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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS"s III
stuck808
♂ New Member
Member # 24976
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, October 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All that stuff about the kids were said in a fit of anger. But it squashed her R with her boss pretty quick. He is married too after all.

I guess the thing is that it is so different from how she was/is. Like right now I see a person who is just plain depressed. I've told her she can leave if I make her feel depressed or she wants out, but she hasn't really done anything.

I think she's literally lost in a fog where she feels trapped, but doesn't know what to do and can't come to grips with her own feelings. She's a natural introvert and doesn't really express herself very well.

So it's not like I've been "holding on to her" and begging for her to stay. In fact, sometimes I think it's easier if she did leave.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2009
oja825
Member
Member # 17449
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, October 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I can tell you I never hated my husband, at least not due to his reaction to my affair. My situation was maybe a little different as I am in a sexless marriage, and all along I really just wanted my husband to want me. So I never stopped wanting him.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Dec 2007
mkd5874
♀ Member
Member # 25009
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question:

My WH had a 6-month-long EA that was primarily conducted over the phone, via text, and through email. In July the OW flew out here to "be with" WH in the biblical sense while I was away for the month with my 3 kids. This is when it became PA.

My WH tells me that he tried to tell her not to come, but she threatened to call me- she actually did call me-and WH smoothed it over.

So, she did end up coming and they did have sex. My WH tells me that there was no connection, that it was awkward, that he wasn't attracted to her, and that he felt obligated since she had come all this way. In short, he says it was bad sex. He did, however have sex with her "more than 3 but less than 5 times".
My question is this; why would he go back for more if it was so bad? Is he lying to me? Trying to minimize the damage?
Just wondering if anyone could relate. I am trying to understand.

[This message edited by mkd5874 at 3:11 PM, October 10th (Saturday)]


Me: BW, 35
Him: WH, 36
3 kids
DDay: 8.31.09
Forget about your house of cards- Radiohead


Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: LA
oja825
Member
Member # 17449
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People act differently in bed than they do when going about everyday real life. It is possible he didn't feel a deep connection to her but had sex with her anyway. I don't understand the "more than 3 but less than 5" .... isn't that precisely 4?

Posts: 101 | Registered: Dec 2007
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, October 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deleted..duplicate post

[This message edited by MissesJai at 11:36 AM, October 12th (Monday)]


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, October 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stuck808 ~
you're welcome.....

So what would be a 180? I've already stood up to her. Treat her nicely, etc. and told her I will not share her with another man
.

to be honest, that's not the 180...here is the link from the healing library that explains what the 180 is:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
in short, the 180 is a strategy to help you function through this nightmare. it's about doing what you need to do for YOUR own mental and physical well being. additionally, it shows the WS that your life does NOT revolve around them. i know if was acting like your WW and my BH did the 180 to me, i'd snap out if it and quick...but that's just me...

I haven't been the one to initiate the D though. That's what she's been pushing for, but has made no real moves to do it herself even though she keeps saying she wants one cause we're over.

call her bluff. if that's what she's pushing for, then hey, she should be elated. she's made no moves cuz she's bullshitting you. if she REALLY wanted D, you would have had those papers in your hands by now. one of two things can come from your initiating D - she's either going to snap out of it and come to the realization that this is REAL, or she's going to continue what she's doing. it's up to you....


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
mkd5874
♀ Member
Member # 25009
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, oja.

the reason why i said more than 3 but less than 5 is because that is what my WH said when i asked him how many times he had slept with OW. he couldn't remember, so he came up with THAT as an answer.

you're right- precisely 4x.


Me: BW, 35
Him: WH, 36
3 kids
DDay: 8.31.09
Forget about your house of cards- Radiohead


Posts: 179 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: LA
willthiseverend
♀ Member
Member # 25107
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, October 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A question for WS:

Is it common for WS not to want to talk things through? My WH seems to think that doing things around the house is enough to show that he is here for good

He runs scared from any discussion. I have still not seen any real emotion. He says he feels it but I don't see it.

Why can't they see that words and obvious remorse are much more resassuring than a willingness to clean the kitchen?


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.


Posts: 454 | Registered: Aug 2009
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, October 12th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it common for WS not to want to talk things through? He runs scared from any discussion. I have still not seen any real emotion.

yep. us Waywards love to run and hide and make excuses as opposed to facing up to what we've done. we want it to "go away" ASAP and avoid discussion because talking about it would require us to own it at some point, and in the case of your WH, he's absolutely refusing to truly own his shit....

