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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help Please!!!

Are there custody issues for a SA? My H is threatening a custody battle and is trying to use how he has made me emotional and "crazy" with the revelation and the "therapy" seem like I am an unfit parent. Does his behavior give any pause to a judge who would award custody? He has a HUGE Craigslist history posting and answering ads that goes back two years that I am aware of at this point. He has admitted to meeting and having unprotected sex with three women he met on CL but I suspect there is more. He posts for men, CD, TVs, couples, j/o buddy, panty hose play and for women. Is his self destructive dangerous behavior enough to keep him from having unsupervised visitation with two small children? I believe it is highly possible that he could bring someone into his home if they were there, or worse, leave them alone to go and meet someone for sex. All advice welcome and needed. I am in a bit of a panic, again. I hate my life so much right now.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 90 days abstainence is not someone's anecdotal advice of a online message board, it is part of the recovery program/protocol established by Dr.Patrick Carnes, the leading shrink in the SA recovery field.

It really is necessary for the SA to re-wire all the changes they've made to their brain through years of addiction.

You know, only 1/3 of SA's who enter a CSAT recovery program will still be in recovery and still be sober at the end of 5 years time. According to Carnes' study, the ones who made it were willing to do everything and anything they could to recover.

An abstainence period is one of those things.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3557 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do we absolutely have to do the 90 days abstinance? He's getting ready to deploy and that just doesn't seem fair to me, since I seem to have hit my peak.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
flowermom
♀ Member
Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, May 31st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

caregiver 9000 Please copy all of his postings, emails and activities you can. Keep a file with dates, and if you can names. If this is presented to the judge, you can bet your a** he won't get custody. I think he is playing games with you.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 2nd (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a STRONG believer in the 90 days.

The 90 days (and recovery in general!) is NOT about the couple or the relationship.

It is essential to the rewiring of the brain of the addict.
As with everything, do your research if you are skeptical. Read up on the scientific studies and evidence as to what SA does to the brain.

If the 90 days had somehow been a last straw for our marriage, so be it, if it helped my SAH recover fully and healthily.

I was very angry about the celibacy period, too.

I will be back when I don't have an audience (kids) to state how much it helped me through the process.

Again, I am full of gratitude for how much I was given from 7yrs. Where I am in a healthy manner I attribute directly to her. Her "advice" is golden.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am curious....does anyone have a WHSA that has ADD or ADHD....

His IC told him she believes he is ADD....I never gave it much thought but he fits the criteria to a T. He was never diagnosed with it as a child.

Our youngest son has ADHD and it's pretty severe...and I believe my daughter is ADD but have not confirmed that with a doctor...

I was reading about the odds of a SA also being ADD or ADHD and the statistics show a good portion of SA's are...


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have said since I have known my SO (6+ years) that he has ADHD. He's never had a prof diagnosis, however.

He is a workaholic. He can't stop ever. Even on his days off, he is going and going until bedtime. And even then, he often cannot sleep.

He has more clutter, more projects, more things to do than anyone could possible ever get done in a lifetime. He makes everyone exhausted just watching him.

And even though he refuses to seek help for SA and refused to even ADMIT that he is a SA, I have no doubt in my mind that is what he is.

When I first met him, I asked him why a handsome man like him is single. His answer: "Because I'm a central magnet in a universe of clutter."

I should have ran screaming for the hills.

[This message edited by Nouveau at 5:48 PM, June 8th (Tuesday)]


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
cocoabean
Member
Member # 76
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, June 8th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Renee,

H is ADHD (not diagnosed until after SA diagnosis). Both sons are ADHD.

CB


“There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats”
*Pablo Picasso*

"I am a goddess"
*Cocoabean*


Posts: 1637 | Registered: Jun 2002
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 9th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you ladies for responding....

WOW...so the SA and ADHD thing is common like my readings have suggested...

I should of realized a long time ago that WH was ADD but my focus was elsewhere...He is in the process of getting a referal so he can go see a neurologist. His IC has recommended he pursue it and get on the medication.

We too have a million projects started and very few finished. Our computer desk is a disaster from all his business paperwork, he looses his keys, wallet, phone...stuff like that all the time...is late most of the time...doesn't seem to understand the concept of time...not paying bills, forgetting appts, every vehicle that he has had was a disaster inside...I could go on and on...

The IC told him he must drive me nuts...and she is right...he has for 15 years...

I'm sorry that we have one more issue that we can relate to but glad to know that I have company....

Thanks again for the responses...


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 9th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am interested in the ADHD angle, but I wonder about the quick diagnoses.

From what I see and hear described, so much of the ADHD behavior is very similar to the shadow life, compartmentalizing of my SAH. How do these CSATs distinguish before recovery begins?

My SAH's memory has hugely improved. He used to say it worried him that his memory was so bad that he would end up with very very early Alzheimers. He is a very intelligent man, but he would not remember basic things about our day to day life, would not remember events or even a vague time period in which they happened.

Now it is completely changed. It has to be exhausting being an addict, keeping the lies of who they are straight every day. To feel their mind is confusing and out of control, then it would understandable that they try to do too much, in an effort to control their world.

I am not saying I don't agree. I am really fascinated by this subject and would love to know how to distinguish the two before recovery. The difference in my SAH is so significant from before.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, June 9th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our case because the ADD or ADHD actually runs in his immediate family, it's not a surprise.

