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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 4
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal, I understand. More than I wish I did. These horrible fetishes are so hard for us to understand, aren't they? My SO is into something called "SSBBW"... which I didn't know existed before. His porn of choice has been 400lb (and up) women. He is a small man in good physical shape and has always worked hard to be fit.

He has hundreds (maybe thousands) of legit discs throughout my house (being a movie buff that he is) and I still keep finding another one of his secret fat porn discs (with some innocuous label) stuck in with all the others. This is making me crazy being the porn police and I hate it. Yet I loathe the thought of this filth in my house.

At what point does it all end and I have a normal life again? Normal? What's that?

Their choices of porn just goes to show that it is not ever about the body image of the BS. Since discovery, I have spent even more time on my appearance and staying trim. Not for him... (because I'm probably not the body image that he prefers.. thank God!) ... but for me. If a huge woman is what he needs, he can go find her, because I will not become her to fill his fetish.

Nobody should feel they are not good enough. We are more than good enough... too good, IMHO.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
Tal
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Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have the feeling that I'm not good enough. Not at all. This addiction very clearly has nothing to do with me, although I have definately been playing a part. The addiction was there before me and--if it continues--he will end up a lonely old man with a multitude of failed relationships behind him--hunched over a laptop full of porn--livin' in a van down by the river.

I think it's easy for my WS to be in denial because it's easy to blame the issue on me. I don't want to be physically intimate with him for about 5 different reasons. I don't want to be emotionally intimate with him because I don't feel safe. All of my reasons have to do with the SA, infidelity & the lying.

My not wanting to be intimate lets him feel like he's excused to do whatever.

Round and round and round we go. I see no solution possible if he's not willing to face the addiction head on and want help. I believe that in his mind, all he really needs is a different woman (or women).

I'm learning just how insideous this disease is. If my husband were a drug addict or alcoholic--so many other factors would conspire to shine a light of reality on the situation: arrests, DUI's, friends ODing and going to prison for the same activities. It isn't as easy to write it all off as being all your spouse's fault.

No--I don't feel this has anything to do with me not being good enough. I am by no means perfect--but I'm willing to learn & grow and work on myself. My WS isn't.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
copingwithdoubts
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Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 6th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, well put Tal. You are on the right track ... don't lose sight of the reality!
It is his addiction ... you get to choose whether or not you want it in your life.

Personally, if my H wasn't so anxious to get better for himself and was only trying to appease me, I wouldn't be in R with him. If your H is not willing to get help for himself, you will only have more of the same behavior.

Only by having my H face his demons were we finally able to get where we are today ... I refuse to let him manipulate the truth with me.




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ordered some Co-SA literature as well as Mending a Shattered Heart. This marraige isn't looking like there is going to be anything to salvage as my WS isn't even attempting to look into getting help. He states he doesn't think he is an addict--he just does these things because he feels "ignored and unimportant" (translation: he has an endless vaccuum of need and I am not constantly validating him).

"Really?", I say "try telling your spouse for 15 years that their relationship with porn is a serious problem in the marraige--only to be dismissed or lied to about it--that can definatly give a message that you are ignored and unimportant. Try having to deal with repeat preformances of infidelity--and see how important, loved & cherished that makes you feel".

I told him last night that I think I may have to evict him from his "office" in the house so I can try to get a border to help with the mortgage payments. He looked shocked. "yep, I say--it feels like it's time to shut down your pornatorium".

I'm having a really hard time right now. I'vebeen looking for work for 6 weeks and haven't even gotten a call for an interview. I've been interning at a law office to brush up on skills in certain areas, and the attorney there had made statements about transitioning me to full-time employment. Now she's backtracking on both full-time and the wage range we had discussed.

I need to get financially situated so I can make choices that don't involve my WS in the equation.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
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Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH, anyway???

He can freely say that he's a liar and a cheater, and has behaved like a real asshat. He can't say it's because he's an addict. Apparently, it's easier to admit that he's just a major SOB.

I don't get it.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ARRRRGGGGHHHH!

I still feel the need to snoop right now. I know that isn't where I want to be in the long-haul, but for now it tells me:

1. who this man really is and what he's capable of
2. whether or not he is still still conducting these activities

I need to stay angry enough to be motivated & don't want to get complacent or slip into numb denial right now.

I just checked one of his secret squirrel email accounts & accessed the cheater websites he had signed up for.

UGGHH. I look at the profile he created & it makes me sick. Can anyone even attempt to explain a few things to me???

First of all: my WS has ED. Seriously--even with Viagra, not much is happening. How the heck was he going to hook up with these people and not deal with THAT issue?

Secondly, who the heck are these women on Adult Friend Finders & Amatur Match? The messages appear to be from women in my local (rural) area who are pushing for a meet-up. Their pictures look like they are hot babes and they are trying to hook-up with a total stranger (who doesn't even post a photo). This doesn't seem like reality to me. Are these people even remotely real? Are they hookers?
Does anyone have any experience in this area?


