I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
1) Has your H been diagnosed as a SA by a CSAT, or has your MC/Ic said what basis they are diagnosing them as SA on? It may be possible that your H is not a SA, but I am not a professional, and I don't know your whole story, either.
2) If he is SA, maybe he doesn't want to admit to his acting out. Fantasy is a heavy part of SA. My H (and others have said the same) scanned women and had obsessive thoughts about those who he sexually objectified. Unless he is hiding things from you (which is definitely possible if he is SA), Playboy and soft core porn, while offensive to me are nowhere near the kind of porn that most SA's act out with. I think in the beginning of SA, it does start there, but it progresses to more hardcore and deviant stuff to get that high and escape that SA's seek.
3) As for your thought that he is not lying to protect you, you are right in that if he is SA he is only thinking of protecting himself and keeping his secret life under wraps. If he is indeed SA, he cannot enter any sort of recovery without admitting that he is powerless over SA. That is step 1 in the 12 steps. Even before my H was in recovery (the last 9 years!) he admitted he had a problem, but just wasn't ready to do anything about it. I think most addicts (but not all) have to hit bottom before they are ready to make the changes and get into recovery. If your H is SA, it sounds like he isn't there yet.
So, in short-we've been together 14 years-2 children (1 two week old!)-
about five years ago-dh started looking at porn and eventually became a SA. (i had NO idea-other than he quit wanting to have sex-EVER).
Eventually ONS with internet woman-and sex chats, etc.
Anyway-kicked him out on dday-let him come back-if he went to meetngs/quit drinking/saw a SA counselor. He did for a couple of months-but then stopped-we were still going to m/c. I threatened to leave him-he started going to counseling again.
FOO effed up-no excuse-i know.
sooooo, now no counseling appts-no mtgs-won't even read the SA book *I* bought.
My IC-told me that i allowed him to check out of our marriage (true) and that i need to tell him-go to counsleing or else-and that his recovery not my job.
But now I feel like i am letting him let our marraige slip away. But i'm so sick of him not going to mtgs then me threatening to leave and then he'll go. WTF?
My IC suggested that i not make him do anything-just to set a date in my head-which i did-june-and just take notes. That i needed to rest-to quit trying to save our marraige.
I guess that's my answer? I can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. ((SIGH))
I know i should go to COSA-or the co-d SA group-but i work full time, gave birth three weeks ago.....And counselor doesn't think i am co-d. I did kick him out the same day i found out....
But maybe i am becoming one.
Dear WS-WAKE THE F UP!!!
fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009
You can try Recovery Nation for support;it is online support group. I also believe that COSA has an online group. You need to somehow allow him to own his recovery.(Easier said than done. I also need to listen to this advice but mostly for my son who has drug addiction).
I found the book Co Dependant No More and another book by the same author The Language of Letting Go helpful.It is a book of daily meditations and I read it as needed.
PS: Haven't been on this thread in a while. FWS and I are doing well. Son is sober and on suboxone for cravings.(but still struggling with sober life)
Life goes on....
[This message edited by rollercoaster80 at 4:03 PM, April 3rd (Saturday)]
multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage
My heart sank when I saw Dr. Phil with the rabbit years. It's been just over 1 year that I joined SI. It wasn't until Nov '09 that I realized I was dealing with a SA. Those rabbit ears reminded me of those early days post 1st DDay. What a wild and crazy ride, but I'm still standing.
He's in the Army and deployed at the moment. We've been fighting a lot this week. He hasn't acted out in several months but upon his return, he's pressuring me to do sexual acts that I find degrading.
I'm not a prude. I've had sex with my H in kinky places before but I draw a line somewhere. You see, when he returns, we're planning on visitting his family because they're paying our way over there for a reunion. Well, he wants us to go skinny dipping in his parents' swimming pool at night when everyone's asleep. He promises we wont get caught. In exchange for that, we'll go out and do stuff which he doesn't like. For instance, I want to go to a club. He dislikes them but he'll go go with me if I do the latter mentioned. I am very pissed off right now because I know he'll come up with something else that's crazy. For everyone else, I say to each their own, I won't judge. However, I know sex in a healthy relationship is about mutual respect and I feel he's not respecting me as it isn't the first time he put pressure on me.
