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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Renee, the sad fact is that addicts relapse. Almost every single one of them. The issue is the core personality which is damaged, and the addiction of choice is the default. This is why SA is so difficult. If an alcoholic relapses, he gets drunk. A drug abuser gets high. And usually, unless they are in a car or in a place where they are operating something, they usually only hurt themselves. The SA does not have that option. If they act out, unless it is solo porn, their partner is also affected. They run the risk of VD, hepatitis, aids. This is a very serious issue, and why so many spouses of SA's end up getting divorced.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I know. I grew up with a dad that is an alcoholic....I think I could deal with my husband slipping up and getting drunk. Acting out sexually is just too much for me...I am all messed up after this most recent D-Day...

I already know that I need to get my affairs in order and have a plan in place if I need to file for divorce....that is one of the boundaries that I put into place...

acting out=divorce

I can't help but think that I am putting off something that is going to happen one way or another....it just sucks...I didn't break him but I got the end result of all of the abuse and other nonsense that helped make him this way.....

there is no real solution here is there....I really hate this....just having a bad day....


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
simcha
♀ New Member
Member # 24541
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, May 26th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to a 13049

I think it might really help you to read some of the great books available on SA. Part of the "fix" for an addict is the very fact that it IS a "dirty little secret" - it IS shameful (which is part of what the SA thinks he or she deserves) - it's NOT "healthy." From what I've learned (to my sorrow) there will NEVER be "enough" healthy, loving sex for an SA not to crave the hidden, secret and often degraded sex they find outside of a loving open relationship. Just MHO.


Me: BW
Still married to WH 25 yrs 5-2010
D day: 09-05-05

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did your WH sex addict ever look at really dark porn...or worse..bizarre stuff? or child porn..how did you deal with that!?

I saw the group sex--run-of-mill disgusting porn he viewed...standard ejac. on the girl's face crap...but never of the real sick-o rape stuff or fetishy things, although I'm sure that's possible to progress ...or he might've acted this shet out w/ live hookers...

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 1:45 AM, May 27th (Thursday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
a13049
♀ New Member
Member # 28392
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today he tells me he feels relieved that I know and that somehow me knowing has lifted his desire to act out any more...is he lieing to make me feel better or could he really feel this way? If he does feel this way I'm sure its temporary but he says telling someone about his issue feels so good and he wish he had told me everything the first time around....DUH!!! (I wish he told me the truth the first time around as well!)

Now I am really confused about what is health sexual behavior for us and what could make him relapse? If I have even a tiny bit of control? Maybe thats the scariest part...no control!


Posts: 45 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Missouri
simcha
♀ New Member
Member # 24541
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a13049 -
I think it is possible for a SAWH to go into recovery, but it takes a lot of time, a real desire to recover and a lot of work on the issues that led to the SA in the first place - issues that often began in childhood. It's not so much a matter of how "dark" the acting out is - it's how embedded the SA is in them. What the author of Porn Nation calls his "Great Escape" can become more important than anything else - and it is, by definition, something that doesn't involve his significant other. A 12-step program and/or CSAT can help him - MC can help you both. Without professional help though, I really don't see how a true SA can recover and resolve his precipitating issues. Again, just my opinion.


Me: BW
Still married to WH 25 yrs 5-2010
D day: 09-05-05

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a-

SA wish that they could or would change overnight (and their BS, as well). My experience tells me it doesn't happen that way. My SA WH has said he wants to recover, but his actions suggest he's not up to it. As a result, he's as sick now as he was a year ago, at DDAY 1 (dday 3 was Mar 5 of this year).

He hasn't changed, but I am. I'm slowly working on some solid boundaries.

It all takes so much time.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, May 27th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momofthree2007
If your husband is not sober and is not in active recovery, working a program etc... he should NOT have a smart phone of any kind. If he is not in control of his acting out he can't handle a smart phone. An iPhone is a bad idea.

