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Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 4
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, January 16th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything you guys are mentioning about lack of trust, lies, damage and so forth is why I generally do not believe in R.
I am happily no longer M'ed.

T2G I respect your view on this but I think the same bias seen in the rest of the forums (that people who are doing well, stop coming to the site at least temporarily) is even stronger here in this group... guys are already inclined not to talk about these things, and as soon as they're not in crisis, they stop showing up here.

So while I agree that sometimes the problems are irreparable (and in the case of my XW, they were and I am glad we are D) ... one should be wary of extrapolating from the discussion here to all situations.


Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, January 16th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one should be wary of extrapolating from the discussion here to all situations.

Understood and ditto bro -- as in doing the same to a specific situation... as in your response to hurting4years. Seldom (if ever) have your heard me tell someone (especially newbies) to bail on a relationship when it comes to infidelity complications.

My intent is to offer a perspective that just maybe not staying for the kids may be the optimum solution in some situations. I am now on my own and raising my 13yo DD full time (she goes to her mom's ever other weekend). She is doing very well as are both of her sisters. I have a strong inkling that the same would not hold true if their mom and I had stayed together for their benefit. A strained marital relationship is not a healthy environment for kids to grow up in.

After carefully weighing all options, sometimes moving on is the sane and healthy decision.


JMHO.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 1:05 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, January 16th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T2G I respect your view on this but I think the same bias seen in the rest of the forums (that people who are doing well, stop coming to the site at least temporarily) is even stronger here in this group... guys are already inclined not to talk about these things, and as soon as they're not in crisis, they stop showing up here.

This is true in some cases, but not all. I'd have to say that t2g is no longer in crisis. Going further, Moo, SerJr and I all started within a few daus of each other (((mods))). While all of our journeys have been very different, we're all doing very well, and have stayed around to give support where needed. Not everyone that heals leaves


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35371 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
twyiv
♂ New Member
Member # 27252
Sad  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 16th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im new to this. the reason i came here is because i feel like my life is going real bad real fast back in september i found out my wife was cheating and here we are in jan and its still going on i have grabbed my wife by the face and made her look at me to ask why i have put my hand over her mouth to stop her from screaming i have thrown her down on the bed.im telling this because i have NEVER in my life done anything like this until i found out about her cheating.i find my self not knowing how to control myself because of the hurt,anger,betrayal and just total devistation .i'm not a perfect man but i dont feel anyone should be treated this way i hope that some of y'all can give me some tips on how to get through this because it is only getting worse

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: jax fla
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, January 16th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

twyiv,

First off I really suggest that you consult with a doctor and a counselor to get professional help for your anger issues.

Please understand that anger *is* a very healthy emotion. It alerts us to when something is wrong and can mobilise our psychological resources to take action. The issue stems from the fact that anger is not based in logic/rationality and the actions we take, if we are not careful, can be incredibly damaging.

It's important to not be a doormat and to stand up for and respect your inherent rights. Keep in mind that although your wellbeing will not interfere with another person's, your selfish desires can be much more destructive. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive(not aggressive) manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding - it means being respectful of yourself and others.

That anger can be redirected towards more constructive outlets. Give yourself permission to express your anger, but combine your mental and physical efforts to control it. The most effective process is when you can combine both the mental and physical effort. This is when you do a particular physical activity (such as weights, running, etc) along with the mental intention of releasing the anger. This will assist you to finally release the anger energy. You may have to do it repeatedly because it releases layer by layer.

As I mentioned, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. Logic will defeat the irrationality of anger. Focus on how you will handle the problem, make a plan, monitor your movement, and resolve to give it your best. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will find yourself much more emotionally capable of dealing.

I'm going to post a couple of links here for you to read through. The first contains a general action plan for dealing with a wayward spouse. The second elaborates on how to rebuild yourself independently and to focus on your needs:

Tactical Primer:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051
Understanding the 180:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

[This message edited by SerJR at 10:44 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
lingerdog
♂ Member
Member # 24459
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 17th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

twyiv, listen to what SerJR said. Seek out some sort of counseling for the anger issues you are expressing, and look for more positive outlets for the anger.

Check out the healing library, yellow box on the left of the screen.

Most importantly, I think, is taking steps to correct these issues before it's too late.

And remember, we're here if you need to talk brother, it's a place none of us wanted to go, but we're here and we will get through it, support makes it easier.


What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Oliver Wendell Holmes -Stolen from Uni's page

Posts: 8921 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Awesomeville
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, January 18th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

twyiv,

Welcome to the mens room that doesnt stink... instead it stinks to have to be here.

I and i think everyone that knows me would class me as a non-aggressive, non-violent guy. However i too have my anger issues. Ive thrown stuff around our house that could have ended up really nasty if i had slipped or thrown it at a different angle. Untill now ive not done anything to deliberatly physically hurt my wife....but i cam close a few times.

I do really struggle with controlling my word selection and volume once ive lost it...actually...when i loose it i have no control for a minute or two....i end up saying things that i dont mean that i regret later on.

