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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS"s III
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

listeningclosely,

As usual you seem to hit the nail right on the head and explain these scnearios in just a way that I can understand. You truly have a gift.

Although you are more articulate what you say parallel's what my FWS has tried to convey to me but in the horrible aftermath of the discovery and details I can't seem to buy it from him hook, line and sinker.

I'm trying to understand and not feel like she was the "one that got away", that if she hadn't been married then he would have left me for her. That now I'm the one that is "what is best for him to love".

Thank you for your honesty. It is the greatest give we BS's can ever receive in the aftermath of all that is my present.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do commitment and dealbreakers mean to you now? Do you expect your BS to have the same level of commitment as you either now or in the future?

TIA


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
itspersonal
♀ Member
Member # 24887
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone WS understand sexual anorexia and if so can you explain this. My FWH is doing EVERYTHING RIGHT and is working so hard at healing US. He is loving, attentative, non judgemental, supportive (although gets scared when I bring it up that I am reverting back to old thinking) Happy, hopeful, giving, excited to see me etc..however
He can't keep his hands off of me when we sleep, and he always wants to be close to me physically but he has no sexual desire and he is actually having trouble touching me sexually. I am wondering now that it has been 5 months since 2nd d-day if there is something I can do to help and what this might be. He is def. indifferent to OW now and I know affair is done. He is Def. out of the fog.
I need help as I miss our intimate times so deeply but I don't understand his rejection of it. We talk about it and it just pressures him so I am asking anyone out there that may have experience this to help!

Thanks so much


me:bs
him: ws
:Got caught in Affair with same Coworker x 2 in 08 and 09: True R and it started with my healing.
3 kids: 16,23,30
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, HIDE NOTHING!!!!!! "When someone SHOWS YOU who they are, believe them"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2009
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

icbtih8 -

What do commitment and dealbreakers mean to you now? Do you expect your BS to have the same level of commitment as you either now or in the future?

This is an ever present challenge for a FWS. On one hand, I know that my BW is fully aware of the pain an A can cause. I also know that two wrongs never make a right, so if she were to have an A it would only compound the mess I created.

On the other hand, where do I get off feeling I have the right to insist on fidelity when I did not honor that commitment myself? How can I ask something of my BW that I was unable to give her in return?

So the gut check answer is I'm completely torn.

Gun to my head, I would have to hold fast to the side that I need full commitment from her to our relationship. Because anything shy of that would tear apart all the work we have done, including the tons of work she invested in our R process.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

icbtih8 -
What do commitment and dealbreakers mean to you now?

If I have another affair again (or do anything that facilitates an affair - initiate, etc.), my marriage is over.

Do you expect your BS to have the same level of commitment as you either now or in the future?

I know that my husband feels the same level of commitment to me and our marriage that he has always felt. But, I do not expect it of him.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
HopefulBH
♂ Member
Member # 25757
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a couple of questions

My WW seems to cycle around her attitude towards me. One week she seems warmer and nice when she's talking to me, the next week she seems distant and cold. She tells me it's not me. Did any other WS do this?

What made you decide to R? Was your BS offer it or was it your choice? Was it that the fantasy started wearing off, or something else?

I haven't pushed for R, but I would if she wanted to. I've done my best to stick to the 180 and just try and live my life. I'm pretty much just curious.

HBH


BH - Mid 30's
WW - Late 20's
Married 4 years, together 6
D-day - 8/09

Hoping someday to R...

For New BS's Strategy Guide: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=323333


Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: US
srb1608
♀ Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok - in a nutshell what my wh said was that things start simply like conversations at work in a group (they work 12 hour shifts). these conversations grown to inappropriate things like sex then they get too comfortable talking to each other about that stuff, then one on one talkings lead to usually the woman saying something to indicate that she would sleep with him. He says he know it is wrong, doesnt want to lose everything, but the curiosity is so overwhelming that he ended up sleeping with 2 coworkers the first time we had trouble (over 18 months ago) and was dangerously close to another had it not been discovered andt this was after 18 months of what i thought was good R.
Is this a real mental problem that with help can be changed or just selfishness that is destined to be a part of him?

Thanks ahead!

[This message edited by srb1608 at 8:10 AM, December 11th (Friday)]


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HopefulBH:

My WW seems to cycle around her attitude towards me. One week she seems warmer and nice when she's talking to me, the next week she seems distant and cold. She tells me it's not me. Did any other WS do this?

No, I didn't do this, but I've heard of WS that do. She could be in withdrawl from the OM. She could be feeling guilt from her actions and taking it out on you. She could be blameshifting.

Her behaviors lead me to believe she's on the fence about R. But it's hard to say without more information.

What made you decide to R? Was your BS offer it or was it your choice? Was it that the fantasy started wearing off, or something else?

