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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But what about my fear of her going for full custody? She has agreed to shared custody

That is what lawyers are for. Request 50/50 and let the courts decide.


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, December 8th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your ex-wife already got your kingdom.

True that!!!

You got a bridge you wanna sell me, too?

If I had one...I'd sell to you. I could use the cash.


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked her, if I hadn't found out on my own, if she would have ever told me about the cheating.

She said, without any animosity (actually in a tender way), that the confession would have come when I was on my deathbed.

Huh? Like that's what I'd want to hear when taking my last breath?! Can someone explain this one?


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huh? Like that's what I'd want to hear when taking my last breath?! Can someone explain this one?

she wanted to be the last one to hurt you.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An update:

After talking with her IC, DW confessed that she had been emailing and chatting with exbf. She sent him a No Contact email, just a line saying they could not contact each other, her marriage was at stake.

She asked me to forgive her, and she realized pursuing any kind of relationship with a guy who only wanted to screw her was wrong.

She admitted to seeing him once when visiting her mom in the home, for lunch (confirmed) but that nothing ever happened. Given that she works three days a week, and he's in another city an hour away, and the EZPass hasn't indicated any trips, I don't have any reason to disbelieve her. She also said she wasn't attracted to him anymore.

I'd still like to know what she was getting out of this, and why she was willing to lie and undermine our marriage. Boredom, loneliness, nostalgia, a secret thrill, external validation, who knows?

Of course, I'll check the history, keylogger, cell phone and telephone for a while still.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huh? Like that's what I'd want to hear when taking my last breath?! Can someone explain this one?

I'm hoping she just didn't think that one through (i.e., wanted to spare you the pain for as long as humanly possible), because otherwise, that might just be the most evil thing I've heard in awhile.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonerider,

That's confusing. I feel for you. Something's terribly amiss, and not really knowing has got to be awful.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She admitted to seeing him once when visiting her mom in the home, for lunch (confirmed) but that nothing ever happened.

Of course not! And I have some beach front property in Arizona for sale!

Lonerider - how long are you willing to put up with this?


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 6:03 PM, December 9th (Wednesday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw a quote recently:


The perception of "cheating" is that its sexual or girl and guy chasing. And by all appearances it could very well be. But the truth is--its a psycological issue for men AND women. Its mostly a deep seated issue from childhood--SOMETHING that led to feelings of insecurities--no love--no dignity--emascilation--feeling unneeded--feelings of diminshed worth--abuses--SOMETHING has gotten into the brain of a person and they will go thru life with these stigmas or anger or needs for revenge---its an infantile desire to be recognized--EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS AN "IMMATURITY"---and as a further sign of immaturity--the "cheater" will either blame someone else--or cry and beg forgiveness.

They will only do it again because the root causes are TOO STRONG for them to overcome. The urge is too great. The urge would overpower the resistance. It would make no difference how happy they were with their partner at home--it would not matter about their children--the cheat would just HAVE to cheat for the satisfaction of the need that it fulfills.

It has nothing to do with them leaving a beautiful woman at home--or being bored--its the capacity to NOT say NO to the temptations. It can boost the ego--it can be exciting--it can be blind revenge--it can be feeling " wanted"--it can be reassuring to an aging male OR female with insecurities.
There is never a "sane" reason for cheating.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, December 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I now find myself raising my youngest DD all by myself -- I concur. There is no sane or logical explanation for the situation I find myself in.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t2g,

I'm drawing that conclusion from the emails I read, I think he would have mentioned having sex with her, talking about how great it was. I will ask her what she did when she met him, and I'll keep asking her what she was getting out of it.

Definitely an EA, even if it was just to get validation.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Question  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for BHs about sex and ADs.

***TMI warning***

OK, I've been on Prosac for a few months now. For the most part, I haven't noticed any side effects. Maybe a slightly reduced sexual drive...but mine is pretty high anyway.

