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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 29th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I wonder if I let fear of losing my kids or fear of destroying their lives along with the divorce make my decision for me

I suspect this is something those of us with children have all mulled over.

In the end...oddly enough, it was for the kids that I filed.

It was blindingly clear that she did not want to reconcile. She desired to keep living the life we were (as a "family") for several reasons. We were living a lie...and making the kids an integral part of it. I couldn't continue that. It was not in their best interest. It was a crap shoot to be sure. I ended up with 50/50 legal and physical custody and there was very little acrimony during the process (none that the children could readily detect).

The thing is...we have to make the decision based on our own circumstances and what we deem to be the best outcome for the kids and ourselves. We do what we have to do.

And it sucks...no matter what.


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8446 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, August 29th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, someone once called me boy, you know what I told them?

Me.....I asked 'em if they called an alligator a lizard!!!

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5782 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, August 30th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Bufffalo


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
toonice
♂ Member
Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many of you face/have faced regular contempt from your WW? I mean the type of eye-rolling, head-shaking, sighing, "you dumbshit/coward" looking type of stuff.

Oh sure.

I thought that was what a "normal" marriage was.

It's called emotional abuse - and as abuse victims, we tend to normalize it, minimize it, and get into the victim's mindset that "if I just try harder, she'll see that I'm a good husband and treat me better."

It's no different than the abused-wife syndrome we hear so much more about - except; emotional abuse probably doesn't kill nearly as many men as physical abuse kills women. Just a fact of biology. Don't kid yourselves, if your abusive wives weren't bigger and stronger, and weren't raised like boys are often raised, that she wouldn't be slapping you around instead of insulting and accusing you.

The cheating is just another weapon they use to prop up their sagging egos.

I'll say this much:
This behavior kept coming from my FWW as long as she was in denial that she had a problem. There was a point, about a year ago, a few months after d-day #2, where she finally began to admit and accept that she had a problem and needed to change. That's when her abusive treatment of me stopped. It has come back now and then, probably because it was such a habit. But nowhere near the same as it was.

When it does come back, I absolutely push back on it. Part of the problem is that as men, many of us are raised to think that men are big mean animals, and that we must take extra special effort to treat women delicately, and if there's a complaint, it's our fault.

The abuse reinforces that mindset. Being more assertive, standing up for yourself is a great way to increase the "cost" of this ego-propping behavior, and discourage them from abusing your kind nature. It's very hard. I had a habit of being "the nice guy". I based my whole personality around it. And it was just too convenient for her.

I want to say that I think that any person in an abusive relationship, whether it's physical or emotional abuse, really ought to seek therapy. Because it can have very negative, long-term effects on how we deal with people, how we choose our relationship partners, etc. These are scars that can cripple for a lifetime.


Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many of you face/have faced regular contempt from your WW?


I guess it is remorse, but I tend to look at it more as just guilt-WW has really really cut way down on this since the A, her cont'd lying, & me telling her I was done over a year ago. I even get admissions of guilt(usually later)after she has a bonehead move.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toonice,

Thanks for the input. Yes, since my tolerance level has gone down, her behavior has also improved. Simply demanding an answer as to why the sighing/eye-rolling/whatever can often end the behavior.

I'm done "trying harder" and have become more of a basic dick. Not always, but I respond more aggressively to her now. She actually responds better to that. I tried it the "nice" way for 10 years - it didn't work.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64fleet,

I have wondered if I told her it was over, would the bull-shit stop. Do I just have to say that when the time is right, we are done. Will that get her respect for good?

BTW,

Is the name after a "fleet-side" truck? I had a 63 fleetside chevy a few years back. Fun to drive.

Just sayin'.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I just have to say that when the time is right, we are done. Will that get her respect for good?


Not unless you really mean it and back it up with actions.


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9144 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my first WW filed first.
I filed first for the 2nd one. It's somethin when a cheater is outed by her own D. MY own SD!

So I've come to belee
there's a fundamental difference
tween
those that's outed and, not everyone!, but,
those that aint.
like chess. blacknwhite. you never kin know what the next move we'll be seein.

I never played 2 games ever the same, ever hear the story of the guy who bet one grain of rice for every square? when he won against the king, HE owned the king's kingdom...some kinda math to it. don't ask me. to me sometimes, 2A times 2B is STILL
abba.

( iread all the stories here and they are so full god bless us all!)


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, September 1st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS Kuwaited,
oddly enough
PPS! oh just hit the white-thingy!

blindingly,
your friend.
jj

[This message edited by jjct at 8:09 PM, September 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forward, it sure is a '64 chevy fleetside, shortbed, big window Custom cab with factory AC. I have been restoring it for about 7 yrs, but the last 2(since WW's A) I haven't done shit to it-if it has to be sold as marital property I ain't working on it, + I really have lost interest in just about everything.

I have rebuilt just about everything & the bed is in the 3rd coat of primer, block sanded between each coat-should be ready for paint.

check out "64fleetside" album on phototbucket.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T2G,

I guess that's why I haven't said it - I'm not ready to back it up like that.

64fleet,

Sounds like it has all the main features. Whatever you do, don't sell it like I did to finance another of the endless home improvement projects. Forget that. Wish I had my old ride back. Does the AC still work? How do I get to the photobucket??


Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...but the last 2(since WW's A) I haven't done shit to it-if it has to be sold as marital property I ain't working on it...

It's interesting you mention this.

I do some fiction writing on the side, and when D-day hit, I'd had one novel published through a small press and was in negotiations for a couple of others.

