Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Elaine311 (43215)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS"s III
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH says he loves me and I'm his soulmate and true love and the love of his life. How can that be? It just doesn't make any sense. Could some of the WS's explain how that sentiment could be true even for someone who has been engaged in an affair?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yet another question: Over the past 5 months I've sorted through a lot of questions/concerns. The one that continues to plague me however is "How will I know that you will not do this to me again?" My H firmly maintains that the A happened because our relationship was not good/non-existent. My h is not in ic or mc. He's agreed to read the faq from this site & a book I purchased but has yet to do so. (Agreed to do it last week). He's transparent - yet I've caught him with a phone the ow gave him 1 mo after DDay & I've caught him lying to me about his whereabouts 2x -once close to D-Day & the other just a month ago. (He insists both were non-ow related & I have no proof otherwise). I don't trust him - I'm not saying my gut is screaming at me - I just think that I would rather err on the side of caution. I think I would rather walk away then go thru another DDay. Anyway - that's the background. While I would love any advice any of you might have as to my situation - I'm also interested in how any of you have gotten to the point where you know you wouldn't do it again (or have struggled to stay faithful).


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
WheredoIgonow
♀ Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the OW or OM ever sincerely apologize to the WS - especially if the know the BS?? Is that almost impossible?


Me; BS (54)
Him: WS (56)
Married 29 years
DD-28, DS-26, DS-18, DS-16
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years
OW#2 - EA/PA - 5 months
He thought she was his soulmate - was going to move out- confessed about OW#2 when asked. OW#1 revealed them.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2010
dismantled
Member
Member # 26887
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any WS feel guilt or disgust about sleeping with both people at the time it was happening? What is the thought process about bringing the AP into the home? I understand the concept of fog when there is no conflict, no drama, no honest conversation about what is going on. But how does the fog apply to a LTA when you are fighting for the M? How is this fog-- and if its not, what is it?

[This message edited by dismantled at 12:06 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me-BW
Dday: 1-24-08, Two years of false R and Dday after Dday after Dday after Dday ever since...

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
-- Agnes Repplier


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2009
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone -

how any of you have gotten to the point where you know you wouldn't do it again (or have struggled to stay faithful).

I don't know that I won't do it again. I have talked to my husband about this and he says, no one knows about the future. All we can do is work on today. Maybe by not taking each other for granted, that will help me not do it again. (Also, the knowledge that he will divorce me helps...)

Sorry I can't reassure you that much...


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WheredoIgonow -

Does the OW or OM ever sincerely apologize to the WS - especially if the know the BS??

You want the OP to apologize to the WS? Why? Did you mean to type "BS" instead?

There would be no end to the apologies or closure conversations if the OP and the WS kept talking. It's better to just cut off all contact.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
grace09
♀ Member
Member # 26808
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone - This is also my BH's biggest question. I'm not sure that there is a satifying answer. But, for me, I can only say that I'm getting the much needed help that I should have gotten years ago - before I had the A. I'm in IC and MC, I'm reading everything I can get my hands on, and I'm facing the consequences of my actions and accepting full responsibility. Even so, my BH thinks there is a 50/50 chance I will do it again. I'm 100% sure I won't. I'm hoping he will give me better odds as time goes on.


Me - FWW
Dday 7/09
MC began the week of D-Day, but not yet forgiven

Posts: 161 | Registered: Dec 2009
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dismantled -

How can the fog be so strong to maintain both relationships?

I think you got some good responses in General, but you just don't believe it. You think there has to be a secret decoder ring that you don't have that will give you the final answer.

The affair is addictive. It is like a drug. Think of it as cocaine or meth or cigarettes. If you changed your question to:

How could he have sex with me, yet he smoked right before and right after?

How could he have taken a hit of coke, knowing that I told him I would divorce him if he did?

Why did he go to the bar when he knows he's supposed to come straight home from work?

How could he have sex with her and then sex with me?

It's all the same.

The way to get out of it is to go cold turkey and grit his teeth through the withdrawal. Once the infatuation is over and the addiction is out of his system, he will see things more clearly.

If he won't do it on his own, you have to make life miserable so that he will do it. Show him the divorce papers and mean it.

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 12:05 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
dismantled
Member
Member # 26887
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do understand the analogy to addiction. Its hard to accept that a person can have the same physical hold that a narcotic can. There is something biological about drugs and alcohol that make it easier to understand. And addiction however is a long way off from mental disorders. You cannot fix sociopath. You run like hell and hope he doesn't find you. Many of my responses in general (except one or two) didn't offer thoughts on addiction or the thought process in the thick of the affair. They focused on being sociopathic and mental disturbed. Addicts are not mentally disturbed, they are addicted and it is physical, emotional and all encompassing. But they can recover with help and iron will. That is a huge difference.

[This message edited by dismantled at 12:17 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me-BW
Dday: 1-24-08, Two years of false R and Dday after Dday after Dday after Dday ever since...

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
-- Agnes Repplier


Posts: 216 | Registered: Dec 2009
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dismantled, it's not the person who is addicting, it's the endorphins you feel when you are engaging in the affair. I've never used heroin, but I remember distinctly commenting to OM that that's what it felt like to me.

