Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, December 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. Alot of this started a long time ago when I started getting real serious about genealogy. It seems that most of the men in my direct line rarly made it past 55, mostly cancer.

Anyway, planted those thoughts many years back. And yet my lifestyle is so very different from them. I don't smoke or drink. I am somewhat active. I don't feel like I am at the checkout stage quite yet.

It was just so interesting to have reached one of the points on a timeline that has been around awhile.

Anyway, Thanks guys, been a tough year, looking forward to the next one hoping to see better times.

Merry Christmas guys.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas, bros!


-t2g

PS - hang in here hurts!


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas, ya'll.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
ForwardProgress?
♂ Member
Member # 24759
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas to everyone here. To any newbies, I hope you find some peace soon. My DDay was 12/2/08 and I remember how difficult it made the holidays. It will get better and you will get tougher.

Thanks to you men who helped make my life better this year. I am grateful for your advice and willingness to listen. The SI guys made a big difference.

FP


Posts: 242 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: SW, USA
scipio
♂ New Member
Member # 26899
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read through a lot of these, and it makes me wonder how much of my wife's affair is a symptom of larger problems.

I wanted to blame myself at first, because I think that I could be a better husband, but I know that's bullshit, at least mostly.

At the same time, I see all kinds of other signs that she's not 100% stable: No self-esteem, afraid of being rejected, alone, etc, that I think we need more than just an MC, we need to get her and myself (other issues) into more regular therapy.

There's no excusing the AF, but I'd like to explore those other aspects and see if we can both come out of this with a more complete healing.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2009
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to thread scipio.

My first reaction is, was she Sexually Abused growing up?


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome to all merry christmas!
i'm pissed off at this privacy thing that keeps resurfacing here again and again. of all the ppl on here, it seems, we men take accusations to heart, even false ones. we try and we try and we try to see it, going through all sorts of contortions to examine it to see if it's really true but it is not it is not.

I learned at SI it's called secrets.
For that and so much more - thanks SI


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
scipio
♂ New Member
Member # 26899
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first reaction is, was she Sexually Abused growing up?

That hasn't come up in discussion, but I'll add it to the list.

Some of it might be cultural, women in her society (Indonesian) tend to be less valued than men.

We also run into issues with things like, "you don't make me feel beautiful because you're my husband, you're supposed to compliment me."

Because of this, she seeks out compliments and praise from people who aren't apparently obligated to be nice. In our case, one guy in particular just got closer and closer.

This is where I'm hoping therapy can come into play, because even if I can succeed in separating her from this guy, the issues that allowed it to happen are going to still be around.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2009
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Belated Birthday Hurts! I think the non drinking and smoking will make ya alot longer. Its crazy the amount of stuff thats linked to both of those. Hope ya'all have a great Christmas!


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Relief
♂ Member
Member # 21989
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, December 31st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 15 months out. It has been terrible. Is rollercoaster really the word for what has been going on? Frog in a blender perhaps?
At this time thru time and reading here I am at a spot in time that I can somewhat intellectulize her A. But emotionally and daily gut checks continue to cause me pain and anger.
These days I seem to be consumed with anger over her lies and the trickle truth at the beginning and for some facts that I STILL cannot accept as the truth.
Also, and this is big, I can't get the mind movies and visions from my mind!!!

Every day. Every day the visions come and go. It is just so hard for me to take!!!! I can see every move she might make. I have seen her with me so I KNOW what he saw too. I can see all the details...the sweat, the saliva, the moving hips, her hands on that mutherfuckers body, her mouth on his body, him in her mouth. I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND and it seems to be a barrier to any real progress. I feel that we are doomed as a couple and as a family. I hurts me so bad.
Tell me men...how does this stop. She will ask "what can I do to help?" and I say make the visions go away.
She will say "I can't" and then I say. Exactly......


Posts: 122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Chicago
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, December 31st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is they pass. In time. Every one say in time things get better.

In truth they improve some. Mind movies fade. The lies. Every thing fades. But never goes away. You sense of self improves. Every thing improves BUT never reaches back to what it was. And certainly will never be what it could have been.

Out side of M you can improve you self. YOU can get better. Better even than you were before. More fit. More educated. Smarter. But there will all ways be that scar. The M will never be what it was or could have been. Many of us have trust issues not just with our WW but with every one.

For now all you can do is grit you teeth and hang on. Know that things will improve. In time.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, December 31st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny thing those mind movies. But you know what? We control them! You control your mind movies. Try this exercise below I had emailed to me shortly after Dday as I found it to help me immensely. You really do have control.

Changing Your Vision: A Visulization for Overcoming
Obsessive Images

Take some time now to lay back and relax. Take a few
deep breaths and feel your body unwind.

As you do so, consciously, intentionally bring the image
that you have been struggling with most to mind. Look at
it in as much detail as you can. Hear the sounds and see the
images that appear in your image as if they are happening
right now in this moment.

Once you have the image firmly in mind try thinking about this
as though it were a videotape or a DVD. Imagine that you can
alter the image any way you choose to.

Keeping in mind that you can alter this scene any way you like,
take your image and play it in reverse. Imagine that
you hit the rewind button on your VCR or DVD player
and you are now watching your image as it hums along in reverse.

Once you have done this, press play again and allow the
image to play out the way it was before you hit the rewind button.

Now see if you can alter the physical appearance of the image.
Try and change the size and shape of the people and objects in
the image. Try seeing it as though it were tinted in a different hue.
Perhaps you can make the whole image blue or green or pink.

