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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
dirk pitt
♂ Member
Member # 22167
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, January 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL, I am happy for you and your W, sounds very promising.

JC, I have never felt so needy and emotional. I never wanted to get in touch with my female side this way, and it is driving me crazy.

99 is she seeing this guy, or just running into this guy.
My W works with the om, but if I had any idea to think she was seeing, him, I would be talking to the lawyer.


Me=BS
Her=WW (ilovemyhusband)

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: ottawa ontario
wiserinsocal
♂ Member
Member # 18487
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 12th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As an FYI, I'm taking a brief hiatus while my wife gets established. Not absent, just lurking.

Wal,
I wondered where you went to.

I hope the best to you and would like to to say "thank you" for you replies on my postings...

Peace,
W


"It's the intangibles that are fragile"- WiserinSoCal

"The Main things are the plain things, and the Plain things are the main things" - Alistair Begg

Every one needs to believe in something, or they will fall for anything...


Posts: 1799 | Registered: Mar 2008
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP

She is going to NY for work (yes, I know that is real, I know her biz.) But she is going to see him in person. She told us in MC it's to try to put a proper end to it and move on but I don't really believe that, or at least I have no faith in that. Either way she has said she will make a decision about either NC with me or moving on as part of getting the "space" of taking this trip.

She is saying all the right things in theory about being ready to be with me but says she can't feel like a gun is being put to her head when she is choosing to go back into the relationship and move on (that gun being my unwillingness to accept anything but NC.) So she has asked for some time to decide if she can really do NC or not, because before this she has agreed to NC out of fear of losing me but then been unable to maintain it.

I am putting faith in her and in the MC that this is really my only option short of leaving but the only way I can handle it is to essentially act as if she doesn't exist until maybe she decides to come back and play this thing out for real. Basically a mutually-agreed 180. I guess I can do one more week but it is going to be very hard for me - I am taking her off my IM lists, etc so that I won't have to face seeing her pop up online, etc.


There really isn't much worse than reading another man's messages to the woman you love. I can't believe I've had that experience with two different relationships now. This guy is obsessive, narcissistic and doesn't go away, when she tries to NC he just probes and probes until finally she gives in an replies to him.

[This message edited by mnhttn99 at 1:41 AM, January 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mnhtnn99,

I dont know about the other lads here, but id have a real problem if my wife wanted to 'put a proper end to it' in person. But then i guess your gut is screaming loud enough at you about this anyway. Keep up with the 180, Stay strong, and enforce your personal boundaries....i know...easyier said than done.

I feel like My WW is still wallowing in her self pitty. A few days ago i wrote about my need to start discussing the A details again after shelving it over the holiday season. So the night before last i told her that i would like her to write out another timeline since the last one was full of lies...and that after that id have a number of specific questions to ask. I didnt set a deadline for the timeline i did however say that id like for her to tell me in the next couple of days when she would be able to have it done for me.

This request was enough to make her contact our MC the next day while i was at work. when i got home that evening she was shaking and crying and told me that she had called the MC and that she wanted to talk about it at the next MC session.

Its really starting to take a toll on me that she doesnt seem to be able to bring herself to take the leap of faith required to be open with both herself and me about what happened.

I know at the next MC session im going to have to justify why i need to know details about the A. It would be really great to hear from you gus why you need to know, it might help me formulate what im going to say better. Why do you think we have this need to know?

[This message edited by SourCherryDrops at 3:55 AM, January 13th (Wednesday)]


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SCD
I've been reading your posts for a while in the R forum. It seems to me that things were going ok with you and your ww. But something been gnawing at me about a post you wrote a few days ago about an incident that happen on NYD. When she went out for a smoke w/a friend, and you looked for her and couldn't find her.....then she comes back 40 minutes later. Your reaction was exactly like I would have reacted. Was everything resolved with that incident? That's a long time standing in line to take a piss... if you ask me. Was this the biggining of the need to know "the details" again?