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
copingwithdoubts
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Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO they are either hookers or as sick as he is ... probably both!

I am sorry you are dealing with this ... I know how confusing it is. My H floundered around for a year after his PA ended before I finally got him to be honest about it, and that was only after I caught him red handed planning a hook up with some stranger from CL!

It is a surreal experience and of course you are compelled to check up on him. I still look at the email account my H used to supply his habit. It keeps me grounded in reality ... my H is a really great guy and it is very easy for me to slip back into my complacent codependent behaviors.

You can't make him get better by yourself, but you could try to find out what issue he is self medicating over ... exposure of my H's abuse was the real catalyst for his recovery. (((Tal)))




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
flowermom
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Member # 23950
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal- This is such a sad club to be a part of. I have mostly moved to the divorce threads, because that is where the road took me. My D will be final Sept 1. I had had enough of the lying, manipulation, blaming and sneaking. I refuse to be a mommy policeman or an emotional punching bag. When he started in with the teen porn, that was it. I refuse to live the rest of my life unhappy and always on the watch for more deviant behavior. Its a tough call to make, but I chose future happiness over short term comfort.


Me-BS WHSA, 3 wonderful kids, all grown.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2009 | From: South
ScribblingMum
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Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t.,
so sorry...and yes, it escalates...:( Perhaps a separation for now would be a good idea. Can you go to a family member's home, etc.?


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
Tal
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Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flowermom: I think that I would make the same choice immediately if I were being used as an emotional punching bag too.

Aside from being a bit of an emotionally clueless man, my husband isn't ever outright mean to me. Under normal circumstances, we are pretty respectful with each other--I know that sounds weird in the context of what is going on.

Right now, if anyone is likely to be punching, it's me. I'm holding back from doing anything I will regret...or have to make amends for later. Venting here is helping me channel it SOMEWHERE with all of my venting.

So tonight I ran up to the local casino to buy a pack of cigs. My husband was there--also stopped for ciggarettes as he does everyday after work.

He looked a bit surprised to see me. As we were leaving, I asked him if it occurred to him that he would run into his middle-aged Amy Fisher.

"I hadn't even thought about it", he said. Complete deadpan. No emotional at all.

OK--I truly don't get it. She comes down to the casino semi-regularly from Canada. If he goes there every night, he's going to run into her sooner or later and she's been BIG drama so I'm sure she'll make a scene.

But...he says he hasn't even thought about that. What the heck??? It's like he's emotionally retarded or something. Or maybe he's just THAT shut down and disconnected.

Even though that woman was clearly delusional and mentally unstable, she was obviously very hurt by my husband's actions in encouraging her. Yet---he clearly feel nothing about how he hurt her. My pain seems to have the same effect--just a blip on his radar right now.

[This message edited by Tal at 1:09 AM, July 8th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
UnbearablySadd
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Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal, from the reading i've been doing, part of the SA personality is focus only on themselves. Most do not have any idea about other people having feelings. SA behavior is using sex/ people as medication to alleviate "their" anxiety. Ergo, other people are not actually people with feelings. My SA WH is the same. I once asked how he thot X person felt about an issue. He said he had no idea, I pressed and he said quite frankly and unconcernedly, that he NEVER thought about other people's feelings. Scary.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
too trusting BW
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Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tal, that is funny, the phrase "emotionally retarded" is one used (not therapeutically) in our spouses support group.

It really is true, although there is a deeper more technical term, I'm sure.

My SAH still struggles to understand what empathy is, and then is clueless sometimes as what to then do with it.

Empathy is something that a lot of SAs are unable to feel. When a person has spent their whole life trying NOT to feel their own stuff, the extra insight needed to feel someone else's stuff? Just not possible.

I was pretty shocked by the realization my SAH had little ability to feel empathy. He always faked it pretty good. It just never "stuck," so it never impacted his behavior, if that makes sense.

He may say never thought about this person being there, but the ritual of being in the place is consciously or subconsciously recreating the acting out.

His main focus is the acting out, the sex, the fantasy, the "what if." You and any OW are just as you say, nothing more than a blip.

What a sad existence.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1300 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, July 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, so that is not unusual, huh? Actually, before my WS became depressed & went into (what I call Phase II acting out mode--beyond porn & involving real people) I think most people would have described him as having a strong empathetic streak. He'd have to--he's a nurse--or at least he was until he blew himself out of the water by jeapordizing his license last fall.

I don't know how much of this deadness & disconnect with his own feelings & the feelings of others is depression & how much is SA. The "Phase II" acting out seems to occur when he's depressed. When I confronted him on D-day, I recall yelling at him to "go get anti-depressant meds like a normal person"! Not particularly empathetic of ME, I know--but geez!

I think that D-day shook him out of fantasy land quite a bit--but not entirely. In a weird way--I think he was almost hoping to get caught, like he was depending on my intuition to kick in and save him from himself before he went over the edge.

