At the same time, I'm looking forward to joining him in a little more than a month. I do enjoy his company, but it's hard living with an SA day in and day out.
He's in an environment surrounded by all kinds of women, and I don't worry one bit. I cannot control what he does. That in itself is so liberating. I think this separation is very good for us. It's interesting how I could barely stand him being out of my sight after D-Day and now after 10+ days, I'm loving the alone time.
After every single dday (there have been 4) he promises me he will go to therapy, straighten up, and so forth. It has been over 1 year and he has never kept his word.
I've been able to retain my sanity through the strength I receive from my COSA group. I've lost faith in us and sadly look forward to our separation; ironically he seems to be trying harder than ever.
I don't know what will happen. If I've learned one thing, its that I can't control him, just me.
This last year I've been in the fight of my life, trying to save my marriage. It turns out I needn't have tried so hard, for what good it did me.
Hopefully you'll fare much better than I did.
5 years ago today was Dday #1.
It still hurts.
It's still a trigger.
I wonder if it always will be?
Look how far we've come.
But it still feels like yesterday.
I know, well, I almost know. We passed the 4 year antiversary of dday 1 last month.
It actually helps a little to hear you say this. Sometimes I struggle with thinking something is wrong with me that it still hurts in spite of all the wonderful work he's done, I've done and we've done.
Hugs, hun, I think of you often.
[This message edited by JustWow at 10:00 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]
edited for typos (I always have to!)
Did I do the right thing? I was celibate for about 6 years. I was pretty okay. then a man at work appeared. He kept asking me out. Finally, I agreed. We were very compatible, the attraction was electric, the relationship progressed very rapidly. He told me he loved me! Well here‘s the catch.....what he didn‘t tell me when he asked me out was....he was married. So he then told me he was seperated and was going thru a divorce.....not! I wrote to his wife to find out the truth...of course she blamed me! He was a bit abusive towards me, and very jealous! I had nothing to hide, but he did! Anyway to make a long story short...I walked away after a year. He left me 45 voice messages, and over 50 emails professing his love. After 30 days I went back to him. I caught him cheating. He was very sneaky. I broke up again. He is a huge Liar, he watches porn constantly, masterbates.numerous sex partners, unprotected sex, cycber sex etc. was with who knows how many women while married and with me. So now four years later, I still talk to him.....he has sex on the brain...so I realized he is a Sex Addict.....it all made sense, so I read all about it, because as we have been talking, he now says he doesn‘t want a relationship, but would have sex. He won‘t ever tell me he has a girlfrined. Anyway....I just wrote to him explaining to him that he is a sex addict, not to hurt him, but because I believe he needs help! I realize that I am a co-dependent....did i do the right thing in telling him he is a sex addict and i attached all the behaviors.
I have to say, it is pretty cool to see you posting. When I first joined SI, I learned so much by reading your posts.
Work on yourself and why you want to be with this man. You stated you were co-dependent. Start there. Go to IC, read, do whatever you need to do for yourself. His SA is not your problem at this point. Good luck.
Thanks for saying that.
Sometimes I feel like I am just being "negative" with my SAH, when I say that I will always feel the effects of this ordeal. He feels so hurt when I say this, like it will just someday be completely invisible and gone. I just don't see that it would even be healthy to ever expect it to be "gone."
I know what you mean about that feeling that we still have even after all the work. While I can see the huge changes in my SAH, there are some areas that are still so difficult to be patient with.
Then once in a while I get that slammed-in-the-chest feeling reminding me of the surreal and painful realities of my SAH's past actions.
He continues to tell me how hard he is trying and had the nerve to ask me why I can't start trusing him when after "six months he has done exactly what he is supposed to!" Well, I reminded him that for 16 years he didn't and six months is not going to fix things!
We are working with an amazing CSAT who won't accept any BS from him or me! She is working with him to create a complete disclosure of what he can "remember." She has explained to me the compartmentalization and is working at breaking down his walls.
There are many moments in a day when I just wonder why I should go through this. I do love my husband and we have two amazing children but can you EVER trust them again? Do people really recover from SA and have normal, functioning, emotional relationships? I wonder if I am not just wasting my time but I also believe that I will know if I am supposed to leave and I do not have that freedom yet.
I also realize that I have to learn to focus on me. It is so hard to look at me and not see him though. I have given everything I am to him over the past 16 years only to find it was all a lie! I believed in our marriage and was at, what I thought was, such a great place! I am struggling with the long term big picture and would love some insight from those of you who have walked this path and made it out the other side in recovery and reconciliation. I have also heard that 9 out of 10 SA's will re-offend after they start recovery - have any of you found this to be true?
Thanks for your insight and help!
I've heard that 'slips' after recovery begins are common. It happened to me. WH earnestly swore that he was done with OW, how he would begin recovery; how he was determined to save our marriage. He made some efforts in that direct but then was back with OW within 6 weeks.
I don't know what I would do if it wasn't for my COSA group, 12 step work and my IC.
I've been posting on this thread on and off for the past 3 years. I've had net nanny installed on our computers. My H is in the Army and is currently deployed. He'll be coming home in a few months and I switched cell phone carriers and I have to get a cell phone for my H when he comes back. I own an iPhone and I was thinking of getting him one. To my knowledge, Net Nanny doesn't have an iPhone app. I found a parental controls app but I'm not sure how good it is. Do any of you who own an iPhone know of a good Net Nanny equivalent app? If so, I'd appreciate the info.
For obvious reasons, I won't get him an iPhone if there isn't a NN equivalent for it.
[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 1:06 AM, May 24th (Monday)]
I first had thoughts of participating in his online cyber chats, so that I was included and it could be blended into as foreplay and not be his dirty little secret anymore...making it not shameful and still getting a healthy "fix."
I am a very sexual person as well, we haven't had a dry spell, a dry spell for us would be intercourse only once a day, plus we exchange loving/sexual email, text, and phone calls through out the day. I can't understand how he need MORE! Does all of this need to stop, how much is too much, how much is filling into his addiction? Have I been an inhibitor without knowing?
Right now we have agreed on nothing outside the relationship, ie no chatting, texts or porn unless its with me.
What measures should I be taking to help him with recovery, but still maintain my own recovery alongside him? I have so many questions, and no one to talk to!
So far my husband is doing everything that he should and I have seen drastic improvement since December.
I have met a couple of women who are/were married to SA....one just recently shared that a friend who's husband was in recovery for 5yrs just acted out again...
I have been sick since I heard that...I know it happens...
How many here have a spouse that was actively involved in recovery, doing well and they still ended up acting out?