He says he feels it but I don't see it.

how convenient for him...remind him you're not a mind reader....

Why can't they see that words and obvious remorse are much more resassuring than a willingness to clean the kitchen

because for him, it's easier to clean the kitchen than it is to hold himself accountable for the pain he's caused. that's his way of trying to "fix it". sit him down and tell him what you need and the consequences of his unwillingness to give you what you need...


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I want to thank all of you WS's that take the time to help both WS's and BS's out. I know it can't be easy.
My question is; My WW and I are trying to R. In several of the books we've read they've stated that true healing can't begin until the WS feels the pain of the BS. Though there is no way to predict when or if it will happen I wondered if any of you A: Felt this pain; and B: How long did it take for you to come to this realization?

Thanks in advance
jollum


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
143ANF
♀ Member
Member # 22730
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you former waywards for answering our questions.

My question is about standards. I'm trying to determine if this is a Wayward thing or if it is related to his bipolar or something else. It was not like this pre-A. Also, I am 11 months from the big D-Day and to the best of my knowledge, NC has been in place for about 3 weeks now.

My WH holds me to very high standards, bordering on perfection. In his quest for my perfection, he prefers that I show no attitude other than my normal happy-go-lucky, that I don't show or express any anger, and that I should be over his 10 year sporadic LTA already. I am also expected to be ready for sex in a moment's notice, to drop anything that I may have going on to pay attention to him and only him. I've been told that it seems that he expects me to be a "Stepford Wife".

He on the other hand, is allowed to be moody, is allowed to express any emotion that he may be feeling, and allows himself to obsess over any "infraction" of mine for hours, days, weeks, months, and even years. He thinks that it is ok for him to give me the "silent treatment" when I stray from his mold.

Why the different standards? Why am I expected to be perfect while he allows himself to be a total and complete ass? Is this some sort of control issue where he doesn't feel in control of himself so he wants to control me?

Thanks for your thoughts on this


I've gotten off the crazy train and I'm loving living life.

Liberation day: May 20, 2010
R began: November 20, 2011
He blew it up: Feb 6, 2014


Posts: 1407 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Florida
willthiseverend
♀ Member
Member # 25107
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

many thanks, misses Jai!

Do they ever really own their shit?


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.


Posts: 454 | Registered: Aug 2009
imscared_k
♀ Member
Member # 14061
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In several of the books we've read they've stated that true healing can't begin until the WS feels the pain of the BS. Though there is no way to predict when or if it will happen I wondered if any of you A: Felt this pain; and B: How long did it take for you to come to this realization?

I don't think waywards can really feel the pain of a BS. I am hurt by my A, but I was the source of my pain. My BH is also hurt, but his is my blindsiding him with my betrayal. I don't think I could ever feel the same pain as a BS without being a BS. There's no guarantees that you WW will get to the point of relization over what she has done. But since you say you are both reading books on this, I'm going to assume that she committed to R. Every WS fog lifts at different times, sometimes it's before d day and sometimes it's several months after d day. It depends how much she is truly committed to R and repairing the marriage.

Why the different standards? Why am I expected to be perfect while he allows himself to be a total and complete ass? Is this some sort of control issue where he doesn't feel in control of himself so he wants to control me?

I don't think it's standards I think it's selfishness and apathy. I'm so guilty of this. When I first "committed" to R I rattled off a list of things I needed for my BH to change about himself so that he could repair our marriage. I was stuck in the selfish mode of the A, and luckily my husband didn't throw me out of window. Rather he firmly pointed out that I had the A, he didn't, and that I needed to change things so he could live with me not the other way around. He is trying to deflect to you rather than looking at himself and his actions.


Posts: 1059 | Registered: Mar 2007
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

many thanks, misses Jai!

you're welcome....

Do they ever really own their shit?

ideally, yes, but not all do, unfortunately.


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
the fsc
♂ Member
Member # 23028
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

143ANF,

No...its not just a wayward thing. Mr. ANF seems like an EXTREMELY controling individual. He needs to turn the controls off and start kissing some serious butt.


WH - (45) Me
BS - (44) Her (Redrock)

D Day 3/23/2008
Easter


Posts: 165 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Michigan
1DLW
♀ Member
Member # 21971
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum,

.
In several of the books we've read they've stated that true healing can't begin until the WS feels the pain of the BS. Though there is no way to predict when or if it will happen I wondered if any of you A: Felt this pain; and B: How long did it take for you to come to this realization?

