Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: womanoflight (43210)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always think of the four years and I am done thread. Us BH's try so hard because we want to save our families. That is our role as a father. This dynamic gets very hard when often like me you are with somebody who has traits of personality disorders.

Often we are face a few years out with a brutal choice.

Accept the poor state of the marriage is what it is and live as much as you can as Wincing has or divorce.

The third outcome ... true R is often unatainable no matter what you do because for example my wife is too afraid to the introspection needed to resolve her personal issues.

I admire the WW on SI. They often are doing the introspection needed for true R.

Unfortunately for most of us they are the exception and not the rule.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife has now had more sex partners since we got married than I have in my whole life, so I don't think that works for me, either

same here.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife has now had more sex partners since we got married than I have in my whole life, so I don't think that works for me, either

same here.

Ditto -- thus the reason she is XW.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wince, if my x told me she sleep with 6 or 7 men during our M then i should double that? That is so depressing!


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
wishingitwasnt
♂ Member
Member # 20380
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife has now had more sex partners since we got married than I have in my whole life, so I don't think that works for me, either

same here.
Ditto -- thus the reason she is XW.


-t2g

By the time I got out, at least 2x. Still going from what I hear.


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: IA
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will say this: When I worked in addictions treatment, one of the rules of thumb the counselors and psychiatrists used was "With women, take whatever amount they say they used, double it, and then you're probably halfway to the truth."


most def this is true-WW was drinking heavily before & during her A's-she always minimized it, until I showed her our bank acct-she was spending $100+ a wk on booze, not counting what she drank @wrk during lunches.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's making a choice, friend - none of this was forced upon her. And she isn't under some sort of foreign influence... you have to be sane to know which lies to tell yourself. How her choice works out is inconsequential - it's the choice itself that matters. Whether or not it works out with the OM, she still chose him over her integrity and in full face of the wake of devastation she created.

Thanks Ser, makes me saner by reading this, helps me to see a better way to look at this sitch.


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
dire straits
♂ Member
Member # 22350
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been months since I last posted, and felt this thread would be a good, highly anonymous place to post.

I want to tell my wife that I want to divorce. I've got nervous butterflies, and am extremely unsettled. Nevertheless, I feel it is the right thing for me to do. I've been to this emotional place many times before; in fact I've pretty much always been here, but just have never summoned up the resolve to take action.

D-day was early January. I've been extremely distant this whole time, mainly because I never wanted to give her a false impression that I want to reconcile.

Meanwhile, she's been trying hard to be good to me and patient. Clearly she wants the marriage to survive.

We never discuss the cheating because I don't think either of us want to. For me, there's no point because I'm not interested in reconciliation.

So, now I'm hyperventilating trying to get up the nerve. I'm rather stuck on what to say. I'm afraid she will take it very, very badly. I think she may believe at this point that I've decided to have a business relationship type of M (even though I've never explicitly said anything like that), or perhaps she may even think that I'm slowly coming around (I'm not as constantly pissy as I was when it was all more raw). And I expect she will feel somewhat betrayed herself. I've let this limbo go on for so long while she's been trying to right the boat.

How do I explain to her why I've sat on this decision so long? Hell, I don't even really know why it's taken me so long. Partly I've been afraid of sending her down into an abyss, partly I've been dreading telling our children that we are getting a divorce; partly I've been dreading the tension of living in the same house after the shit hits the fan.

I really want it to be amicable. This may sound strange, but I really feel like I could get along with her after a divorce, even though I cannot be her husband. But I expect that she will be so shattered that our relationship as co-parents will be very strained (or worse).

Please, do not urge me to give it more time. Time is the enemy. I've been mired in guilt for too long. What I need is a good push, and some advice on what to say.

I've got a letter from my lawyer ready to give to her. It encourages her to find a lawyer and get the process going.

Thanks, guys. I know I'm really wussy.

[This message edited by dire straits at 11:51 AM, September 16th (Wednesday)]


All the king's horses and all the king's men...

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2009
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostcause,

I'm still a relative newbie to this whole process but I think you owe it to yourself, your kids and your WS to let them know your intentions. There is never going to be a "good" time to break this news, just like there was never a good time for your WS to break the news of her cheating (I hate the term affair, it sounds so romantic).
Perhaps you could soften the tensions by telling her that you want to be her friend and if you both decide later you want to start up a relationship she will have the same opportunity as ever other single women out there. When I first found out about my WS's cheating I told my children this was my plan and they were fine with it. It gave them a place to put their hope. I have not decided which way I'm going to go yet. I've only known for 2 months so I'm trying to do what everyone says and wait a year.
My prayers are with you.
jollum


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, dire -

Honestly, I think you've given it long enough. You know you're done.

I don't think you have to explain yourself to her. The fact that she cheated is reason enough to divorce her for all time, whether that decision takes you 6 minutes, 6 months or 6 years.

It's up to you how badly you want to break her on the way out the door, but at a minimum, I think you should visit the lawyer first. Get your docs put together and your ducks in a row, then just sit down and tell your wife you talked to a lawyer because you just don't see the marriage working.

