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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I would class myself as technically advanced...keylogger was installed as soon as i realised i needed to get access to her email acct..access achieved the next day.

Im getting close to the end of the 7 day trial on KL #2...will try a few more, and then i will probably buy a license.

atm i am tracking KM usage of her car... i will then see if the distance traveled matches what she tells me and if there is a big discrepancy get a GPS tracker.

I record all her phone logs from the mobile...i want to get access to the paper records to compare...

sometimes i feel like im inside one fo those classic 70's-80's spy movies..


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

don't wait use a gps especially if you have a suspect for OM. It took about two weeks then I knew for sure. I had the kind that sent a near live map position to my work computer. It was orgianlly made for parents to spy on teen age drivers.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SCD, I dunno if being mellow about it really changes anything. After all it was her decision to do it, thats her deal. While yes hind site is always 20/20, and there is always stuff that could have been improved on. That still doesn't make it an excuse for her actions.

I wonder if the reason your trying to take this calmly is because your waiting on her true intentions. To see if shes being honest or playing ya. I hate to say it but if you do catch her again, which lets face it once the line is blurred its easy to cross again, shes gunna lash out that you didn't trust her.

Basically the ONLY way I have seen Marriages repaired is after the person that cheated fully owns their own shit, not blaming. I wish ya the best. We are here for ya if shit turns sour.

Markus! Holy crap man LTNS. Im glad things are looking up for ya. I agree with T2G ya havta go where the money is, ya gotta be able to support your kids. The courts being the way they look at it they are staunch on the 50 mile rule for custody of 50/50. Its just the way it is for us guys, sucks...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what i was deluded enough to think that we would be able to use a different script...

so i turns out i didnt get the whole truth last week...

I need to ammend my Sig...it should read...um 1*ONS, 1*PA/EA, 1*PA/EA, 1*EA(?PA)

the day before yesterday i was going through what she had told me, and there were a few facts that didnt add up with what was in her messages, txts etc...Then the browser history showed that she had looked at the profile page of OM#2...and to top it all off after promising that she wouldnt delete anything anymore from her webmail...i found a deleted notification from facebook that shed had a message from an old (male) friend in the US that she hasnt seen for years...i checked the actual message out and it was harmless...but what upsets me is that she felt guilty enough about it that she tried to delete it even after she had promised not to delete anything anymore.

So anyway...this time i sat her down and i laid out the law...I told her my 4 core principles...(some advice from the 20/20 thread in JFO) and made it clear that these were absolute, that if she broke them again then i would start doing what i need to do.

mine ar Honesty, NC with the OM, No Flirting/Flirtatious behaviour, and Consistent Effort from Her. I got a bunch of other boundaries but these are my core.

I told her that what i had said about taking her words at face value could no longer apply...that she now had to show through actions...

anyway So i got a bit more 'Truth' from her. I found out that my assumptions obut A2 were all wrong...I thought it was a friendshipt that developed into an EA that then got Physical..now ive been told that my wife slept with this guy (who was an friend from earlier) after only 2 weeks...how much bloody Emotion can you build up in 2 weeks?. A3 turns out to not just be an inappropriate friendship/EA but a full blown PA as well...and there is defnately a 4th EA that she arranged to meet up with once...She says there was no sex...but i cant really believe that...Unfortunately for me she started deleting some of her messages around that time, so i dont have the full history...but i now that she was pretty pissed of at him for being taken for a fool..the ony conculsion i can draw is that she slept with him too...probably in a motorway reststop and that after wards he just dropped contact...

So ive had to reasses my view of what she was getting into these relationships for...or at least what she was willing to trade with these men for what she needed...It certainly reduces my focus on any problems or distance that had developed in our marriage leading up to this...It also makes me a lot more worried about our chances for recovery.

Im fairly certain that she is still holding out on some of the details of what she has done with these guys, but there is no evidence aywhere else that there were ever any others...

I mean FFS cant we get a differnt script here... Ive read other peoples and they aint all that great...i dont wanna make that film here...its been done too many times...

I dont know if this is normal but i dont feel more hurt after finding out this additioanl stuff, at the moment what i do feel is a whole lot more sad, angry, and dissapointed than i did the other day...

Ok i/we got over bump one...lets hope the rest of the road aint like this.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was on the main Si forums but I think it deserves posting here:

http://www.theoccidentalquarterly.com/archives/vol7no2/v7no2_Devlin.pdf

This hurt but I look at it and realize a lot:

1) My wife is the issue. You can 50/50 M issue BS that everybody spews and I will call BS.

2) The relationship game I want to play care and love is not the one she plays. Lies and manipulation.

3) The only way with her I will ever get my needs met is to think she is losing me.

And in the end I say this totally sucks because this type of relationship is not what I wanted at all.

I love my kids and now I know something that has helped me more than everything.

I never was the issue. I had the wrong partner because of my shortcommings which in the sceme of things ... caring a lot is not bad at all.

With another partner who was not so damaged things would have paned out much differently.

The A did have NOTHING to do with me at all and through the A now she is incapable of being in a real relationship.

I have to live my life and minimize my involvement with her. She is bad for me as her brokeness is like a disease that I catch.

I have to play a new game ... a game I never have wanted to. I have to stand away and give her the chance to grow and become an active partner. She needs to own this relationship as much as I have.

