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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS"s III
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, November 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering what it's like on the other side of the fence with someone who "adored" you now won't stop stalking you and trying to destroy the M you're busting your butt to try to save.

Dayatatime,

Your FWH, like me, is dealing with the natural consequences of his terrible choices.

I know for myself, anything that causes my wife to trigger is going to cause me to trigger too. But the triggers are not the same.

I am NOT a victim in any of this!

I voted and I deserve my consequences. My wife didn't get to vote, and therefore doesn't deserve any of this.

(((((dayatatime))))))


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
cyclewife
♀ Member
Member # 17922
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, November 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Card, I have talked to him.
Doesn't seem to get it. Thanks, just wanted an opinion other then his on why he would do this.


BS(me)-37,WS-40
3 kids-s-13, d-7, d-5
married 13 years
Affair started Aug 2007
He moved out 9/15/2007-Said he was moving in with his sister, he moved in with the OW.
OW-51,no one special, just a serial whore
R-hope he's not trying to trick me

Posts: 1314 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Texas
babywipes
♀ New Member
Member # 6670
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, November 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is that possible? were you in love with both women at the same time or is that an excuse?
well to make long story short, my husband had an affair with a single woman after I had baby (7 months old). He says he fell in love with her during the affair. We tried to R and he kept on going back to her and finally she moved out of state. We had another baby, reconciled and were doing good. Just this summer I started feeling something was up as he was not himself. So he saw her twice out of town, and slept with her. Wanted to leave our family and start family with her. She is married with two small children and she decided to do that too in the name of love. But in the end he got cold feet and convinced her that they are better off staying in their marriages for the kids. She confessed to her husband and he walked out. now my H is guilty is as hell for destroying her family and he prays that things work out for her. He says leaving here is not an option for him because he loves me and he wants to be here. He says everytime it's time to committ to OW he backs off. He says he loves two women, and he is capable of doing that. He thinks society puts all these rules. I think it's all cr** but I do know he loves me. Now I am pregnant with third child and I am at lost. I am just seeking opinions on is it possible? He told her he loves her and wants to spend his life with her but he loves his wife too. Not sure how much he tells her that he loves me but that's what he tells me.

Don't even know what I should do considering the fact that I am pregnant and with three children I feel it's worth saving the marriage. Am I in denial, the OW would like me to kick him out because she knows that he will go back to her.

hurting... confused;;;

babywipes


Posts: 26 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: deepdown ocean
bestrongforyou
♀ Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, November 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any WS out there who denied any affair ever happening for months and just said "we were just friends"? If yes how did it finally come to light after months? Did you confess?

I am 8 months into it and still believe he had an affair and he says he didn't.


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
tooanalytical
♂ Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the meaning of your wedding rings to you after the A?

As a BS, I first didn't want to wear my ring thinking it represented a broken marriage. Over time I wear them with pride because they represent my integrity. The represent the vow I made 22 years ago and have not broken.

As a WS, if you are wearing your original wedding rings, what do they mean or represent for you now?


Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long story short, my wh had a 14 month affair with a coworker & claims they've had nc since dday other than near daily phone calls for 2 weeks following Dday (only for 2 weeks because I caught them). He tells me he thought they could still be friends. Anyway, still cant shake the feeling that he still has feelings for her, especially as he's had less interest/less ability to have sex with me than expected. (I posted a topic on this in the general form which gives all the details & soliciting ws opinions but haven't received much of a response as of yet & this is really plaguing me.) My question for WS: how long does it take to end feelings for your op in a lta and what is the process?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
down4now
♀ Member
Member # 23635
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're 8 months out and our R is going really well, but I often have bad days which have been made worse recently because OW has been sending fishing texts...anyway, he's been away this weekend at an event. Iím trying to trust him, but as he was being 'chaperoned' for the whole weekend I knew he would find it difficult to meet up with her even if he wanted too. I was, however, worried that she might try and get to the event (she hasn't thankfully).

Whilst he's been away a mutual friend called to pick up some work I'd done for him (H knew he was calling). He came with his GF but H didn't know that until I told him.

He is so worried I will have a revenge A with this friend, even though it is not in my nature and I wouldn't / couldn't contemplate such a thing. When I tell him this he says he wouldn't blame me - it's all he deserves. Have any WS felt like this and how can I convince him that I don't want any kind of revenge? All I want is my wonderful H back.


BS (me) 44
WS (him)45
Married 21yrs, Together 25 yrs
Children boy 14, girl 19
D-Day(s)26th Feb, 1st March, 12th March 2009
5 Month EA/PA
OW: 52,former friend.
NC 4th March 09. Broken by OW 13th Aug, 20th Nov
On the road to R

Posts: 837 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: UK
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tooanalytical,

As a WS, if you are wearing your original wedding rings, what do they mean or represent for you now?

I don't have much meaning invested in our wedding rings, but I was very upset when my husband removed his, twice.

For me, my wedding ring still carries the same meaning, in general. I've always derived most of their emotional meaning from our having picked them out together, having them specially designed and made for us, having his name next to my skin. It's also a signal to the rest of the world that I have a husband, who's connected to me in all kinds of important ways.

By now I have to really make an effort to imagine how I could forget these things while I was cheating. Thank goodness compartimentalization is a skill that can be lost... somewhat.

The rings stand for our bond, not for a part of our lives. The only thing that has changed is that I now appreciate my husband and our relationship a whole lot more. Somehow I associate that with the ring as well.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Down4now,

He is so worried I will have a revenge A with this friend, even though it is not in my nature and I wouldn't / couldn't contemplate such a thing. When I tell him this he says he wouldn't blame me - it's all he deserves. Have any WS felt like this and how can I convince him that I don't want any kind of revenge? All I want is my wonderful H back.