In the case where it doesn't run in the family and you have seen improvement since he started seeing a CSAT, that might not be a case of ADD or ADHD...but then again I am not a shrink or MD...


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, June 13th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256949&HL=10198

tried to get to above post but keep getting re-routed to the list of forums?

What am I doing wrong?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone???

Trying to get to this rec'd post and am simply re-routed to forum. What can I do to get there?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256949&HL=10198

tried to get to above post but keep getting re-routed to the list of forums?

What am I doing wrong?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnbearablySad ----if it is just going to the general forums, that one may not be available anymore.

My WS SA was ADD/ADHD also. He never finished anything he started, went from one job/career to another, had dozens of unfinished projects he left me with here at the house, and generally just drove me crazy with his spur of the moment ideas that never got proved out.

Are there custody issues for a SA?
caregiver - one reason I ended up leaving my SA WS was because he would not get help, and I have children by another husband. There is no way I was going to give my children's father any ammo to use against me to get custody, and according to my sister and SIL's mom, a husband with SA that is acting out and bringing porn and unhealthy habits into the home would make it very easy for him to get custody away from me.

So if your WS is threatening you with custody, keep all records of his "habits," any hard paper trails you have, screen shots of computer sites/dating sites/profiles of his, dates, times, where you found what, etc....in a nice neat little notebook.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14917 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 17th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the ADHD one in our marriage. FWH is the 'normal' one. I find from personal experience that ADHD people can be impulsive but many of us are also sticklers for the law/rules. My ADHD son had a preschool teacher that called him a little lawyer, because there was absolutely no veering off of the schedule and everybody got exactly the same punishment for breaking rules, everyone was treated with the same fairness. And thats pretty much the way I feel. I made a promise/commitment to my FWH and I will keep to it, period. Hurting someone, physically or emotionally, is just plain wrong. I really have a hard time understanding how so many people can have affairs. I've read so many books and talked to so many people and the why's just don't add up.

[This message edited by AkKat22 at 9:45 PM, June 17th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
living4hope
♀ Member
Member # 27556
Frustrated  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 19th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Preparing for Disclosure!!!
I found out at my last IC meeting with our LCSAT that we will be meeting so that my H can share his complete disclosure with me next Friday. I am not sure how I survive this week or how I will survive anything being Friday! I can't imagine hearing all of the things I already know coming out of my Hs mouth! I don't want to talk to him, be near him and all I want to do is cry - AGAIN! I wish I never had children and I wish I didn't have to live this life! Any advice on how to survive this upcoming event would be greatly appreciated!


BS(Me) - 44
WH - 49...died 8/28/2011
DDay1 - 11/27/2009
Dday2 - 2/2/2010
Dday3 - 6/25/2010 - 3 PA - 1+ years each, 1 year EA
Married - 14 years
Children - boy 13, girl 10

Posts: 69 | Registered: Feb 2010
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WH is SA and possibly has depression (very obvious but he is having a hard time coming to terms with all this). And there in lies my issue.
WH actually confessed all PA's at our first MC. He and our CSAT are slowly working through the workbook Out of the Shadows. She wants him to join the men's SA group she has each week but he has so many trust issues that its very slow going.

I have my own issues with depression and co-dependency. We both have emotional abandonment by one or both parents and WH was verbally abused. The FOO is facinating to me because both of my grandfathers were SA's and his were alcholics. His Dad has had one or more PA's (don't know for sure). Anyway, for me everything is so clear. But WH has lived in denial for so long that his progress is moving very slowly.

As a BS, I am soooo frustrated. With a SAWS, all the focus has to go to their recovery first and the BS is left to heal themselves. And for some reason, my city does not have a COSA group or any other 12 step group or support for SA spouses.

And while I have been learning about SA and Co-dependency, I still am stuck in the phase of "he did this because he doesn't love or respect me" even though I have evidence of love. And he simply cannot understand how to work on our communication and intimacy issues. He really seems completely at a loss. Or is he just playing me (he is very good at deception and creating confusion).

Sorry, I just needed to vent!!! Trying to communicate with my WH is impossible at this time and as we all know, unless you are dealing with SA you have no clue what the hurting person is dealing with.

How on God's green earth do you deal with all of this without going insane? And how hard is it to start your own COSA group? I desparately want to talk face to face with other women like myself!!!!!


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 28th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wrong. I just found SA.org group in our city. Also, has anyone heard of Purity Project?
I have a text into our CSAT about what the recovery plan is for WH. I just need some reassurance that she is on the right path. Does that sound controlling? That's one of my issues, I'm a fixer/pleaser. I now officially sound like a crazy person.


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had an intuition for a long time that my WS is a sex/love addict. I really need information. Is there anyone here who knows a good deal about this issue who would be willing to spend some time on the phone with me? If so, please PM me.

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Bamboozled1
♀ Member
Member # 5764
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Godsgirl,

You stated in your post that it was all about your SA's recovery and treatment, and it's really not. I know at this point that it seems that way, but his recovery is up to him--he has to want it for himself. Your recovery which is just as important is up to you.

You said that you found an SA.org mtg in your area. Just to be clear--SA is for the sex addict. S-Anon is for the family members of the addict. You can go to SAnon.org and look for mtgs. If there are none in your area, they can put you in touch with a phone mtg, or someone to talk to who has been down this road. (And no, it's not hard to start a mtg--somebody has to do it, or there won't be mtgs).

Focus on yourself, and work at detaching lovingly from his issues--he has to work on them himself.


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