PS. Where did the fortune cookie come from?


Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Toby,

Yeah things were going ok, But i was also not bringing up the A topic.

Were now only 3 months out from DDay we havent really talked about A details at all in the last 2 months. Instead we talk about our relationship now, how we can improve it.

I had told her when i agreed to shelve it for a while that i would need to come back to it. I dont think the desire to get back to the details is driven by what happened on New Years.But raather since the presure of the holidays is over. Ive also allowed myself to start feeling the pain a little more now im not having to wear my happy face all the time.

After thinking about the NY eve event i think i reacted so strongly because it brought up feelings that she didnt think about me at all...she didnt stop to think how i would feel....As for the actual event itself...she says she waited in the loo for 30 mins...im sure that it was more like 20mins outside in the smoking area and 20 mins in the loo. But there is no suggestion that anything untoward happend. I whole heartedly believe and have verified to the best of my abilites that my wife has NC with the OM and that she has not been fishing since.


I have to say that in some ways im torn about her reaction to my request. On one hand i understand that going back over the details is very traumatic for her, but on the other hand i cant stp having these nagging thoughts that perhapes her reaction is a way to try and avoid having to do it at all. Then there are also the small darker doubts that say things like, perhapes she doesnt want to volunteer any information so that she doesnt inadvertantly admit to further transgressions, further lies....or that what i currently know isnt the real truth at all...those voices are very small and i dont believe them, but everytime she stonewalls they get a little louder.

From everything ive read here on SI and in the books im reading discussing the details of her A's to my satisfaction is a necessary step for both of us to heal and recover from her infidelity. But what i do know is that there are things that i just need to know. And id prefer that she told me them in her own words unprompted by my questioning.

I need to know so that i can try and understand what happened, understand how it happened, and maybe eventually why it happened. Knowing this will hopefully give me some control over that time. It may even help keep me vigilant to warning signs in the future....I cannnot answer the questions my self....and only knowing the answer stopps me from asking myself over and over again.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to know so that i can try and understand what happened, understand how it happened, and maybe eventually why it happened.

Like trying to put a million piece puzzle together......with her withholding half the pieces.

She needs to relinquish said pieces first.......That should be her first step. Her second step would be to assemble the puzzle herself.


Posts: 1493 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
lostcause111
♂ Member
Member # 19109
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys.

WOW WAL. Your whole thing is inspiring 3 years out things can change.

And to me it points to one thing that is so true. You cannot take the journey alone. Glad the your are here Mrs WAL.

SourCherryDrops

You are right were I was a few months ago and I am a good ways out. Let me offer some advice take it or not.

You do not need to explain or justify ANYTHING. When you do this you are showing weakness and that you do not believe in yourself. I honestly do not give a damn what my MC or wife thinks about me getting over it whatever. I am not selling a car and not only that I BELIEVE IN MY FEELINGS AND I AM NOW LISTENING TO ME.

You need to know because you need to know. Those hanging issues need to be confronted. Screw keeping the peace if you have issues.

Whose peace has it been anyways?



Posts: 934 | Registered: Apr 2008
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toby,

the josephs letter metaphor just works so well. but i do like your extension about the steps. That after relinquishing the pieces to the puzzle the best next step is to assemble it for me.

lostcause,

your making sense again I know at the end of the day that because i ask her to should be justification enough. However im not the most eloquent man, and sometimes hearing how others formulate their answers to the same question also brings clarity to your own thoughts. I want to be prepared to explain why i need to know. I dont really care if MC understands why, or if he agrees or disagrees with my need to know. i dont think it even matters if my WW really understands why i need to know...as long as she is willing to provide the timeline and answer my questions. of course id hope that both she and MC understands why its important to me, and that they agree that it must be done.

I have yet to figure out what i shall do if she simply refuses to do the timeline...


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sour.

You need to know the details simply and just because you do need to know them. That should be reason enuf. If you MC resists get another MC.