My situation is unique in that I broke off my A 6 months prior to it being discovered. I was long out of the fog at that point.

I decided to break off the A because I knew it wouldn't amount to anything. I didn't want to leave my marriage. He was a convenient way to medicate myself.

I never wanted anything but R. I loved my husband before, during and after the A.

Is this a real mental problem that with help can be changed or just selfishness that is destined to be a part of him?

Sounds like a classic case of piss-poor boundaries. Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? If not, I would highly encourage you and your WH to read it together.

He should also be in IC to get to the root of his behavior. He needs to be able to tell you (and himself) why he allowed himself to cheat.

Bad boundaries are absolutely fixable, but one must be aware of them first.

Hope that helps.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
srb1608
♀ Member
Member # 19477
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Hope - He is now aware after 18 months of R without admitting it. He has set us up IC/MC and says he sees what he does but doesnt want to continue to do it. Says he loves me and is in love with me and is completely happy with his life, but when push comes to shove and opportunitys with people who make no doubt that they are up for a free screw, he struggle with right and wrong. Wants to learn how to avoid those situations and be as he said "as good to me away from me as he is with me, as good on the outside as he is on the inside, wants to be a man that portrays himself so that no one can question his committment to me" but also admits he struggles with being able to do it.

God it sucks, but know that he sees it and says it aloud we can work on it.

Thanks


BS- me 37
WS -him 37
Married 13 years

Posts: 2220 | Registered: May 2008
tooanalytical
♂ Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kwills, Listeningclosely;

Thanks for coming to this forum and sharing. The BS questions are sometimes trivial but it is stuff we dwell on. We also know they are difficult for a fws to face and answer to the point we don't feel comfortable asking our fws. You are truly paying it forward and helping repair many marriages.

From your answers, I have a much better understanding of why feelings for the OP might be non-existent after d-day. I don't have the exact analogy yet for your feelings but tried to put together something that may be close:
It is a feeling of embarrassment, disbelief, self-loathing – similar to going to college on a full scholarship and being engaged to a steady partner back home. While there you meet someone that you become intimate with and feel it is love. You are caught naked having sex on camera and find out that it all was a fraternity/sorority prank. You’re not sure if the other person was in on the joke and just telling you what you wanted to hear or was also duped. In either case the OP was willing to let you suffer alone and you know it is not love. You feel so stupid. Your naked picture is distributed across campus and you feel shame. You almost lose the scholarship. Your parents and fiancé are devastated and hearts are broken but they stick with you.

A year or so later you run into OP and it is a reminder of the most horrible, traumatic event in your life. The bad feelings overpower any warmth that my ignite from seeing an old flame. I get it. Thanks.


Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2009
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, December 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question:

Why, during R, when a BS asks for something that would help them heal, does a FWS not follow-up.

example 1 (one of several):
I printed out some worksheets from this site that I hope will help me with forgiveness. I left them with him and said he could look them over and then we could work on them together. I have heard nothing since.

example 2:
I have two books that we agreed to read together. One is for the H and one for the W. We read his religiously. We read mine maybe once every two weeks?

There are more. I need him to take a leadership role in our R and have said this repeatedly in our discussions. What is the deal? When I ask him he usually says he doesn't know.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

survivinglies -

Why, during R, when a BS asks for something that would help them heal, does a FWS not follow-up.

There are lots of reasons why a FWS may not do the things their BS needs to heal. In some cases we are asked to look with eyes wide open at the damage we caused (such as listening to a BS venting about all the harm we did without getting defensive). Sometimes we are asked to relive the horror through providing details in a timeline.

But based on your description, what I would say is that your FWH likely hasn't learned the love lesson that the more you give, the more you receive back in return. It took me a while to get to that point. An A is the epitome of selfish behavior. Often a phrase like "I deserve to be happy" or "I need to do something for myself for once in my life" are uttered. These are only masks for selfish thinking. If you did everything he wanted to cover but he is dragging his feet on what he has to give to you, his focus is probably still centered on himself and what he wants rather than what your needs are.

The other possibility is that he's unsure because he doesn't know how to act selflessly. For some of us, myself included, it's not something we learned growing up. I had to learn how to give more and take less. I'm still not great at it even now. I have to remind myself constantly that my attention needs to be on what my family needs from me first and foremost.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
newdirection
♀ Member
Member # 25079
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I am a betrayed SO. My ex and I broke up and we have no contact. He took up with the OW and they are now married. I accept this and have made no effort to try to contact him.

My question is:

She has bad-mouthed me all over town. I understand that she wishes I would just disappear, but this is ridiculous to me as he and I were together for years and SHE is the one who interjected herself into our lives. I have made NO attempts to confront her, but am bothered that I still hear ugly things she says about me. He is a coward and has never tried to stop her. I don't get it. Why does she want to hurt me or at the least make me look bad?