As far as you have NN on your computer, that's all well and good but unless he's in active recovery, seeing a CSAT and working a program you're just being his mother. That's not healthy for you.
~~~~~~
a13049

I am having a hard time understanding a recovering SA...alcoholics are told to stop drinking entirely, but as a SA we aren't asking them to quit sex completely, right?

Right, they have to stop the unhealthy acting out. They need to get sober (which means no sexual activity of any kind, not with you, not with anyone else, not with themselves [masturbation]) for a minimum of 90 days. That's how long the brain chemicals take to reset. During that time he should be seeing a CSAT and working a program and going to group or SA meetings. Then he can begin working on having healthy intimacy with you and only you. Ultimately the only sex a SA can/should have is healthy, truly connected and intimate sex with his committed partner. Masturbation is a no-no forever.

I first had thoughts of participating in his online cyber chats, so that I was included and it could be blended into as foreplay and not be his dirty little secret anymore...making it not shameful and still getting a healthy "fix."

This is not a good idea. This is a co-dependent and/or co-addict behavior. Not good. He needs to give that up and you should never engage in those behaviors with him.

I am a very sexual person as well, we haven't had a dry spell, a dry spell for us would be intercourse only once a day, plus we exchange loving/sexual email, text, and phone calls through out the day. I can't understand how he need MORE! Does all of this need to stop, how much is too much, how much is filling into his addiction? Have I been an inhibitor without knowing?

In my opinion you are engaging in co-addict behavior with him... at the very least it's extremely co-dependent behavior and ultimately unhealthy for your relationship. I think the word you were looking for is "enabler" and yes, you are enabling him.

Right now we have agreed on nothing outside the relationship, ie no chatting, texts or porn unless its with me.

Ultimately this will backfire. He is a SA and he needs to be in a program and seeing a CSAT and stopping all his acting out, even with you.

What measures should I be taking to help him with recovery, but still maintain my own recovery alongside him? I have so many questions, and no one to talk to!

Go to the first page of this thread and look for my post, I think it's the 3rd post of the thread. It's a list of resources for newbie spouses of SA. I need to update it a bit but it's a good start.

Today he tells me he feels relieved that I know and that somehow me knowing has lifted his desire to act out any more...is he lieing to make me feel better or could he really feel this way? If he does feel this way I'm sure its temporary but he says telling someone about his issue feels so good and he wish he had told me everything the first time around....DUH!!! (I wish he told me the truth the first time around as well!)

This is pretty typical of an addict newly facing discovery. Bottom line, no this is not a fix, this is him "white knuckling" it and it will not last. He needs to see a CSAT, work a program and go to SA meetings or a group. He cannot control this. He cannot just stop. He needs professional help.
Now I am really confused about what is health sexual behavior for us and what could make him relapse? If I have even a tiny bit of control? Maybe thats the scariest part...no control!

You cannot control it. You didn't create it. You cannot cure it. That is the mantra of the SA partner. The 3 Cs. He has to chose to work a recovery program. You have to chose to do your own recovery. You can't fix him. You have to work on YOU. Seeking counseling with a CSAT or someone skilled at treating spouses of SA. Read the books I recommend. Including, this new one that I've just started reading: "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" - Barbara Steffens

Start with either Deceived or Mending a Shattered Heart. See my post on page one for more details.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
renee21

How many here have a spouse that was actively involved in recovery, doing well and they still ended up acting out?

My rSA is coming up on 5 years and he's never had a slip. He's worked really hard. Slips are common and you have to remember that a "slip" may not be the end all, be all end of your marriage. There are levels of acting out. Masturbation would be a small slip that frankly I don't think is worth ending a marriage over if he admits it and recommits to his program and recovery. There are many SAs who maintain sobriety but many do have slips now and again. You have to look at your individual situation and decide on your boundaries and consequences.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
simcha


I think it might really help you to read some of the great books available on SA. Part of the "fix" for an addict is the very fact that it IS a "dirty little secret" - it IS shameful (which is part of what the SA thinks he or she deserves) - it's NOT "healthy." From what I've learned (to my sorrow) there will NEVER be "enough" healthy, loving sex for an SA not to crave the hidden, secret and often degraded sex they find outside of a loving open relationship. Just MHO.

