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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, June 30th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Bamboozled1,
All the different groups confuse me.
I'm having a hard time detaching. I'm having a hard time period. I'm trying to concentrate on my on healing. I'm just tired.
And I'm seriously thinking of just starting a group. Everything I've read has said that my own therapy and support group are a must.

Also, are their any good books that really help understand the mind and recovery process for the SA. I've read all the books recommended for me but I don't really understand SA past the general info. I feel very much in the dark about too many things these days.


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 6 years of reconciling after my husband had a PA, I recently discovered an EA that began in early June.

Today I found out that at the same time, he also signed up for accounts at about 5 different dating/cheating sites with 3 different secret-squirrel email accounts. I wish I could say I don't even recognize who this person is, but unfortunately it's repeat behavior from the last time he was in cheating mode.

BAD deja vu.

The porn never went away, however. It's always been there--sometimes more hidden than not. He doesn't just view porn...I believe he has a whole relationship with it. In fact, I'm starting to see that it may be the longest and only relationship he has ever been able to sustain.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I've always had a gut feeling that the porn and fantasy relationship stuff was an addiction for my husband. Over the years we have had some major blowouts about it. I tried to get this subject some attention when we were working in IC and MC--but he minimized and sidestepped the issue. The Counselors we were seeing didn't seem to treat it like a red flag either, so I came to the conclusion that I must be a prude or have no idea what was "normal".

What also seems weird is that when my husband goes into this acting-out mode (starts actually making contact with actual other women" he also seems to revert to some 20-year old rock & roller personality. It's like he got stuck at this age and never really progressed emotionally. I know that sounds weird, but that's what I see.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's something else really confusing me. I will try not to be too explicit, but my husband has diabetes, high BP, smokes and is overweight. This has caused severe ED. How does this jive with him marketing himself on cheating/dating sites. Isn't the goal of doing that to have sex? I don't even think that's possible--I don't care how much Viagra is involved.

You know, I have sometimes wondered if I would ever date again if I divorced this man. I have friends in their 40-50 who are dating through some of these personals sites. When I look at who my WS really is...and compare it to who he marketing himself to be and it convinces me I will never be something I'd be willing to try.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He doesn't just view porn...I believe he has a whole relationship with it. In fact, I'm starting to see that it may be the longest and only relationship he has ever been able to sustain.

WOW! :::shivers:::: This is my SO.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Godsgirl,
Definitely read Decieved by CLaudia Black and Mending a Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes. You may have already.

I found these explained some about the SA, but more on me. I really truly needed to hear what I read in those books at the time. It doesn't feel like it in the early days, but it is essential for any eventual outcomes to start getting some support and healing for yourself.

I remember thinking "I will be FINE once his crap is dealt with!" I couldn't think of a single issue I need to work on.

Once you have read those two books, I would recommend Don't Call it Love by Patrick Carnes. This one is less intense than Out of the Shadows and does in fact help explain the addiction and how it may manifest in different people. A lot of things IMO won't make sense to you (like the stages of recovery) until you actually experience it.


If all the different groups confuse you, you have something to do for YOU.
Sit down and make a little chart for comparisons. Get some input, take notes. THEN make a choice.

I felt better early on having some specific "goals" or tasks to do for me. I didn't really know how to take care of me so it took little steps.

Tal,

You have some advantages over me in the beginning. I had no clue whatsoever. It took me months even after finding out about at least 3 affairs or Inappropriate contact, to believe that my SAH was an addict. Hell, he didn't even like sex much, I thought.

You have hit the nail on the head with the comment about his long term relationship with porn. Most of these addictions started in the teens.
Sex addiction is at it's most simplified form, an intimacy disorder. They have no real ability to connect with other people.
That is something else I thought was way off base. Everyone loves my husband, he is funny, friendly, etc etc. Nope he was a big fat fake.

Your last comment is reason enough to get your self some help. Not because your life would be empty if you were single and never found another man. More because you should get to the heart of who you are so that you can trust you will 1. be fine even alone because you like being with you and 2. know whether a relationship is healthy and be aware of boundaries.

Oh and the "stuck in the mentality" statement; very accurate observation. They are generally "stunted" for lack of a better word at a certain emotional age or development. That is probably due to the early development of the addiction.