You need to know WHAT you are forgiving. You need to know the extent of the A. The physical aspects AND the emotional aspects because they affect the level of commitment you WW REALLY has for you. Learning these things will tell you how much she is really committed to you and the M.

Getting details. All of the details you need. AND having available ALL the details should you want them later. IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.

Yes. Hearing them will hurt you. But seeing you hurt will have a effect on you WW. If she has any shred of empathy. It will soil the happy memories of OM for her. So her telling is as important for her as it is for you.

99.

She is going to NY for work (yes, I know that is real, I know her biz.) But she is going to see him in person. She told us in MC it's to try to put a proper end to it and move on but I don't really believe that, or at least I have no faith in that. Either way she has said she will make a decision about either NC with me or moving on as part of getting the "space" of taking this trip.

Major red flag here. The red flag is on fire.

Did you MC agree with this? What did the MC say about it? This is total pig shit.

I am sorry to say this but it will end up being just another booty call for them both. Believe me. BTDT. If there was one thing I could change it would be allowing this to happen between OM and me WW. This will not put a end to the A. This will not make it clear for her which of you to *choose*. This will only keep her on the fence longer. Because why should she choose either of you when she can have both.

try to put a proper end to it

NO FUCKING WAY.

And she does not want you *forcing her* to decide? PIG SHIT TO THAT. SHE DOES NOT GET TO DECIDE. YOU DO.

Listen to me carefully. The thing we BS (men and women) most regret is being a *door mat* right after Dday and letting our WS wipe their feet on us. This is a HUGE mistake. You are allowing her to degrade and humiliate you. Later IF you do decide to R. You will regret this allways.

I was in a similar place as you. I allowed what you are about to allow.

If I could do it over again. I would tell her to pack ALL her shit because she is not coming back home. I would change the frigging locks. I would file D papers and have them delivered while she is visiting the OM. Any thing that she did not take I would either burn or donate to charity.

I am really serious. This is a big big big mistake. Do NOT let her do this. This will hurt you for the rest of you life.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3044 | Registered: Sep 2007
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it may be horse shit. But the thing is, I've reached a point already where if she kept behaving like she was, I was throwing her out (and have tried to do so a couple of times.) So if she goes, and she can't find in it in herself to commit to NC when she comes back, I'm in the same place I'd be anyway.

It's really sad, but I've been through enough of this that I just don't care. It used to be if she was off in NY, I couldn't sleep all night worrying. Last night, I slept just fine - I'm just at that point where I've come to accept it might work out, it might not, but I'm not going to burn emotional energy on it for now.


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night, I slept just fine - I'm just at that point where I've come to accept it might work out, it might not, but I'm not going to burn emotional energy on it for now.

Bro - you need to get your self out of limbo-land.

Ending it in person would not be tolerated personally. I would pack it in right then.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9143 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mnhttn,

I think we go to limbo land as t2g calls it to protect ourselves. In limbo land the crap doesnt hurt. But unless you can stay in your limbo land forever one day you might as razor says end up regreting it.

a good NC email is all thats required. Ending in person smacks of "one last taste to see which flavour to order" to me.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's sent several good NC emails. I've been there when she sent them.

What he does is get outraged, say she's shit, then a few hours sends an apology. Then he probes with little messages "Are you ok?", etc to her phone, facebook, etc for days until she has a weak moment and engages him.

Unfortunately he seems to border on the obsessive. He doesn't believe NC emails because he thinks I'm coercing her into them. He can't believe that she would ever choose to be with someone else. Even she now feels threatened by it because she finds it scary that someone could feel this way after such a short time.

She has this hope that if she tells him in person it's over, he'll believe it. We both have said that's probably not going to happen but she said at that point she would feel no more obligation at all to deal with him if he can't "get it" and move on.