Recently ive been able to better control this a little by making sure that during conversations or when things are getting heated that i breath in a constant and controlled way....every now and then taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

And if i find myself getting close to that boiling point i take myself out of the area...i simply walk away... when i do that my wife knows not to follow that i need a minute to calm down again.

I would still recomend that you talk to an IC about it... or paerhapes see if you can find an anti-anger course to go on....I think the fact that you posted here shows that you recognise that you need to do something, dont let your anger ruin your life any further than it is.


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

boy, do I remember the anger, WW said she was afraid of me a couple of times-I have never laid a hand on a woman,& haven't even been in a fistfight since like 3rd grade.

for me the anger soon turned to apathy.

I dunno, everyone's sitch is diff, but I cannot leave my kids alone w/WW, even if it means happiness for me. I just can't do that to them.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
2010ftw
♂ Member
Member # 27208
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apathy is my new goal. When I don't care about her and the OM any more (they're off starting a new life together) then I'll call myself healed and ready to start a new relationship.

I do have two children with her so I don't have the luxury of pure NC with her, but I can not care about her or her circumstance, to the extent that my children are unaffected.


LATEST: She remarried two days after divorce was final. It's over.
DD 12/29/2009 found texts
Me: BH 41, Her: WW 38 2nd D, 2 kids prior M
Us: 6 year M, DD4 and DS3
OM: 37 just D'd w/two kids
p.s. I $#@!ing hate Facebook

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: East Bay, San Francisco Area
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it'll come 2010-I no longer give a shit about anything at all.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recently ive been able to better control this a little by making sure that during conversations or when things are getting heated that i breath in a constant and controlled way....every now and then taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

And if i find myself getting close to that boiling point i take myself out of the area...i simply walk away... when i do that my wife knows not to follow that i need a minute to calm down again.

Perfect! It is even better to bite your tongue and leave for an hour or so. An argument is never worth the damage the tongue can inflict. The high road is always the best option.

I dunno, everyone's sitch is diff, but I cannot leave my kids alone w/WW, even if it means happiness for me. I just can't do that to them.

Fleet - I understand your point. Just keep in mind it is better for kids to come from a broken road than to live in one. Do what is right for them.

2010 - apathy comes soon enough. Patience my friend.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry t2g-I can't leave my kids w/her, I truly feel they need at least one sane person around them-her bi- polar shit will fuck them up if I'm not around...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Jimi40
♂ Member
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not everyone that heals leaves

I just hung around to see if my 16 year old self will show!!


You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't leave my kids w/her, I truly feel they need at least one sane person around them-her bi- polar shit will fuck them up if I'm not around...

I hear you. Take them with you!


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9145 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. Take them with you!

sure wish I could, but the judges here simply automatically split all property down the middle, giving the kids to the female, as men cannot possibly raise children.

I had a small chance when she was drunk alla time, but since she is now sober I got no chance whatsoever.

I should have filed immediately, it was my only chance at custody-too damn late now, she is now model citizen, not the crazy bitch driving drunk w/her 2 kids.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sure wish I could, but the judges here simply automatically split all property down the middle, giving the kids to the female, as men cannot possibly raise children.

This stuff always baffles me. The people who deem this stuff have this mentality of not whats in the best interest of the children. Its whats in the best interest in the mother. After all just because shes got and addiction, or mental issues it doesn't make them a bad parent. Its like completely skip over the father... Until shit goes sour, and the kids have already suffered is their something done. Usually then its too late, damage has been done..

The problem is no one is held accountable of those that are making major decisions for our children's rights...


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it REALLY pisses me off-I stayed home w/both babies, I was the one home while DD cried because mommy wasn't home(out w/OMM), I was the one changing diapers/giving baths/feeding, etc

now to have some fucking lawyers & appointed for life judges tell me I gotta leave my kids w/the one who drove drunk w/them because she is female.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T2G I respect your view on this but I think the same bias seen in the rest of the forums (that people who are doing well, stop coming to the site at least temporarily) is even stronger here in this group... guys are already inclined not to talk about these things, and as soon as they're not in crisis, they stop showing up here.

I (surprisingly) find myself tending to agree with this. Since my wife joined SI and we've really been parsing our issues, I find myself less and less interested in even checking SI. I felt like I had healed from the infidelity quite awhile ago, but there was still this ongoing anger because I had done the work alone...and felt like my wife wouldn't ever understand it. I needed to be able to unload around people who understood what I had experienced.

Now that I have confidence (and even continually growing confidence) that my wife does understand and is willing to work with me as we work on ourselves and our marriage, I find I'd rather talk to her than post here.

Not that I don't love you guys, you know, but she's a lot more fun to make up with after the day's hard emotional work is done.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stopped coming by SI for about four months, until I realized my DW was in an EA with her high school bf. Now I'm back.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
mnhttn99
♂ Member
Member # 13272
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, January 20th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a shitty day in a shitty week. Wondering why I think that's an okay way to live. Feels like I'm living in the movie Groundhog Day.

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2007
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