That feeling is very, very addicting, as is the external validation. It's completely intoxicating. Even the withdrawal is real.

Thinking about it now makes me .


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dismantled -

Its hard to accept that a person can have the same physical hold that a narcotic can.

There are many types of addictions.

Artificial: cigarettes, alcohol, cocaine, gambling, etc.
Natural: food, work, sex
Process: gambling, compulsive shopping, sex, work

(Some of the categories overlap.)

While the items or processes that a person is addicted to are vastly different, what they do to the brain is similar - the rush, the need for more, the soothing feeling from it, the selection of that item or process as the coping mechanism.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 questions.

1 = In the WS POV is there a time limit on transparency? Long after Dday is there a time when having private (secret) email accounts is ok? Or changing the password on known accounts to be some thing you BS does not know?

2 = You know of the BS *diet plan* wherein many loose significant weight after Dday. Is there a WS version? My WW gained allot of weight and has kept it on after Dday. Is this common? If so. What is behind it?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor -

1. I personally, don't believe there is a limit on transparency. A secret email account is never okay, nor is changing passwords.

2. I lost a significant amount of weight after my d-day. I suspect your WW's weight gain might be due to the fact that she's subconsciously trying to make herself unattractive to men.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7603 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can WS speak to when they came to understanding or clarity as to the destructive nature of staying in A relationship? What were your realizations about why you stayed in it and your thinking that came about when you stepped out of A? Need some understanding of the power while under the effects of A?

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor -

1 = In the WS POV is there a time limit on transparency?

No, there is no time limit.

2 = My WW gained allot of weight and has kept it on after Dday. Is this common? If so. What is behind it?

I have gained about 10 lbs this past year. I was deliberately eating when I felt bad and I also wanted to make sure I did not feel sexy, in case I ran into xOM.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlovemyfamily -

can WS speak to when they came to understanding or clarity as to the destructive nature of staying in A relationship?

I did not think it was destructive while I was in the affair. I was horrified at myself and also kind of wondering at myself (who am I? that I am doing this!), but I did not think "destructive".

What were your realizations about why you stayed in it and your thinking that came about when you stepped out of A?

See previous posts about addiction!


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455 -

Could some of the WS's explain how that sentiment could be true even for someone who has been engaged in an affair?

I had sort of addressed this in a response a few pages back to tooanalytical regarding how wedding rings could have any significance after an A:

I understand the difficulty in sorting this out. For me, it boils down to this. My A was about weaknesses within me. It did not replace or discard the love I have for my BW. In fact, I honestly believe that if I did not love my BW so deeply, I would not have recovered and would have lost everything in the process.

It was the strength of my love for my BW that served as my guide to recovery. Under that view, the ring makes a lot of sense. In our ceremony (like many others), the wording of the points made during the exchange of rings refers to them as a symbol of infinite love. It frequently goes something like this:

"The wedding ring is a symbol of eternity. It is an outward sign of an inward and spiritual bond which unites two hearts in endless love."

For me, my love for my BW never ended. In fact, the words "Endless Love" are etched on the inside of our rings. It is that endless and powerful love that has carried us through the deepest darkness imaginable, and allowed us to emerge even more connected than ever before.

So in essence, my love for my BW never ended. I allowed my focus to drift to an unhealthy addiction that distracted me from seeing what truly mattered. But I firmly believe that it was the strength of our love for each other that has guided us in the work we have both undertaken to R.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgoodnamesgone -

"How will I know that you will not do this to me again?"

Based on your WH's actions, you don't. Because in order to get to the point that a WS has been "affair proofed", they must get to the core reason they allowed an A to be their choice of how to cope with external forces.

Your WH's answer is not the reason he cheated. He had numerous paths to take. Suggest counseling. Ask for S or D. Yet he chose to have an A. That choices reflects a weakness within himself - one he must face head on in order to eliminate it.

Until he goes through the work - which is usually best done in IC - to figure out his own flaws that led to the A, he will continue to be at risk for having another one.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wheredoigonow -

Does the OW or OM ever sincerely apologize to the WS - especially if the know the BS?? Is that almost impossible?

In my case, it was impossible because we immediately established NC. Other than one fishing expedition on her part, that NC has remained in place so there has been no way for her to apologize (or not).


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
crushed again
♀ Member
Member # 26138
Helpless  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yet another question that has me puzzled. How long did you or do you waffle back and forth between wanting the M to work or just walking away? Also our 'MC' told me to think of the OW as an insignificant nothing. She said until I can truly do this I cannot heal. BUT my WH has given/gives(?) her more respect than his own family. I realize some WS's on here refer to the OP as a drug of choice but do/did you ever think of them as toxic and see that your life would be so much better w/out them in it? My WH says he still does not know if he wants to stay in the M. Does this sound like typical fence sitting until he sees what the OW is going to do? Throughout this whole A whenever he talks it sounds like HER words- not his. Is it the A drug that's so powerful or the actual OP themself??


"Don't you worry your pretty little mind because people throw rocks at things that shine!"
~I guess living in limbo is my "new normal"- stinks!~

Posts: 713 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Dreaming of a far better place!
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.