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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex lost about 20 pounds. She hid it from me. She wore her old baggy clothes at home. She wore her new skinny clothes to work. OM was/is her boss. It sucked finding out she did all that for someone else.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW did none of those things. She's always kept her weight the same...very thin. Always walked 4-5 miles a day. Has always tanned. No unnecessary surgeries.

Posts: 1915 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
wonderingbull
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Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex got a new pair, shaved her hooch, bought all g-string panties and lost 20 lbs all for the OM...

Luckily, I didn't pay for any of it except in mental misery....

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot she shaved her private area for the first time in her mid 40s. Never asked her to do it. I guess she did it for him. I pissed just thinking about it.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I have a question to pose to the other BH's here;
I was thinking and wondering. . . you know, I married my wife because I liked how she looked. I never really wanted her to change. But she was never satisfied with her looks - probably never will be.

Back around d-day #1, things were starting to go well for us, financially, and she asked for breast implant surgery. I said no; I don't believe in them, didn't want them, didn't want her to have men paying more attention because of them. . . but she kept asking and asking, and finally talked me into it. Shortly after the surgery, was when I discovered her second A.

Then, during our false R, she asked for laser eye surgery - was also asking for botox and a face lift, and collagen injections for her lips. (she was in her mid-30's).

I said no to all that, but she made the appointment and had the laser eye surgery done on her own anyway, in defiance of my wishes.

Also, about a year before d-day #2, she did the same thing - laser hair-removal. (yeah. "down there", sorry - TMI).

Now - back when she asked for the implants, I told her that this was all just so sad and cliche, that she should really look to fix her self-esteem problems with a therapist instead of a surgeon. Of course she said I was talking nonsense.

Before she contracted HSV2, she used to always go to tanning salons. (exposure to UV can trigger breakouts).

During the last 2 years of her A - she belonged to a gym, and was working out 3, 4, 5 hours EVERY DAY. (yet always refused any recreational activities that involved physical exertion, running, kayaking, hiking, biking, etc.)

So how many other BH's out there paid for breast implants (and other assorted modifications) for their FWW/WW's, who then used them to attract OM to stroke their egos?

Went after the face lift eye lift thing and was angling toward some kind of wrinkle removing procedure. I dragged my feet but went to the surgeaon with her yada yada and even got the financing ready then I took another look at it, knowing she was trolling the internets and dating sites, I told her no I couldn't afford it and didn't care to see her spending my money to attract other men. I feel good about my decision.

Ya she hair removes all the time. Like it must be some kind of fad on those porn sites idk.

She would like breast surgery, she lost a lot of weight and does the gym thing and tanning so your story sounds like mine :)

She has told me before she will f anybody she wants to I believe that is about the only truth I have heard out of her :). I have told her not on my dime she won't. Soon she will start to believe that. Hang in there man.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are a few guys I have known whos W got the plastic boobs. Mind that this number only goes to some where between 5 and 10. But every single one of those women took their store bought boobs out and showed them around town. Every single one of them then cheated on their husbands. I can think of only one of those marriages that recovered. The rest of those women rode off into the sun set with her great huge boobs looking to screw everything in her path.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The rest of those women rode off into the sun set with her great huge boobs looking to screw everything in her path.

OMG!!

I mean, looks like we've found a pattern, here. And crap it really hurts to believe my wife thinks this way - (REALLY hurts because I'm thinking of all the car-parts I could have bought with that money, instead of bimbo-parts). . . at the same time, it's really sad that ANY woman would think that way. Not MY Daughter!

(FWIW: FWW *said* she did all those things "for me" - even though I fought every one of these things every step of the way. . . somehow she got the impression that I'm a "big boobs" guy. When really, quite the opposite; to quote the movie Weird Science, ". . . anything bigger than a handful, and you're risking a sprained thumb. . .")


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
10yearsgone
♂ Member
Member # 20771
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my attorney if I could get one boob since they were bought during the M. He said no.


How Will I Laugh Tomorrow When I Can't Even Smile Today


Posts: 148 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: east coast
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

time for a new attorney?

I'm learning to recognize those women who internalize (thru rationalizations) - that which is external. I see them all the time..."but these hi heels make me 'feel good', this cleavage-baring sweater makes me 'feel good'...yadayada....
I shut my dam mouf.