I swear my SAH still seems 15 at times, even after almost 2 yrs of recovery.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal,

Every SA has a different MO. For some it might be the actual sex act, and for some it might not actually involve physical sex.

From what I have read and discussed in counceling, the SA often seems to be stuck at a certain age. It's like the addiction slowed down mental maturity.

Try to find yourself a good support group.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, not long after the first affair/reconcilliation, one of our four sons became a drug addict. There is a long history of addiction in my family. I married my first husband when I was quite young and started to notice that (although he rarely drank) he became a Jekyl & Hyde when he did drink. Over the years, the drinking increased & I realized he was an alcoholic. The kids & I left & I divorced.

When I moved home, my first love & I renewed contact. He told me that he had become an alcoholic/addict and had been in recovery for 7 years. I guess I was very ignorant because I thought that somehow meant I'd never have to deal with drugs & alcohol with him. It actually WAS great and we had a good 5-6 years. Then he relapsed. He went to treatment (my personal bottom line) but got out and kept using. He died shortly thereafter.

For a long time, I chose to stay single, work on my education & career and NOT date. That was good enough for me until I ran into an old male friend that I'd known during my first marraige. Even though I already knew him, we dated and took things VERY slow for a year and a half. I didn't want to get blindsided.

The guy seemed so safe, normal, stable & kind & consistant. We decided to put a blended family together & give our kids a stable environment to grow up in.

"Safe guy" turned out to be my current WS! I still look back for signs of what I might have missed, but there really wasn't much to go on. SA doesn't stand out the way that drinking & drugging does. My WS is extremely secretive & compartmentalizes the behavior very well.

What I have learned is that when my intuition screams at me that something is very wrong--pay attention. My gut was right 6 years ago and my gut was right a month ago.

During the years that one of my sons was actively addicted, I became involved in a 12 Step group for friends & family of addicts. Yes, I do work a program to address my own issues--my particular bent on codependancy. I can even talk to my sponsor about all of this, because she has had similar issues with a SA partner. Outside of her, I don't feel ok discussing this with the rest of my fellowship.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 1st (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this not a good place to vent/ask questions/get support? If not--does anyone have any suggestions?

Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal,
I think this is the perfect place to vent and ask questions and get support.
It does get quiet around here sometimes.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 2nd (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what freaks me out the most right now is that my husband risked our safety with his acting out. He became overly intimate with someone he really didn't know. He had intimate conversations about me and our life with someone who turned out to be a psycho.

Now I'm having to try to tease apart what she knows about me based on the statements she is making & my husband is making--when I know both of them are liars.

Just what I needed--having to worry about a middle-aged Amy Fisher showing up at our door because she thinks me and my grand-daughter are what is standing in the way of her goal! Not to mention the dealing with the realization that my husband has been leading a double life as Joey Buttafuco....

I recently discovered that it was more than just this EA. At about the same time, he signed up for various dating/casual sex hookup sites. I saw him describe himself in his profiles, as well as what he was looking for. YUCK! I guess I can count myself lucky that there aren't more psycho OW's in my life at the moment based on that alone.

I honestly think that he get buzzed on the control/manipulation of having all of this secret sqirrel activity. Does that make any sense? Like he has been tallying up "wrongs" I have done him & gets revenge by acting out with the sex addiction. It all seems so passive/agressive & somehow puts me in the role of being "controlling mommy". I didn't consent to that role, but I can see now how I've been feeding into it.

Dang--I feel like I've taken a bullet of reality to the brain & I'm trying to process it all.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal,
Sorry this thread is so quiet...Some of us have ended up over at the Separation/Divorce thread on S.I.

p.m. if you need to talk...I know this stuff is really a living nightmare.


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things around here seem rather surreal at the moment. I have had several conversations with spouses & ex spouses of SA recently. If there was even a shadow of a doubt in my mind before, there isn't any longer.

My bottom line was that he begin attending meetings--find a sponsor who he would tell everything to and be accountable to--because I do not consent to play the controlling mommy parent-wife.

He agreed to this & also made a committment to stop lying.

These were basic, bottom line things...not making any promises that I would even want to try to reconcile...just basics. I don't want to make any decisions right now. I know I am not rational right now.