I got laid off at the end of May. He still hadn't found anything more than min. wage temp jobs. He met the EA OW in the first week of June. On June 15th, he signed up for all of these secret email accounts & cheater sites. By the end of June he and OW were in full-blown fantasy land. I see a pattern here--although I'm not entirely sure I understand it all yet.

Things feel like they are in hover mode right now. WS is trying to be present--to the extent that he can. He's trying to be considerate to me in various ways. He can't or won't talk about any of this stuff--but he will listen to me & then say stuff like "why do you even keep me around?" or "I don't know if this can be fixed. I may have done too much damage".

Sigh.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
1Forward1Back
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Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all: my WS has ED. Seriously--even with Viagra, not much is happening. How the heck was he going to hook up with these people and not deal with THAT issue?

Tal, this has been an issue in our situation as well. My H did hook up with three women, two one night stands and one 4 month affair. In order to perform, he would double dose; a long acting one, followed by a shorter acting ED med.

There is also the newness factor. The whole idea of having a new sexual experience goes a long way to help obtain and maintain an erection. My H told me that it did not take long for the novelty to wear off with the last OW and he experienced problems even with the double dosing.

ED can be physical and/or psychological. If a man still gets morning erections, chances are the problem is psychological. In my H's case, the compulsive masturbation that goes along with the porn viewing is one of the main causes of his ED, IMHO. He's older now, with medical conditions, so there is likely physical reasons too. If the ED is primarily psychological, you can imagine it might not be a problem when he is in the sack with 'strange stuff', yeah?


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, July 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's definately physical--diabetes & high blood pressure & more.

I know it probably sounds horrible, but at the moment the financial issues are going to have to take the highest priority. My WS needs to find a job that pays more than min. wage ASAP. He had to voluntarily allow repossession of his vehicle yesterday. Hopefully we can find a POS car that will hold up for awhile.

I have to find a job and get off of unemployment.

I am definately pissed that my husband stumbled under the stress and started acting out big time. Being confronted seemed to snap him back into the (difficult) reality. He is now double-timing it to find better employment.

Frankly, if I had the freedom to do so, I would probably divorce right now. Survival is going to have to come first. Maslow's hierarchy of needs says it's more important to have food, water & shelter than it is to have a happy marraige.

I hate that reality, but it is what it is.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
UnbearablySadd
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Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, July 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a weird way--I think he was almost hoping to get caught, like he was depending on my intuition to kick in and save him from himself before he went over the edge.

Agreed - seems that they are desperate to get caught. OR they are so convinced they are invincible, they have no concept they "can" get caught. Example: My SA WH took me TO the location he is renting an apt at (he ha no idea I know), in order to have his employee / landlord show us the landscaped gardening.... talk about "hutzpah!"


... an issue in our situation as well. My H did hook up ... In order to perform, he would double dose; a long acting one, followed by a shorter acting ED med.

....the newness factor. The whole idea of having a new sexual experience goes a long way to help obtain and maintain an erection.

1000% agree with above. Fairly certain it is only with ED meds + novelty + naughtiness that SA WH can "perform."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
PixieDust
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Member # 21842
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, July 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Living4Hope,

Just read your post about Disclosure coming and hope it went well. Our CSAT implied that our disclosure will be sooner rather than later. She wants me to have a COSA sponsor and to start a recovery group at her office so that I will have support.

Just knowing its soon but not really knowing when is causing me some anxiety. I keep thinking that I should get on some kind of anti-anxiety meds until this is all over...Im really scared about Disclosure...but I more scared really that he will lie to me again. Nothing he could have done would be worse than him lieing about it.

HUGS to you Living4. I hope you are ok.

PixieDust


Me(38): FWW/BW
Him(33): FBH/WH
Married: 6 years
DD(2), DS (8mo)DS in heaven
Status: Learning a bunch of new letters: SA, SAA, CSAT and COSA. How fun.

Posts: 150 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, July 10th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Living in limbo here. My IC's wife died and he's canceled all appts until further notice. I cannot find one COSA group in my state. I have tried repeatedly with a couple of SA support websites and not gotten any response. Living like this sucks.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 13th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, surprises do happen. My WS actually went to an SAA meeting.

"Why are you going if you don't think you have an addiction problem?" I asked.

"Because you said it was your bottom line and I am trying to satisfy you to keep the peace", he said.

Whatever...he went. I talked to one of the other wives after the COSA meeting. She said it was her bottom line too, and that her husband went to meetings for 2 freaking years before he was willing to admit he had an addiction.

Anyway, my WS came out of the meeting upbeat with a couple of books in his hands. He told the guys in the group, "see you next week".

I know this is all small stuff and nothing to get worked up over in the big picture of addiction. Still...it's been probably 10 years since I first had the notion "I think my husband has a sex-related addiction". I never thought I'd see the day my H would walk into a meeting. Just for right now, I'm going to allow myself to have some
hope.


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 14th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great news, Tal! these are not small things at all - big movement!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
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