Every SA is different. There may be SAs who will never have a healthy relationship but it is not true of all SAs. It's dangerous to make those kinds of sweeping generalizations and condemn all SAs to never being able to have a healthy relationship. There are many, many, many SAs who are in recovery, who are healthy and who are able to have healthy, loving, intimate sexual relationships with their SOs. My rSA is one of them. Our relationship is "enough" for him. IMHO, I think you latched onto something in the books you read and somehow missed the big picture. Perhaps you need to read more books... or the right books. You shouldn't be reading books intended for the addict... you should read books written for the spouse/partner. The books for the addict are meant to scare them and frankly they are often just too much for the spouse/partner. I realize you say it's just your opinion but it comes off as you stating a fact because you claim to have read it in a book. Can you quote the actual passages that say a SA can NEVER have a healthy sexual relationship? Can you tell me what book you read it in and who wrote it? Misinformation about SA is rampant and I think it's important not to keep perpetuating it. The books I have read are listed in my post on the first page of this thread. I have never, in all my research and reading seen anything that said that an SA can never have a healthy relationship and that sex with his SO will never be enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Boy, when I wade back in I really wade back in...

7

[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 11:59 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the advantage of a CSAT vs. a regular therapist? There isn't a CSAT in our town. It would be a 45 min. drive. The therapist WH is seeing is in "consultation" with a SA therapist but ??? I am not sure. And WH seems to think his therapy is going well, but that he doesn't have a "problem" and that the therapist agrees with him. I am sure it is all lies, because everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. Big realization that is for me. And, he is in town this weekend. He works out of state. Our sons are recently aware of some details. 9 year old asked me yesterday what Daddy did to make me sad and angry. I was vague, grown up stuff... just because I am angry doesn't mean I don't love Daddy. We need to talk and work it out, blah, blah. Then he point blank asked me "Does Daddy have a girlfriend?" *ack. I knuckled down and took a deep breath. I said, "he did." Then my son asked, "did he kiss her?" yes. "Did you tell him to stop?" yes. "did he?" he says he did. He loves us and he wants to make it right. (I hope that is true for the kids sake if nothing else...) Now the 9yo won't talk to Daddy on the phone. I am stressing that Daddy loves him. That my issues with Daddy don't need to be his concern, he doesn't have to mad for me. But if he is its ok. This is the worst. Hurting more for the boys than me today. So I shared the conversation with H and he wants to talk to them tonight. Don't know what he might say, how he might explain his "unhappiness" that "caused" him to cheat. Praying for strength.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
mitehvblonitpa
♂ Member
Member # 23291
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
SA here as you can read....I just have to pipe in to agree with those who have said noone who is reputable in the field would ever make a generalization about "NO SA CAN EVER HAVE A HEALTHY sexual relationship" I have been an addict for most of my life it has affected every relationship in my life...and I mean all relationships. I have been seeing a great CSAT...and going to SA meetings (min 5/wk)for about 14 months now.....I have learned and learn more every day about loving my W and family. I can not say I will never slip. I can say that if I do my sponsor and my BW will be told immediately. I love my new way of life and do not want to give it up for anything...I have a new relationship with my FOO which is developing in a healthy manner...omg yes this can happen too....Every SA like every person is different...but all have some bottom which can open our eyes...sorry if this is not wanted but I felt compelled to at least write. Thanks all
G


FWH SA-me (61)
BW-her (48)
Married 18 years
Together 17 years
4 wonderful kids-21, 15, 12, 9
D-day after D-day after D-day seriously I can not count them .....I feel like OJ heck what's one more stab wound

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: PA
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mitehvblonitpa and 7yrs,

Thank you for your input! simcha's post was very discouraging ... you have both made me feel much better today.




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so grateful for this! mitehvblonitpa- your honesty and sharing is so touching and welcomed. If I could get just that from my own H I could face the work and slips ahead, I know I could. It's the doubt and the lies...

When WH went to SA meetings, he said he wasn't like any of those men. ergo, he doesn't have a problem. They were all older than him. (he's 38). they had been arrested, lost $1000's to their addiction, lost jobs, etc. He just has a "need" that causes him to have sex with strangers from Craigslist and to put naked pics of himself on the internet and to view internet porn. The ED is probably "health related" (his words). I really wish he would go to SA because I think it would help him to be accountable and have a support group that "gets it." But if he feels so out of place ???


