He is still seeking that "thrill" factor, and the "high", only he is trying to do it with you now instead of online activities or others.

He is still seeing sex as just sex, and not as an intimate bonding experience. And he is trying to bribe you to get what he wants! Ugh!

That is still manipulating.

My WS kept pressuring me to have sex in a community hot tub at the apartments he lived at. I wouldn't, but by the time we got back to the apartment, he had lost interest. He wasn't interested in bonding with me, he was just interested in the thrill of maybe getting caught.

I think you will know when you have had enough, and you have been dealing with this long enough to know how you feel about it by now. I do think it is better, though, that you speak to him personally rather than leave a message.

And, just because he is deployed gives him NO excuse. There are many people in the military that can remain faithful and true to their SO's. Remember, this job was HIS choice. He is there because this is what he wanted to do.

((((ScribblingMum)))


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momofthree, I think NA gave you pretty good advice. What I would add to this, is that maybe you should hold off on discussing marriage related stuff until you are ready to leave. You said you have a couple of months until school is over. Maybe use that time to square away your affairs, get some IC in, and make your plans while still receiving the financial benefits of being married. Maybe this sounds calloused and calculating, but you have to look out for yourself and your kids. "Dry drunks" can be real a-holes, as we all know. I wouldn't want to see you piss him off and have him try to hurt you or the kids financially.

I think at the point where you have your ducks in a row (after graduation, getting a job, etc.), you should tell him that you have expectations in a marriage, and that his unwillingness to work on his SA is a dealbreaker. You have stuck this out for 3 years, and he is not showing progress. I don't think anyone would fault you for leaving.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NaiveAgain, toomanyyears, thanks ladies. I doubt my H would do anything to hurt me financially. He is an awesome provider. However, I think you're right. I should wait to get my ducks in a row.... I'm at the very least going to tell him that I will not do such a degrading act. I mean I've had sex with him out in the woods twice, in a car in a semi secluded area, and most rescently in a banyan tree in the middle of downtown here where there were people within 2 miles of us and that hasn't been enough. I'm sick and tired of degrading myself to pleasehim and an article I read yesterday served as an eye opener. He just doesn't want me going to a night club without him cause he doesn't trust the men that go to those places but the thing is' I'd only go if his brothers and sister invite me . If he keeps me from hanging out with them at all, I'm at the point where I'm going to out him to his family. I'm sick and tired of catering to his selfish wants and being made to feel guilty when I don't.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my H didn't log on to his facebook for whatever reason so I only left him a message telling him I won't do what he suggested. I told him that I know how to have fun without him so I won't feel lonely if he doesn't go with me.

I'll hold off on telling about me wanting a divorce and on filing since it'll still be a long time before he returns.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 12:36 AM, April 8th (Thursday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momofthree, good for you for holding firm to your boundaries. No one has the right to manipulate us in those ways.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

haven't heard from my H today either. i know he's fine but it bothers me that he hasn't logged on in 2 days when what i have to say is so important.

maybe i won't leave right away. that might have to be a decision i'll make once i graduate. . . I just feel peaceful about making that choice if i have to right now.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my H got to call me today. Since he wasn't able to log on to his FB I told him I wasn't going to do those things he wanted me to do. He didn't argue with me, he said it was fine.
For now, I'm just going to keep watching and waiting. I can't deny that he's trying. I'm just at the point where I'm not afraid to leave if I really have to. As long as he starts respecting my boundaries, I can see myself trying and the fact that he didn't argue or sent me on a guilt trip gives me hope.

He's not coming home for several months and I'm still in school so I can't really leave right now.

I'll take full advantage of these next few months in the meantime.

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 1:52 AM, April 9th (Friday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Marcia
Member
Member # 6503
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just at the point where I'm not afraid to leave if I really have to.

I'll take full advantage of these next few months in the meantime.

Both of these are excellent developments. Hang in there!


WHEN DID THE RULES CHANGE?
How did I miss the memo???

People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)


Posts: 225 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Washington DC
redeeminglove
♀ New Member
Member # 28196
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, April 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to introduce myself in here.

I'm separated from my SA since 12/09. Married 3 years next month. D-Day #1 was 2/15/08.

This last time, I had made up my mind to divorce him. God got in the way, though and I went through a bunch of things where I just couldn't get the money together to go through with the legal process. Mid-March, we start talking about financial stuff & I learn he's involved in counseling and a 12-step. I've seen receipts, so he's actually telling the truth.

By now, the haze of pain has started to clear. I'm starting to feel like, if he's working on it, then I should stay (separated). In my heart of hearts, I still just want everything to be okay. I still want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I'm really looking to connect with people who "get it". I'm tired of being treated like an idiot because I want to work on it. I don't think I'm ready to give up yet, if he isn't.

[This message edited by redeeminglove at 6:48 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]


M 3Y
1DD 2/15/08
WH is SA
S 11/30/09
Let Go, Let God

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Dallas, TX
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