If I called them on it, that they just want the lustful attention they garner - it'd piss them off mightily, wouldn't really change anything, plus,
I'd be out of a yob, man.
Think National Geographic covers, with the wimmenz with the stretched necks and plates in their lips...in that culture, I bet that makes them 'feel good' too.

I'm not sure what real is. I know I long for it.


[This message edited by jjct at 7:30 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


So how many other BH's out there paid for breast implants (and other assorted modifications) for their FWW/WW's, who then used them to attract OM to stroke their egos?

She wanted new boobs, but
mine just bought $50+ VS bras(the push up 1 inch thick padded ones)when just weeks before she was laughing about having holes in her underwear.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Ethelred
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Member # 23332
Happy  Posted: 9:11 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to T/J, but thinking about my WW's infidelity and not knowing stuff/trickle truth makes me think of writing a short story/TV show plot with multiple universes, where the main character slides between the alternate universes.

In happy-cuddly-puppy universe #1, husband-main-character (me), wakes up in bed one day, say a Wednesday in March. There is an amusing misunderstanding where husband (as I said, me, in my movie), thinks his WW is having an affair due to a crazy misundersanding. As the husband investigates through a complicated series of events he realizes, no, he was wrong, his WW was not cheating. BH and WW hug and kiss and call each other snuggums. BH goes to bed.

BH wakes up, again on the initial Wednesday in March. He realizes he has gone back in time. Through the course of his "Groundhog Day/Week" experience, he discovers that he is now in Universe #2, and through the end of his investigations he discovers his WW was just getting slightly emotionally intimate with someone nice like your church's pastor, who comforted her when her mother died. Universe #2 concludes.

BH wakes up in universe #3, realizes he is back on Wednesday, and investigates;
BH wakes up in universe #4, realizes he is back on Wednesday, and investigates;
BH discovers over time that his WW is a progressively bigger slut/cheater in each new universe.

This plot continues over and over again 1,000 times until I discover my WW is screwing the local high school football team or something.

Does anyone else relate to this plot?

Insert happy (?) ending: At some point after BH has given up all hope, his guardian angel appears, and says this is all a bad dream, and will give you three choices:
Choice (a) He will allow you to go back in time in your real life to just before (or a few months before, if you prefer) your WW committed her first A, so you can address the expected problem in advance, or;
Choice (b) He will allow you to go back in time to a point before you met your WW, so you can choose another life partner, or;
Choice (c) He will give you a special magic ticket that will allow you to live with/fuck a Playboy Playmate each month (for a whole month, during the month prior to their appearance in the magazine, to reduce publicity issues) for the rest of your life on the condition that you never get married and never father any children (you can keep the ones you already have if you choose) No Monkey's Paw/Twilight Zone-type catch which gives you a horrible disease or a short life in exchange for this.

Which do you prefer?

[This message edited by Ethelred at 9:28 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd choose B.

Without a doubt. One of the things I have to recognize about myself is that I am a slow-forgiver. I always have been with big things. Small-to-moderate things (and from my actual life experience, "moderate" includes ONS's by my wife), I'm practically an instant-forgiver, but there's a certain threshold of wrong that I simply cannot abide.

Here's what I've realized: my wife could literally go to therapy, fix herself, get her issues straightened out and become the most perfect spouse in the history of the world...and it wouldn't really matter to me at this point. She's tainted. Not soul-tainted or somehow perpetually marked as evil just because she was a lying cheater for two years -- I want you to understand this: she was those things, but I do believe that no matter what we've done in our past, we can always change and become something better -- but from my perspective, there will always be taint, wariness, mistrust.

That's on me, okay? I know that. I choose not to surrender that definition of her.

And I say that as a guy who is, in many ways, still deeply in love with his wife. As a guy who still leaves her love notes, sends her flowers just for the hell of it, does everything I can to support her. I love my wife, but I also recognize that I love my wife because she is the wife I *have*, and if I've chosen to keep her, I'm obligated to love her to the best of my ability. Does that make sense? I don't know that I love the actual person that she is, the actual Mrs. Wincing. I love my wife, and so I love her because she's in that role. If she wasn't in that role...well, I'd probably be like, "Wow, what a fucked up nut bag. I feel sorry for any guy who gets shackled with her!"