And if she does great ... maybe we can have a better life together. If not I have some decisions to make as I embark on my new life. Do I stay and enjoy my new freedoms to be me or I leave.

Almost everybody on this thread either has made a choice or is close to this point.

And my advice to my fellow BH's here... live again!


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know if this is normal but i dont feel more hurt after finding out this additioanl stuff, at the moment what i do feel is a whole lot more sad, angry, and dissapointed than i did the other day...

Thus, the reason I always say "one A or twenty -- what is the difference?".

There is none to me. Rumor has xww at 5-6 A's -- just admitting to one ended our R/M for me.


-t2g


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to play a new game ... a game I never have wanted to. I have to stand away and give her the chance to grow and become an active partner.

Why was that not done years ago? IMHO that is a key factor in a healthy relationship.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me FEAR. I think as men we get f'd in D. I love my children. And starting D is like me in a way stabbing myself and my family.

I did the whole try hard stupid shit that so many do.

I wish I could give all men a chip to instantly 180 on d-day. I wonder how many would be in a better place?


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back here damnit! I had hoped I was done with this site forever.

My possibly WW accepted a friend request on FB from her high school bf in the beginning of October. They talk a lot on the phone and text a lot, I told her I saw all the calls and texts and I was worried (I figured being honest was a good start). From some of her FB messages I found out that she saw him once in their hometown (She was visiting her mom) and were a little flirty).

She opened a yahoo mail, and then she shaved her pubes and got really lusty. That's probably not a coincidence. She then opened a second yahoo mail that I was able to read (still working on reading the first one) adn one message said she missed him and would see him soon. Shit.

Last night she confessed to seeing him, but says she just enjoys talking about old times.

So, I'll install a keylogger tomorrow and see what it brings up. If it's as bad as I fear, I'll confront, him or me, I'm not going through this again, even if I have to live in my parents basement.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lads if nothing else...then those that are allowed should have a shot of vodka today to celebrate

Men's World Day

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men%27s_World_Day


...

I often wonder what my reaction would be and my attitude to Reconciliation if we didnt have 3 of the best darn kids ive seen.



Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonerider,

You know this already, but here's your confirmation: she's lying to you and sleeping with him.

You're not crazy. She's fucking around.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wal,

There is a chance I'm in denial, but she's acting differently this time than last time. Back in 2005, she was a major mess, weeks before D-day she was asking what I would do if she did something unforgiveable.

Maybe she's acting differently because she hasn't done it yet, or maybe because it's an old boyfriend. I should know more in a week, I did come out and tell her I was concerned, I'm trying to be upfront and honest.

She also has her therapist appointment today, maybe that will shake things up.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man Lone...

Sorry to see you back... Unfortunately you're seeing the red flags waving again...

You know the ploy... Gather the info...

To me it's the shaved pubes that give it away... My ex did the same thing...

She's probably acting different because she's convinced that this old boyfriend is "the one that got away".... She's simply learned to compartmentalize it better....

This sucks Lone...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was hoping that things had really turned around, she was really, really lusty, I thought our marriage was finally in a good place. Shit, shit, shit.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make the choice all men IMHO should do. 180 RIGHT now. Shit if you were closer to me we would be going out for beer and pool.

180 180 180.

I hate to say after the other A she has NO fear of losing you an dunfortunatley she will never appreciate you as given. She will only appreciate the loss because women know us nice guys provide so much but appreciation hell no. Only when you threaten to take it away!


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry your back under the circumstances Lonerider. Ya know the more and more I learn about FB the more I see it get used as a vehicle for people to blur the lines of boundaries of what is acceptable and whats not. What can be as a guise of "Oh its just and old friend from High school." Turns into time talking with that friend, phone calls, visits.. The looks get longer, feelings get stronger, ETC..

Thats the problem, it is so easy a slope to slide down. Its so easy to get caught up in the moment, not thinking about anyone else but 'them' right then and right now. The sudden rush of this new reignited interest in each other.

Who knows what has actually happened yet, thats why it suck you need to have to verify. But its what you have to have verifiable proof of what indeed is happening. It sucks your back in here Lonerider.. I hope its just friendly chat between them, and nothing more...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she's acting differently because she hasn't done it yet, or maybe because it's an old boyfriend.

I am going to guess that she thinks that no matter what she does, you will forgive her actions. You seem to be reasoning your way past this. Why are we always the last ones to see what our WW's are/were doing??


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are we always the last ones to see what our WW's are/were doing??

Because who wants to believe that someone they love, and says they are loved by could do something like that to us. For me that was the hardest thing to come to grips with, just the fact that WW could do this to me, after all we had been through together, and just throw it away like I was a wasted piece of gum.


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm setting up a keylogger to find out more.

I figure out I have to be upfront first, to let her know that I'm concerned.

Stay tuned.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, November 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmm...knowing what i do now...i dont think id tell my W that i was suspicious....id gather the evidence first...if you cant find any ...then you can say your triggering and are uncomfortable with what shes doing...

but telling her first...thats just like giving her a head start on covering her tracks should something be going on...

Besides at the end of the day if shes not doing anything then she has nothing to fear from your snooping around a bit...since you wont find anything ....so No Problem.

What? its an invasion of her privacy? hmm...but your married you dont need to have privacy from each other...privacy is just another word for secrets....I had to learn this the hard way....


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
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