If you haven't already done something concrete to end the marriage, she's going to try to talk you out of it...and it sounds to me like you want to avoid that. You just want her to shut up and go away now that you've reached your decision. She won't, of course, because she's been holding out hope for the last few months that if she was good enough, you wouldn't kick her to the curb...so I imagine there will be begging and pleading and crying in your future.

All you can do is tell her and stay firm. I would caution you *not* to waffle once you've started the conversation. Don't break down and agree to give her a few more weeks or whatever.

Give the speech and have somewhere to go...like a buddy's house to stay for a few days or whatever so she can't needle you, try to fuck you into changing your mind, etc (unless you want that, then that's okay).

But see the lawyer first. You're not saying, "I'm thinking about divorcing you", you're saying, "I'm done with you and have started divorce proceedings." Make it clear that the decision has been made and she doesn't have any input input into it (again, unless you want to get snarky, then you can throw in things like "you had all your input when you were sleeping with OM").

Good luck, man.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, do not urge me to give it more time. Time is the enemy.

dire striats -- no, I won't tell you that you need more time as it seems you have given plenty already. Your gut tells you when it is time to go (hence my user name - I knew less than two months past Dday, prior to my signing up here what I needed to do) and it seems you need an exit from limbo land. Some of us are simply not wired for R -- I know I am not.

I am not so sure you need to tell her anything in particular other than you are no longer able to stay in the M and are indeed filing for D. Keep it business like as that is now what it is. Start taking steps for the S process so you have that in order and are able to do so along with the filing of the D.

I never again talked to my xw after she filed (she had to one up me). We would talk about specifics regarding the kids but nothing about us. Everything was, and is done via lawyers or text messages.

It really is a business deal now -- keep it that way and proceed so as to protect yourself.

And no, you are not a wussy. Just human. Hang in here.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, September 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Dire, you have waited as long as you could, and now you are there. I guess I'm a little callus, but, if she didn't want a divorce, she shouldn't have had an affair(s).

You need to take care of you, and you know best how to do so.

Good luck, my friend. We're here for you.


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
blueskycentral
♂ Member
Member # 22240
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 17th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DOES WW's vagina seem dirty to you now?

I cannot perform oral at all anymore. Even regular sex is almost unbearable. I can accept oral, but that's basically it.
Can anyone relate?


Posts: 548 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Central NJ
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course, it seems like it is dirty. It *is* dirty.

If you take the trash out of your trash can, you don't start using it as a soup bowl.

Just because you took the trash out doesn't change the fact that it's still a trash can.

That said, the feeling goes away if you ignore it long enough. Just close your eyes and think of the Queen or something.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blueskycentral,

I get that feeling more all the time. On the rare occasions we have sex I have had similar reactions. Oral sex is definitely a problem.

Yea, the Queen. That gets it going. Thanks WAL. Guess I'll wash the truck instead.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
blueskycentral
♂ Member
Member # 22240
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

W-A-L

The irony is that I am so triggery and oral-shy, it becomes an independent trigger.
If OM was a master licker...and I won't even look down there.....


Posts: 548 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Central NJ
Weightless
♂ Member
Member # 20799
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this isn't very helpful, but those feelings will fade over time, especially if R is going well.



Posts: 170 | Registered: Aug 2008
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DOES WW's vagina seem dirty to you now?
I cannot perform oral at all anymore. Even regular sex is almost unbearable. I can accept oral, but that's basically it.
Can anyone relate?


wow thought it was just me-its been 2 yrs Nov since I did oral.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nope. Cant. Wont go there. No way. No how.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I have a question to pose to the other BH's here;

I was thinking and wondering. . . you know, I married my wife because I liked how she looked. I never really wanted her to change. But she was never satisfied with her looks - probably never will be.

Back around d-day #1, things were starting to go well for us, financially, and she asked for breast implant surgery. I said no; I don't believe in them, didn't want them, didn't want her to have men paying more attention because of them. . . but she kept asking and asking, and finally talked me into it. Shortly after the surgery, was when I discovered her second A.

Then, during our false R, she asked for laser eye surgery - was also asking for botox and a face lift, and collagen injections for her lips. (she was in her mid-30's).

I said no to all that, but she made the appointment and had the laser eye surgery done on her own anyway, in defiance of my wishes.

Also, about a year before d-day #2, she did the same thing - laser hair-removal. (yeah. "down there", sorry - TMI).

Now - back when she asked for the implants, I told her that this was all just so sad and cliche, that she should really look to fix her self-esteem problems with a therapist instead of a surgeon. Of course she said I was talking nonsense.

Before she contracted HSV2, she used to always go to tanning salons. (exposure to UV can trigger breakouts).

During the last 2 years of her A - she belonged to a gym, and was working out 3, 4, 5 hours EVERY DAY. (yet always refused any recreational activities that involved physical exertion, running, kayaking, hiking, biking, etc.)

So how many other BH's out there paid for breast implants (and other assorted modifications) for their FWW/WW's, who then used them to attract OM to stroke their egos?


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.