I am tired of rising above this nightmare.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Aug 2009
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today was a rough day. My FWS got upset and accused me of cheating on him just because I did not answer my cell phone cause I was busy, but I did call him back within fifteen minutes. I am not cheating on him & it made me mad because this is not the first time he has accused me. He cheated on me four years ago and over the years if I get upset about the affair he almost always gets angry & then tells me I can trust him. His anger and words do not comfort me since he broke that trust when he cheated. Today I blew up and told him that I am sick and tired of him accusing me when he is always telling me to trust him,as if it's that easy. As usual, I heard that he is worried that I will do the same to him. Guess I'm wondering why he acts this way? Especially since he gets angry and tells me I can trust him when I have a trigger. Guess I got tired of reassuring him when I never feel like he is there for me when I need the reassurace. Getting angry and telling me I can trust him then wanting reassurance from me when he worries that I will do the same to him angers me. Why does he even obsess over that? He makes me wonder what he's doing wrong since he's accusing me. Seriously sick of it

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

newdirection -

Why does she want to hurt me or at the least make me look bad?

Remember that until someone is held accountable for their actions, they won't change their behavior. While I can't say for certain without knowing the full details about the OW, it would not surprise me at all if this is her way of obtaining external validation.

Basically the worse she makes you look, the better she feels about herself. And considering her past actions, she has to drag you down pretty low to make things better for herself.

The other thing that may be a factor is I'm sure the only thing she has heard from your XWH about you have been all your faults. She's expressing her thoughts based on what he has shared, not based on reality. My guess is if you asked my xMOW about my choice to R, she'd tell you I was foolish to go back to a woman who didn't appreciate me. It would be a totally messed up statement, because I had not shared the amazing things my BW gives me in life.

ETA - I think there comes a time for all of us in this mess to "consider the source" and dismiss the statements and opinions of people we know are coming from a messed up view of the world. And if you're worried about the others around you that she is shooting her mouth off to, the friends and neighbors worth keeping in your life are the ones who will see right through her comments because they know who you truly are. Other opinions just don't matter.

[This message edited by Listeningclosely at 10:16 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)]


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nothereorthere -

Guess I'm wondering why he acts this way?

Projecting. I did it too, and boy do I feel foolish about it now.

Wells was going to a friend's house for the weekend. I was in ridiculous communication overkill mode and stressing the whole weekend. And yes, I had crazy thoughts going through my head about her saying she was with a friend but having an RA instead.

She got a huge laugh out of it. Not to be mean. Just because my thoughts were so ridiculous. I told her I was worried because she bought new pajamas and used them for the first time that weekend. Rational if these were silky lingerie. But this was a cotton nightgown style number with images of puppies on it.

It can come from a couple of different angles. One is knowing that after the harm we've done we wouldn't be surprised to see our BS have an RA. Hey, if we opened the door right?

The other is that our BS now sees us in a far lower light. We aren't Prince Charming or Cinderella anymore. And if some OP were to come along looking the part, maybe they just might cast aside our flawed butts and go for someone they deserve far more.

For me, this phase did calm down over time. But I'm not sure anything Wells would say or do could have helped me through it. It was something I had to work through. You might be able to call him on his projecting his errors onto you, but I'm not sure much else could be done.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
nothereorthere
♀ Member
Member # 20530
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listeningclosely,

First I have to say, I got a chuckle out of your story about the cotton nightgown with puppies on it. Thanks, I needed that.
Guess I just get tired of reassuring him when deep down I don't feel like I would ever have a RA. I'll admit it has crossed my mind, especially right after I was hurt by his A, but I don't believe I really could. Maybe I should try to find the humor in it like you and your wife did. Thanks again for your great advice.


Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
SoloMom
♀ New Member
Member # 26630
Question  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for WS but BS please feel free to respond why do the sex increase in your marriage while you are having the A and if that was what you were looking for what you were not getting at home why after you have it at home it you don't end the A.

[This message edited by SoloMom at 8:29 PM, December 15th (Tuesday)]


Me: 28
H: 30
kids: 2 - 7,2
Married: 9 1/2 years
D-Day: #3 07/17/08 still haunts me it was an EA
OW: 27

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”


Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mashpee, MA
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:36 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but BS please feel free to respond

This thread is strictly for questions asked by BS's...not for BS's to answer.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192147 | Registered: May 2002
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, December 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why did you as WS stay in A for so long? Trying to understand why WS not only have A while in good M,
why did you stay in A for so long? What does your mind say to you every day knowing your choice destroyed relationship,respect and honor of your children,young and adult ones?

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
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