Yes, I did and do imagine my husband having a revenge affair, and yes, sometimes I'd say that turnabout is fair play. Still, I'm very aware that my husband wouldn't do that. Or at least it would take some highly unlikely circumstances for him to have any kind of affair. But let me tell you, the same goes for me. My husband will never have his old wife back, because she was untrustworthy and unreliable and dishonest. I won't have her in our house . The new wife will be wonderful, however.

The thoughts of a revenge affair are about guilt, remorse, justice and even empathy. Sometimes it's paralyzing, but it can also help me move in the right direction.

Just keep an eye out for self pity and guilt overload. Those are damaging and depressing.

Good luck,
~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
leftoolate
♀ Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Babywipes, Bestrongforyou and Allgoodnamesgone, please don't think we've forgotten about your questions. It's just that weekends are rather slower and I, personally, can't really relate.

Still, I'll mull your questions over and try to give you a helpful answer - or someone who really does understand will come along and help you out.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any WS out there who denied any affair ever happening for months and just said "we were just friends"? If yes how did it finally come to light after months? Did you confess?
I am 8 months into it and still believe he had an affair and he says he didn't.

Bestrongforyou,

Long story, short.... My wife asked me to take a polygraph. She said if I refuse, there is no reconciliation available. If I complied, reconciliation was an option.

I agreed and told her everything she wanted to know.

Quickest way I have seen to get at the truth is ask for a poly. If they refuse.... make excuses.... then you have the obvious answer that H is a liar! If H agrees, you can be certain the truth will come out the day before the poly. I've seen it happen again and again.

Blind trust is the most dangerous attitude a spouse can convey. Trust but verify!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

babywipes,

now my H is guilty is as hell for destroying her family and he prays that things work out for her. He says leaving here is not an option for him because he loves me and he wants to be here. He says everytime it's time to committ to OW he backs off. He says he loves two women, and he is capable of doing that. He thinks society puts all these rules. I think it's all cr** but I do know he loves me.

In his book, "Surviving An Affair", Dr. Harley describes your situation and gives concrete solutions to overcome the A and recover the M. Please check it out at the library or order it from amazon.com ASAP.

Good luck!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Down4now,

We're 8 months out and our R is going really well, but I often have bad days which have been made worse recently because OW has been sending fishing texts...

I know you didn't ask a specific question about this but the first and most obvious solution to avoid the texts is to change all phone numbers.

He is so worried I will have a revenge A with this friend, even though it is not in my nature and I wouldn't / couldn't contemplate such a thing. When I tell him this he says he wouldn't blame me - it's all he deserves. Have any WS felt like this and how can I convince him that I don't want any kind of revenge? All I want is my wonderful H back.

It's really not up to you to convince him that you won't have an RA.

Neither of you can guarantee an A from never happening. Given the right circumstances, anyone is capable of having an A. This is why it is imperative that you both create a M in which you protect each other at all times.

I agreed to NEVER go anywhere without my wife. This was one of the ways I demonstrated my care for her. Given the A that I had, I must go above and beyond to demonstrate my desire to make her safe in our M. This is only one example of many that showed my wife I was serious about protecting her from me ever having an A again.

My wife has the ability to trust me only because I have boundaries that are plain, obvious, and intentionally there to protect her.

We have both agreed to NEVER be alone with someone of the opposite sex. This is a simple solution to the problem at hand. We also agreed not to discuss our marriage, or personal problems with the opposite sex. We also ageed not to give advice to anyone of the opposite sex. This allowed both of us to have personal boundaries and gave each of us the ability to trust the other, knowing we were protecting our marriage by protecting each other.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgoodnamesgone,

My question for WS: how long does it take to end feelings for your op in a lta and what is the process?

The process is to build a marriage that is better and stronger than the one you had pre-A.

How long the feelings last will depend on how willing your H is to commit to a program of recovery

You can use marriage programs similar to "Retouvaille" or "Marriage Builders".... etc.

My wife chose Marriage Builders program to restore Romantic Love.

It has been a great 2+ yrs of recovery as a result.

(((((allgoodnamesgone))))))

[This message edited by Card at 2:41 PM, November 29th (Sunday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a WS, if you are wearing your original wedding rings, what do they mean or represent for you now?

tooanalytical,

I told my wife right away that if she wanted new rings, I would make it happen.

She said she was not interested in a replacement.

Our rings represent the 19 years of the GOOD & REAL memories, we created together.

They do not represent what we lost during 2007, they represent every good and perfect gift we have together. Our love and our children.



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Card - thank you for the advice. I realize that's the course - I just can't shake the feeling that I'm in competition with someone 10 years younger than me with plenty of time to look perfect and to give all of her attention to my husband. By the time my husband & I can spend time together in the evening - between our jobs & our 4 kids I'm just too worn out to compete with someone like the ow. I just feel like it's not a fair fight & if he's still harboring feelings for her we dont stand a chance. Nonetheless, I'm trying to make this R work.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Card. You've illuminated so many things for me... By answering my question as well as others'.


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 763 | Registered: Nov 2007
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgoodnamesgone,

YOU are the real deal. YOU are his wife. OW has nothing on you. She has NO history, NO children, NO memories of childrens births, Christmas' together, vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, wedding.... the list goes on and on!
Reminding H of all these good memeories is always a good plan if he is still foggy.

All OW has... is a fantasy that was built on lies and deceit. Like I said, she's got nothing on you.

Hang in there!


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
2Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 26354
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why me really I've been a good person.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2009
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2Gullible -

Why me really I've been a good person.

Because... It had nothing to do with you. It was not your fault.

Welcome to this site. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

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