Looking at my husband sleeping & wanting to punch him isn't rational. Seeing his computer and cell phone as the crack pipes of his addiction--wanting to throw them in the driveway & run over them repeatedly isn't rational. Beating myself up for letting my husband & counselors evade this addiction issue when I kept bringing it up--that's not rational.

After the big D-Day 6 years ago, I went nuts. I was on a huge emotional rollercoaster and did a lot of things I later felt bad about. This time, I mostly feel numb and hopeless. I honestly don't want to be around my H right now and would like to ask him to leave. I may even have to just up and leave for awhile myself.

Sooooo many jigsaw pieces are fitting together in my head and snapping into place.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, July 4th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i dont know what to say. when i registered a few eyars ago, 7 said my ws was an SA but he did not seem to fit....

in the past two months I've learned:

Within three days of retrovaille catholic marriage encounter / heal from affair weekend and us beginning marital therapy, he wrote a check for 625 to a friend - for rent. this has continued to present time 18 months). he has a secret credit card, cashed out a retirement account, secret direct deposit bank account, has some how managed to hide 20 k of his annual salary for 6 years, withdrew 1500 cash from the secret account in may, has been withdrawing about 700-1`500 a month cash from "our" account... having banned drinking lunches with same guys who encouraged his affair after one year of marriage....has a secret trac phone, bought two - assume other is for "an" op (who knows how many there are), has been in bars drinking when he told me he was at the hospital/ rehab center with his mother (days every week), found porn in his office again.... receipts for dinners out (ex: 171 dollars in a city where 75 buys a NICE dinner for two), am sure I am leaving things out, this is all so unbelievable... and I have been SLAVING at an "at home" business for the last 5 1/2 years since I lost my job, just in order to pay "my" kids' bills.... and he has been dropping apparently 30 to 40 K on what???? apparently has a hidden facebook page (how many of him can there be by name with no photos on facebook? found out name of an op... she works four floors up...

So my WHOLE entire life with him has been a lie??? the entire thing??

a year of marriage counseling, taking him back after asking him to leave, etc etc etc? And my 'reward" is scrubbing his toilets and feeling guilty for being 30 pounds overweight (which I have been in the process of nicely losing for 6 months).... read a four year old letter from his ex to him (32 marriage) about how they NEVER had sex and she'd asked him for years, and a bunch of other stuff that basically put the lie to EVERYTHING he told me about their marriage....

how the F could I not see this???

and.... what now?? no CSATS anywhere near us....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is this (my above post) typical for SA? He is hiding 20 k annual income, probably more, he has secret phone, credit card, bank account, cashed out one of our retirement accounts, has been paying 625 a month (almost the entire amount of our mortgage - which ***I*** pay and the **I** person here lost her job 5 years ago and had to start a home business to pay HERs and HER DC's bills.... all the while he has been ROLLING in it....),porn, jerking off at work, multiple affairs (probably hookers??), etc etc etc.

Will I ever get past this? Is there ANY hope at all (let me say here I - we - are not fans of teh 12 step model, however, there was another site referenced here that I have started to go through a spouse of SA healing process on and it is very good for me, and IF i confront and IF he accepted to challenge himsled to heal, the format would be appealing to him...

this is WORSE than the three affairs in four years of marriage....

To learn he has lied about EVERYTHING for the 10 years I have known him, and even for the 32 years of his first M.

Can I ever ever trust him? Is healing possible for me - for him ? Can he EVER have a loving healthy sexuality with me? Or am I doomed to my second sexless M if I stay and he "quits" being a pervert?

Should I post in General instead of here?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, July 5th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my experience, the lying & secret keeping is almost ALWAYS part of the addiction. There's an old joke that you can tell an active addict is lying because their lips are moving.

Also, in my experience, there seems to almost be an addiction TO the secrecy in sex addiction...like having secrets gives a sense of power & control.

Obviously there IS hope because there are a lot of meetings all over the country for sex addiction & for their partners too. SOMEBODY is going to them. When, how, and IF an addict finds recovery is not predictable, though.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
forever.haunted
♀ Member
Member # 28645
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since dday 8 months ago, my fwh has completed a 12 week sex addicts treatment, continues to go to SA meetings, counseling, takes his meds religiously, etc

He has/is doing everything possible to change himself and save our M. He is horribly ashamed of his behavior and loathes himself for the massive damage he has done to his life.