I love my in laws dearly and I am terrified that we'll get caught.
Well, I sent him a message to his facebook telling him I've had enough and I want a divorce. I told him that I don't need him to have fun. I have learned to have fun with or without him.
I was hoping he would log on today but for some reason he wasn't able to. I've been having a hard time functioning today and I was hoping we'd talk tonight since I have school in the morning. I'm dreading it because I know I won't be able to give my all because of this situation.
If I leave, it'll be as soon as I graduate from school in a few months and that's when I plan to leave.
The DDay1 3 year antiversary just passed. He had 3 years to find help and I'm at the point where I dont want to try anymore. We sought MC, he went to SA meetings and we couldn't do IC because of his work schedule.
I only feel bad because he's deployed now but the fact that he's in harm's way doesn't give him the right to be such a douchebag!
I have access to his facebook and I can delete that message before he logs on in the morning... I hope I'm doing the right thing....
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 11:21 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]
You need to know what are deal breakers for you, and then have in place the results of what will happen if one of those deal breakers happens.
And let him know....calmly, and matter of fact. They are not for punishment, or vindication...boundaries are simply things that are important to you and your well-being, and that you refuse to negotiate because you respect yourself enough to know what is important to you.
There are on-line COSA meetings...I looked into them at one point, but I do better with in person meetings. If you google for them, though, you should be able to find them, and I think they will be helpful.
Him not respecting the fact that you are uncomfortable having sex in his parents pool shows that he still does not get it, and it is still about him and his own selfish pursuits. He is still seeking that "thrill" factor, and the "high", only he is trying to do it with you now instead of online activities or others.
He is still seeing sex as just sex, and not as an intimate bonding experience. And he is trying to bribe you to get what he wants! Ugh!
That is still manipulating.
My WS kept pressuring me to have sex in a community hot tub at the apartments he lived at. I wouldn't, but by the time we got back to the apartment, he had lost interest. He wasn't interested in bonding with me, he was just interested in the thrill of maybe getting caught.
I think you will know when you have had enough, and you have been dealing with this long enough to know how you feel about it by now. I do think it is better, though, that you speak to him personally rather than leave a message.
And, just because he is deployed gives him NO excuse. There are many people in the military that can remain faithful and true to their SO's. Remember, this job was HIS choice. He is there because this is what he wanted to do.
I think at the point where you have your ducks in a row (after graduation, getting a job, etc.), you should tell him that you have expectations in a marriage, and that his unwillingness to work on his SA is a dealbreaker. You have stuck this out for 3 years, and he is not showing progress. I don't think anyone would fault you for leaving.
I'll hold off on telling about me wanting a divorce and on filing since it'll still be a long time before he returns.
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 12:36 AM, April 8th (Thursday)]
maybe i won't leave right away. that might have to be a decision i'll make once i graduate. . . I just feel peaceful about making that choice if i have to right now.
He's not coming home for several months and I'm still in school so I can't really leave right now.
I'll take full advantage of these next few months in the meantime.
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 1:52 AM, April 9th (Friday)]
I'm just at the point where I'm not afraid to leave if I really have to.
I'll take full advantage of these next few months in the meantime.
Both of these are excellent developments. Hang in there!
People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)
I'm separated from my SA since 12/09. Married 3 years next month. D-Day #1 was 2/15/08.
This last time, I had made up my mind to divorce him. God got in the way, though and I went through a bunch of things where I just couldn't get the money together to go through with the legal process. Mid-March, we start talking about financial stuff & I learn he's involved in counseling and a 12-step. I've seen receipts, so he's actually telling the truth.
By now, the haze of pain has started to clear. I'm starting to feel like, if he's working on it, then I should stay (separated). In my heart of hearts, I still just want everything to be okay. I still want to spend the rest of my life with this man.
I'm really looking to connect with people who "get it". I'm tired of being treated like an idiot because I want to work on it. I don't think I'm ready to give up yet, if he isn't.
[This message edited by redeeminglove at 6:48 PM, April 10th (Saturday)]