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
living4hope
♀ Member
Member # 27556
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caregiver9000,
I just wanted to give you MHO on the CSAT. My H and I met with regular counselors for 5 months prior to going to a CSAT. The initial counselors worked really hard to help us work through our stuff, however, after 5 months we found that we had not made any progress in the area of SA and were no closer to full disclosure than on day 1. We started seeing a CSAT that is 2 hours away (we each go once a week for 1.5 hours). We have been working with her for 6 weeks and both he and I have already made significant progress. They know exactly how to work with an SA to help them begin the process of sobriety, they also know the signs if they are unwilling or not ready, and they have the tools to truly help the spouse deal with their issues becaus of SA. I highly encourage you to use a CSAT - there is a world of difference, IMHO.


BS(Me) - 44
WH - 49...died 8/28/2011
DDay1 - 11/27/2009
Dday2 - 2/2/2010
Dday3 - 6/25/2010 - 3 PA - 1+ years each, 1 year EA
Married - 14 years
Children - boy 13, girl 10

Posts: 69 | Registered: Feb 2010
Grace Under Fire
♀ Member
Member # 21533
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, May 28th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if there's any help I'm really asking for here. Maybe just some words of comfort.

DDay was almost 2 years ago. Husband is SA, been involved in recovery but relapses with porn every few months (always lies, always gets caught). His desire for me is nonexistent without porn, despite his desire to stay in the marriage and his words that he loves me. He's never had contact with any of the OW.

Today I told him it simply wasn't enough. I want to separate. I realize that this opens the door to his acting out/affairs/giving into his addiction without any monitoring from me -- but that's simply the way it has to be.

Maia has talked about how spouses "personalize" the Sexual Addiction...and she's right. And I can't find a way not to do it, so it's time to give up the fight. I'm frightened; I'm the mother of four children under 6 years old. But I don't know what else to do. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I need to hear them.


Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2008
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, May 29th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grace, I am so sorry you have come to this point. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do for ourselves and our sanity. To live a life of peace and dignity is what we all want and need.

There is no peace living with a SA who is relapsing over and over. He's like a dry drunk... and you know it's only a matter of time before he goes on a bender again.

My man is not relapsing, but is white-knuckling it. And I don't think he is in true recovery. Yes we do personalize the porn addiction. How does one not?

Thinking of you, Grace. Sending hugs...


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
katyb77
♀ Member
Member # 27527
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a sa for a fwh. I havent really posted on this thread but I do read it. I just happened to see somebody said that a sa must have no sex even with bs for 90 days. My safwh is doing recovery nation online course and seeing an ic but sex addiction is not really well dealt with in the uk and there are no csat's. I dont know what to do for the best. He says he is recovering and feels different but obviously he could be just saying what I want to hear. Our sex life is the same as its always been. I didnt know we shouldnt be having sex


me bs 35
him fwh 38
4 kids, together 20 married 18
dd 1 06/04/05 6month pa
dd 2 12/18/09 3month pa
reconciliation who knows

I used to believe in forever . . . but forever was too good to be true.
-- Winnie the Pooh


Posts: 180 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: London, England
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbxh is a SA. Unfortunately, he has other emotional issues which prevent him from fully accepting responsibility for his actions. I never saw the remorse, the efforts to help me with the situation, or the willingness to go to SA meetings or see a SA counselor. He even said, "I am not like those people. I am different". So, we are in the process of divorce, and he says it is my fault. I should have forgiven him, and all would be fine. So, whether or not the SA can live a life without relapse is entirely up to the addict. There is noting a spouse can do except offer support and protect themselves. Hypervigilance is one price we pay. Is it worth it???


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
Kjersti
♀ Member
Member # 23316
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just happened to see that somebody said a sa must have no sex even with bs for 90 days.

On behalf of me and my husband (who is SA), who have Been There, Done That: we (as individuals and as a couple) believe, from experience, that this can be, and probably, depending on the people and the couples involved is, total bullshit.