About a year in, I heard some blurb on TV about an author in the middle of the divorce and what percentage of his future royalties his wife was demanding and suddenly realized that the books I'd written during our marriage could be considered marital property. The value they might one day possess would have to be split with my wife, despite the fact that she hasn't even read most of them. I absolutely would not have been able to live with that.

My answer? I put them on the internet for free. She can have half of free all she wants.

And I haven't written another creative word since.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like it has all the main features. Whatever you do, don't sell it like I did to finance another of the endless home improvement projects. Forget that. Wish I had my old ride back. Does the AC still work? How do I get to the photobucket??


nah the home thing won't happen either(marital property), I may "sell" it to a good buddy to hide if we D. The A/C is rebuilt, I installed a new evaporator, updated condenser(for R134a refrigerant) new lines, etc but have yet to charge it(no windows installed yet)

should be www.photobucket.com


WAL-its amazing whta I have lost interest in since the A's came out. I found out last nite that a buddy of mine was prolly fucking her also abt 4 yrs ago.

how did I fuck up my life so badly???????



time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how did I fuck up my life so badly???????

I wonder about that all the time.

Theres always a lot of talk about the Karma Bus. So I wonder what the hell I did so as to get hit by the fucking Karma freight train.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3084 | Registered: Sep 2007
Stillpondering
♂ Member
Member # 23600
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted in the Reconciliation forum but since I'm a male BS I thought I would pose this question to other "guys" who've gone through or are going through what I am.

I found out about my wife's long ago affair a few months ago. She is very remorseful. My wife was emotionally unstable at that period in her life so I can "sort-of" see how she was vulnerable. The OM admits he aggressively pursued and even though she initially rebuffed he continued to pursue and she "gave-in". What has made it worse for me mentally are two things - it started a few months after my wife became pregnant with our first child and it ended when after having the baby my wife wanted to consummate the relationship and he said no, he couldn't do that and ended it (thats the short version).

Here's my mental dilemna. Am I being too emotionally small minded not seemingly being able to let go of this recurring hurt/question that it appears my wife was so hooked on this guy that she just couldn't or wouldn't tell him no to the point I'm left to believe she would have followed him to the ends of the earth? Several months after he ended it, he calls her at home while I'm there (I had no idea she was talking to a guy, I thought it was a female friend - only recently did I find out from her it was really him) and she tells him she misses him. Bottom line, how do you let go of an unanswerable question - ie if the guy hadn't ended it but would have pushed even farther, would your wife have left you for him?


Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2009
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder about that all the time.

Theres always a lot of talk about the Karma Bus. So I wonder what the hell I did so as to get hit by the fucking Karma freight train.


I guess I was one of the guys nailing Jesus to the cross in a former lifetime.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillpondering, that's a tough one. I - like you - didn't find out about any of my wife's A's until many years after the fact. By then, the OM were all long gone. She claims she never pined over them or missed then in any way. For her, it was strictly quicky sex. Like your wife, my wife had many issues, including being a SAb survivor. SAb survivors are often predisposed to involvment inappropriate or risky sex.

I guess I am fortunate that she never pursued a lasting relationship with any of these guys. That would have been very tough for me to deal with. I don't think you're being small minded at all. How long's it been since her A with this guy ended?


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The issue that you're facing isn't tremendously different than that of guys who bust their wives and the wife continues to break NC.

At some point, they say they're committed *now*, and you have to decide what to do with that.

Here's what I know: It makes a big difference in the long haul. When push comes to shove, your wife has never, ever shown you that left to make the right decision, she will...that left to decide between the marriage and her own selfish shit, she will choose the marriage. Instead, after D-day, they choose the marriage by default.

I don't know that there's any value in extending trust beyond that, beyond assuming that they're incapable of making the right choice if they find themselves right up against it again. Not running out and fucking other people at every opportunity isn't proof that they've fixed anything. It just means they've succumbed to relationship inertia, not that they'd actively resist temptation.

But I am largely the wrong guy to ask questions like this, because I'm a firm believer that most WW's never change, never fix themselves...they just lose their opportunity when they're busted or the OM walks away and are thereafter terrified of being branded a slut by everyone they know for having more than one affair.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Stillpondering
♂ Member
Member # 23600
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tputer - the affair ended a long time ago in 1995. I just found out about it (or more appropriately finally had something peak my curiosity to the point I finally pushed her hard enough to finally tell me about it) earlier this year.

I'm pretty sure there was no sex - it was the step of crossing to sex when he ended it. In the meantime, he played a pregnant woman for all it was worth. Basically encourages her to continue down a path where if I would have found out back then the chances of our divorce would have been quite high - and I would have likely won custody of our son and she would have lost custody to her ex-husband of her then 3 year old daughter who was living with us. She was living on emotion and the OM was using her for all it was worth up to the point of not being able to cross a line he had created for himself.

But he is the one who ended it. She will say that they both ended it but it was him who said no to sex, him who subsequently asked her to go for a drive at a later meeting so they could confirm they had made the right decision and when he called her a couple of months later it was her telling him she missed him (in response to him saying it first). Bottom line is she was never able to tell him "no" - was just lead around by the nose. So, again the question I can't seem to let go of and am seeking some advice for or a hard kick in the pants is - how do you let something like that go and move on with life. It should be simple I know because we've stayed married for another 14 years after this ended. I pray about it all the time but it doesn't seem to go away. Did my wife really choose me or is she with me because I was the fall back option and when Mr. Wonderful told her this has to end because its no longer just fun for you - you want to go further than I do....


Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2009
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