The problem I'm having is with sex. I feel R is going OK w/ WW. I am attracted to her. I have no problems w/ ED. The weird thing is I can't seem to have an orgasim with WW. Which is strange because I have NEVER had this problem pre-A.

I don't know if it is the AD, lack of self-confidence, feelings towards WW or something else. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else has had similar issues.

Thanks!!!


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JC,

I don't have any personal experience with ADs, but a friend said he couldn't orgasm on it, and that's a pretty common side effect. Your doc may be able to prescribe something different.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crushed, I have the same issue, but no AD's-I'd guess it was the A.
I still have problems climaxing, I figger its the idea, maybe sex w/her is tainted?

sometimes I get real tired & just have to quit, w/o orgasm.
dunno why.

I never had such a problem before, usually it was coming too quickly when I was younger.

[This message edited by 64fleet at 1:49 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

two opposing thoughts on my questions

Sounds about right. I guess it could be both ADs and my "different" relationship with W. TBH, we've only had sex a few times since dday. Before I go changing meds, I think I'll give it more time.

Would welcome more responses.

Thanks!


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JC,

I dont have any experience with AD's either... but

A couple of things spring to mind. Does the self service still work? If not then id look at changing your pesription, and or seeing a specialist. If theres no direct phsical cause then it may still be a combination of phsical and emotional causes. Probably still worth talking to your doctor. the meds may still be the straw thats breaking the camels back.

And since were all fessing up, as for me, I dont have any ED issues (yet, im still youngish) but I do have the ocasional problem with finishing when using some positions...or when im trying to hard. Normally im no marathon runner. But theres one position thats got about a 50/50 chance to turn me into the friggin duracell bunny....go figure. I dont actually enjoy that, and neither does my W...but we both like the position itself....Anyways...

Dont force it... youll get your mojo back.

I would say were all rooting for you...but that would just be wrong


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD are tricky. Docs dont even know WHY they work really. So if you go on them the type of AD and the doseage have to be dialed in.

I was on Paxil 25mg. No sexual issues although it did take me a bit longer to climax. I slept allot more tho.

In the end I dropped it cold (which you are not supposed to do). Because I realized that the drug was just dulling me senses which made her A seem less important. And it should be important! I was walking around like a senseless zombie when I should have been angry as hell about her LTA.

The drug really kept me from dealing with her LTA because it dulled be down enuf that it really didnt seem important.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses.

I would say were all rooting for you...but that would just be wrong
That's funny...and yes, it probably would be wrong.

self svc. works, but...takes longer -- I think it's mostly the ADs causing my probs. Plus, a good dose of mindfuck from the A.

I guess I shouldn't complain too much...I mean the increased "stamina" can be nice. I just need to finish the job.

Again Thx


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JC - AD's + emotional issues are probably the core of the problem together.

if the AD's are working for you otherwise, perhaps ask a doc about mixing in viagra or something? maybe the extra blood flow would help with sensitivity/excitement? just a thought.

i will say this regarding the emotional issues. they get better. when me and my SO first hooked up, it was after i'd become a BH tried to R for a year w/ a WW that was only sorry she got caught and tried every trick in the manipulators handbook to not deal w/ the A. it was hell dealing with. and most of that year there was very little if any actual sex.

then i was living alone and basicly single and celibate for another year and half. my first time w/ SO, i couldn't finish. i swear i went non-stop for about 5 hours!!

had problems w/ finishing for the first few months, but as things progressed, and i got better overall emotionally, that problem went away. i really didn't feel 100% healed from the affair/divorce until I'd been w/ SO for several months and had a heaping helping of experience w/ what a relationship is really supposed to be like. at first i was actually somewhat uncomfortable with things because it was such a radical departure of what my M was like. as i got more comfortable, the problems w/ finishing went away.

so, i have a feeling that the same will be for you...your problem will go away when your other emotional issues get better.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
wewillmakeit
♂ Member
Member # 26290
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 11th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was on Lexapro - had the same exact side affect - reduced ability to climax. Got of it and the side affect went away.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
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