The MC said exactly what I had said - that total NC is a must, that there is absolutely no way she can be "friends" with this person if she wants the relationship. Also that she must open all her accounts, phone etc (which we already had done) and bring any messages to me, rather than hiding them. She agreed with this but like I said has said she needs to feel like she is re-entering the relationship willingly and not because of a crisis where once it has faded, she reneges.

After MC she opened her phone and found a message from him, and immediately told me and showed me the message. It was the first time she has done that - brought a message to me rather than just trying to ignore it - and I think it was at least a baby step in the right direction.

But like I said earlier, at this point I'm not doing any more hoping - the only thing I will respond to is material action and investment by her.

[This message edited by mnhttn99 at 1:44 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99.
You just broke my bull shit meter. This is what broke the upper limit peg.

She has this hope that if she tells him in person it's over, he'll believe it. We both have said that's probably not going to happen but she said at that point she would feel no more obligation at all to deal with him if he can't "get it" and move on.

I am sorry. I really am. BUT I have been there done that. I have seen so many other BS in this same spot and do the same thing. NOT ONCE was it the truth. NOT ONCE did it turn out as any thing other than a booty call.

One last roll for the sake of all the old times.

This makes me sick.

And there is no *might* in

one day you might as razor says end up regreting it.

I strongly believe you WILL regret this. And regret it deeply. And for that I am sorry. Sadly tho we all have to make the errors we must in order to learn the lessons that lay before us.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3044 | Registered: Sep 2007
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

I'm taking the position that what you said is _exactly_ what I expect, and anything else is upside. My exact comment to the MC was "I feel like I'm doing everything short of buying them a hotel room."

I can't stop her from going, I'm not quite ready to really walk emotionally (but I'm about as close as you can get, so it doesn't take much at all to push me over), so the only thing I'm left with is take the attitude that things are over, work on moving on with my life and if she decides to get back in line, then I can consider my options and whether I want to work on the relationship.

Will I regret it? No. I only regret things I have control over. I might regret even pretending that there's any hope for this relationship, but I'm not going to regret an action that she took against my wishes any more than I'd regret the original affair.

[This message edited by mnhttn99 at 3:52 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
LeftHanging51
♂ Member
Member # 13826
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been quite a while since I've posted here.

After 16 months of separation (October 2007 - March 2009) due to WW's affair, she moved back in with me. July 4, 2009 I learned that there was still something going on. Two days later I started a divorce. We go to court in a few weeks to wrap things up.

Having been a member of this "club" for the last 3 years and gone through all of the ups and downs that come with a spouse's infidelity, I am glad that I didn't allow myself to continue to be a victim. I see many men hang on to their cheating wives for years for a variety of reasons. To each his own.

I'm divorcing her not to punish her, but because it is something I'm doing for me. I don't need the lies and deception in my life.

I would like to think that I've 'survived' her infidelity and put it behind me. Given the fact that I'm going to be single again and my whole life has been turned upside down because of her behavior, the better description may be that I've "evolved" beyond her infidelity.

So, life goes on. I've chosen my path and can't look back.


D-Day #1: 2/07
D-Day #2, #3, #4,....too many to count
Me (BS): 54
WW: 57
Married 8/05 (2d marriage for both)
Divorced Feb. 2011

Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, lefthanging51, glad to hear you are not hanging any longer, good for you.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5358 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you LH. I remember when I got done with my D the first time, it felt so liberating.


For various reasons, I am feeling much worse about my situation than I did this morning when I posted... I really need to come to terms with things being over, but I just can't seem to. I know you guys are right in my head, but that's not enough. Hope dies hard.

Updated: I fucking suck at 180. I am getting texts from her telling me how much she misses me and doesn't feel right unless she's with me. Of course I reply... am I supposed to or not? Probably not. Fuck.

[This message edited by mnhttn99 at 5:22 PM, January 13th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, January 13th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99.

IF she really felt that way she would not be going to see the OM. She is doing this just to keep you as her back up while she sits on the fence enjoying the attentions of 2 men.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3044 | Registered: Sep 2007
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