I'm proud of him for keeping his word to me, that he would continue to work on himself. He realizes now that his addiction to attention/sex has led him to a low bottom. Everyone has lost respect for him, which hurts him deeply.

The scary thing is he had me completely fooled. He was an oscar-winning actor that hid his lusting, A, etc very well. Me and all the family were maddenly shocked when we realized how badly he had us fooled. People don't enjoy being played a fool.

His behavior has cost him so much, but he had to hit this low of a bottom to wake up and face himself and his issues.

As long as he continues to go to his meetings, and work on our M, I feel pretty safe staying with him. However at times I feel ashamed and shocked that I am still with him.


I would have left if he had not done all the hard work on himself. He is so different now. It's amazing.



You let it go when you are ready.. when you have processed it enough.. you let it go when you are sick of trying to figure it out. You let it go when you want your life back

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2010
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal,

I honestly think that he get buzzed on the control/manipulation of having all of this secret sqirrel activity. Does that make any sense? Like he has been tallying up "wrongs" I have done him & gets revenge by acting out with the sex addiction. It all seems so passive/agressive & somehow puts me in the role of being "controlling mommy". I didn't consent to that role, but I can see now how I've been feeding into it.

Also, in my experience, there seems to almost be an addiction TO the secrecy in sex addiction...like having secrets gives a sense of power & control.

You are very insightful ... your posts really resonate with me. I am sorry you are suffering.

My H and I are a year into recovery after dealing with his PA and porn addiction. After 20 years together, I finally forced him to be honest about the root of his SA, CSAb. We have since been able to understand and address his need to control and manipulate me (and others).

I can honestly say that I am happy and content with my decision to R. I still watch for signs of relapse, and know if/when it happens I will take the steps I need to protect myself from him. This gives me great comfort and makes me feel empowered. I have learned a bit about codependency as well.

I think this is the only realistic approach to R with an addict; to be aware of and to protect yourself from their manipulation if/when necessary.




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for posting. I was talking tonight to my bet friend in RL and told her that the worst part of this is after "accepting" and working on (I thot), and trying to heal from the AFFAIRS, to learn that they were "the least of it." The complete lying - even about recovery, what he is /was doing.... it's beyond belief. Can't even name the devastation....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AAAARRRRGGGGG!!!!

Freaking GRANNY porn????

I went to my first Co-SA meeting tonight. I am not a stranger to -anon meetings, so I know how much work I am going to have to do to get healthy in that program. I was just as much a newbie as you can get at that meeting.
They knew--and put a box of kleenex in front of me.

Some (very) small part of me hoped I would see my WS's car in the parking lot when I pulled in. Maybe he actually followed through with what he committed to do--ya know? What the heck was I thinking???


They read from thier literature and it spoke right to the core of what I've been experiencing...so I did need that box of kleenex.

When I got home, my WS was already asleep. A hard day at work??? I checked computer activity. He had been up in the middle of the night with his porn people. There are too many people in this marraige: me, my WS and a multitude of porn people with dead eyes.

I guess that like any addiction, it has to escalate over time. The porn my WS is viewing is getting weirder. He was actually watching GRANNY porn!!!

I must have led a sheltered life. I didn't even know there was such a thing as granny porn. The sheer ridiculousness and absurdity of it hit me. There I was checking up on my WS's porn activity to see if his actions were matching his words. I was sitting there watching blow-by-blow (literally) of elderly women engaged in porn. The fact that THIS is the status of my life right now was almost too much to comprehend.

I know that I will have to make a decision. The other people in Co-SA encouraged me not to be rash or reactive in a way that will hurt my own life. I don't know that I have the acting skills to carry on as though everything is peachy right now. It's not peachy.

I know that at some point, I will come to the conclusion that I will need to stop monitoring my WS's activities. It's not healthy and it's easy to get obsessed with. For right now, however, it is helping me to stay out of denial. I almost miss denial a bit right now. A part of me wishes I didn't know what I now know. I wish I didn't know that there is even such a thing as Granny porn.


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