I'm sure that part of the reason I say that is that my wife is a fucked up nut bag: SAb, bipolar, borderline. These are things I didn't know when I married her. The other part is that I sincerely do not believe in the notion of soul mates. I believe, in essence, that spouses are interchangeable. If I'd chosen girl B instead of girl A back in the day, my life overall would have been just as happy, just as content and largely much the same as it ended up...because I consider my spouse to be a complement to my life, not the sum of it. The relationship dynamics might have been different, but in terms of overall life satisfaction, it would have come out roughly even (at least prior to infidelity...I have more faith that girl B wouldn't have cheated on me like girl A did).

Of course, the other side of this equation is that this also means that I can't identify one unique and irreplaceable thing that my wife brought to my life that I would want to keep (figuring, mind you, that if I'd married girl B, we'd also have kids that I'd love just as much as my current kids). There isn't one thing about her that makes me go "All the suffering we've endured is worthwhile because she taught me this, or made me realize that, or because she is so whatever that I couldn't imagine living without it."

I mean, she's a unique individual and wonderful in her own way, but not *so* wonderful that she's more unique or more interesting than any other woman out there. She just happens to be unique and wonderful to a deeper level than any other woman I've taken the time to get to know as well (since she's also the only woman I've ever been married to for 15 years).

She's only special in the narrative of my life because I made her special...because I gave her a special place in it. She could just as easily have been a girl I passed on the street and promptly dismissed, never to think about again, while girl B became the special one, my life's love, the mother of my children.

So, from that perspective, I choose B. Definitely B.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with wincing. I would choose B. Although C sounds very tempting.

I also agree with wincing about soul mates Seems like a pile of crap to me. Romantic novel nonsense.

About the tainting I am not so sure. If my WW had actually worked to restore herself and me and our M then maybe I would not see any tainting. It is not how long from Dday it is that makes you heal. It is what was done in that time from Dday that makes you heal. It isnt the time but what you do with it.

In my case my WW did nothing with the time. She just wants to push it down and ignore and forget the whole LTA. Never deal with it. If I bring it up she gets mad. Says I am punishing her by wanting to talk about it. "your crying just to make me feel bad" When it comes to it she blames me for her A. It was my fault so my assurance she wont have another A is that I am being a better H to her now.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm tempted to go with B, but first, I'd ask for option D: to live in a parallel universe where it would be completely legal and socially acceptable for me to hunt down each of her OM, and kill them, one by one. (when they make the movie version, I could be played by JCVD. Thank you.)

I don't think the Angel would go for that though - so Option B.

W_A_L, you're a writer, right?


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
10yearsgone
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Member # 20771
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought this was about fake boobs. Where is option C and DD?


How Will I Laugh Tomorrow When I Can't Even Smile Today


Posts: 148 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: east coast
Kuwaited
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Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very funny 10years!!!!

I'd choose B...with one caveat. I get the kids.

As to what WW did for the OM that she didn't do for me:

No surgeries.

She always maintained a nice weight.

After rifling her...well..just about everything of hers...I found things like:

fishnet stockings, intimate wear with hearts on it, baby dolls, etc.

None of which she wore for me. None of which existed prior to the affair.


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
JoePike
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Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning gentlemen,

Interesting that so far nobody has chosen A).

For a long time I would certainly have chosen A).

I do not believe that my xW is an evil person. However, she lived a double life for so long (3+ years LTA) that she no longer knows up or down - had we both realised the slope she was on I think she could have been "saved". From the limited contact I've had with her since our D, I don't think that's the case anymore. She vacillates between the completely remorseful and open person she never was during our "R" and the "why-can't-you-just-move-on" attitude she gained post D.


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
vieweditall
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Member # 25505
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choice B would be my choice, although I would like to have the same son somehow........


I also noticed that some WW started shaving their pussies, my wife did the same thing during her affair; I guess he enjoyed that.


Posts: 66 | Registered: Sep 2009
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think my wife is evil either, Joe (though, admittedly, it's only in the last 6-9 months that I feel this way).

What I do know is that my wife is defective on enough levels that if we had addressed her issues that led up to her A (i.e., the bipolar stuff, her unsatisfactory coping methods, etc), it would have just been putting off the inevitable.

Looking back at it, my wife has so many issues from FOO to SAb to mental illness that infidelity on the scale she ultimately committed it was more or less inevitable.

I really would not want to go back with full awareness and make fixing her my life's work (as part of being married to her). The best option for me is to start from the beginning and pick someone less fundamentally broken.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think me W is evil either. Just broken. And I dont have the tools to fix her.

Even if I could fix her I doubt I would want to. Too much damage from her A to have any interest in that.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


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