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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, December 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ad's and me always seem to have ill effects. For one it so increases the dark ill thoughts, and the sexual side effects really suck, just kills everything.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody else here feel they were just painted black by WW and kinda thats it. You will always be the horrible person they made you out to be when you know you are a good guy?

Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LC, that feeling is because you still believe her affair had something to do with you. It had absolutely noting to do with you. She didn't paint you black, or make you a horrible person, she didn't even give you a moments thought. It was all about her!! She didn't give a shit about you, or the OM, or the man on the moon; all she cared about was her!!


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Just Crushed
♂ Member
Member # 24852
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again for your responses...they really helped.

Re: Jimi and LC

I've been dealing with this for 6 months and I still can't seem to allow myselft to believe I am not at least partially to blame. Yes, I know this way of thinking is a big "no-no" here, but I can't help the way I feel *sigh*


BH
*details in Profile*

Posts: 843 | Registered: Jul 2009
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anybody else here feel they were just painted black by WW and kinda thats it. You will always be the horrible person they made you out to be when you know you are a good guy?

Painted every color of the rainbow by her, and she can think that's it if she wants but it has no bearing on how I see myself, I know I'm a good guy, better than her fucking loser ass cheatin' self if nothing else. The fact that I stayed faithful to her alone is enough to move me up twenty steps above her in my book.

I can't worry about how people who don't know me view me, if they have ever been told my STBXW's version of me and take the time to find out for them selves, they will see what a liar she is.

You don't have to let her define you.


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
Buzz09
♂ Member
Member # 25971
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jimi & lingerdog - Excellent points...I just wish that I could get there. I feel the same way as just crushed does.


Me BH 40
WW 41

Posts: 648 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: buzz09
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Buzz, you'll get there, we all just have to go at our own pace. I was there, thinking about all the things I did wrong as a husband, heck if someone says something about it to me and it's something true, I'll just say, yep, I didn't cut the grass as often as she would have liked, but at least I wasn't a cheatin' ass whore, at least I did understand my wedding vows.

The ones that used to bother me though were the lies, that I verbally abused her, that I yelled and screamed at her, heck that I didn't love her. I would start to question how she could see things this way, especially about me not loving her, heck I wasn't the one that cheated, if I didn't love her then why wasn't I the one that was cheating?

We just have to remember that this isn't about us, it's about them, and any lies they tell against us are further proof that they know how fucked up they are, if not, why would they have to lie? They need to feel good about themselves and because of unhealthy coping mechanisms, the only way they have left to feel good about themselves is to make others appear to be less than they are.

Heck, I'm curious as to how many of these twisted individuals actually believe that by cheating their BS will then prove how much they love them giving the validation they were so desperately seeking outside the marriage.


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heck, I'm curious as to how many of these twisted individuals actually believe that by cheating their BS will then prove how much they love them giving the validation they were so desperately seeking outside the marriage.

They didn't think they would get caught. Once they did they are looking for an escape route, and tag your it. Simply put they are acting like children. They didn't think it would effect ya much because you were a distant memory when they had that new found toy. Once they are caught red handed they go looking for excuses.

The scary part is they all do the fricking exact same thing. I can totally tell the look, the blame, the lack of any personal responsibility. First fiancée, my XWW, my last fiancée. Damnit now I should be TriceTorn..

The common denominator besides me, is that they all were SAB in their childhoods. Also they never dealt with it, because to them its not a problem.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xww didn't just paint me... she demonizes me with the blame shift rewrite of history.

Even when I am civil and nice she somehow believes it is evil and tells me so. It used to make me angry... which made me react "demonic"

I don't react anymore. That makes her even more angry.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't b;ame me and in a way I do not care what my WW thinks of me. It is distorted anyways.

What disturbs me about it I am still with her for DD. But I cannot connect or R in a real way even if I wanted to.

My wife is a mess even minus the LTA and is incapable of opening up.

I do not know I am so confused even two years out and this is just one piece of the puzzle.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
Hurting_Truth
♂ Member
Member # 23587
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostcause111
I was diffinitely painted black and still am. I'm the one that needs to change...lol.

The truth is they have to paint us black to justify what they have done. In reality we are twice the man that thier OP was.

When I confronted him about thier relationship he said he didnt commit adultry because she came to him...lol. He threw her under the bus and directed all fault to her alone. Real classy guy.