Once you have done this try looking at your scene from different
perspectives. Try seeing it from high above as though you were
looking at it from a bird's eye. Then try and look at it from
below as though you were a bug watching the scene.

Finally come up with some ways of your own to manipulate the
scene. You may try adding a soundtrack to your videotape if
there isn't one playing, or getting rid of the soundtrack if there
is one playing. You could think about different scents in the room
and alter them as well.

Do anything you can think of with this image. You may even want
to make the people in it look like Mickey Mouse or Donald
Duck.

As you do this realize that this image is completely under your
control. The image occurs inside your mind and you can alter it
any way you choose to. It is in fact your image. You have the
power to change it if you wish to.

Once you are satisfied that you can alter the image at your whim,
bring yourself back to the present moment and see whether or
not you feel a difference in your emotional state.

Most people find a sense of freedom and relief once they realize
they are able to control the images they have been suffering with.
Learning that you are in control of your mind can be a powerful
experience.

Dr. Frank Gunzburg Ph.D., P.A.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 3rd (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the post T2G. I can definitely relate to why it's important.

Just wanted to raise a hand and say hi to you guys... I'm sure you've seen me in other forums but this thread has been important to me, even if I'm only a reader. I've been through this circus twice now, knowing that other regular guys have had it happen to them helps a lot when I'm at a low point.

I'm still dealing with my current problems but I feel more in control than I did even a few weeks ago. Instead of being a passive passenger I've learned to step up more and actively push for what I need, and be prepared to move on if I don't get that. It has changed the dynamic of things significantly and I think it has been better both for me and my SO in terms of breaking us out of a very painful place.

For many guys the reaction to learning about a situation is to be understanding / patient / stable... in some ways that is a very negative position to take and I wish I had learned that earlier. You have to fight for what you need.


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Guys,

Ive been offline over the holidays, but ive got a few minutes now and i thougt id check in. I managed to get through my first Xmas and New Years after DDay reasonably well. No bustups in front of any family....From the outside we probably still looked like happy families.

How did your holidays go ... anything you want to forget, anything your proud about getting through?

The last couple of days however havent been great. After bottling things up ive been releasing, Ive been crying whenever i start thinking about my WW A's and what our future will be like. At her request i took the A topic of the discussion table leading up to the holidays, and she hasnt initiated a discuion on it herself at all. She also hasnt followed through on a few of the things she said she would, Its starting to cause doubts in me. I know that she isnt seing anyone, its doubts about how much work she is willing to put into R and into uncovering the core issues that led her down this path in the first place.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sour. You WW is doing typical WW stuff. You took the A off the discussion table over the holidays. Off the discussion table is right where WW want the A to be and to remain.

If you dont talk about it then to them it never happened. They can merryly go about they life like nothing happened. They got a vacation from the real world and now its over and they want you to just shut up about it. Get over it. For get about it because it is in the *past*.

But that dont work. You need to talk about it and she needs to deal with it. Or she will do it again. Believe me in this. I know all to well.

And when you bring it up the bad feelings that come from that are *all your fault*. What WS fail to realize is that *talking about it* doesnt make the bad feelings. What makes the bad feelings and the pain is what they *did*.

Some how in some way you have to get the talking going again.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor is dead on target.

If a why is not developed and a why wouldn't it happen again how can your trust her?

Part two are your needs really being met? For many of us when the rosey glasses come off you relaize your WS has given so much less to the M than you. You awaken to needs that are reasonable in a good relationship. If they fail to get met why wouldn't you cheat BTW not at all saying you would.

I have tried the stiffle and forget. All I get is resentment built inside of me that explodes.

Quit worrying abou runining the day pretending hunky dorry. Express yourself.

I am not saying do not have a good time at times at let stuff go. You must toi restore connection and heck who doesnt want to have a good time.

But you need to do both. Have good times and deal with the A.

You will never R correctly if you do not.

I am over two years out and realize good times and A discussion at this point MUST occur. R is not all roses till VERY far out when the message the affair sent is changed and you have learned trust and dedication from your WS again.


Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey SCD, my WW just wants to sweep it under the rug also-if you don't talk about it, it never really happened.

I got tired of the "i don't know" & "nothing happened", & finally dropped it welloevr a yr ago, & I am healing on my own just fine-but I no longer give a shit abt her or this M, it is simply a business agreement to raise kids.

In a way it is liberating. I
dunno why I had bought into this bullshit of M as "us against the world" or "we are a team", but once you realize it is just what it is, its not bad. I no longer have to tell her I'm going somewhere, I no longer worry where she is(don't care), I no longer buy cards/flowers etc, we ignore anniversaries etc

for a guy it works out OK, I guess.

sometimes now I wonder if this was planned by her all along, just to get half my house/cars etc.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64fleet- I assume since you are taking a logical, imo "long view" of your life and marriage you probably profit from taking a "long view" of property accumulation and probable splits. Being ready when it is time will be its own reward.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh yeah, I'll be ready.
my ducks are already lining up.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, January 5th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For many guys the reaction to learning about a situation is to be understanding / patient / stable... in some ways that is a very negative position to take

...it seems to be our nature, that's what i was saying about contortions, really, it seems we do the work,
that is why I don't buy any bit of the M...the big M...the MARRIAGE...
being the culprit in this,

ohhh! they want to make it so!
ANYTHING, to take the focus offathem! How bout a new math? like, I was invested in this M...one thousand percent?
(she knew me when I was going through MY FIRST WIFE'S A!)

It is true in my case at least, the partner who cheated had the LEAST invested in the M. (thank you Shirley!)

[This message edited by jjct at 8:07 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.