Not just as erroneous advice or badly mistaken "guidance," but rather as destructive misinformation that can be hugely harmful to the people involved and to the relationship they share, and may even prove fatal to some couples at they attempt to reconcile.

My husband and I are both Number One Physical Touch people. Although sex is only a part of "Physical Touch," for couples, it can be an enormous part--a part that nothing else can adequately substitute for. (And this would be true even for situations where one partner is deployed overseas, etc.)

Over fifteen years ago, when my husband and I went through this reconciliation/SA process (including SAA meetings, etc.), we were told this "no sex for 90 days" stuff and we followed it...and we have deeply regretted it ever since. With the objective perspective that fifteen years later provides, we both believe that this information was massively harmful to us as people, to us as a couple, and to our attempts to reconcile. In fact, given how incredibly harmful it was to us, we consider it a bloody miracle that we are together today.

We almost sunk, and it was THIS "no sex for 90 days" "advice"/"guidance" (a prohibition which included masturbation, too ) which was responsible.

Maybe for other couples, and maybe for at least some other SA's, this could be good advice, depending on their particular circumstances and who they are as individuals and as a couple. Maybe. I am willing to entertain the notion that at least for SOME other people, this prohibition MIGHT make sense IN THEIR OWN CIRCUMSTANCES and might not be destructive TO THEM and TO THEIR PARTICULAR RELATIONSHIP.

For us, it was a near disaster that extended in both time and in intensity the damage and the destruction we already had to deal with, and delayed healing for a very great deal beyond which was necessary for our reconcilliation and healing.

Looking back, I don't know how we made it through. Knowing each of us, how much we were both hurting back then, and how we interact as a couple with each other, I consider it a most unlikely miracle that we did.

Okay, my vent is over.

Just be damned careful you know what you're doing before you put this particular piece of "advice" into practice.

Because, for at least SOME people (like me and my husband), this "advice" can murder a relationship that otherwise could not only have been saved, but could have thrived forevermore.

[This message edited by Kjersti at 6:01 PM, May 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1829 | Registered: Mar 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, May 30th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the 90 day abstinence IS important. I did not understand it at first and found it hurtful to me as a BS, because I had been sex-starved for years. My H said that it was like going through a withdrawal for him. He had physical and psychological symptoms. He said that he needed it to clear his mind. We did not last the entire 90 days, but I do regret that. After we were intimate a couple of times, I discovered that he had slips, and then I wished I would not have been intimate with him.

I like physical touch, too (never have taken any of those love language tests), but physical touch doesn't have to be sex, and IMHO shouldn't be at first. SA's need to reprogram their brains to be intimate. Being intimate vs. having sex does not come naturally to them.

I think that all too often we as spouses of SA make the mistake of wanting to keep the SA happy. We are not responsible for whether or not they slip or relapse. Step 1, we are powerless over all this sh1t. I think the best thing a person new to this can do is to work on themselves. I am not perfect, by any means, but I am trying to work on my own recovery. Whether that is with him or without him is ok with me. I am in R with my H, but I would be ok with moving on by myself if he left recovery. In fact, sometimes I think he is far more committed to the idea of our marriage than I am at this point.

Right now, in our intimate lives, we are trying to rebuild. We are discussing what intimacy means. I don't want to feel like he is just using me instead of acting out by masturbating or acting out with others. I want to feel like it is something we share. As I said, I have spent years being deprived of sexual gratification, and sometimes I am resentful about that. These are tough issues to work through, and in my mind, they can be dealbreakers. I think that when we as spouses get to the point where we let go of our codependency and our perceived notions of control, we gain so much by turning the focus on US.

Hugs to my sisters struggling with this crap.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I can't believe I actually belong in 3 of these forums so far. How sad for so many of us. My WH has had a porn addiction since we met and it got continually worse over the years. He swears he had only one PA and we start counseling this week. He promised me he wouldn't look at porn ever again as part of our R. Four days ago I found porn on his computer. He says he started again about 3 months ago. It's almost been a year since D-day and now this.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
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