The ongoing problem is our WW wanting to control us through derogatories and guilt laden manipulations.

When they use this type of manipulation they are seeking to control every area of our lives. They magnify the supposed negatives. The focus is on any of our supposed weakness of character.

In this manner they have turned what originally attracted them to us into a repellant.

Thier heads are messed up simple and true.


Freedom is just another word for - Nothing Left to Lose..borrowed from yewtree
mstbx has already given everything away there is nothing left for me to lose.

Posts: 278 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Their heads are messed up simple and true.

Understatement of the century.

I don't react anymore. That makes her even more angry


Ditto! At one point in the midst of a vapid text storm, my brother who was with my at the time said, "stop trying to reason with insanity - doing so will drive you insane". He was right. From that point forward I did not respond to her vitriol sent via text messages. Once I stopped responding, she stopped sending them.

The common denominator besides me, is that they all were SAB in their childhoods. Also they never dealt with it, because to them its not a problem.

TT - do you really believe that claim to be true? Is there really that many SAB IRL? Or maybe just an excuse?


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thyme, my xw is sab. I did not find out till knew her for over 25 years. It apparently causes some to act out sexually.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WW says there was SA when she was young, but I dunno whether to believe her or not-to be honest I think its another excuse to blame someone else.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes T2G, it is very much true...

With a ton of research backing it up.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1401228/

Or in the healing library here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/abuse.asp

There are many more sites if ya google it.

In my XWW case she was sexually abused by both her cousin, and her father from the time she was 5 to 12 years old. All her sisters were also. The only way I found out this info was after I already filed for D. From her sister that disowned the family and had been in therapy for years.

I can pick up the coping mechanisms. I knew my ex-fiancée was, but I was lead to believe that she already addressed the issue. But unfortunately, I don't think she really did, she just buried it.

Heres some good reading on the coping mechanisms.

http://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1027&context=psychfacpub

The livestrong article puts it all together:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/13941-sexual-abuse-and-incest/

Yes its a big problem T2G and its not an excuse..


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes its a big problem T2G and its not an excuse..

I am not saying it is not a problem. My xw claimed the same issue. My question is why after 20+ years of M did she use that a reason to have an A?? Rarely if ever did she even mention or want to discuss the topic.

Once I caught her on Dday that was her big Trump card -- that she never felt connected to me and she doubted she would ever feel connected to any man. Must be why she is now dating a boy who is the same age as our oldest DD (24yo).

Again I ask -- What does SAB have to do with having A's? Such a claim must be insulting to those SAB survivors that do not have A's.


I guess I will never understand the logic.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once I caught her on Dday that was her big Trump card -- that she never felt connected to me and she doubted she would ever feel connected to any man. Must be why she is now dating a boy who is the same age as our oldest DD (24yo).

She was actually being honest, that type of response is common of SAB. The lack of connection. Did you read any of those links I posted?

Again I ask -- What does SAB have to do with having A's? Such a claim must be insulting to those SAB survivors that do not have A's.


No thats not near how I wrote it at anytime... Cause and effect.. SAB = cause, A = Effect. It in no way says since your SAB your going to cheat, but it can be an effect. Just like eating disorders, depression, sexual dysfunction, and so many more are effects. They aren't a check list, they are effects.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was actually being honest, that type of response is common of SAB. The lack of connection.

After 22 years of a seemingly wonderful M and only after getting caught red-handed on Dday -- how convenient.

I will check out your links later tonight when I have more time.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there can be a trigger to these things with SAB, something happens that puts them back to that time in their life, and they act out in unhealthy ways. They have twisted sexual identities and though they me repressed for some time, I think a trigger can bring them back up, all the feelings of being worthless and they act in a way that proves they are what they think.

And saying that, none of it excuses, or works as an excuse for me, there are healthy outlets to deal with SAB, the fact that they didn't choose them shows that on top of the SAB, they have those selfishness issues so many WS's seem to have that allow them to think it's okay for them to do it. But that's just my opinion.


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty much lingerdog on the first part. They developed the coping mechanism to protect themselves during the time of the abuse. The problem is this survival coping mechanism works at the time of the abuse, its not a healthy coping mechanism in adulthood. If left untreated it can develop into a number of mental health disorders.

One of the coping mechanisms is compartmentalization. They shove the pain or event into a box in their mind and shove it to the back. The problem is a number of things can trigger this repressed event.


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
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