No, we can never really "feel" the pain of the BS, like we can't feel the pain of someone who lost a child, or another devastating tragedy that we ourselves have not been through.
BUT, we can have empathy, we can SEE the pain. We can try to understand it.
For me, the book How Can I Forgive You really helped. It suggested writing a formal apology, detailing how your BS has been affected, what has been lost, etc.
Basically not just saying "I'm sorry I hurt you" but explaining HOW it hurt him, the lasting effects, and apologizing for all of it.
I think this really is as close as we can get to feeling your pain.


WS 42

Posts: 483 | Registered: Dec 2008
cantbreathe09
♂ Member
Member # 24600
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all FWS's, my WW came back into our marriage still fighting the chance to call and see OM... she lost the fight and slept with OM again. False R. My question is have any of you done this, but then realized that the affair was just a drug? And if your BS found out, how did they help you overcome this addiction, when you felt there was no way you could do it yourself? My WW refuses IC and MC, due to a long long history of IC, and she just won't go.


Cry now...smile later.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Holloman AFB, NM
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

143ANF, it's not much help, but it's interesting you used the term Stepford Wife. For a long time, I too, felt that fWH was expecting me to be a Stepford Wife while he lived exactly as he pleased.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a situation and would greatly appreciate any input WS or BS. My FWH and I are trying to R, but I am getting concerned with some behavior. As you can see from my profile, there is still ongoing issues with OW and OC is on the way. The thing that bothers me is Pre-A, FWH was doing favors household stuff, fixing things for not only OW, but other W friends, his cell was lit up all hours with friends, mostly women, with just everything from shoulder crying to chit-chat. He also helped jump start a female friend's car Sat. He called me after, stayed in the yard, in plain view etc., and I do believe that nothing happened. But, it seems like things are sliding slowly back to pre-A. Am I just over-reacting, triggering? FWH is doing so well, doing MC, considering my feelings and needs,I just don't know what to do? Is the problem mine? I told FWH that I would have felt more comfortable if he called before doing the car repair, and FWH said that he thought he had done so well, calling me after, staying outside. I feel like I am being too nit-picky, demanding, but I can't deny my feelings. Keeping things bottled up did not help our marriage. What do I do? Ask him to tell his friends not to call in the evening? Be "mean mommy"? Ask him to give up the cell at home, he really can't as OC could come at any minute. What do I do? UGH!!!!


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For Cantbreathe09,

she lost the fight and slept with OM again. False R. My question is have any of you done this, but then realized that the affair was just a drug?

Even though I didn't sleep with the other man, I did try to contact him again. By then, I had started to realize the addictive attributes of the affair, but I was still under the influence of both the addiction and my own fears and avoidance tactics.

What I mean is that your WW loving you and wanting to reconcile and be with you - well, it's no guarantee for anything. To me, it did indeed feel like a fight much of the time.

And if your BS found out, how did they help you overcome this addiction, when you felt there was no way you could do it yourself?

Hmm, tough one. Part of how we dealt with it is kind of specific: we linked the urge to contact the other man to the urge to smoke. Basically, I quit smoking and contact, and I allowed myself a few 'surrogate screw ups' with the smoking. It still sucked, though.

Another thing my husband did was help me figure out the 'mechanics' of my attitude and behaviour. Mostly, I analyzed the 'detox-effects' and the process that got me to do things in a certain way, and then I ran it by my husband for 'review'. He asked questions, rephrased points, reminisced with me. It helped me focus on the steps I needed to take and the 'markers' I needed to put inside my mind.

We still do this. It works for us. We do other stuff too (playing games, talking about other things, doing chores, etc ).

ETA: Obviously, this isn't all we do to get through this tough period. I'm doing whatever I can to support my husband, as well as working on my person and behaviour. The focus is for him to heal and for me to change. Some things are for him to change and for me to heal. Mostly we try to help each other.

My WW refuses IC and MC, due to a long long history of IC, and she just won't go.

Well, she must have some pretty bad history and no other counsellors available to get away with that one. This may sound harsh, but if you need her to get some sort of counselling, she should get some sort of counselling. Period.

Good luck to you,

~L.

finally ETA: This is not getting clearer with my editing . If you have any further questions, please ask.

[This message edited by leftoolate at 10:44 AM, October 14th (Wednesday)]


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

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